The Queens View Affair Current Scene (Book X, Act XI)


Last update: 2017-11-23 08:35:00

[Book X, Act II, Scene I. The Streets. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and WILL are here, with a hail of arrows homing in on them. The party disappear in the nick of time, only to reappear on the other side of the crypt, out of view of the FACELESS MEN.]

Alice: Uh, what just happened?

Austin: [Patting down his pockets and checking his satchel] The potion has rest gone! We've been robbed!

Alice: It must have been Dolorion! He did transport us out, right?

Dur: [Patting himself down like Austin did] My sandwiches! We have been robb..... Oh wait, nevermind. [Pulls a sandwich out from the seat of his underwear and starts munching.] robb..... Oh wait, nevermind. [Pulls a sandwich out from the seat of his underwear and starts munching.]

Charlie: [Aghast] How dreadful! How ever will we save those poor noble souls now?

Alice: Surely they have been saved? Wasn't Dolorion in a rush to see his show?

Clint: Maybe, but how are we going to get back there so we can kick him around just on general principle?

Austin: I doubt if Dolorion would save those people, he is a demon, after rest all.

Dur: But at least their deaths aren’t on OUR consciences, or what little we have left of that. Shall we continue our efforts to save THIS world?

Alice: Why wouldn't he save them? After all, he went to the trouble of saving US so that he could get the potion for them in the first place! little we have left of that. Shall we continue our efforts to save THIS world?

Charlie: [Unhappily] Unless he had an ulterior motive for desiring the potion himself?!

Deuce: Look guys, all I know is that I've lost my bottle of Nine Penis wine, and that there's a bunch of faceless freaks on the other side of that crypt. Let's find a better place to have this discussion!

Charlie: Indeed, let us seek safety! [Looks for a good place to run]

[There are two nearby buildings, one is an ordinary house while the other is a boarded up bar, the "Don't Come Inn".]

Deuce: [Heading towards the bar] Good idea!

Austin: I guess a closed bar is better than no bar! [Heads towards the bar] rest

[The bar has a huge heavy door and all the windows have boards nailed over them.]

Deuce: Oh man! What have they done to the place?

Alice: [Sympathetically] Aw, lost its former glory?

Deuce: No! It's way cleaner than it used to be! bar]

Charlie: [Tries to pry boards from the windows] Don't worry, I am certain Dur and Clint will quickly lower the standards of the bar!

Deuce: [Looks them up and down] I've seen uglier exotic dancers.

[CHARLIE tries to work one of the boards, and, although they are on tight, makes some progress.]

Deuce: Hey hey, no need -- I have a key! certain

Charlie: [Exasperated] Well, you might have mentioned that! [Claps her hands briskly] Do open the door at once.

Dur: Jeez! Sounds like someone is in need of a stiff drink! Stat! [Laughs hysterically] Get it? Cause I'm a DOCTOR! hands briskly] Do open the door at once. hysterically] Get it? Cause I'm a DOCTOR!

Charlie: [Laughs heartily] Oh, Dur--a doctor?! Really, that is too funny! [To the party, eagerly] Get it? Someone like DUR being a doctor is comically unlikely??

Dur: [Teary eyed] YOU’RE comically unlikely!

Alice: [Laughs] No, I think what he means is that if Dur is your doctor you need a stiff drink!

Clint: [Sympathetically] Just remember, doc -- sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Now let's hope this place has cheap booze and, with luck, cheaper women!

[DEUCE unlocks the door and the party slip in. The bar is totally trashed, with chairs and tables strewn all over the place.]

Alice: Er, is this cleaner than it normally is?

Deuce: No! Normally the chairs and tables are actually usable. Filthy, yes, but still usable.

Clint: [Clearly in his element.]. This place is fantastic! [Checks a chair for its usability as a weapon.]

[The chair makes a fine weapon.]

;;; Dom is away for a week

Austin: [Frowning at the state of the place] It appears to be some sort of death trap.

Charlie: [Looks around disapprovingly] Agreed, I do not believe this place has been kept up to code! [Worried] More importantly, what did those men mean about Wilhelmina being Phili?! How can that be?

Alice: Did she do something with Spruce and Juice? After all, Juice was definitely trying to keep it all secret, wasn't she?

Dur: Why are you asking us, we've been with you the whole time?!

Alice: Sorry, my mistake -- I thought you might actually have an idea about something other than sandwiches! definitely trying to keep it all secret, wasn't she?

Charlie: Would just killing Phili be enough to make her Phili? [Muses] Though that didn't work for us, did it?! [Hopefully] Perhaps she did something very, very good?

Clint: Hey, you've got to admire the little tyke's ambition, but she doesn't seem particularly well qualified to be god! Though I'm not sure how we can stop her now.

Austin: [Looking through the drinks behind the bar] Perhaps she did something very, very evil? And since when were qualifications necessary to become god? Trindle was hardly well qualified, was he? [Frowns at the bottles] Hm, they don't appear to have any Louis XIV. It's quite a disaster.

Deuce: Hey, look mister, they serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast. That and Parmesan off of hooker asses, but I don't think that's on the cards today. [Hopefully] Is it?

Alice: [Coyly] Who knows!

Charlie: [Looks at Alice with pity] Oh, Alice. I do wonder at times what happened to you during your formative years! [To Deuce, firmly] We have no time for any of that nonsense. We must urgently investigate why my daughter believes she is a god!!

Clint: And maybe we can get her to abdicate in favor of someone suitable! I think Deuce would make an awesome Phili.

Deuce: [Checking out Alice, somewhat distracted] or possibly why other people believe that!!


;;; No more posts today, back to normal on Tuesday

Deuce: Nah, way too much paperwork! suitable! I think Deuce would make an awesome Phili.

Charlie: [Gasps] Wilhelmina LOVES paperwork! [Frets] Could this be true? Has my nurturing her love of organization and filing things properly turned her into a god?!

Dur: No doubt it had some kind of horrifying effect on her psyche.

Alice: God of Paperwork? What kind of horrifying effect will that have on the universe??

Clint: I dunno, but this abomination must be stopped !

Austin: If this abomination is in charge of the faceless men, it may be a difficult task.

Charlie: She is a child, not an abomination! Perhaps I could try to speak to her. . . .

Dur: Of course it is! None of our tasks are ever easy!

Deuce: [Helping himself to some whiskey] We better figure out what the hell happened when we disappeared!

Charlie: [Hopefully] Have you any trusted allies with whom we could speak?

Deuce: I sure do -- as long as we have a bunch of copper notes we can stick into their g-strings.

Dur: Oh, Charlie should have plenty! She's always handing them out to me!

Clint: Haw! Let's go consult these allies! It's our duty, for the good of the entire world!

Deuce: [Rubs his hands together] Great! Best to load up on whatever drinks you want first, boys -- they're way overpriced downstairs! good of

Charlie: [Reaches into her pocket and comes up with a handful of coppers] What sort of scholars work for coppers?!

Clint: If my experience with scholars is anything to go by, all of them! [Fishes around behind the bar for some appropriately vile rotgut.]

Deuce: [To Charlie] Mainly Humanities people. There's an, um... think tank associated with this bar.

Charlie: [Shakes her head in pity] Those poor souls! All that training only to end up sleeping on their parents' couch, raving about the subtext of sexism in shampoo packaging! [Gets excited] Oh, a think tank! I have SO wanted to participate in one since I first read about them in an issue of The Journal of Public Policy Reform and Stuff when I was four years old [hurries toward the basement]!

Deuce: [Sauntering after her] Now, this is less of a cigar and leather chair think tank than it is a sleazy, disturbing and slightly sad strip club!

Dur: Sounds like it has a little something for everyone!

Alice: Does it have a bunch of losers who have constantly failed to launch in life?

Deuce: [Approaching a bookcase] It will in a few minutes!

Charlie: [Gasps. To Deuce, in a low voice] You mustn't say such things loud enough for them to hear you! They do try awfully hard, you know, and cannot help their natural and abundant limitations.

Alice: Hey! I CAN help my natural and bun limitations!!

[DEUCE moves a book, causing the bookcase to start to slide slowly open.]

Dur: Say! That is a pretty elaborate mechanism to hide a seedy strip joint, isn't it?

Deuce: It's as much to protect the general population as it is to hide the strip joint. Everyone put on their goggles! joint, isn't it?

Charlie: [Digs around and fishes a pair of reading glasses from her knapsack] Will these do? Oh, it's too thrilling! I do love a secret passage!

Deuce: [Putting on a pair of black fall-out style goggles] Oh, honey, you want to see LESS in here, not more!

Clint: We do? Are you sure? [Tries to fashion a blindfold out of a strip of cloth from his shirt.]


;;; So there is -- or was, at any rate -- a seedy strip club a block or two from my flat when I was living in Cork.
;;; Rather disconcertingly, the taxi drivers on the way to/from the airport always seemed to want to comment on it.
;;; For my part, I've been inside once (for a bachelor party). I left after 10 minutes, because man was it depressing! Kind of a pub with a pole, really!
[The bookshelf slides open, enter STEVIE P, a tough looking woman wearing very few clothes. She looks angrily at the party.]

Stevie: What the hell do you want?

Stevie P


;;; Oh please -- in Cork, ALL strip clubs look like that!

Charlie: [Cheerily] Hello! We come here seeking knowledge, though no doubt some of our less savory party members will gladly give you a copper to sit on their laps and such.

Dur: If you can stand the smell that is!

Stevie: [Gives a big grin, causing most party member to flinch at the number of rotting teeth] Well come on in then! [To Dur] Oh, honey, we don't mind. Why, once I had a client who like me to take a bath in horse poo before I -- [even bigger grin] hey Deuce!

Deuce: [Swallows uncomfortably] Er, hello, uh, madam. [To the party] Maybe the guy was doing it for a scientific study?

Charlie: [To Alice, nodding at Deuce pointedly] The future Mr. Alice Basset-Short?!

Alice: Fingers crossed!!!

Stevie: What'll it be, folks? Information? Sexy dance? Have one of the girls give you a talk on her dissertation?

Clint: Don't be too hard on her, Sarge. We all miss flaws in people we love. It's why we're here, innit? love. It's why we're here, innit?

Charlie: [To Clint, oblivious] Whatever do you mean?! [Suddenly gives Stevie her full attention] Ooooh, dissertation talk! Dissertation talk!!

Stevie: It's all about the different kinds of charcoal used in third century artwork!

Clint: [Nods wisely.] And that's why you have to take your clothes off for grubby people to pay your bills, right?

Stevie: No, honey, I do it because of the demand. Come on, don't be shy! for

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, my! That sounds fascinating. Could we have a copy of the research to follow along and do a bit of hobby research later on?!

Stevie: Pop a copper piece in my g-string and you can have preprints of my journal article! copy on?!

Charlie: [Claps her hands, excited] Marvelous! [Awkwardly tucks a copper piece in Stevie's g-string] What other topics do you [finger quotes] ladies cover in your research?

Dur: I have never seen anything so disturbing! Where is the buffet?

Stevie: [Grinding up against Charlie] To fully understand the nature of third century art, one must first [salaciously sucks her finger, finishing with a loud pop] understand the primitive nature mining.

Deuce: Oh yeah! Now you're rockin'! [Fishes out a fistful of coppers]

Alice: Oh my God. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm with you, Dur!

[The rest of the strip club seems quite similar, although most of the strippers are less scary than STEVIE. Alas, there is no sign of a buffet.]

Austin: I have an uneasy feeling that 'Disturbing' has only just begun! rest

Stevie: That depends on how much copper you have, honey!

Dur: Is this enough? [Dur pulls out all the copper pieces Charlie has given him over the course of adventuring.]


;;;I have no idea what that grand total might be, lol, or where dur would hide them. Use your imagination folks!
given him over the course of adventuring.
]

Charlie: [Gasps] Dur! Your gruel money! hide them. Use your imagination folks!


;;;EWWW!

Austin: [Deadpan] I think Mr Dur has found a higher calling. rest

Stevie: Ah! So you want... the treatment!


;;; No posts tomorrow! Back to normal on Wednesday

Alice: That sounds...ominous!

Stevie: It involves a two hour presentation on charcoal.

Alice: Oh, GOD!

Austin: [Looks shocked] What manner of sick, depraved place is this! rest

Charlie: [Excited] How splendid! Just when I feared we might be forced to spend the evening drinking and being entertained by [finger quotes] working girls!

Deuce: Can't it be both?

Clint: [Unhappily.] It doesn't seem like it!

Austin: [Glumly] I hope my analyst does overtime. rest

Dur: I’m sure you could find a qualified analist here Austin, I mean just look at this place.


;;; that I makes all the difference lol

;;; :)

Austin: I suppose it makes sense, there must be plenty of customers in a rest place like this.

Alice: Maybe we should talk to someone about these faceless guys? a

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Oh, excellent idea, Alice! [To Stevie] Do any of you [finger quotes] ladies have expertise on the subject of faceless men?

Stevie: Oh, you'll want to talk to Cherysh.

Deuce: Uh... why don't you guys go ahead without me?

Dur: Where can we find Cherysh?

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes at Deuce] Oh, Deuce. Is there anyone here you have not disgraced yourself with?!

Dur: Most certainly that would be me. Unless you count that one time, but I swear someone must have spiked the ham!

Deuce: Oh please, you know you loved it!

Stevie: Cherysh is over there [points] in the cage.

Clint: Huh. Well, at least this should be educational! Let's go talk to the stick freak, gang! [Heads for the cage.]

Deuce: Stick freak? She's back the other way, Clint -- she's the one dressed a space slave, who's giving a talk on turn of the century boat making materials.


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act II, Scene II. The Strip Club. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and WILL are here, approaching a cage where a woman is dancing. She turns to look at them, this is CHERYSH CHANDELIER.]

Alice: [Gives a scream] What is it?

Cherysh: Hi folks... [rubs herself up against the bars]

Cherysh Chandelier

Austin: [Turns away to hide his near vomit. Recovers and fans himself to rest recover. Looking in the opposite direction] The are not enough analysis alive to save us from this! I need a drink!

Cherysh: Want me to.... quench you thirst, baby?


;;; Off the US -- no posting until Wednesday!
[CHERYSH pauses and licks her lips salaciously.]

Cherysh: I mean, your thirst for knowledge!

Charlie: [Ecstatically] Yes! Oh, yes!

Austin: This can't end well.[Shivers] rest

Alice: Oh, come on, Aus! How bad can it be?

Cherysh: [Opens the door] Step into my cage.

Austin: [Rolls his eyes] If I had a crown for every time I heard that! rest [Sighs]

Dur: [Waiting for the end of Austin’s story] Well?! How many crowns would you have, don’t leave us hanging!? crowns. [Looks around] Health and Safety regulators clearly have not visited this establishment in some time!

Cherysh: [As Alice and Will climb into the cage] On the contrary -- Connie over there has a Masters degree in Health and Safety. She used cage cleanliness as one of her main topics of study.

Charlie: [Intrigued] Really? [Starts writing] Could you suggest some research in that area to help me better prepare to hear her findings? And how does this relate to the Faceless Men?

Austin: And how do you know which of the Faceless men are the big tippers? rest

Clint: And just how much time does Deuce spend here?

Cherysh: [To Charlie] For a start, don't tell her that you were in my cage -- she thinks it's [finger quotes] a cesspool of disgusting germs and grim. [To Austin] None of them are, they are a bunch of joyless minions who exist only to serve Phili. [Turns and glares at Clint] None! He's banned!

Charlie: [To Cherysh] Remind me--how did Phili come to power, again? Surely there is some delightful folk song about it?

Cherysh: That depends on whether you want the religious version or the fact based version.

Dur: What's the difference?

Clint: One is true and the other is not? That's usually how these things go!

Cherysh: [Nods] Yes, that's about the size of it.

Clint: Let's stick to the facts for now. We can get the awesome story with an important moral later.

Cherysh: Prepare to have everything you've ever believed in be completely smashed! [Dramatically] There isn't just one Phili!

[The party are not even remotely surprised.]

Alice: Sure, first there was Phili, then Seth, then Jerome, then Sven, and then, when we came to this world, it seemed to be Jusilla.

Cherysh: [Huffily folding her arms] You know, I don't know why you bothered asking the question if you already knew the answer!

Dur: We are more looking for the hows, whys, and what the hells than we are the whos. If you know what I mean. are the whos. If you know what I mean.

Charlie: Yes, specifically relating to the current Phili! [Trying not to seem worried] How did she come to power, precisely?

Cherysh: She managed to break Jusilla's heart, by somehow confronting her with her deepest, darkest secret. In that moment of weakness, she struck, and killed her.

Austin: And did she tell anyone what her secret was? [Looks really rest interested now] Huh?

Cherysh: She imprisoned her wife for a hundred years in constant torture.

Austin: [Massively disappointed] That's not a secret, we all knew that rest already! [Sighs]

Cherysh: Maybe you people did, but no one else did. Anyway, if you're such a genius, why aren't you working in a seedy strip club?

Austin: Is sneaking around cemeteries spying on women torturing each other rest an act of genius? [Looks proud] I really must be exceptional! [Check his nails pridefully. Sighs] Genius! I guess I should not be surprised. other an act of genius? [Looks proud] I really must be exceptional! [Check his nails pridefully. Sighs] Genius! I guess I should not be surprised.

Will: Is the skill limited to spying on women in general or just those in cemeteries?

Austin: [Looks at Will thoughtfully] Cemeteries. Just cemeteries. rest


;;;; Away next week, back in July.

Alice: That's an awfully specific kink you've got there, Aus.

Cherysh: I can hook you up with my sister, Crystal. She does awfully good cemetery.


;;; Welcome back Rob!

Austin: [To Alice] It's genius, not kink! [To Cherysh] Has she ever had a rest telegram from the Queen?


;;; HI rob!
a telegram from the Queen?

Charlie: [Solemnly opens her knapsack and produces a photo album filled with photos of Wilhelmina, showing a recent one to Cherysh] This isn't the current Phili by any chance?


;;; Welcome back, Rob! And have a good holiday, Dom!

Clint: You'd recognize Phili if you saw her, right? I mean, who wouldn't?!


;;; Welcome back, Rob!

Cherysh: [Looks at the photo] That's her -- she's older now, of course, but that's definitely her. wouldn't?!

Charlie: [Stunned] But--she's just a child! How can this be?!

Dur: Time and Dimensional travel maybe? Who knows what the long term medical implication of such activities could be! I should probably run some tests on all of us!

Clint: She's a bright, ambitious child with parents who... [trying to find a nice way of saying this] are maybe a touch on the over-indulgent side?

Alice: And she has grown a whole lot faster than, er... normal children, right? find a nice way of saying this] are maybe a touch on the over-indulgent side?

Charlie: [Shakes her head] No, that cannot be it. Pestilence and I demanded she attain VERY high academic standards.

Dur: Time and Dimensional travel maybe? Who knows what the long term medical implication of such activities could be! I should probably run some tests on all of us!

Clint: [Firmly.] Doc, I am not signing up for any kind of untested medical procedure. Particularly not where you're concerned. Sorry.

Dur: [Cheerfully] Oh don't worry Mr. Scar, your consent, or lack thereof, has never stopped me before!

Clint: [Shudders.]


;;; No, seriously, eww. =)

Austin: [Does a double take] That took a wrong turn somewhere. Anyway, rest back to the charming Wil, she was growing up very, very fast, time travel aside.


;;; away for work unfortunately!

Alice: He's right! Now, if she seemed the SAME age, maybe we should be worried about time travel!!

Charlie: [Wistfully] Oh, they DO grow up fast! Faster than you ever dreamed possible! [To the party] I must go to Wilhelmina at once. She is far too young and inexperienced to successfully govern the balance of right and wrong in the universe!


;;; All from me today, unfortunately! Be kind to Charlie!

Alice: She could hardly do a worse job than her predecessors, could she? I mean, how bad are things now?

Cherysh: HARMA are in power.

Dur: Yep, we're screwed!

Alice: Not so fast, Dur, maybe HARMA have learned from their past mistakes. Maybe this is a softer, more gentle, more inclusive HARMA who want to unify and not divide.

Cherysh: Their first order of business was to ban cheese and alcohol.

Clint: They're such wonderful guys!


;;; Not sure Conor got me message, but I've just arrived at my hotel in Sweden.
;;; Not much from me until I get back to the US on the 6th.

Austin: And they haven't yet banned, er, exotic, shall we say... dancers? [Looks around, barely concealing his disgust]

Cherysh: Sure they have, that was the first thing they did.


;;; No worries, Tom, we'll look after Clint!

Dur: Is that why this place is in a secret room?

Will: Maybe there is cheese here?

Cherysh: Alas, no -- there was a Grateful Fred concert on last night and we were cleaned out.

Dur: [Wipes some grime off of a nearby table] Obviously not in the literal sense.

Cherysh: Hey! This place has never looked so clean!

Alice: So, Will is Phili, and she's let HARMA be in charge? Why would she do that? literal sense.

Charlie: [Haughtily] Indeed! She was certainly not raised that way!!

Cherysh: [Gyrating up against the cage, trying to get the attention of another customer] Maybe it's because she's trying to redress the imbalance caused by her taking up power? History is full of dramatic swings from good to evil.

Dur: Or from evil to evil-er?

Cherysh: [Salaciously eating a banana] That's a good point. Research by Busty McBigchesterson shows that with each new Phili, the dips to evil become more extreme, and Jack Hammer, who's currently giving a private show to a bachelorette party, wrote his dissertation on a theory that the ever extreme dips will lead to the destruction of our dimension.

Dur: He doesn't happen to mention how to change that tend in his research by chance, does he?

Cherysh: I'm not sure -- but you could go and talk to him during his break from the Bachelorette Party, he could do with a good academic conversation after having spent an hour waving his lad around while dressed as a cowboy. research by chance, does he?

Charlie: [Alarmed] We certainly shall! [To the party, in a low voice] Could this be connected to the reveals?

Dur: [Looks around] It’s a strip club, Charlie! EVERYTHING is connected to the reveals!
;;; Boom boom!

Alice: I'm not sure, Charlie -- they basically teleported everyone from our dimension to this one. Other than the fact that there's now two of a bunch of people, everything seems to be the same. Well, apart from Will being Phili and HARMA being back in charge!

Will: So what's so special about this particular dimension then?

Alice: Other than the fact that it exists and ours doesn't, not a whole lot!

Will: [Thoughtfully rubbing his chin, then clicks his fingers!] I've got it! We should go and talk to this Jack Hammer fellow [Will beams as if this were his idea] lot! it! We should go and talk to this Jack Hammer fellow [Will beams as if this were his idea]

Charlie: [Clapping her hands in delight] Oh, splendid suggestion! It is EVER so good to have another academic in the party. [In a low voice] The others tend to think more [finger quotes] inside the box, if you will.

Alice: Huh, well... I'm really more of a box is half full kind of gal!

Dur: Half full of what? Can I eat it? What am I saying, of COURSE I can! To this box then!

Will: I doubt it's a package of food, my startling intuition tells me it's a jolly snug jumper, and this Jack Hammer chap must be freezing with his tackle hanging out all day, so he's bound to be pleased

Austin: Perhaps you should open the package to ensure that it doesn't contain anything edible. By normal humans. it's a jolly snug jumper, and this Jack Hammer chap must be freezing with his

Charlie: [Primly] We shall not concern ourselves with his [finger quotes] tackle, only his ideas! [Claps her hands] To the Jack Hammer, group!

Alice: The Jack Hammer Group? Oh man! This is great! I thought it was just one guy! quotes]

Charlie: [Starry-eyed] Who knows what wonders await us?! With academic research, anything is possible!

Alice: It's gonna be great! [Opens up the package to reveal a dangerously small thong] Ew! Why is it so smelly?

[The party head over to the direction indicated by CHERYSH, and almost collide with JACK HAMMER, who is staggers out of a room, virtually naked and covered in sweat.

Alice: [Swoon] Oh.. hello!

Jack: [Depressed] Oh... hello.

Jack Hammer

Charlie: Professor Hammer? Do you have a moment to discuss your research? [Encouragingly] That should lift your spirits!
;;; No posting tomorrow -- Independence Day!

;;; Happy 4th of July to those who celebrate it!
;;; And to those who don't, have a big bunch
;;; of junk food and think of us! ; ) On Sun, Jul 3, 2016 at 10:02 PM, Conor Ryan

wrote:

Jack: [Brightens up] Yes! Yes I do! I'd love to have a proper academic discussion with like mind intelligentsia. Just slip a copper piece into my underpants and we can start.

Dur: [Looks to Charlie] Sounds like a job for you Charlie! discussion with like mind intelligentsia. Just slip a copper piece into my underpants and we can start.

Charlie: [Primly hands Jack a copper piece] Now, we should like to hear about your theories! [Eagerly flips out a notebook and prepares to write]

Austin: [To Jack] Better get out your biggest underpants. She has a lot of rest copper pieces.

Dur: Yeah, and as long as you keep talking she’ll keep paying!  

Jack: My underpants can accommodate a lot! [Finger gun at Austin] Click-click! [To the party in general] I guess you're talking about my end of the world theory -- it's basically that because each time there's a change of Phili, the new one has to cause a huge tilt to evil, the tilts generally get larger, so at some point one will rip the world apart, killing everyone and everything.

Austin: [Sighs] Plenty of space in there huh? No luck! rest

Charlie: [Nods] Fascinating! In your research, what form does this destruction take?

Jack: Step a little closer, buddy, and there'll be less space!

Austin: Ewww! Nasty [Takes a few steps further away] Who on earth would rest want to soil themselves in public!

Jack: Hey, no problem, bud -- there's no judgement here.

Jack: Earthquakes, fire falling from the sky, that sort of thing. would want to soil themselves in

Charlie: [To Austin, scolding] Do stop flirting! [To Jack, concerned] Is there any way to reverse this trend?

Charlie: [To Austin, scolding] Do stop flirting! [To Jack, concerned] Is

Austin: If you can't handle the competition, you had better leave the rest race, sweet cheeks. I expect Jack has reversed more than his fair share of trends in his time!

Jack: [Leans in close to Austin] I can tell right now that at least something is trending upwards. [To Charlie] Sorry, I need another copper piece.

Charlie: [Fishes out another copper piece, handing it over excitedly] Oh, do tell! It is EVER so important!

Jack: The only way seems to be to find a Phili who never loses power. Oh, do

Charlie: [Concerned] You mean, someone who could never be defeated? That would seem to have dangers, as well!

Will: [Snapping his fingers] I think I've got a plan! [Looking around to make sure no one is able to over hear, now whispering] We could create our own robot version that followed our instructions. Surely we have the skills for that?

Alice: I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords -- as long as they're really nice!

Clint: Are we sure it's not just that the Philis aren't just getting more and more incompetent?


;;; Am back, should not be awake yet, but eh, jetlag, what you gonna do?

Jack: It's that they're getting more competent at destruction, that's the problem!


;;; We're gonna make the most of having Clint on early!!!

Dur: Right, right, we have seen this all first hand! The question is, how do we stop it?

Clint: Haw! Obviously, one of us needs to become god! the problem! do we stop it?

Charlie: [Quickly] Without harming the current Phili, who is misunderstood!

Alice: Oh, GOD no!

Jack: [Shrugs] Idunno. Maybe convince all the other wannabe gods to stop trying to be Phili, including Seth?

Alice: So... when a new one Phili comes along, the old one becomes Seth, right? What happens to the old Seth?

Jack: Sorry, that's beyond the scope of my thesis.

Austin: Perhaps Wil is the perfect Phili, or could be? Why find another rest when we can sort the one we have?

Clint: [Dubiously.] I'm not sure about that, lawyer. She seems to be going through the mother of all teenage rebellions. And at her age, too! Very precocious.
;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: I think that is a wonderful idea, Mr. Sleaze! I'm quite certain that with a stern talking to, Will would make an excellent Phili. Quite how one would prevent aspiring Philis from spoiling things, I don't know, but I'm sure we can figure that out.

Austin: [Indignantly] Of course it is a wonderful idea. It's my idea. rest [Checks his nails briefly and smiles] However, I do not think that a stern talking to is the best approach. She is Phili. Perhaps you need to try to empathise with Wil and her situation and history, see it from her point of view? And apologise for all of the stern talking you have done in the past [Rolls his eyes] Show some compassion for once! You are her mother after all, not her Sargent.

Alice: Yeesh, Aus, some of that compassion and empathy you seem to know so much about?

Charlie: [To Austin, haughtily] Raising a half-demon child is no small task, Mr. Sleaze! Pestilence and I did the best we could. Wilhelmina simply fell into a bad crowd, but we shall do all we can to persuade her to break up with that dreadful boyfriend of hers! Clearly HE is the problem.

Jack: Wait a minute, YOU are the mother of Phili? Then... that must make the rest of you the Queens View Party... is.. is that right?

Charlie: [Pleased] Why, yes! You have obviously heard tales of our surprisingly effective heroism in the face of [glances vaguely at the party] grave disadvantage?!

Jack: Er.. sure! [Steps back a bit from the party] You know, it's an honour to meet you. [Steps back a bit further] A real honour... [turns and runs] We're all gonna die!

Austin: Her boyfriend is not the cause! She is clearly rebelling because rest you are to controlling, a classic case of Godzilla mum!

Dur: Perhaps we can discuss our merits and short comings another time and determine why that stripper just fled from us in horror?

Alice: Well said Dur! Let's ask Cherysh!

[The party head back to CHERYSH's cage.]

Alice: Why did Jack flee from us in terror?

Cherysh: I don't know. Are you a hen party?

Alice: I don't think so... unless... unless Deuce is going to surprise me with a wedding tomorrow? [Turns to the party, fingers crossed]

Austin: No we are not a Hen party, we are the Queens View Party from rest another world, one which has been destroyed by the reveals. Does that make you want to run away too?

Cherysh: Er...no, I'm fine. [Grabs at the door of her cage] Help! Help!

Dur: Do calm yourself! If you tell us why the mere mention of us makes you panic, perhaps we can be on our way and leave you at peace!

Charlie: [Impressed] Our reputation in this dimension seems quite fearsome! [Frowns] Though WHY? Perhaps we should simply ask someone about the Queens View Party, without revealing our identities?

Cherysh: Because Phili wants to kill you!

Alice: Just him? Or all of us?

Cherysh: All of you except her mother -- she blames you for dragging her away from her family.

Austin: There was most certainly no dragging! [Muses] In fact I recall a rest substantial amount of reluctance about the whole deal. She was a Watcher then, of course. It's their fault!

Cherysh: Tell it to Phili -- it's none of my concern! Now, please, let me out! There's a copper piece in it for you!

Charlie: [Absently hands Cherysh a copper piece] Thank you, miss! [To the party] We had better stay out of sight of Wilhelmina. It doesn't sound as if she would welcome you!

[STEVIE approaches the party, with JACK cowering behind her.]

Stevie: You're gonna have to leave!

Clint: [Thoughtfully.] You know, we get that a lot!

Dur: Well, I think we have gotten all the information we are going to get here! Now we just need to figure out where we are going and how to fix our Phili problem. It sounds like we have to mend the broken heart of a young girl who misses her mommy and daddy! Of course, being the doctor that I am, I recommend surgery!

Clint: Or maybe now is a good time for Sarge to spend a lot of time with her daughter while the rest of us find somewhere discretely out of sight!

Austin: [Shocked] My my Mr Scar, that has to be the most sensible thing rest you have ever said. Almost worth writing down, for sentimental value. Almost. her daughter while the rest of us find somewhere discretely out of sight! you have ever said. Almost worth writing down, for sentimental value. Almost.

Charlie: I should gladly spend time with her! She just needs a little heart-to-heart with Mother, and we'll sort her out!

Dur: The trick is holding her still and keeping her from killing us long enough to make that happen! But how to do you trap Phili?!

Austin: Take chocolate and chilled champagne! And don't forget to rest congratulate her on becoming Phili, she must have worked ever so hard.

Alice: And don't forget, if you need any tips on compassion you can ask Austin!

Austin: [Nods at Alice] Yes, indeed. Here if you need help. With rest compassion and empathy. Not science, that's your problem.

Alice: And self awareness, too, Aus. Don't forget how great you are at that.

[Enter DEUCE, pulling his pants up.]

Deuce: Everyone! We gotta get out of here!

Austin: [To Alice] Oh, yes, better to be self aware than self-absorbed rest [Smiles at the shine of his shoes. To Deuce] Sorry, what? [Smiles at the shine of his shoes. To Deuce] Sorry, what?

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose at Deuce, disapprovingly] Oh, Deuce. Can you not curb your horrible appetites for a few minutes? We are NOT assisting you out of a sexual misadventure!

Clint: Perish forbid! We're on a quest of world-shattering importance! [Aside, to Deuce.] Really? Here?!

Deuce: [To Charlie] Hey! I resent that! [Aside to Clint] Oh man, the things these girls will do for a copper piece! [Buckles his belt] Actually, it has nothing to do with that -- there are a bunch of Harmaniacs about to get in!

Clint: [Eagerly.] How many are we talking about? Is it time to kick butt and take names, or are we running and hiding again?

Deuce: Somewhere between running and hiding and running away screaming like little girls. butt

Charlie: Oh, dear! [To Cherysh] What is the best way out of here?

Clint: [Struck by an idea.] Say, can you... uh... lovely ladies go out and distract them while we slip on out the back?

Cherysh: Quickly! Go! [Opens a back door, before glaring at Deuce] Hurry!

Deuce: [Grabbing some ham from the buffet] Hey! I had a coupon! [Races out]

Alice: Come on! [Follows Deuce]

Clint: [Retreating.] C'mon, guys, get a move on! I don't want to be caught dead in a place like this!

[The party race through the door, only for it to slam behind them before CHARLIE gets through. The party can hear her calling out as they realise that they are actually in a tiny room.]

Charlie: Unhand me at once!

Alice: Hey! This doesn't seem like it's the way out at all!

Deuce: It is *a* way out -- it leads to an oversized garbage chute.

Dur: [Pleasantly surprised to hear about the garbage chute] Oh! Is it time to eat already?

Deuce: [Holds up a ham] Only to help calm our nerves!

[The floor opens and the party go flying.]


;;; End of scene, next one on July 18th!
[Book X, Act II, Scene III. A Disgusting Dumpster. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR, WILL and DEUCE are here, covered in all sorts of disgusting strip-joint trash.]

Alice: I think I just swallowed a weird jelly!

Austin: Ooh, was it one of those oddly black ones? [Looks around in disgust] This is so much worse when you don't have a hangover! [Brushes a baby wipe, pacifier and a strip of orange peel from his shoulder]

Alice: I don't know, I'm afraid to look!

Dur: [Popping some leftovers in his mouth] Bah, you'll be fine!

Deuce: [Dusting off his ham] Dur, you disgust me. [Checks the door of the dumpster] It's locked!

[CLINT gives the door an almighty kick, denting it, but not breaking whatever lock is on the outside. Fortunately, it is soon slipped open, and outside stands a beautiful girl in her late teens/early twenties, ANNA RACKS.]

Anna: [Gives the party a bemused smile] Hey. Watcha doin' in there?

Anna Racks

Clint: [Flexes his door-kicking foot.] Not for long! [Tries to kick his way out of the dumpster.]

Clint: [Shrugs.] Looks like we went to the strip club and got trashed!

Anna: I've seen worse, believe it or not. I'm guessing your quick exit is in some related to the HARMA raid? Unless this is all part of some weird sex thing you're all involved in, in which case... well, I say go for it!

Dur: Can't it be both?

Anna: [Gives Dur a big smile] Frankly I'd be disappointed if it wasn't! [Juts her thumb behind her] I've got a carriage here -- need a ride?

Dur: Sure! As long as it's not a trap or anything, you know. Can't be too careful!

Anna: Uh, suuuuure! It's not a trap.

Alice: Thank god! Let's get out of here!

Clint: C'mon, doc, do we seem like the kind of people dumb enough to get, say, locked in a dumpster?

Anna: I'm sure it's all part of some cunning plan to to outwit HARMA.

Austin: [To Anna, desperately trying to get clean] Do you know of a good rest dry cleaning facility? [Glances around nervously] So who do you work for?

Anna: Unfortunately HARMA have shut them all down, [tosses Austin an industrial size wet wipe, which is about the size of a sheet] the good news is that I happen to have a carriage filled with rather nice replacements. [Coy smile] I don't work for anyone, I'm an independent trader and collector of nice things.

Deuce: [Leans in to Anna and growls seductively] What say you root around in that collection of yours for a big slab of ham and let's go find somewhere private where we can get freaky?

Anna: Easy, Mr. Reek -- I can manage the ham and somewhere private, but surely I need to at least consider the others before getting freaky with anyone? [Turns and starts to head away, but glances back to the party] I've got all the ham and suits you could want, and a few other bits and pieces besides. You need ham and clothing, I need someone not aligned to HARMA to travel with me. You guys comin'? [Invitingly] There are shooooowers!

Austin: This is far to good to be true. Let's go! rest


;;;;;; on hols from this Friday 22nd until 30th

Dur: [Shudders] She lost me at showers…

Anna: That's okay, Stench, you can stop at the ham.

[The party follow ANNA around a corner and find a huge carriage with "HARMA Bible And Anti-Gay Supplies" written on it.]

Anna: [Opens the back door, glancing back] It was the biggest carriage I could find!

[Inside are glittering piles of everything that HARMA are against, from fine to suits to massive hams to select hair care products.]

Alice: Oh man! [Removes some spaghetti from her hair] This place has everything!


;;; Alas, we have lost Rob! Please make sure he's off your list.
everything!

Deuce: [Eagerly grabs the biggest ham he can find, fondling it with disturbing pleasure. To Anna] Thanks, Tootsie Roll Pop! You give good ham!

Anna: My pleasure, Reek!

[The door of the carriage (the party are in the back) swings open, and a bunch of HARMA officers, lead by CHOCO LATAY stand outside.]

Choco: Hey! What's going on here?

Choco Latay

Clint: [Trying to sound like generic HARMA goon #17b.] Just need to get some equipment out of the back. Those filthy degenerate strippers are putting up quite a struggle!

Choco: [Sniffs] What the hell is that smell? [Tries to peer in] And what's all that stuff there?

Alice: [Hiding a can of "Shower in a Can" behind her] Nothing!

Anna: [Nods] That's right, we were just about to pray away the stench of sin from that awful place. [Holds her hands together as in prayer and looks saintly]

Choco: Uh... okay... [to Austin] What can we help you with?

Austin: [Straightening his new suit cuffs] We have no idea what that smell rest is, and we were hoping you could help us [picks up a can of shower]

Austin: To find the smell! It's driving us nuts! Do you know where it is rest coming from? DO you think it smells of reindeer or more like buffalo?

Choco: Uh... I think it's more like dead dog.

[It is quite like dead dog.]

Anna: [Conspiratorially sidles up beside Austin] That sounds like the kind of thing a commie would say. Are we even sure that he's with HARMA?

Clint: [Still trying his best to sound all goony.] The smell's probably us -- filth from the filthy strip club or something!

Deuce: [Desperately trying to hide the ham under his shirt, nodding] Yeah, where are your credentials, buddy?

Choco: Hey! I have a badge! [Holds it up] Where are yours?

Alice: We don't need no steenkin' badges! [To the party] Besides, that looks like the sort of badge a commie would have!


;;; Away for the next two days -- back to normal on Friday morning!

Choco: No! It is real!

Dur: If it is then by all means carry on! You certainly have important duties to be carrying out right now! I know WE do!

Choco: Uh.. okay, sorry to interrupt you -- so... should we just leave you guys go? duties to be carrying out right now! I know WE do!

Deuce: [Commandingly] Damn right you will--and give us your carriage!

Choco: Uh.. sure! [Hands over his keys]

Alice: But Deuce! What about this carriage? It's got a bunch of cool loot in it! in it!

Deuce: [To Choco, taking the keys] Well done, good man! I'll make sure to report your unwavering obedience to my superiors. [To Alice, pocketing the keys] To the Loot-Mobile!

Clint: [Humming a catchy theme song.] Where we can be sure to stuff our utility belts!


;;; So sorry! For some reason I thought we were back on Monday so I had a nice lazy layabout. *embarrassed*
On 22 July 2016 at 15:36, Tom Henderson

wrote:

Choco: But er, you didn't get my name!

Anna: That's right! [Slams the door on him, causing a cartoon "BANG" to appear]

Alice: Holy Bamboozle, that was great!


;;; Tsk!
appear]

Deuce: [Modestly] Not my first rodeo, Pixie Sticks! [To Anna] Want to get some alone time with me and a giant ham in the Loot-Mobile?


;;; Out today! Have fun in an estrogen-free QV World! : D

Anna: While that sounds great, we should probably get out of here. Do you guys want to get changed first?


;;; Dom is out this week

Austin: [Already changed and wearing a stunning suit] Yes, we should. My suit feels quite filthy after having been in such close proximity to HARMA.

Dur: [Filthy] Nah, I'm good. I still have another couple months in this robe....

Clint: Well, after all that time in the trash, even *I* think it's time for new clothes! [Makes it so.]

Anna: Well, I like it. I like a man with that sort of confidence. You hungry? You look hungry.

Dur: [Sticks his hand out to shake Anna's] Hello, I am Doctor Dur Ti'rag. I am ALWAYS hungry!

Anna: Hm... I wish I could help, but I'm too busy thinking about what to do with all this newly illegal food. [Gestures to mountains of food laid out, consisting of steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried brussels sprouts.] Any thoughts?

Dur: [Mouthwatering] Put it down our pants? do with all this newly illegal food. [Gestures to mountains of food laid out, consisting of steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and >curried brussels sprouts.] Any thoughts?

Deuce: [Puts an arm around Dur] Sounds like a party! [To the group, grabbing the pig's head] Let's dig in!

Anna: [Sitting into the drivers seat] So, what have you guys done to annoy HARMA so much?

Clint: Anything we can!

Anna: I like it! I have some people you should meet.

Clint: [Nods graciously.] I think we can take time out from our busy schedule of hiding in dumpsters and so on to do that.

Austin: And who are these people?

Anna: They're the Phillite Mothers Against Fun.


;;; The PMAF is a notoriously conservative group who have been around for years. One would expect
;;; that they actually support most of what HARMA stand for

Anna: Meet, chat, probably offend, almost certainly [gives Austin a sly look] flirt with in an inappropriate way and, quite possibly, be chased away by a bunch of angry women of a certain age waving signs and protest banners.

Alice: About us?

Anna: Mainly about you, but everyone will probably offend them in some way.

Clint: And by 'meet' you mean...


;;; ... that this is my three!

Dur: Yes, we are certainly pro-equal opportunity when it comes to offending people [taking one bite out of everything he touches before shoving the remainder of it into his underwear].

Alice: [Ducking to avoid a spray of crumbs from Dur] Why on earth would we want to spend time with them?

Anna: To let them tell you how much they disapprove of you.

Deuce: [Mouth full of ham] Sounds great, Tootsie Pop, but what if they decide to throw us in jail or something?

Dur: When has being thrown in jail ever stopped us before?

Anna: Then we just punch one of them in the face and run off.

Austin: I like your approach to dealing with the PMAF, but I'm not sure why we would want to bother with them. Surely an entirely better idea is for you and me to ditch the others for a while so we can get to know each other better?

Dur: [To Austin] Of course her idea has merit! It’s so good an idea that even I intend to do some punching! However, why would she want to know more about you than se already does? You are pretty shallow after all. Now me? I have layers.

Austin: [Examines his finger nails] Layers? Layers of dirt, you mean?

Dur: [Defensively] Not just dirt you cad, there is grime as well! that even I intend to do some punching! However, why > would she want to know more about you than se already does? You are pretty shallow after all. Now me? I have layers.

Deuce: [Still chomping on the pig's head] Hey, I bathe more than that guy [points a greasy finger at Dur] and I mean--that guy?! [nods at Austin shrugging helplessly] come on! The choice is clear [jabs a ham-flecked thumb toward himself].

Alice: Oh my GOD! Will you guys stop embarrassing yourselves? This girl just saved us, the least you can do is stop fawning over her. [Sits in the passenger seat beside Anna] Sorry about that, they shouldn't be coming on so strong. [Strokes Anna's hair] I love your hair! It's so shiny and soft! [Rubs her face against a handful of it]

Anna: Er.. thanks!

Clint: [Eyes Alice and Deuce icily.] Aren't you two supposed to be getting married? [Gives Anna what he imagines to be his most charming smile.] Some people, huh?

Anna: What a nice smile you have, Clint.. there's just a tiny bit of... well, actually, maybe it's a green tooth, but [flashes a dazzling smile at him] I like it.

Alice: That was Deuce from our own dimension, but, you know... we probably are fated to be together.

Deuce: [Pauses gorging himself briefly, gaping at Alice] Wait, what?!

Alice: [Sighing happily] Yes, I'll wait for you, Deucie!

Anna: [Big smile] Congratulations you two -- you'll make a beautiful if, er, slightly weird, couple!

Alice: Wait until you see my wedding binder, Anna! You'll be a bridesmaid of course, if, you know, it isn't weird. [Wink]

Clint: [Cloyingly.] Don't you just love a wedding?

Anna: Not as much as the party the night before!

Alice: [To Clint] Oh please! I love weddings way more than you do!

Dur: Er, Yes! I do enjoy a great party as well my dear!

Austin: [Sighs dramatically] Do please control yourselves. Anna is trying to drive!

Deuce: [To Anna] Where are you taking us, Tootsie Pop? [Carefully] Keeping in mind we nixed the whole confronting HARMA idea.

Anna: To meet the Phillite Mothers Against Fun, remember? Those guys will hate you!

Clint: Haw! Sounds like this'll be great!

Dur: So, this is a good thing? [Triumphantly] Then I will make them hate me the MOST!

Austin: You both are mistaken. They will find my metrosexual lifestyle, impeccable fashion sense and altogether overwhelming charm to be an affront to everything they hold dear. It would not surprise me if I were to be burnt at the stake.

Clint: [Blithely.] Like I said, good times!

Deuce: [Snorts and playfully chucks an apple core at Austin] Nice try, Junior Mints, but nobody hates me more than killjoy mothers hate me! [Sighing fondly] Of course the fun ones REALLY love me, if you know what I mean.

Anna: [Warmly] I'm sure they'll hate all of you! [Stops the carriage] Okay, they're inside the house. They think they're about to be addressed by the Conservative Temperance Chastity Movement about how the two organisations can help each other to still exist now that HARMA are in power.

Clint: Let's go offend some little old ladies! [Hops out and offers Anna a hand out of the carriage.]

Anna: Oh, I'm not coming, Clint. Old ladies love me. It's the hair.

Clint: Yeah, but just think how much more they'll hate us when they see you with us! "Corrupting the youth of today," that kind of thing!

Anna: Sorry, guys, you're on your own. [Slams the door shut as soon as the party are out]


;;; No posting tomorrow -- driving down through Texas thanks to
;;; a cancelled American Airlines flight!!

Deuce: [Groans] No, Hamma, no! [To the others, grumpily] Now what are we gonna do for ham?


;;; Out today!

Alice: Oh please! Surely Dur has some pants ham?

Austin: The old ladies inside may also have a plethora of sandwiches, ham, rest spam, and luncheon meat, and all manner of other frightful sandwich fillings.

Clint: Right on, lawyer. The fact that they hate us will just make their pastrami tastier!

Alice: Now that you lot have finished embarrassing yourselves in front of Anna, don't you think it's a bit strange she brought us here? What are we supposed to do other than be hated by them?

Dur: I'm never embarrassed! And I guess we shall find out, won't we?

Clint: Either that or we wander at random. They're just little old ladies -- how scary can they be?


;;; famous last words?

Alice: Yeeesh! You've clearly never sat through Phillimas dinner with a bunch of Bassett-Short maiden aunts! [Gestures to the door] Go on, Stinky, open up!

Clint: No need to antagonize them so early! [Opens the door with his hands, like a normal person.]

Alice: Oh, god, I think this is going to be awful! These people are just terrible!

[Just as CLINT goes to open the door, it opens, and there stands ROSE GARDEN, an elderly lady with a surprising amount of facial hair.]

Rose: [With a big smile] Oh, hellooooo! How wonderful to see you! Won't you come in and have some scones and creamy cakes?

Alice: See what I mean?

Rose Garden

Austin: That sounds just lovely. Most kind in fact! Although you should be rest aware that Mr Scar here [Gestures to Clint] is a bachelor. be aware that Mr Scar here [Gestures to Clint] is a bachelor.

Deuce: [Tips an imaginary top hat to Rose suavely, taking her hand and kissing it demurely] Well hello, miss! We were told there were women of [delicately] a certain age to meet here. Is your grandmama about, perhaps?

Rose: [Titters uncontrollably] Oh my! You are awful! Please, come on in! [To Austin] I may have a grand daughter who'd be perfect for your friend! [Looks Clint over and gives a sniff] She is due to be released next week!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up
[Book X, Act II, Scene IV. The Phillite Mothers Against Fun meeting. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR, DEUCE and ROSE are here, along with a small army of elderly women.]

Rose: Ladies, ladies! Here are the preachers we've been waiting for!

Dur: Er.... we are? meeting. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR, DEUCE and ROSE are here, along with a small army of elderly women.]

Deuce: [Uncertainly] Great! Er, why don't you tell us what you heard about us? [Flashes a charming smile] We just love hearing gorgeous young ladies talking about us. The more detailed the information, the better!

[One of the ladies, IRIS GARDEN, steps forward and wallops DEUCE with her umbrella.]

Iris: This is a prayer meeting, not some sort of orgy where everyone is searching for Gokemon Pos! Control yourself!

Rose: It's okay, Iris, they will give their presentation on the three pillars of a decent society, Chastity, Temperance and good scones. [Smiles at the party] Off you go!


;;; It's a joint presentation, so anyone can speak!

Austin: Well, let's face it, it's no use talking about philosophical rest concepts without a good firm grounding in reality! And that means freshly baked scones, a nice clean fresh napkins, which takes us nicely onto the subject of Chastity [Gestures to Alice and steps to the back] concepts without a good firm grounding in reality! And that means freshly baked scones, a nice clean fresh napkins, which takes us nicely onto the subject of Chastity [Gestures to Alice and steps to the back]

Deuce: [Solemnly] Yes, this young lady is a perfect example of what can go wrong when good girls run with bad men.

[The audience gasps in dismay.]

Alice: Hey! I mean... [bows her head solemnly] And yea, as it was written, I was once pure and virginal, until I was led astray by two of the men who stand before you today! Tell them, Deuce and Austin!

Dur: Really?! You give CHASTITY to ALICE?! [Facepalms] We're doomed.

Clint: But how, you may ask, did such a sweet, pure young thing fall into error in the first place? I tell you, friends -- it was the devil of drink! Intemperance! Yes, the lack of good scones drove this poor woman to drink, and when the wine was in the wits were out, and soon enough... [shudders] well, I don't have to describe it to you, dear ladies! For want of a scone, her virtue was lost.


;;; Uh... that's plausible, right? =)
[The audience gasp in dismay.]

Iris: Tell us more! What sort of man fed her the wine? [Gives Austin a haughty look] Was he .... clean?


;;; Suuuuuure!

Austin: Cleaner than a fresh T-towel thrice boil washed! rest

Deuce: [Knowingly] Some of them, though, were [lasciviously] DIIIIRRRRTY!

Iris: [Steps away from Austin] I knew it! [To the audience] Ladies! He is one of the leftist media elite!

[Gasps of horror.]

Iris: [Splashes some holy water on the party] Devils! Devils!

Austin: Hey! Easy on the insults! I am a lawyer, not a journalist! rest

Iris: A lawyer! That's worse!

[More over reaction from the ladies, including some fainting and holy water splashing.]

Alice: Hey! That's not holy water at all!

Rose: Unfortunately not, HARMA have made it illegal.

Alice: Okay, but why did you have to use pee instead?

Rose: What else would you suggest we use?

Alice: Uh... water?

Rose: [Splashes some holy water on Alice] Blasphemy!

Dur: [To Alice] I would think this isn't your first time, eh Alice?

Deuce: [Laughing heartily] Yeah, they're a pack of sinners, all right! Not me, though. [Shoots a finger gun at the ladies] I like spending quiet time with Mother and nibbling sparingly on prunes.

Dur: I think you meant ham. You like spending quiet time with ham and nibbling on ham, right?

Iris: You filthy men! I suppose [finger quotes so aggressive she nearly takes someone's eye out] prune is some filthy slang word for an [whispers as she spells it out] s - e - x act? nibbling on ham, right?

Deuce: Yeah, who am I kidding?! It's one of the really disturbing ones, too. [Opens his arms wide] Now, spray me with that Steaming Hot Golden Goodness, Granny!

[Pandemonium breaks out in the room, with ladies fainting, praying and, for unknown reasons, punching and hair pulling, as IRIS liberally douses DEUCE in holy water.]

Alice: Hey! Stop! [To the party] Let's disarm this crazy lady -- who knew that being dosed with pee could be so unpleasant?

Clint: Lots of people! [To Dur, with concern.] You okay there, doc? This is almost like getting a b-a-t-h!

Iris: Get them! Soak them in holy water!

Rose: But be careful of the scones! [Points to the table of scones behind the party]

Dur: [To Clint] Oh My Phili, you're right! Nooooooooooooooooo! [Dur flips out and attacks the old woman with the holy water, intent on disarming her]

[DUR wrestles the holy water from ROSE in a very undignified struggle, eventually pulling it from her. She staggers back.]

Rose: Er... he punched me! [Puts her hand to her face] Ow! Help!

Dur: [Still enraged even after his victory and screams like a man possessed] NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU NOW! NO ONE I SAY!

Clint: That's right, doc! You show that little old... la... ma... [takes a guess] lady? who's boss!

Alice: [Cowering from Dur] Yikes!

[The little old ladies pull out an assortment of vicious looking umbrellas and slow start to move forward, some of them mumbling prayers.]

Deuce: [Unzips his fly and moves threateningly to the scones] Back off, ladies, unless you want me to douse your scones with my own personal holy water!

Clint: Oh crud. [Thinking quickly, he turns and grabs the tray of scones.] Don't move or the scones get it!

Rose: Not the scones! Oh, my... [fans herself] they are just like HARMA!

[The old ladies stop dead in their tracks, faces frozen in terror.]

Alice: Okay! Let's all calm down! [Starts backing away] Everybody be cool... [strains to look in the direction of Deuce's fly]

Clint: [Hands the tray of scones to Deuce.] They're all yours. Just don't point your tallywacker at my hands!

Rose: Ladies, I don't think they're here to talk about temperance at all!

Austin: [Trying to stay pee free] No, there seems to have been some rest misunderstanding there! We came here to try to convince you to fight HARMA and take over the Realms forming a new government!

Iris: Liar! You are working with HARMA!

[The doors smash open and a bunch of HARMA officers burst in, led by CHOCO LATAY.]

Choco: You're all under arrest for unlawful possession of baked goods!

Austin: [To Iris] Who cares? It's a great idea! rest

Deuce: [Laughs] Really? [Holds up a soggy scone] These things?! They're urinal cakes!

Choco: [Turns to one of his lackeys] Add unlawful possession of unnecessary luxury items to the list of charges!

Clint: Haw! It's time to kick some [glances at the little old ladies] err... let's resist arrest!

Alice: Better yet, let's just get the hell --

[The little old ladies gasp at ALICE's horrific language.]

Iris: Shame on you!

Alice: Sorry, I meant to say, let's just get the heck out of here! Look, there's a window over there!

Deuce: [Chucks a urine-soaked scone at Choco and heads for the window] Come on, ladies!

Choco: [Snatches the scone and takes a bite] Hey! That's not urinal cake at all!

[The party race to the window, which is easily big enough for them to climb out through, and can see ANNA's carriage parked outside.]

Clint: Everyone into the carriage. Bimbo, you're driving, as per tradition!

Alice: [Tries to pull the window open] It's stuck! Oh nooo!

Clint: C'mon, Bimbo, you can't tell me you never boosted a carriage before! [Tries to break in.]

Alice: Never needed to! But [points to the window of the building] It's this window that's stuck! [Pulls the window in, but it doesn't budge]

Clint: Did you try pushing instead of pulling? [Tries to break the window.]


;;; and that's me 3.
window.]

Deuce: [Tries to lob a dry scone at the window] Watch your heads!

Dur: Incoming! [Tries to catch and eat the scone]

[DUR leaps into the air and grabs the scone in his mouth, swallowing it whole, just as CLINT smashes the window. Down below, ANNA steps out of the carriage.]

Anna: Looks like the meeting went well?

Deuce: [Tries to climb through the window. To Anna] Better than most!

Austin: It was all great apart from the temperance part. That bit sucked. rest [Tries to clear the broken glass and climb out]

Alice: And the chastity part -- I mean, all that lecturing and guilt-tripping, it was like I was twelve again!

[AUSTIN and DEUCE climb out the window to ANNA.]

Austin: [To Alice, thoughtfully] Yes, it was like you were twelve again. rest [To Anna] The old women were a push over, not much of a fight. A few well timed words and distractions and it was all over. [Checks his beautifully polished nails briefly]

Dur: [Still shaking with rage and fear] They tried to BATHE us! again. [To Anna] The old women were a push over, not much of a fight. A few well timed words and distractions and it was all over. [Checks his beautifully polished nails briefly]

Deuce: [Unconvincingly ttempting to echo Dur's outrage] Yeah, it wasn't deeply arousing at all!

Austin: [Shrugs. To Anna] My team had a few minor casualties. [Checks Anna rest out] No permanent injuries. Have you been up to much?

Anna: My my! You certainly showed them! [Soothingly to Dur] Poor Dur... but at least they didn't succeed! [To Austin] I had a few minor skirmishes with HARMA, but that's all. I did pick up something that you might be interested, in, though. [Gestures to the carriage] In the back.

Austin: [Curious] Very kind of you, perhaps I can replay you some time, rest dinner perhaps? [Goes to the back of the carriage to find out what it is]


;;;; crunch!

Alice: I think she'll be too busy having dinner with me, Austin! What do you say, Anna? Girls night in? Binge watch Kinky Dancing and Host back to back?

[Heads around to the back of the carriage with the rest.]

Anna: I think both sound great. [Unlocks the back door of the carriage and turns to the party, but doesn't open the door yet] My Mom is here!

Alice: [Lowly to the party] Hah! Losers! Mothers love me! [In a blur of clothes changing, Alice is suddenly changed into conservative preppy outfit]

Deuce: [Looks at Alice skeptically and carelessly runs a hand through his hair] Maybe, but they REALLY love me. [To Anna] Moms AND daughters, if you know what I mean!

Austin: [To Alice] It must be the comedy value [To Deuce] That's really rest not a very nice thing to suggest to a lady. [To Anna] They are a rough and crude lot but they do get the job done. [Glances at Dur and Deuce] Mostly.


;;;; awa hame!

Anna: I'm sure you can lick them into shape, Austin! [Pulls the door open]

[Inside the carriage is CHARLIE, busily making notes.]

Anna: Of course, you guys already know my Mom, right?

Charlie: [Glances up from her notes] Hello, group! [Beams at Anna affectionately] When did you meet my darling Percy? Isn't she marvelous?!

Alice: Percy? I thought she was like... three years old or something! marvelous?!

Charlie: [Sadly] Time moves differently in Pestilence's dimension, so her childhood sped by very quickly for those of us living in ours. [Brightly] Though that did allow me to occasionally take discreet and lengthy vacations there while the rest of you were sleeping or [disapprovingly] bickering about nonsense like whether or not Saylor Twift would be your friend if you met her at a shopping mall or sporting event!

Alice: She would totally be my BFF! [To Anna/Percy] Why didn't you tell us who you are?

Percy: I wanted to see how you'd behave to strangers.

Deuce: [Gives a salacious wink] Watcha think?

Percy: [Laughing] That you're even more of a pig than I expected!

Deuce: I've heard worse.

Dur: Well, let's hope this one doesn't try to kill us all, eh Charlie?!

Charlie: [Beams proudly at Percy] She has her father's delicious sense of humor!

Percy: [Gives Dur a wicked smile] That all depends on how mean you are to my Mom, eh, Dur? Now, given that you have enraged the PMAF and HARMA, maybe we should make a quick escape?

Charlie: [To Percy, cheerily] Quite right! [To the party] Now, let us make our escape! [Reassuringly] And not to worry. Percy does not share her sister's views on [delicately] certain issues.

[The party load into the carriage.]

Percy: [Conspiratorially to the party] But I do on many!

[The carriage roars off, pursued by HARMA and little old ladies.]

Dur: Of course we aren't alone, we have each other haven't we? Errr... unless you mean in our struggle against HARMA?

Charlie: [To Percy, approvingly] What a marvelous plan! [To the party] Isn't she exactly like her father? Always thinking of ways to help others!

Percy: [Smiles at Charlie] Well, that and vanquishing my enemies! [To Dur] In your struggle with HARMA and each other!

Alice: But they were just awful, and they hate us!

Percy: Ah, yes... but who do they hate more?

Dur: Each other? Hey, just like US! We really DO have a lot in common with them! I still don't see how that is going to help us fight HARMA though.

Alice: And they like scones! We all like scones, don't we?

Deuce: [Munching on one] They're great!

Percy: It's not going to help you in the fight against HARMA, at least, it won't all be help. It'll also make it more difficult, because you'll spend so much time fighting about things that don't really matter.

Deuce: [Swallowing a whole scone] Man! These ARE the greatest scones I've ever tasted!

Austin: [To Percy, all pompous] It all matters, it's our holistic rest approach. If you go directly for your goal you are easy to predict and fight. Security through obscurity!


;;; awa

Percy: Agreed -- I'm a believer in victory through absurdity. Now, let's go punch an elephant!

Dur: [Shrugs] Hey, if it'll help us defeat HARMA, I'm all for it!

Percy: Well, it won't, but it's probably the last thing they'll be expecting us to do!

Charlie: [Laughs merrily] Indeed! [To Percy, composing herself] Now that you have had your fun, dear, we really must be serious. [Anxiously] Have you seen your sister lately?

Clint: Speaking of punching an elephant, huh?

Percy: More like being punched by an elephant, you mean! No, but it's not like she's easy to get to, what with being god an all.

Clint: Too busy to make time for her own sister, huh? Family's the best!

Percy: I think she's too buys plotting revenge on you guys.

Dur: Right, right. Revenge for what again?

Percy: Stealing her mother from her so she could help you save the world.

Dur: Is she STILL on about that!? Can't we just give her back or something?

Clint: What a fantastic idea! Sarge, go spend time with your kid -- the messed up one, I mean, not the nice one. Teach her right from wrong, that sort of thing. Get her addicted to harmless hobbies like reading books and collecting pens. We'll just bumble along saving the world without you. Everyone's a winner!

Percy: Ah, poor naive Clint. [Gives a mischievous smile] Thinking that I'm the nice one!

Dur: [Shivers] Don't tell us that you are going to go maniacal killer on us too someday?!

Percy: When you least expect it!

Dur: Errr.... So if we are ever vigilant and wary, you may never try to kill us?

Charlie: [Laughs heartily] Oh, do be serious! Percy is as harmless and sweet as a fuzzy little kitten. She just likes to have her fun.

Austin: [Laughing] Fuzzy little kitten? I think you missed the word rest 'ninja', there somewhere! Perhaps you should spend some time all together, as a family. Get to know each other etc?

Percy: Even fuzzy little kittens can scratch sometimes, Aus. [Jams on the brakes as the party pull up outside the zoo]

Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, was that a hint? Are we going to see some adorable but deadly lion cubs?!

Percy: Nope, we're going to punch an elephant in the face!

Austin: [Surprised] A real elephant? Not a metaphorical one? Is that rest a good idea?

Clint: No, which I think is sort of the point!

Deuce: That depends on whether or not you consumed his testicles as part of a dangerously unsafe potion to increase your virility. [To Percy] Not that I ever have, you understand, but, just so's we're clear, this isn't Dave The Elephant, is it?

Percy: I don't think so. [To Austin and Clint] Probably not, but there are a bunch of hipster tree hugging types trying to protect it, and this will really annoy them even more than cutting of one their man buns!

Dur: Tree huggers aye? I don't suppose that they also have a beef with HARMA?

Clint: [Clearly torn.] Even if they do, do we *have* to get their help rather than beating them over the head with a bag of granola?

Charlie: [Nods and wrinkles her nose disapprovingly] Indeed, those sorts tend to be rather unreliable and poorly washed. Haven't we enough of that in this group already?!

Austin: Do they request to be strangled with hemp ropes often? Or is rest it just after they hear split infinitives and double negatives? Not a very sensible way of life, if you ask me!

Percy: It's not so much request as they're asking for it, and well, they probably are against HARMA, so it might be no harm to at least see if we can get away without strangling one with some hemp rope.

Austin: Well, we don't not seriously want to disappoint them. rest


;;; what have we started :)
[The party approach the gates to find them locked. Inside stands ROSCOE, a hipster dude with a beard and extravagant moustache.]

Roscoe: [Clicking his fingers] Hold up there, cronkites. This dullsville is out of bounds. [Takes a puff from a ridiculous looking pipe as he peers at the party through his monocle]

Alice: [To the party] Wow! He's so hip!


;;; I'm not sure, but it ain't gonna end well for the hipsters!!

Charlie: [Looks at Roscoe, startled] Have you been struck in the head? Many of the words you use are recognizable, but used nonsensically. [To the party] Most likely Traumatic Brain Injury!

Roscoe: Oh, you're so fin. You oldsters are all the same. This place is off limits.

Charlie: [Haughtily] And why is that? Because you perceive us to be [finger quotes] squared?

Roscoe: Oh man, you're so slated for crashville! Get back in your lead sled and take those other oldsters with you. There's a happening gig going down here, and we don't you squaring it up. Dig?

Dur: [Struggling to follow] Um. Right. Well if there is such a 'gig' happening here, why are you stuck here with us? Shouldn't you be in the middle of it. You look like the hippest of these youngsters and you are stuck on guard duty?! How dare they!

Roscoe: Uh.. well, I do have this groovy moustache, and the most stylish and unwashed man bun of them all!

Dur: [Nodding agreement]Of course you do! We noticed that right away! Obviously they cannot start without you there so you should make haste!

Roscoe: Hah, not so fast! You frados must think I'm a total jerry. The minute I leave, you'll come in here, and then what will you do? What?

Dur: Stand guard for you here OBVIOUSLY! Doesn't that seem like a task more suited to 'Jerry's' like us rather than to a gentleman with such a carefully crafted mustache as yourself?


;;;that is my 3!

Roscoe: Hm... [suddenly notices Deuce] Hey! Not with him here you won't!

Clint: [To Charlie, quietly.] Sarge, would it be okay if we resorted to violence now? At least a little?

Deuce: Yeah, I better wait outside. I slept with the guy's mother.

Roscoe: She's not my mother, she's my sister!

Deuce: Really? Aria is your sister?

Roscoe: No! Aria's my mother! Acapella is my sister. Don't you remember? You did it in our hot tub!

Deuce: Oh yeah, just as I was leaving Aria. I didn't know that they were related. Huh, small world, eh? Next thing you know he'll tell us he's related to Cantabile!

Roscoe: [Horrified] My dad?

Austin: It's just a ham thing I'm sure. Why don't you Take your rest man-bun-to-make-a-nun-proud, to to the gig and we can errm [Tries to be hip], squat this rap, and stop Deuce downing us?

Dur: [Looking at Austin as if offended] Is that kind of language REALLY necessary?

Charlie: [Looks at Austin, impressed] Did Cordelia teach you that? How about this?! [Affects answering and hand telephone] Hello?! [Offers the hand telephone to Roscoe] It's for you! [Invitingly] Perhaps it will be a clue, thereby allowing you to become more self-aware of the absurdity of your situation!

Roscoe: [Suspiciously listens to the phone] Hello?

Percy: [Voice somehow sounding even softer and more inviting than when she first met the party] Come on, juicer, don't give us the frigidaire. We'll leave the frado out here, just let us in. [Looks him deep in the eyes] What do you say?

Alice: [Helpfully, giving two thumbs up] And we almost certainly won't punch your elephant!

Roscoe: Uh.. okay... [slowly opens the gate] as long as he doesn't come in.

Dur: [Waving goodbye to Deuce] Keep the ham warm for us!

Deuce: Will do -- I'm meeting up with a weirdo who prepares special ones for me. Something involving armpits and crotches -- sounds kinda weird, but it taste great. [Sighs happily] That Accelerando sure knows his ham.

Roscoe: Accelerando my brother?

Deuce: Uh, no, I'm sure it's a different Accelerando.

Clint: So that's where Dur got the idea for his sandwiches!

Dur: I KNEW I should have patented my crotch storage method for preserving and aging food!

Roscoe: Hey! Accelerando was doing it years ago! [Opens the gate to let the party in, but slams it to make sure Deuce doesn't try to rush in] Come on, I'll take you to meet the others -- but be cool, okay!

Charlie: [Enthusiastically] Oh, we shall be EVER so [finger quotes] cool! I once read a study on teenage norms and how they manifest socially, so I have done the homework for this particular assignment, if you gather my meaning.

Clint: [Doing his best.] Oh don't be such a square, Sarge! There's nothing hip about doing homework!

Roscoe: Yeah, we're too unique and rebellious to do something like that. All the literature I've studied about being hip says so.

Charlie: [To Roscoe, excited] Oh, could I see your list of references? That would be ever so helpful to my study!

Austin: [Sighs] There is finally a fashion that makes nerds cool. Is rest surely this not truly the end of times! [Looks up at the sky]

Clint: Oh yeah? That's just, like, your opinion, man!

Roscoe: [Stands beside Clint] Right on! My references are all The Cool. Poets on the street and musicians living amongst the down and outs, man.

Alice: You mean alcoholics and homeless drug addicts?

Roscoe: Hey, some of the live with their parents!

Austin: [Looking over Roscoe's attire] It's really very impressive, a rest fashion that makes nerds look cosmopolitan. [Nods] Quite a feat. [To Roscoe] What is you favourite poem, from "the street"?

Roscoe: Oh, you know, the one about The Rovers Return, and the one about Deirdre and Ken, but I like them all. They're all, like, really meaningful to me, and speak to me on a level that oldsters like you wouldn't get.

Austin: [Shirks back at the suggestion] Nor would be want to! It all rest sounds terribly primitive.

Charlie: [Laughs] Oh, Mr. Sleaze! You are entirely cubed! We youth hipsters understand what you fail to grasp.

Roscoe: Look, Grandma, I'll bring you to the protest, but don't think that means you're down with us alts.

Dur: Yeah! You know what they say when you assume!?

Charlie: That it would have been better if you had applied the Scientific Method and verified your claims through rigorous testing?

Percy: Ah! Finley's Third Law of Scientific Experimentation! [Beams] It always reminds me of my second birthday.

Alice: Oh my god! You got a science kit for your second birthday?

Percy: No, I accidentally turned the cook into a marshmallow.

Austin: [Trying to be Hip] Totes ossum! rest

Roscoe: Okay, I'm going to introduce you to others -- try not to do anything lame. Just hang back and I'll lay the groundwork, they rely on me.

[ROSCOE walks up towards the elephant enclosure.]

Alice: [Looking around at the various animals in cages] Hey, doesn't that monkey look just like Clint?

Austin: A curiously similar smell too! rest

Alice: [Ducking to avoid a missile being thrown at her by aforementioned monkey] Not to mention a disturbingly similar attack methodology!

Austin: [Moving behind Alice to avoid projectiles] Probably a close relative! rest


;;; awa hame.

Clint: Damn! My secret it out!

Charlie: [Dodging monkey missiles] It was never a secret, Mr. Scar!

Alice: We better get out of here before Clint start shooting back!

Austin: [Ducking and dodging any missiles] Let's go, Mr Scar can have rest fun and play later!

[The party beat a hasty retreat from the shower of missiles.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act II, Scene V. The Elephant Enclosure. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, PERCY and ROSCOE arrive to see a large crowd of people gathered around looking at something. It isn't clear what they are looking at, but judging by the number of man buns, unwashed hair and gasps of dismay, it is a bunch of horrified hipsters.]

Alice: What the hell is going on?

Percy: I sure hope someone didn't get to the elephant before us!

Austin: [Quite pleased] Oh what a shame, we are too late! rest

Clint: Well, we can always beat the crap out of some hipsters instead...

Austin: We could indeed Mr Scar. Please begin when ever you are ready. rest

Roscoe: Hold on, let's see what's up. [Taps an annoying hipster on the shoulder] Ezra, what's going on?

Ezra: It's totally, fin man! Someone punched the elephant!

Ezra the Hipster

Charlie: [To Ezra, wailing] Oh, WHO would commit such a dreadful crime? Point us in their direction and we shall have a stern word with them!

Clint: Or better yet, we might punch them in the face? Ironically, of course!

Austin: [To Charlie] He said it was 'fin man', Prof Findely presumably? rest

Roscoe: Don't be so square -- fin means bad! [To Ezra] Who did it? We should sort him out!

Ezra: [Turns and points] That guy there.

[The party turn to look and see BODDY standing in front of a hipster with a bloody nose, this is KALE.]

Boddy: What? First I can't punch an elephant and now it's a bad thing to punch a hipster?

Kale: [On the verge of tears] Yes!

Kale

Dur: Well, he has already punched one of you in the nose, do you really think it is a good idea to spur him into further violence in your misguided attempt to 'sort him out'?

Clint: [Disappointed.] C'mon, Doc, let them do their thing! It should be good for a laugh!

Dur: Oh sure! It's all fun and game until one of them has to be treated by ME!

Austin: As long as you are not the patient or their insurance underwriter! rest

Clint: Not to be insensitive or anything, but that's *also* good for a laugh!

Alice: What the hell is Boddy doing here?

Percy: Oh, you know Norville, as soon as he heard that there was an elephant to be punched, he was first in line.

Clint: [Shudders.] Amen to that, lawyer. Amen to that.

Charlie: [To the party, scolding] Do stop being silly! We all agreed AGES ago only to humor Dur about his delusion of being a doctor! [Hands Dur a stuffed bear with a sad face crudely drawn on its knee] Here, treat this little boo-boo on Bear's knee, won't you?


;;; Sent to just Kevin by accident!

Alice: What the hell is Boddy doing here?

Percy: Oh, you know Norville, as soon as he heard that there was an elephant to be punched, he was first in line.

Alice: Oh god, now it's just a matter of time before Bear is on fire, but look, it's Boddy -- he's the first Knight we've seen since we got to this dimension!

Charlie: [Surprised] Boddy! [Skeptically] Are you really just here to punch an elephant? Surely you have some mysterious agenda?

Boddy: Probably, but I just couldn't resist a good elephant punching.

Percy: [Ruefully] I should have known you'd get here first.

Roscoe: [To the party] Come on! If you really love elephants, you'll do something. Put him in jail. Something!

Austin: [To Roscoe] Love elephants? It's you we should be putting in jail! rest

Alice: And anyway, isn't he already in jail? [Points to the elephant in the cage]

Roscoe: [Defensively to Austin] Hey! Don't criticise what you don't understand!

Austin: Why not? [Looks around for an explanation] Why would you rest criticise something if you understand it perfectly?

Roscoe: Of course! If it was crap, I would.

Charlie: [To Roscoe, frowning] So, you're asking us to release this prisoner, are you? [To the party] It's rather hard to understand these hipsters with all of that facial hair!

Roscoe: You guys are almost as bad as HARMA! But yes, we'll take the elephant if you just stop punching him!

Boddy: That's a female elephant.

Roscoe: [Laughs] Sure! What about [finger quotes] "her" you-know-what. It's HUGE.

Boddy: That's her trunk.

Austin: So do we still need to punch her? rest

Dur: Well it’s either her or him [points at Roscoe] Right?

Boddy: Consider the elephant punched, but feel free to punch him. It's surprisingly rewarding to punch a hipster -- even more so than throwing your own faeces at them.

Clint: Works for me! [Punches Roscoe in the face.]

[Bam. ROSCOE gets a face full of fist.]

Roscoe: Ow! What the hell did you do that for?

Dur: What the hell do we do ANYTHING for? [Turns back to the group] So have we accomplished what we came here for? Elephant punched? Right? Perhaps we best see to our next utterly absurd 'to-do' item?

Charlie: Now, Dur, you know no child of mine would behave irrationally! [To Percy] What's next, dear? [Hopefully] A lengthy strategy meeting with lots of charts and diagrams?!

Clint: And when we're done with that, we can all go get root canals for *real* fun!

Percy: Don't be ridiculous, Stinky -- that isn't scheduled for another three weeks, look! [Pulls out a notebook and shows him a fiendishly complex timetable] Now it's time to... [looks at the hipsters] hm, better not say in front the hipsters. Best to punch another one and then get out of here.

Ezra: Hey! Don't you dare punch any of us!

Clint: [Generously.] Doc, lawyer, Sarge -- be my guest.

Dur: your guest? Oooooohhhhhh! [Flutters his eyelids and swoons] Are we going to a ball!?

Charlie: [To Dur] We have no time for that sort of nonsense! We have irritating men and possibly pachyderms to punch! [Punches the closest hipster with glee] Take that, you absurd creature!

Dur: Oh bother! Knowing our luck, that's HARMA! Probably heard about the ball and are rapidly coming to shut it down! Shall we be on our way then?

Alice: Hey! Why amn't I being invited to the ball? [Glares jealously at Dur]

Ezra: Don't you dare punch m-

[Pow! CHARLIE punches him square in the nose, causing him to fall down.]

Ezra: [Clearly close to tears] That really hurt!

Percy: [Beaming] Nice one, Mom!

[The fun is interrupted the screech of carriage tyres from the main zoo entrance. There are clearly a large number of carriages approaching.]

Alice: No! Charlie just said there's not enough time to go to the ball!

Roscoe: [To the party] Please! Don't let them take the elephants! HARMA are here to kill them because they keep violating noise restrictions. We're all here to try and stop them.

Alice: What have you done so far?

Roscoe: Lit a whole bunch of candles and eaten tofu burgers.

Clint: Well, now's your chance to do something more effective! You guys form a human chain and sing kumbaya at HARMA and we'll rescue the elephants!

Roscoe: [To Dur] Loads. No one likes it.

Ezra: [To the party, nodding at Clint's words] We can do that -- do you think the sacred circle we create by linking arms will protect us from any attacks by HARMA?

Dur: Tofu!? That stuff is disgusting! Do you have any left?

Clint: Absolutely! Boots and fists and swords and knives are no match for the power of holding hands, am I right?

Ezra: Oh, boy! This'll be totally deck! Let's show HARMA the power of positive thinking and before we know it we'll be bustin' mobies in celebration, in fact --

[Bop. BODDY punches him in the face.]

Boddy: [Shrugs] Sorry, I know we're on the same side on this HARMA/elephant situation, but you're just too annoying to listen to.

Ezra: [Holding a hanky to his nose] Dat's oday, I ged dat a lod.

Charlie: Hurry, group! Let us find a place to hide and avoid getting embroiled in any further conflict. We can watch the new arrivals from a safe distance and evaluate our next move!

Alice: What's a safer distance than watching from on top of a herd of rampaging elephants?

Austin: Why, thank you Mr Scar. [Tries to punch Ezra] rest

Charlie: [To Alice, excited] Can we mount these creatures? How delightful!

Alice: [Climbing on top of one of the elephants] Yeeeha!

Boddy: [Also leaping onto one] Come on, Horton!


;;; There were some out of order posts (35-37) so let's make sure to respond
;;; to this one

Dur: [Mouth watering as he climbs aboard a pachyderm] Don't let Deuce see or he'll be trying to figure out how to procure elephant sized hams!

Alice: He'd be HAMazed!

[The carriages all pull up and HARMA officers leap out, lead by CHOCO LATAY.]

Choco: You're all under arrest! Step away from the elephants -- they are now property of HARMA Food Products Division.

Austin: [Leaping onto an elephant. To Choco] You eat elephant poo? rest How disgusting! [Tries to shoot Choco with his sling shot]

[AUSTIN's bullet zips past CHOCO, sending him and the other HARMA officers diving for cover.]

Alice: Come on, Nelly! [Alice's elephant starts to head out of the enclosure]

Charlie: [Eagerly urging her elephant] Onward, Professor Proboscis Tuskington!

Clint: [Safely aboard his own elephant.] Hi ho, Stampy! Away!

Austin: Tally ho, Louis! rest


;;; I'll leave that one there. awa hame

Roscoe: Yeah, we're too unique and rebellious to do something like that. All the literature I've studied about being hip says so.

Charlie: [To Roscoe, excited] Oh, could I see your list of references? That would be ever so helpful to my study!

Austin: [Sighs] There is finally a fashion that makes nerds cool. Is rest surely this not truly the end of times! [Looks up at the sky]

Clint: Oh yeah? That's just, like, your opinion, man!

Roscoe: [Stands beside Clint] Right on! My references are all The Cool. Poets on the street and musicians living amongst the down and outs, man.

Alice: You mean alcoholics and homeless drug addicts?

Roscoe: Hey, some of the live with their parents!

Austin: [Looking over Roscoe's attire] It's really very impressive, a rest fashion that makes nerds look cosmopolitan. [Nods] Quite a feat. [To Roscoe] What is you favourite poem, from "the street"?

Roscoe: Oh, you know, the one about The Rovers Return, and the one about Deirdre and Ken, but I like them all. They're all, like, really meaningful to me, and speak to me on a level that oldsters like you wouldn't get.

Austin: [Shirks back at the suggestion] Nor would be want to! It all rest sounds terribly primitive.

Charlie: [Laughs] Oh, Mr. Sleaze! You are entirely cubed! We youth hipsters understand what you fail to grasp.

Roscoe: Look, Grandma, I'll bring you to the protest, but don't think that means you're down with us alts.

Dur: Yeah! You know what they say when you assume!?

Charlie: That it would have been better if you had applied the Scientific Method and verified your claims through rigorous testing?

Percy: Ah! Finley's Third Law of Scientific Experimentation! [Beams] It always reminds me of my second birthday.

Alice: Oh my god! You got a science kit for your second birthday?

Percy: No, I accidentally turned the cook into a marshmallow.

Austin: [Trying to be Hip] Totes ossum! rest

Roscoe: Okay, I'm going to introduce you to others -- try not to do anything lame. Just hang back and I'll lay the groundwork, they rely on me.

[ROSCOE walks up towards the elephant enclosure.]

Alice: [Looking around at the various animals in cages] Hey, doesn't that monkey look just like Clint?

Austin: A curiously similar smell too! rest

Alice: [Ducking to avoid a missile being thrown at her by aforementioned monkey] Not to mention a disturbingly similar attack methodology!

Austin: [Moving behind Alice to avoid projectiles] Probably a close relative! rest


;;; awa hame.

Clint: Damn! My secret it out!

Charlie: [Dodging monkey missiles] It was never a secret, Mr. Scar!

Alice: We better get out of here before Clint start shooting back!

Austin: [Ducking and dodging any missiles] Let's go, Mr Scar can have rest fun and play later!

[The party beat a hasty retreat from the shower of missiles.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act II, Scene VI. The Elephant Enclosure. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, PERCY and ROSCOE arrive to see a large crowd of people gathered around looking at something. It isn't clear what they are looking at, but judging by the number of man buns, unwashed hair and gasps of dismay, it is a bunch of horrified hipsters.]

Alice: What the hell is going on?

Percy: I sure hope someone didn't get to the elephant before us!

Austin: [Quite pleased] Oh what a shame, we are too late! rest

Clint: Well, we can always beat the crap out of some hipsters instead...

Austin: We could indeed Mr Scar. Please begin when ever you are ready. rest

Roscoe: Hold on, let's see what's up. [Taps an annoying hipster on the shoulder] Ezra, what's going on?

Ezra: It's totally, fin man! Someone punched the elephant!

Ezra the Hipster

Charlie: [To Ezra, wailing] Oh, WHO would commit such a dreadful crime? Point us in their direction and we shall have a stern word with them!

Clint: Or better yet, we might punch them in the face? Ironically, of course!

Austin: [To Charlie] He said it was 'fin man', Prof Findely presumably? rest

Roscoe: Don't be so square -- fin means bad! [To Ezra] Who did it? We should sort him out!

Ezra: [Turns and points] That guy there.

[The party turn to look and see BODDY standing in front of a hipster with a bloody nose, this is KALE.]

Boddy: What? First I can't punch an elephant and now it's a bad thing to punch a hipster?

Kale: [On the verge of tears] Yes!

Kale

Dur: Well, he has already punched one of you in the nose, do you really think it is a good idea to spur him into further violence in your misguided attempt to 'sort him out'?

Clint: [Disappointed.] C'mon, Doc, let them do their thing! It should be good for a laugh!

Dur: Oh sure! It's all fun and game until one of them has to be treated by ME!

Austin: As long as you are not the patient or their insurance underwriter! rest

Clint: Not to be insensitive or anything, but that's *also* good for a laugh!

Alice: What the hell is Boddy doing here?

Percy: Oh, you know Norville, as soon as he heard that there was an elephant to be punched, he was first in line.

Clint: [Shudders.] Amen to that, lawyer. Amen to that.

Charlie: [To the party, scolding] Do stop being silly! We all agreed AGES ago only to humor Dur about his delusion of being a doctor! [Hands Dur a stuffed bear with a sad face crudely drawn on its knee] Here, treat this little boo-boo on Bear's knee, won't you?


;;; Sent to just Kevin by accident!

Alice: What the hell is Boddy doing here?

Percy: Oh, you know Norville, as soon as he heard that there was an elephant to be punched, he was first in line.

Alice: Oh god, now it's just a matter of time before Bear is on fire, but look, it's Boddy -- he's the first Knight we've seen since we got to this dimension!

Charlie: [Surprised] Boddy! [Skeptically] Are you really just here to punch an elephant? Surely you have some mysterious agenda?

Boddy: Probably, but I just couldn't resist a good elephant punching.

Percy: [Ruefully] I should have known you'd get here first.

Roscoe: [To the party] Come on! If you really love elephants, you'll do something. Put him in jail. Something!

Austin: [To Roscoe] Love elephants? It's you we should be putting in jail! rest

Alice: And anyway, isn't he already in jail? [Points to the elephant in the cage]

Roscoe: [Defensively to Austin] Hey! Don't criticise what you don't understand!

Austin: Why not? [Looks around for an explanation] Why would you rest criticise something if you understand it perfectly?

Roscoe: Of course! If it was crap, I would.

Charlie: [To Roscoe, frowning] So, you're asking us to release this prisoner [gestures to the elephant], are you? [To the party] It's rather hard to understand these hipsters with all of that facial hair!

Roscoe: You guys are almost as bad as HARMA! But yes, we'll take the elephant if you just stop punching him!

Boddy: That's a female elephant.

Roscoe: [Laughs] Sure! What about [finger quotes] "her" you-know-what. It's HUGE.

Boddy: That's her trunk.

Austin: So do we still need to punch her? rest

Dur: Well it’s either her or him [points at Roscoe] Right?

Boddy: Consider the elephant punched, but feel free to punch him. It's surprisingly rewarding to punch a hipster -- even more so than throwing your own faeces at them.

Clint: Works for me! [Punches Roscoe in the face.]

[Bam. ROSCOE gets a face full of fist.]

Roscoe: Ow! What the hell did you do that for?

Dur: What the hell do we do ANYTHING for? [Turns back to the group] So have we accomplished what we came here for? Elephant punched? Right? Perhaps we best see to our next utterly absurd 'to-do' item?

Charlie: Now, Dur, you know no child of mine would behave irrationally! [To Percy] What's next, dear? [Hopefully] A lengthy strategy meeting with lots of charts and diagrams?!

Clint: And when we're done with that, we can all go get root canals for *real* fun!

Percy: Don't be ridiculous, Stinky -- that isn't scheduled for another three weeks, look! [Pulls out a notebook and shows him a fiendishly complex timetable] Now it's time to... [looks at the hipsters] hm, better not say in front the hipsters. Best to punch another one and then get out of here.

Ezra: Hey! Don't you dare punch any of us!

Clint: [Generously.] Doc, lawyer, Sarge -- be my guest.

Dur: your guest? Oooooohhhhhh! [Flutters his eyelids and swoons] Are we going to a ball!?

Charlie: [To Dur] We have no time for that sort of nonsense! We have irritating men and possibly pachyderms to punch! [Punches the closest hipster with glee] Take that, you absurd creature!

Dur: Oh bother! Knowing our luck, that's HARMA! Probably heard about the ball and are rapidly coming to shut it down! Shall we be on our way then?

Alice: Hey! Why amn't I being invited to the ball? [Glares jealously at Dur]

Ezra: Don't you dare punch m-

[Pow! CHARLIE punches him square in the nose, causing him to fall down.]

Ezra: [Clearly close to tears] That really hurt!

Percy: [Beaming] Nice one, Mom!

[The fun is interrupted the screech of carriage tyres from the main zoo entrance. There are clearly a large number of carriages approaching.]

Alice: No! Charlie just said there's not enough time to go to the ball!

Roscoe: [To the party] Please! Don't let them take the elephants! HARMA are here to kill them because they keep violating noise restrictions. We're all here to try and stop them.

Alice: What have you done so far?

Roscoe: Lit a whole bunch of candles and eaten tofu burgers.

Clint: Well, now's your chance to do something more effective! You guys form a human chain and sing kumbaya at HARMA and we'll rescue the elephants!

Roscoe: [To Dur] Loads. No one likes it.

Ezra: [To the party, nodding at Clint's words] We can do that -- do you think the sacred circle we create by linking arms will protect us from any attacks by HARMA?

Dur: Tofu!? That stuff is disgusting! Do you have any left?

Clint: Absolutely! Boots and fists and swords and knives are no match for the power of holding hands, am I right?

Ezra: Oh, boy! This'll be totally deck! Let's show HARMA the power of positive thinking and before we know it we'll be bustin' mobies in celebration, in fact --

[Bop. BODDY punches him in the face.]

Boddy: [Shrugs] Sorry, I know we're on the same side on this HARMA/elephant situation, but you're just too annoying to listen to.

Ezra: [Holding a hanky to his nose] Dat's oday, I ged dat a lod.

Charlie: Hurry, group! Let us find a place to hide and avoid getting embroiled in any further conflict. We can watch the new arrivals from a safe distance and evaluate our next move!

Alice: What's a safer distance than watching from on top of a herd of rampaging elephants?

Austin: Why, thank you Mr Scar. [Tries to punch Ezra] rest

Charlie: [To Alice, excited] Can we mount these creatures? How delightful!

Alice: [Climbing on top of one of the elephants] Yeeeha!

Boddy: [Also leaping onto one] Come on, Horton!


;;; There were some out of order posts (35-37) so let's make sure to respond
;;; to this one

Dur: [Mouth watering as he climbs aboard a pachyderm] Don't let Deuce see or he'll be trying to figure out how to procure elephant sized hams!

Alice: He'd be HAMazed!

[The carriages all pull up and HARMA officers leap out, lead by CHOCO LATAY.]

Choco: You're all under arrest! Step away from the elephants -- they are now property of HARMA Food Products Division.

Austin: [Leaping onto an elephant. To Choco] You eat elephant poo? rest How disgusting! [Tries to shoot Choco with his sling shot]

[AUSTIN's bullet zips past CHOCO, sending him and the other HARMA officers diving for cover.]

Alice: Come on, Nelly! [Alice's elephant starts to head out of the enclosure]

Charlie: [Eagerly urging her elephant] Onward, Professor Proboscis Tuskington!

Clint: [Safely aboard his own elephant.] Hi ho, Stampy! Away!

Austin: Tally ho, Louis! rest


;;; I'll leave that one there. awa hame

Charlie: [Tries to steer her elephant close to Alice, offering a hand] Here, mine's working fine!

[ALICE's elephant shoots a jet of water at the HARMA officers, sending them flying.]

Alice: Yay! It's working fine! Let's go!


;;; The logger is operational again:
;;;
;;; http://queens-view.com/CurrentScene.html

Charlie: [To the party] Follow me, group! Let's go, Professor Tuskington!

Alice: [Her out of control elephant trampling on top of a HARMA vehicle] Yeeeha!

Choco: Stop! I order you to stop! [Stands in front of the party holding his hand up in a dramatic pose]

Dur: [Spurring Din-Din to go faster] Has that ever worked for you before?

Charlie: [To Alice] Oh, do control your animal! All of that thrashing about is making Professor Tuskington's spectacles slide down his trunk! [Professor Tuskington shakes his head furiously to free himself of the spectacles, accidentally embedding a tusk into a nearby tree] Oh, dear!! Now MINE is broken, too!

Choco: It has never fa-

[CHOCO is trampled by the elephants, while PROFESSOR TUSKINGTON struggles with the tree, before pulling it up by the roots, sending his spectacles flying, landing right on ALICE's head.]

Alice: Hey! [Checks herself in a mirror] I look like a scientist! Covalent bonds! Electromagnetic energy! Osmosis! Man, I should have got these ages ago! [The glass slip off] Gah!

Boddy: Follow me -- I've got a buddy waiting outside who's duped a bunch of morons into leaving him in charge of their carriage!

Charlie: [To Boddy, delighted] How marvelous! Perhaps I could dupe one of them into handling my lectures whilst I am away at the New Frontiers in Cryptozoology and Stuff next month!

Dur: [Laughs] Those suckers!

Alice: They sure sound like a bunch of ... [spots Deuce waiting at the carriage] hey!

Charlie: [Waves to Deuce merrily] Splendid, we shall not need to fool those simpletons after all!

Boddy: Thank god for that.

Deuce: Uh, we might have a problem fitting all those elephants in the carriage.

Austin: Can't you put them on the back or something? [Gets into the rest carriage]

Deuce: Well, there is all that space that was freed up by the ham, I guess.... guess....

Charlie: [To the party] Now that they are free, our faithful steeds can at last return to the wild!

Percy: Actually, I think you might want to hang onto them, they're going to be useful where you're going next.

Austin: [Sighs] Okay, team, you heard the lady, keep your elephants ready! rest [To Percy, quietly concerned] Where are we going next?

Percy: To hell!

Austin: Why would we need elephants in Hell? [Muses] Wait a minute! Why rest are we going to Hell? [Looks shocked] It's a trap! Run! [Tries to dive out of the carriage and escape on his elephant, Louis] are we going to Hell? [Looks shocked] It's a trap! Run! [Tries to dive out of the carriage and escape on his elephant, Louis]

Charlie: [Alarmed] What do you mean, dear? Hell?! That hardly seems wise!

Percy: [Watching Austin try unsuccessfully to get Louis to move] Agreed. It's reckless and foolhardy, but we've got an out of control god at the moment. What better way to distract her than bringing back a bunch of old gods?

Alice: What old gods?

Percy: Did you ever what happened to Seth when Phili was removed to become Seth? Or when Jerome came along? Or Sven? Or Juice? Or now Will?

Alice: Did they go to hell?

Percy: [Nods] And they didn't even have an elephant.

Dur: Huh. I thought we were already in hell...

Charlie: [Fretting] Oh, I do wish you two girls got along more harmoniously! You will be all the other has when your father and I are gone!

Clint: Well, look at it this way -- we were all going to wind up there eventually anyway. Might as well get to know the place a little first!

Dur: I guess... I mean, how much worse could it get, really?

Charlie: [Eagerly] And it would be a marvelous way to get in some field research for my upcoming guide to obscure demons!

Alice: Oh god, it really does sound like hell!

Austin: Flying electric goat demons again? [Inclines his head] It's a rest niche market I guess.

Clint: Say Sarge, do you ever actually write these books you talk about writing, or do you just keep a very, very long to-do list? writing, or do you just keep a very, very long to-do list?

Charlie: [Aghast] What do you mean, Mr. Scar?! Are you saying you haven't been keeping up with my work? After I sent you that crate of articles and autographed monographs for Philimas??

Clint: Oh, was I supposed to read those or something? I thought they were coffee table books!


;;; My parents, naturally, have a nice bound copy of my thesis printed on heavy paper at great expense. I have no idea what they did with it, but I can't imagine they actually read it!

Austin: You have a coffee table? I suppose the original occupants left it rest there.


;;; Probably in a cupboard some where safely out of harms way. Like mine :)

Clint: [Nods.] Seemed like too much work to haul it out back and chop it up for firewood!


;;; Sounds about right! Also, Monday is a holiday here and I will be away.

Alice: I used my create of books to actually build a coffee table.

Charlie: [Huffily] Fine, I shall in future donate your copies of my work to needy children, who lack rigorous educational opportunities! Self-education will work wonders for them.

Alice: Not to mention that they can use the big books to build houses for them to live in!


;;; We have a new player starting this week, that's Scott.
;;;
;;; Make sure that he's copied on all the mails from now on, please!

Austin: [Helpfully] And they can make a fire with them too, if it gets rest cold. [To Alice quietly] They do have matches, don't they?

Alice: [Shrugs] Probably. Daddy always said that they were constantly stealing them from his match factory.

Austin: Good. [Hastily] I mean good that they have matches, bad that they rest stole them, naturally. [Frowns] It was very generous of your father to let them steal them. Most Philanthropic. [Distracted, idly checks his nails and smiles] they stole them, naturally. [Frowns] It was very generous of your father to let them steal them. Most Philanthropic. [Distracted, idly checks his nails and smiles]

Charlie: [Eagerly, to Percy] Right, now--when do we go to Hell?!

Percy: Right now -- Norville will take you. He's been told to go to hell so many times he knows all the short cuts.

Boddy: [Finger gun at the party] If I bring down two more souls I get a football in the shape of a telephone.

Alice: Wouldn't it be more useful to have a telephone in the shape of a football?

Boddy: [Shrugs] Sure, but that's hell for you.

Charlie: [To Boddy, cautiously] But WE are not being delivered to Hell in some effort to secure a piece of unusable sporting equipment, right?

Boddy: No, that would be crazy. We're going to ride these elephants into an active volcano.

Austin: [Laughs] What a wonderful euphemism, what does it mean in real rest terms?


;;;;awa hame

Boddy: We're going to ride these elephants into an active volcano.

Clint: Outstanding! That wouldn't be the craziest thing we've ever done, but it might be the most awesome! [Pauses.] Of course the real trick is riding elephants back *out* of an active volcano. but it might be the most awesome! [Pauses.] Of course the real trick is riding elephants back *out* of an active volcano.

Charlie: True, Mr. Scar! [To Boddy, hopefully] There is, one assumes, an exit strategy?

Boddy: One would certainly hope so.

[A brief awkward silence passes.]

Percy: Er, great! [Hands a black pearl to Charlie] Take this, you'll know when to use it. And whatever you do, don't write a paper about it!

Charlie: [Flinches as if slapped] Whaaat? But I really REALLY want to write a paper about it! [Eagerly] What is it?

Percy: [Gives a quick smile] You'll find out. [Hands one to Austin] Here's one for you -- [mock scoldingly] don't go selling it! [To Alice] And don't you go losing yours.

Alice: You haven't even given it to me yet!

Percy: Yes I did, have you already lost it?

Alice: Uh... no!

Percy: [Hands one to Alice] Okay, but don't go losing this one!

Austin: [Looks carefully at his pearl] These look very valuable, where did rest you get them?

Percy: It's kind of a long story, but it'll eventually make sense. [Gives one to each of Dur and Clint] No selling them for food and cheap beer, you guys. You will need them.

Dur: Need them? What for?


;;;Btw, I was out yesterday :) Not that that helps anymore!

Percy: You'll know when the time comes. Now, are you ready to go to hell?

Charlie: Oh, my--yes! It's so thrilling!

Percy: Norville knows the way to the volcano, so he can show you how to get there.

Boddy: Don't I get a pearl?

Percy: No, not when you've already stolen Alice's one.

Alice: Hey!

Dur: So you're leaving us with this guy?

Percy: That's hell for you!

Austin: I hope there are no Man-buns in Hell. That would be the last rest straw! Can you imaging it, Hell with hipsters!

Percy: Well, actually -

Deuce: [Interrupts] No, leave him be, Percy. He'll know the awful truth before very long. Let him be happy while he can!

Dur: Can I state for the record that I think this is a terrible, terrible idea? Is there any [glances around and whispers fearfully] water in hell?

Percy: Uh... You know, you guys better get going. Best not to keep the supremely evil beings waiting. They hate that.

Charlie: Goodbye, dear! [Hugs Percy and hands her an unfeasibly tall stack of books] And please don't forget to return my library books. [Looks grim] I'd sooner face the fires of hell than the humiliation of appearing on the library's Wall of Shame!

Percy: Uh... [smiles] you know, I think you'll be fine. I'll see you again soon... in the room with the shimmering walls.

Boddy: Alright, let's go!

[The party and BODDY charge off into the distance on elephant back.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up
[Book XII, Act II, Scene VIII. A Suspiciously Narrow Pathway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and BODDY are here, all on elephant back, winding their way through a narrow path up a mountain, which is barely wide enough for a single elephant.]

Alice: I sure hope we don't need to turn around!

Clint: No problem, right? Elephants have a reverse gear in there somewhere!


;;; Back from Dallas finally.

Alice: [Tugging furiously at the trunk of hers] Nope! It just seems to make it angry!

Charlie: But why would we retreat? Our goal is ahead!

[The party round the corner to be confronted by an enormous cannon up ahead, pointed directly at them. Standing behind it is a bunch of HARMA officers, one of whom, GEORGE LA FORGE, speaks up.]

George: Step away from the elephants.

George La Forge

Charlie: [To George] May I ask why? We are merely traveling along this road, minding our own business!

George: Fire at will!

Alice: Hah! Those idiots don't even known that Will isn't here!

[The cannon fires, barely missing the party and spooking the elephants.]

George: Reload! Kill them! Kill them all!

[From somewhere above a huge man with red hair and even redder beard, DAVE "BIG DAVE" DEVERE, leaps into the middle of the HARMA officers, swinging an unfeasibly large axe.]

Dave: My name is Dave! You killed Dave! Prepare to die!

George: Stop! I demand you stop!

Dave "Big Dave" Devere

Charlie: [To George] May I ask why? We are merely traveling along this road, minding our own business!

George: Fire at will!

Alice: Hah! Those idiots don't even known that Will isn't here!

[The cannon fires, barely missing the party and spooking the elephants.]

George: Reload! Kill them! Kill them all!

[From somewhere above a huge man with red hair and even redder beard, DAVE "BIG DAVE" DEVERE, leaps into the middle of the HARMA officers, swinging an unfeasibly large axe.]

Dave: My name is Dave! You killed Dave! Prepare to die!

George: Stop! I demand you stop!

Dave: [ swinging axe lustily, eyes glittering insanely- beard bristling and face a mask of joy- charges at GEORGE and said cannon] Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeeee....

Dave "Big Dave" Devere Sent from my iPhone On 7 Sep 2016, at 12:17, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Charlie: [To George] May I ask why? We are merely traveling along this road, minding our own business!

George: Fire at will!

Alice: Hah! Those idiots don't even known that Will isn't here!

[The cannon fires, barely missing the party and spooking the elephants.]

George: Reload! Kill them! Kill them all!

[From somewhere above a huge man with red hair and even redder beard, DAVE "BIG DAVE" DEVERE, leaps into the middle of the HARMA officers, swinging an unfeasibly large axe.]

Dave: My name is Dave! You killed Dave! Prepare to die!

George: Stop! I demand you stop!

Dave "Big Dave" Devere Sent from my iPhone On 7 Sep 2016, at 12:17, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Charlie: [To George] May I ask why? We are merely traveling along this road, minding our own business!

George: Fire at will!

Alice: Hah! Those idiots don't even known that Will isn't here!

[The cannon fires, barely missing the party and spooking the elephants.]

George: Reload! Kill them! Kill them all!

[From somewhere above a huge man with red hair and even redder beard, DAVE "BIG DAVE" DEVERE, leaps into the middle of the HARMA officers, swinging an unfeasibly large axe.]

Dave: My name is Dave! You killed Dave! Prepare to die!

George: Stop! I demand you stop!

Dave "Big Dave" Devere

George: Stop! I command you to st-

[GEORGE gets a chest full of axe.]

Alice: Yay! This is great! [Takes out her bow and fires at the nearest HARMA officer]

Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous, a red-haired hell-beast has come to our rescue! [Takes out her sword and tries to whack the nearest HARMA officer]

Austin: [Trying to calm his elephant] Well that went well for them [To rest Louis] Can elephants do smug?

Austin: [Fires at the nearest uniformed HARMA officer] Who is that guy! He rest could come in useful!

Alice: Yay! This is great! [Takes out her bow and fires at the nearest HARMA officer]

Dave: HAR!!! [ more lusty axe swinging until the Forces of Wickedness are despatched- or Dave falls over... Big happy manic grin at Alice who seems to be a foe of the HARMA swines... Spare a moment to give a polite cheery wave between dismemberings] Gud meetings !! I am Dave!! Sent from my iPhone

[The party let loose a volley of missiles into the melee, somehow only hitting HARMA officers and not coming even close to touching DAVE. Any officers who haven't been killed or knocked over the side turn and race back up the path, up the mountain.]

Alice: Hooray! Hi Dave! Thanks for helping us, and sorry they killed... uh, Dave?

Dur: [Watches as the party and the newcomer unleash hell upon the HARMA officers] You know, I should probably learn how to use some kind of weapon...


;;; Welcome to the group Scott ^^

Alice: [Reassuringly] But you can use a weapon, Dur, and you're a killing machine. You just call it surgery.

Alice: Hooray! Hi Dave! Thanks for helping us, and sorry they killed... uh, Dave?

Dave: [beaming happily at the devastation and then even more broadly at his new friends] Har! See the cowards flee our righteous pointy objects! They do not care for it up 'em! [ to Alice] you are very beautiful. Do you have a man? [ to Dur- with concern] are you Ill? You look very unwell... Sent from my iPhone his new friends] for it up 'em!

Charlie: [Offers a handshake to Dave] Oh, do not worry about Dur! That is his natural coloring, rather incredibly! [In a low voice] Though do avoid becoming romantically entangled with our Alice. It rarely ends well for the suitor, I am afraid!

Charlie: [Offers a handshake to Dave] Oh, do not worry about Dur! That is his natural coloring, rather incredibly! [In a low voice] Though do avoid becoming romantically entangled with our Alice. It rarely ends well for the suitor, I am afraid!

Dave: [ still beaming, accepts Charlie's hand bows and kisses it.] Sent from my iPhone

Alice: Actually, I do have a man. [Dreamily] His name is Deuce, he's big like a tiger, but gentle like a kitten... Smart like a ... a... well, a really, really, really smart thing!

Boddy: [To Dave] Nice axe work. [Looks him up and down] How's Heebeejeebee? childbirth!! Maybe then you are looking for a man? Heebeejeebee?

Charlie: [To Dave, cheerily] I already have both children and a man, but I appreciate the offer! [Intrigued] Who or what is Heebeejeebee?!

Alice: Actually, I do have a man. [Dreamily] His name is Deuce, he's big like a tiger, but gentle like a kitten... Smart like a ... a... well, a really, really, really smart thing!

Boddy: [To Dave] Nice axe work. [Looks him up and down] How's Heebeejeebee?

Dave: [ still insanely happy] Har! You are familiar with my home? It is still the finest producer of Smoked Herring in the Realms! [ to Alice, kindly] Ah! This Deuce must be a fine man! I bet you two rattle the headboards eh?? Har Har!!!!!Perhaps Dave will meet him some day yes? Please I am Dave- you all are?? Sent from my iPhone

Alice: Almost certainly! You can come to the wedding! Well, of course, we'll need to get engaged first, and that probably won't happen until we date first, but it's going to happen! I'm Alice [points out the others] Austin, Charlie, Clint, Dur and Boddy.

Alice: Almost certainly! You can come to the wedding! Well, of course, we'll need to get engaged first, and that probably won't happen until we date first, but it's going to happen! I'm Alice [points out the others] Austin, Charlie, Clint, Dur and Boddy.

Dave: [ nodding sagely at Alice] the elders of my folk would be impressed by your sensible approach to courtship. You are a very fine woman! [nod politely to the others] I admire your cleverness, you have shaved your mammoths so they are less discomforted by the volcano! Clever and compassionate. Well, friends I must be off for I must fix the world! To do this I need allies and an 'elefant' whatever that is.... Sent from my iPhone

Alice: Hey! We can probably help him out with the elephant, but where will he find some allies?

Charlie: [To Dave] As it turns out, THESE [gestures to Professor Tuskington] are elephants! Perhaps we could travel together? We seem to share a dislike of HARMA, which is a wonderful basis for friendship! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ cautiously] are you sure they are elephants?? They look like mammoths- I imagined elephants to be more like fluffy bear things with cute iddy biddy ears und without the big nose things...

Alice: Aw! That sounds just like Deuce! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [thoughtfully] so, this is elephant, und you people also wish to fix the world? Did you know that if ve ride into the volcano ve can rescue Sven maybe! Und set things to correct again! Are you here to rescue Sven?

Dur: If that keeps us on the right side of that axe you carry, then sure! Why not? Uhhh... who's Sven? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ah! Sven Goring is the false god that Dave knew of. Sven was a mighty and just diety. A north man like myself, once mighty but he became old and sotted... No wait, that's a different saga... Dave knew that if Sven could be rescued from the forces of Evil and helped to overthrow Phili he could bring HappyValhalla here. Poor Dave [becomes teary] I miss me so much......

Alice: Yeah.. who is Sven? I mean, we don't know any vikings called Sven, right? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [bridling slightly and wiping away sniffles] Dave knew Sven! And spoke highly of him! It is vhy the HARMA killed him! I shall avenge my death!!!
;;; Dom is gone for the day

Austin: [Sighs as he examines his nails] Sir, please calm yourself. [finger quotes] Dave. Are we to believe that these are, in actual fact, two DIFFERENT Daves? Sent from my iPhone By the way, hello all! Was absorbed getting format down ... Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ a bit petulantly] I vas clear vas I not? Two Dave's the same. Vun is dead. So I avenge Dave. [whisper to Dur] is ziss Vun a bit thick?

Dur: [Jumps as if startled by Dave addressing him directly] What? [Whispers to Alice] Who is Ziss Vun? Did I miss another would be axe-wielding maniac?

Clint: [Innocently.] Dur? No, he's just [air quotes] special in that way that you sometimes get with medical geniuses. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ jumps as if shocked] By Sven's fiery footvear! Vhere did you come from?[staring at Clint] I had thought you vere a mammoth dropping!!!

Alice: [Laughs] He's got you there, Stinky. You do look like a mammoth dropping! Sent from my iPhone Scott phone dieing- it's been fun! Ty & l8rs

Clint: And by that do you mean the dropping of a mammoth, or a very large dropping?

Alice: That depends on which one smells worse. ;; Scott is gone for the day

Dave: I mean a very large dropping by a very large mammoth. You smell bad. [Laughs] Really bad!

Clint: Yeah, whatever. Say, shouldn't we be riding into our volcano and all now? all now?

Charlie: Good thinking, Mr. Scar! I thick layer of perspiration just might mask some of your other bodily odors!

Dave: Great! I will come with you. [Climbs up behind Dur, getting very close] You're small. We can share.

Dur: [Looking genuinely terrified] Um... yeah... sure.... mister axe-man....
;;; No posting today until after 3PM!! On 7 September 2016 at 17:35, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA wrote:

Austin: [Looking greatly alarmed but relived that Dave is sharing with rest Dur] Yes, Mr Dur is the very smallest of our team. By a long way. You should share with him. Besides, I'll need to reshave my ma moth soon, it's getting stubbly. Sent from my iPhone On 8 Sep 2016, at 11:41, dom >

wrote:

Austin: [Looking greatly alarmed but relived that Dave is sharing with Dur] Yes, Mr Dur is the very smallest of our team. By a long way. You should share with him. Besides, I'll need to reshave my ma moth soon, it's getting stubbly. rest

Dave: [settling into place on the elephant and attempting to jiggle Dur so it's comfy] Har! Dave unt I could ride ziss vay! Many fond memories! You are a boney little man Dur! [attempt to slap Dur's buttocks playfully] Dur] Yes, Mr Dur is the very smallest of our team. By a long way. You should share with him. Besides, I'll need to reshave my ma moth soon, it's getting stubbly. so it's comfy] little man Dur! [attempt to slap Dur's buttocks playfully]

Charlie: [Beaming at Dave and Dur, in a low voice to the others] Oh, look! Dur has finally made a friend! [In wonderment] Who knew the pity angle would work so brilliantly?! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [producing a large handful of very ominous looking mushrooms from within his furs] Come my new friend! Join me in taking some most excellent shit!! [wave mushies at group] any Vun else? It is very gut!! Har Har!!!

Dur: [Torn between his terror of Dave and his axe and his love for food, Dur tentatively accepts the mushrooms and says in a small squeaky voice.] Um. Thanks? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will beam massively at his new best friend Dur and hand him several of the "special" fungi- he will raise his eyebrows and politely offer them to everyone else too..] Dey are very gut I promise... I have been on zen for several days already HarHarHar!!!!

Alice: No thanks, I prefer fancy cheeses. Yet another that's been made illegal by HARMA! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [shakes head sadly at Alice's words- before stuffing several mushies in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully]..these people must be stopped! Las from Scott #36

Alice: So.. you're trying to find a guy called [does a poor job of pretending she can't remember the name] Sven, right? Who's he?

Clint: Just some guy, I expect! We'll find him when we ride into the volcano, surely?

Boddy: Maybe he means Sven Goring, your old buddy who saved your lives on countless occasions and who you helped to become a god. [Shrugs] Or maybe Sven Murphy, but that guy's a dick. No one should have to pay 5GP for canvas shoes. [To Dave] You don't mean Sven Murphy, do you?

Austin: Unless he finds us first! [To Dave] May I have one of your fine rest mushrooms please?


;;;; Austin will nibble away at the mushroom if he gets one
;;; awa hame
Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ eyes slightly glazed finishes his mouthful- wipes his mouth and carefully speaks] Sven Goring, it was told to Me that in a world like ours, the Goddess was nutzo. Sven was the hero who cast her down and took her place. In our world Dave believed Sven had been cast into Hell by the Evil cheese deniers. So, save Sven, save the world yes....[giggles girlishly] ooooops mushies are working.... Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ looking a bit freaked out now and clutching Dur] aaaargh I'm getting the weird now!!! Sent from my iPhone On 8 Sep 2016, at 17:00, dom >

wrote:

Clint: Just some guy, I expect! We'll find him when we ride into the volcano, surely

Austin: Unless he finds us first! [To Dave] May I have one of your fine mushrooms please? rest


;;;; Austin will nibble away at the mushroom if he gets one
;;; awa hame Dave:[ will gratuitously share mushrooms at any time- he considers it a simple act of courtesy]
[The party trudge up the mountain and eventually get to the top, where they can see a huge crater with a path leading down into a massive pit of lava.]

Alice: [Fanning herself] Is it hot? Or is it just me? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [eyes crazy from mushrooms, grinning like a madman- the orange glow of the lava not helping the look at all...] Har! You are hot!! Har Har but we are all hot too!! Even this little fellow [turns a big demonic grin seldom seen outside of a prison, onto poor poor Dur]

Austin: [Nibbling away at some mushrooms] Hmm, these do have an rest interesting flavour. Sort of nutty with underlying tones of wood and ...hmmm... mushroom. Yes, very mushroomy, [nibbles some more] Do you think they have oranges in Hell? Or perhaps just smaller citrus fruits like clementines? [Looks deep in thought] interesting flavour. Sort of nutty with underlying tones of wood and ...hmmm... mushroom. Yes, very mushroomy, [nibbles some more] Do you think they have oranges in Hell? Or perhaps just smaller citrus fruits like clementines? [Looks deep in thought]

Charlie: [To Austin, conversationally] Citrus does thrive in the heat, I believe. [To the party, scolding] Now, do let us have let mushroom-eating. We must stay sharp!

Alice: [Peering over the edge] Do we just head down into it? We seem a little... vulnerable, don't we?

Dur: [Eyes dilated dangerously] Why don't we just fly into it?

Austin: [With his arms out like wings] Shwoosh! Weee! rest

Boddy: You guys know that those mushrooms aren't hallucinogenic, right? Now, a little Epoisses or something, that might make you think you could fly in.


;;; Scott/Diego, just a heads up -- in Queens View, all cheese is some sort of mild narcotic.
;;; The stinkier it is, the more hallucinogenic.
;;; Speaking of which, we have another new player, Diego. Please make sure
;;; he's on all the mails from no on.

Austin: [Indignantly] It's the thought that counts! rest

Boddy: Sure. Yeeeha! [Digs his spurs into his elephant and starts racing into the volcano]

Dur: Buzzkill! [Spurs his elephant into following] into the volcano]

Charlie: [To Professor Tuskington] Onward, you brilliant behemoth! [Follows Dur and Boddy]

Alice: [Calling after the others] So? Are we just riding in or what?? Hey!


;;; Gone for the day, have a good weekend everyone!

Austin: [Puts on some flying goggles. To Louis in a whisper] Okay, stay rest close behind them, let them test the ground, but don't fall to the back, in case we get ambushed! Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ a bit troubled by the statement that "those mushrooms aren't hallucinogenic"] Hmmm.. So we are actually riding shaved mammoths into a volcano? This is rather worrying.

Clint: Haw! Don't worry about it, rookie. You get used to this kind of thing after a while! [Kicks Stampy into gear.] Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ briefly considers Clints words. Shrugs. Eats more mushrooms. Big grin returns. Waves axe enthusiastically] Har Har!!!! Sven we come!!! Demons run for my Axe will chop all over the place shortly!!! Harr!!!!!! Diego Nido Ochoa added you to his circles and invited you to join Google+. Click here to get started with

Google+: https://plus.google.com/_/notifications/ngemlink?&emid=COCz8-HuhM8CFYgsHgodBTICpQ&path=%2F%3Fgpinv%3DAMIXal9S55XPBeqTw2C9XYJPNw1JqzE9f7zUMk6--9ktAigHu19x5DoWM9-LdI2owmgJ_Sbgpn5TRX9oPphaW5lrRwSG1vtgcShB27MQ1OO40YCnB9YCGZY&dt=1473512753390&uob=10 Google+ makes sharing on the web more like sharing in real life. ------------------------ You received this message because Diego Nido Ochoa invited logger@queens-view.com to join Google+. Click here to unsubscribe from these

emails: https://plus.google.com/_/notifications/ngemlink?&emid=COCz8-HuhM8CFYgsHgodBTICpQ&path=%2F_%2Fnonplus%2Femailsettings%3Fgpinv%3DAMIXal9S55XPBeqTw2C9XYJPNw1JqzE9f7zUMk6--9ktAigHu19x5DoWM9-LdI2owmgJ_Sbgpn5TRX9oPphaW5lrRwSG1vtgcShB27MQ1OO40YCnB9YCGZY%26est%3DADH5u8VQRdGwqrNbPzm9WEeTtq6dTm1-UpaJqBPpG_uzcrf5ar4UGnwSrNOyBNfzqcONWYJ11odN4_9JWPd2MaZEISwxJwAYmqRoxoDDh3aCHo8hFOjPtIsYovys6lPklSAf4tGA1OKPlsJZy2tSD2oxOiuc0YlU4w&dt=1473512753390&uob=10

Alice: [Also strapping on some goggles, as well as a leather flying cap and extravagant white scarf that billows behind, irritating those behind her] Let's go! Let's get in and out as fast as possible.

[The party's enthusiasm for hell entry is slightly dampened by the sound of a rock slide behind them.]

Charlie: [Gasps] Double-time, Professor Tuskington! [Holds a sturdy book over her head]

Alice: Look! It's those HARMA guys again!

[Incredibly, it is GEORGE, who just a short while ago got an axe to the chest. He is bloodied and looks close to death, but is pushing the rocks down.]

George: You'll never get back out! Never! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! The joke is on you mr gaping axe wound! We ride into this broiling caldera and head to the Fiery realms of the demon realm! So we don't need your ridiculous aperture anyway!!!! Har Har!!!

Boddy: We might if we want to get back out again! broiling caldera and head to the Fiery realms of the demon realm! So we don't need

Charlie: How on earth can we stop him if an axe to the chest did not?! [Tries to turn Prof T around to charge George]

Clint: We might try boot to the face instead! [Tries to get Stampy turned around as well.]
;;; Kevin is out today

Dur: Stop! Don't turn around! There's not enough space! Shoot him!

George: It will be too late! I... [staggers and falls behind some of the boulders]

Alice: Yay! He's dead!

[GEORGE appears again, giving a weak thumbs up and looking pale from blood loss.]

George: I'm okay!

Clint: Uh... [Unscrews the pommel of his sword so he can throw it at George and end him rightly.]

[Bonk. GEORGE gets hit on the head, but he stays standing, albeit somewhat shakily.]

George: You'll never get out of there.

Alice: [Takes out her bow and fires] Stop him! [Misses] Gah!

Austin: [Tries to shoot George with this sling] Why wont he die! rest

Charlie: [Urgently] Dur, try a spell! And have we any magic weapons?!

Clint: I don't know, but I was sure that pommel thing would work! Sent from my iPhone

George: [Barely alive, put still pushing rocks down] For HARMA!

Charlie: [Chucks a rock back at George] Perhaps he merely needs to be killed three times?!

Austin: [Furious, tries to shoot George again] That's for all of the vile rest uniforms you wear in front of me!

[Each of AUSTIN, CHARLIE and ALICE hit GEORGE.]

George: You cannot stop justice! You ca... [Falls dead]

Alice: Phew! Thank god that unpleasantness is over. Now, let's ride into the fiery pits of hell!


;;; Looks like our new player has a problem! Diego is now off the list, so please
;;; make sure you don't add him back until things are sorted out

Charlie: Indeed, and let us hope this unholy creature is finally dead!

Dur: Hey! What did I ever do to you?!


;;;Back! Still not feeling a 100%, but I am back in the office and that is half the battle. The never ending, futile battle. *sigh*
;;; Sent that reply just to Heather the first time. I SAID I wasn’t 100%.

Charlie: [To Dur, reassuringly] Not you! I did NOT say [finger quotes] simple-minded that time! is half the battle. The never ending, futile battle. *sigh*


;;; Poor Kevin! On the plus side, you're really making me want
;;; to watch Office Space! : D

Dur: [Continues to glare at Charlie for a moment as he slowly processes her statement. Suddenly he smiles] Oh! Ok then, carry on!


;;; Pretty good representation of office life. Someone should do a mockumentary about office living.

Alice: Wait a second -- Dur is alive? Then why is he that awful colour? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [furrowed brow] do not heed them small puny friend! I shall trick them into giving you a sock! Then you shall be free!

Austin: I think we should charge a lot more than that for freedom! rest


;;;awa hame

Clint: [Nods.] If I were Dur, I'd hold out for at least a pants sandwich or something.

[The party charge into the volcano, as the heat builds up to unbearable levels. Every struggles with staying conscious but slowly pass out as the elephants continue their charge.]

;;; End of act, next one coming up tomorrow!
[Book XII, Act III, Scene I. The Waiting Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and BODDY are here, all suddenly coming to. The room is similar to a doctor's waiting room, complete with once comfortable but now sad and stained seats, as well as a table full of bland magazines. There is a huge mirror on one side and no apparent doors.]

Alice: Well, this doesn't seem too bad. [Picks up a 'Good Haircare' magazine] Aw, man! This is years old!

Boddy: That's hell for you!

Charlie: [Regards the magazines unhappily, dangling an issue of Scynce Plus Stuff!] Who on earth reads this nonsense?! [Reads aloud] This month, Scynce Guyz Chip and Chaz prove the latest episode of The Dalking Ted could totally happen in real life!

Austin: Please stop! [Covers his ears] There is really no need to make rest Hell worse than it already is!

Boddy: It's going to get a hell of a lot worse. [Shows a magazine to the party, it is "Punchable Face" and has a picture of the party (not including Boddy) on the front]

Alice: Hey! How come you're not on it! It should be hell for you too, right?

Boddy: It is. [Opens the magazine and gets punched in the face by a hidden glove/spring mechanism] Ow.

Austin: Or dear! [Tries to find some kind of mask to wear] rest

[Alas there is a sad lack of masks in the room. All that's here are the magazines.]
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ha. This is a waiting room? I do not wish to wait! [start aggressively looking for an exit, throwing things about noisily. If he can't find an exit he will attempt to make one with an axe]

Austin: [Encouragingly] There may be an exit through the mirror? rest Sent from my iPhone On 14 Sep 2016, at 13:39, dom >

wrote:

Dave: ha. This is a waiting room? I do not wish to wait! [start aggressively looking for an exit, throwing things about noisily. If he can't find an exit he will attempt to make one with an axe]

Austin: [Encouragingly] There may be an exit through the mirror? rest

Dave: [ raise an approving big red eyebrow at Austin... Grin like a maniac... Nod! Of course a magical portal! Run through the mirror]

[Splat. DAVE hits the mirror at full speed, and slowly slips down, his face making a painful squeaking noise as he does.]

Alice: Ouch!

Charlie: [Nods at Dave's efforts approvingly] Good thinking! Perhaps we could try breaking it? [Tries to crack the mirror with the pommel of her sword]

Austin: Yes, good thinking Sarge. I was expecting Dave to use his axe, not rest his face. I expect he will learn in time, if he observes you closely.

[CHARLIE gives the mirror a good thump, but doesn't even scratch it.]

Alice: Hey! Who are those people watching us? it.]

Charlie: [To Alice, patiently] Do they look exactly like us, by any chance?

Alice: They kinda do! But [points at the mirror] her hair is nowhere near as nice as mine!

Clint: [Picks up one of the chairs and tries throwing it at the mirror.] Maybe this will work!

[The chair bounces off the mirror and flies back at the party, causing everyone to duck.]

Alice: Hey! Who's that guy?

[ALICE points to FERRIS STEIN, a bored looking man in his sixties, now sitting in the chairs that the party were in.]

Ferris: [Looks up from "Punchable Face Magazine"] You can't break the mirror with a chair.

Ferris Stein

Clint: You don't say!

Ferris: [Gives Clint a long stare] I do.

Dur: Couldn't you have told us that before we tried?

Ferris: No.

Alice: Why not?

Ferris: Because I wasn't here.

Charlie: [To Ferris] Do you, by any chance, know the way out of this room? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [from the floor] tsk! If he is a demon he will seek to deceive us.... Hey you! Strange recently manifesting person! Are you a Demon???

Ferris: No. [To Charlie] Through the mirror, I believe, but there may be a wait. a wait.

Charlie: Oh, perhaps we could play charades?! I'll start! [Begins by making the classic "book" gesture with her hands]

Austin: Let's not. None of the rest of us don't know the titles of the rest books you have written! [Chuckles. Lights up two cigarettes and gives one to Alice, puts his own in a ridiculously long cigarette holder and blows two smoke rings]

Alice: [Takes the cigarette and takes a drag, before coughing and spluttering] Yuck! What the hell? That tastes disgusting!

Boddy: That's hell for you. [To Ferris] How long are we going to be waiting?

Ferris: Check your pockets, you should each have a number.

Alice: [Rifles through her pockets and pulls out a piece of paper] Hey! He's right. [Reads it] 1,000,000,023. What have you guys got?


;;; Everyone has a number within two or three of Alice's
waiting?

Charlie: [Looks at her number and sighs] Perhaps they are already on 1,000,000,021? [To Ferris, hopefully] What number was just called?

Ferris: Four. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ sitting now. Produces own number chit. Scowls. Produces small stubby pencil from within furs- crosses out numbers down to 2 digits. Waits to see if this cunning ploy works]...

Boddy: [To the party] Why don't we just steal his number?

Alice: Because stealing is wrong!

Boddy: We're in hell. Surely this is the done thing here?

Charlie: [To Ferris] Hello there! Could I borrow your number for a moment? I want to verify that mine is authentic by cross-checking it with yours.

Ferris: I gouged the eyes out of three people before I was killed this morning. moment? morning.

Charlie: [Squints at Ferris] Pestilence?!

Dur: [Shudders] Does it not concern you that others’ bloodlust simply reminds you of your husband?!

Boddy: [Nods] It's not like he has a monopoly on eye gouging.

Ferris: [Holds up a handful of eyes] I don't know any Pestilence, but you're welcome to look at my eye collection while you wait.

Dur: [With a good natured grin] We'd rather see your number collection.

Ferris: A census taker once asked to see my number collection. I gouged his eyes out.

Alice: [To the party] I don't think he's going to just give us his number.

Charlie: Indeed, what IS your number, again?

Dur: Err.... right. Well besides that, he got here after us didn't he? That would mean that he couldn't possibly be before us, right?

Ferris: [With an unbearably smug look] Welcome to hell! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ getting up. Glowering at Ferris.] you are in hell as a bad man. So, I think you give us your ticket as we are also not here because we are gentle. GIVE THE PRETTY GIRL TICKET!!!!!! NOOOOW!!!!!

Clint: Haw! I like your style, rookie. But, and I hate to state the obvious, what good does getting *one* good ticket do us all? Don't we need a bunch of them? Sent from my iPhone Dave:all leap through with one ticket! We are together yes? One of us go through alone is vulnerable to Demons on the other side- or we get split up. Not good any case. We are not dead evil doers! We are live Heroes!!!!

Ferris: [Gives Dave a bored look] Sure you are. There is, and I say this with 100% certainty, no way in hell you're getting my ticket. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [adopting a cunning expression] oh you so certain mr eyeball? ..... Well .... 'I know a song that will get on da nerves get on da nerves get on da nerves I know a song that will get on da nerves 'etc ad nauseum...'

Austin: Yes, that does 'get on da nerves' in a fairly comprehensive rest manner. However, I anticipate collateral damage. [Puts out his cigarette in disgust. Has a snoop around to see what he can find]


;;; Aka searches for secret doors/traps etc
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will persist in antagonising Ferris. It is Hell after all]

[AUSTIN doesn't succeed in finding any traps.]

Ferris: [Bored] I can sit through this all day. I am here for eternity, after all. I worked my whole life for this.

Alice: [Blocking her ears] Dur! [To the party] Let's just smack him over the head with an axe. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [expressively] can I?? I thought you would all judge me harshly !!! HAR!!! [ attempts to embed axe in poor Ferris' noggin]

Charlie: [To Alice, shocked] His song is irritating, but I hardly think he should be killed for it! [Abruptly punches Ferris]

[Both CHARLIE and DAVE connect with FERRIS, knocking him to the ground.]

Alice: [Taken aback] Uh... suuuuure! That's who I meant you to hit! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [seek to work with Charlie to overpower Ferris] Dur!! Little friend!! Get the ticket!!!

Alice: Yeesh, Dave, all you had to do was ask! [Holds out her ticket to Dave]

[Poor old FERRIS, although somehow still alive, is easily overpowered.]
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [seek to aquire Ferris ticket. Confiscate any eyeballs making disapproving tsk tsk noises]

[DAVE quickly locates the ticket and holds it up victoriously.]

Ferris: Hey! That's mine! You can't just take it! That's not fair!

Alice: Welcome to hell, buddy!

Charlie: [To Ferris, sympathetically] At least you have no friends here to see you at your lowest moment.

Austin: I get the impression he has been lower, much lower. rest

Ferris: [Lying on the ground, axe in head and covered in blood] Yeah, that's true, but in my defence, I didn't realise it was a child's birthday party.

Dur: [Surprised at their triumph, wary of a trick] What number did we get?

Clint: Say, has anyone heard them actually calling numbers in the first place?

Austin: I have not seen anyone who could call numbers yet. They may be on rest a coffee break?

[DAVE holds up the number he took from FERRIS, it is a four.]

Alice: Maybe they're just really slow calling the numbers? You know, like in Ploddo? The really slow bingo game where they call a number once a week?

Charlie: Perhaps they do not realize how pleasant we find it in this nice, peaceful room? [Taps on the mirror] Hello? Are you ready for number 4? We do not feel sufficiently damned to Hell!

Austin: Don't encourage them! Hell is a bureaucratic nightmare! rest

[An unseen speaker crackles and an announcer speaks.]

Announcer: [Speaking very slowly] Now serving ...

Alice: [Holds up her number] Please make it be 1,000,000,023! [Crosses her fingers]

Announcer: Bird with two squiggly lines over its head.

Alice: Oh man! We don't even have the right numeral system! We're gonna be here all day!

Clint: I'm not sure about that, lawyer -- they could take lessons from the revenue service!

[The wall with the mirror on it slides up, so that there is a gap at the bottom, just big enough for even DAVE to slip through.]

Austin: Oh look, someone could get under there. Perhaps Dur would like to rest try? Please remember to scream loudly if you get attacked on the other side. to try? Please remember to scream loudly if you get attacked on the other side.

Charlie: [Gasps and dives for the floor, trying to crawl under the mirror] Follow me, group! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [gleefully following close behind, looking back at Dur, Austin etc, gigging and winking pointing at Charlie's bottom as it wriggles under said mirror] Dave is behind your behind !!

Austin: Excellent, lead from the front Sarge! Always the best option. rest [Tries to follow if he can]. On 19 September 2016 at 11:08, dom

wrote:

[With great difficulty, everyone squeezes through, to find a bored looking woman, BAM PEESLEY, sitting at a desk on the other side.]

Bam: Welcome to hell.

Bam Peesley

Austin: Hi! Do you keep the mirror low just for kicks, or is it broken? rest

Charlie: [To Bam] Marvelous! We are delighted to be here. Now, where would one find the nearest library?

Dur: [Clinches his eyes closed, crosses his fingers, and repeats quietly to himself] Please don’t have libraries in hell… please don’t have libraries in hell…

Bam: We have hell's largest library in the next room. It's open to everyone who isn't on the Wall of Shame.


;;; Stuck in a meeting for two hours, so sporadic posting!

Dur: [Changes his chanting slightly] Please let me be on the Wall of Shame, please let me be on the Wall of Shame!

Bam: [Checks a clipboard] Dur, right? You're down for leading a book reading on the importance of cleanliness, starting at 1PM.

Dur: [Falls to his knees] Noooooooooo! This really IS hell! Shame, please let me be on the Wall of Shame!

Charlie: [So.Excited] Oh, oh! What is the subject of MY reading??

Bam: You're Charlie? [Coldly] People on the Wall of Shame are not allowed into the library.

Charlie: [Turns white and whispers in a haunted voice] Then all hope is lost. . . .

Austin: [Shocked] She's not allowed in! On no! [Looks around desperately, rest for an exit] That has horrific implications!


;;;awa hame

Clint: You mean... [turns pale.] ah crap.

Alice: What? What does he mean?

Clint: Don't you get it, Bimbo? Nerds are banned from the library, and the rest of us are forced to go to the library! It's equal opportunity torture! [Frowns.] Which, now that I think about it, sounds fair, and being fair doesn't sound very much like hell to me!
;;; Looks like scott accidentally replied only to me on his latest message and then I didn't notice and replied only to him. Putting it all here for context. Start with me #72

Dave: the insidious evil of it! Making warriors think! We must resist Clint! Look at me man! Shout mindless violent slogans with me!!

Clint: Right on! Down with this sort of thing!


;;; and that brings us through #74
message and then I didn't notice and replied only to him. Putting it all here for context. Start with me #72 the rest of us are forced to go to the library! It's equal opportunity torture! [Frowns.] Which, now that I think about it, sounds fair, and being fair doesn't sound very much like hell to me! Clint! Look at me man! Shout mindless violent slogans with me!!

Charlie: Quite so! [To Bam, incredulously] And just what, pray tell, am I to do if I am denied library privileges?! Go to a sporting event? Attend a spectacle with the [vaguely] large muddy trucks?

Bam: [Checks her clipboard] Wet t-shirt hot dog eating competition.

Austin: [To Charlie] It could be worse, you could be in the competition! rest

Alice: I know! I mean, what on earth does a hot dog t-shirt taste like? competition!

Charlie: [To Alice] I assure you, I shall NEVER find out! [To Bam] And this is Hell's purpose? Just to irritate people for all eternity? No wonder you are in such a deep malaise!

Bam: [Confused] Surely you know it's purpose? You came here deliberately! this wonder you

Charlie: Yes, but we are not here to experience the full glories of Hell, if you will. We are seeking deposed gods! [Hopefully] Will any be attending the hot dog eating competition?

Clint: Whereas no matter what else you do, please don't let there be any deposed gods at the library!

Bam: No, they won't be there, they'll be busy planning for tomorrow night.

Austin: [Excited] What is on tomorrow night? Is it a party! Are we rest invited?

Alice: [Nods] Yes! What are they doing tomorrow night?

Bam: The same thing they do every night. [Dramatically] Try to take over the world!

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, how thrilling! And where can we find those naughty fallen gods?

Bam: [Heavy sigh] Just make an appointment. I can arrange that.

Dur: it SEEMS simple enough. [Eyes narrow] What's the catch?

Bam: There's no catch. Now, let's see, it's 8:30AM, how about an appointment at... [flicks through a huge book] 9:15AM.

Alice: Oh man! We have to wait 45 minutes! What a gyp!

Bam: [Gives Alice a quick glare before continuing] 9:15AM three hundred years from next Thursday?

Charlie: [To Bam, hopefully] By any chance, does time move more quickly here than in other dimensions?

Dur: Certainly we know someone in hell who can pull some strings for us? With our track record?

Bam: Time moves more slowly here! There are actually a number of people here who know you. They're waiting outside.

Clint: Oh, I'm not sure 9:15 works for us -- that's when the plumber is supposed to show up! Do you have anything earlier? Say, if we find the person with the appointment for an hour from now and beat the crap out of him and take his place, something like that? supposed to show up! Do you have anything earlier? Say, if we find the person with the appointment for an hour from now and beat the crap out of him and take his place, something like that?

Charlie: Oh, very hellish of you, Mr. Scar! [To Bam, eagerly] Who is waiting to meet us?

Bam: No, that would be ridiculous. It is completely impossible. [Looks at her clipboard] Oh, actually, that person is waiting outside for you.

Charlie: Splendid! Let us go and meet this mystery person at once!

Bam: There's a queue, so there'll be a bit of a wait.

Dur: Is that ALL hell is about? Constant waiting? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: you know, I'm actually starting to enjoy this. It is very relaxing just standing with friends. I find myself musing on the meaning of everything. Why are we here? Am I real? Are we just figments of some greater beings imagination?

Bam: Oh, you won't be waiting. The queue is to see you. There's a lot more to hell than waiting.

Alice: Such as?

Bam: Terrifying battles to the death, resulting in the loser being tortured by a hundred demons for a thousand years.

Alice: Anything else?

Bam: [Looks through various sheets on her clipboard] Uh, well... [defensively] it's not just about waiting!

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, we have fans, do we?! Where are they?

Austin: Probably just another misguided bunch of HARMA lovers. rest

Dave: but... Are they misguided?... Have we really considered their viewpoint? Do they have evidence and rationalisation for their stance? They killed Dave, but why? Was it meant to be?? Sent from my iPhone On 22 Sep 2016, at 16:13, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, we have fans, do we?! Where are they?

Austin: Probably just another misguided bunch of HARMA lovers. rest

Boddy: Meant to be? Nothing is meant to be, it's just all a pile of shit and we have to punch the bad guy in the face before he does it to us. Don't consider HARMA's viewpoint, stab it in the back before you're brainwashed into thinking they're right. [Shrugs] Or, whatever, I mean, it's not like I have a particular beef with them.

Bam: Some of them are HARMA, but, well... there are quite a lot of them.

Clint: [Proudly.] Yeah.

Bam: Once you've dealt with them you might be able to take that earlier appointment.

Clint: Hmm. [To the group.] Sounds like we don't really have time for this. On the bright side, these people are probably all really stupid, so how are we going to trick our way past them?

Dave: hmm many may not know you so perhaps I drape you all over me like hides and pretend you are my trophies? Sent from my iPhone

Alice: [To Bam] How many are there?

Bam: About a hundred.


;;; Out all day so no posting!
hides and pretend you are my trophies?

Charlie: [Surprised] What do they want?

Bam: To kill you.

Alice: And how likely is the draping strategy to work?

Bam: Unless you're already dead and skinned, unlikely. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [looks disappointed] .. Maybe they are friendly then?

Charlie: [Nods at Dave] Indeed! How could we have such a large group of enemies in Hell?! We've only just arrived!

Bam: [Gives an exhausted sigh before pulling out a huge folder] Let's see. One or more of you is directly responsible for the deaths and subsequent damning to hell of 73% of them, 10% of them were killed by other means but were sworn enemies of yours, 6% wrongly blame you for them being here, 5% know of you by reputation and hate you because of that, 3% are regular mob joiners here for the free sandwiches, 2% have one or more of you confused with other people and the remaining 1% is made up of a mixture of bitter tailors, impregnated party girls and assorted stalkers. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [not entirely unhappy] so, it is probable we have no choice but to resort to terrible mindless violence then? Hee hee..

Alice: Can we kill them? I mean, they are dead already, right?

Bam: Yes, so once you kill them, they get subjected to unbearable torture for a while, before going back to the end of the line and fighting you again. Eventually they get tired of it though, and stop rejoining. Or you get killed.

Dur: Perhaps there is a back door we could take to circumvent them?

Bam: No, the rules are quite clear. The challenged -- that's you -- get to choose the weapons, and the fighting continues until the challengers agree to stop. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: We get to choose the weapons? Oh.. Hohoho. My weapon of choice! Is SONG!!!

Bam: [Checks a box on her clipboard] Right, the decision is made. [Points to the door] Please step through, the angry mob will be waiting for you just outside.

Charlie: [Gasps] NO! Oh, WHY couldn't it have been research skills??

Alice: Because that's so boring it would kill US!

Clint: Well, this could take a while. Everybody knows "I Know a Song That Gets on Everbody's Nerves," right? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ grins insanely at group and devours a handful of mushrooms]

Alice: Sure, but so too do the baddies on the other side!

Clint: Hmm. Is there some way we can cheat? Say, temporary deafness?

Alice: What?

Austin: He said you should go first, you have a great voice, and know some rest fantastic songs.


;;;sorry hectic day

Alice: Ha! Shows what you know! I was just pretending!

Charlie: [Slightly panicked] I only know my school's alma mater and one wretched children's tune [in an insipid singsongy voice] I love you! I love peas! We're a happy [struggles] pod of peas? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! Dave will take this Sing off to the Hell monkeys! [dramatically flinging off outer furs to reveal.... More furs.. But Liberace sparkly ones- he will then proceed to "vogue" towards the waiting enemies, high stepping and pouting Milan catwalk stylee.....] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [using his axe to pole dance suggestively throwing his long red tresses about and pouting, plenty of twerking too] " My smoked fish brings all the Traders to the yard.... Ya ya ya ya yaaaaa...."

Bam: A-ahem! [Points to sign on the wall that reads "No Singing"] This Hell's Waiting Room. You can't sing here! Take it outside! [Gestures to a large door] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: oooops... My bad......

Austin: [Watching Dave] Hmm, he's got some moves. Could go a long way, rest with suitable legal representation, of course.


;;;; love the song

;;; I’m out next couple days btw

From: dom [mailto:djmalzie@gmail.com]

Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 6:13 AM

To: scott groves

Cc: Heather; Conor Ryan; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Henderson; logger@queens-view.com

Subject: [qv] 03.01.117

Dave: [using his axe to pole dance suggestively throwing his long red tresses about and pouting, plenty of twerking too] " My smoked fish brings all the Traders to the yard.... Ya ya ya ya yaaaaa...."

Austin: [Watching Dave] Hmm, he's got some moves. Could go a long way, with suitable legal representation, of course. rest


;;;; love the song
with suitable legal representation, of course.

Charlie: [Watches Dave in open-mouthed shock] Why, he's splendid! [To Austin] Indeed, he should be our first line of defense in this upcoming war. [Hopefully] And what have you got in your [finger quotes] arsenal of dance moves?!

Alice: [Swoons] A real life rock star, wow!

Bam: [Points to another sign that reads "No swooning"] Ahem!

Alice: Gah!

[BAM points to yet another sign that reads "No asking people about their arsenal's of dance moves".]

Alice: Man, that's an oddly specific sign, isn't it? Do you get have much use for?

Bam: Not as much as you'd expect.

Austin: [Smiles in glee] But it does not say that I cannot tell people rest about my arsenal of dance moves!

Bam: [Pained sigh] Sure, but the one behind you does.

[Incredibly, there is a sign on the wall just behind the party that reads "No telling people about your arsenal of dance moves"]

Alice: How about this sign that says "No pointing out signs to people"?

Bam: That's not one of our signs.

Alice: Really? Why? [To the party] That's suspiciously convenient, isn't it?

Bam: Our signs are not mounted on cardboard, are never written in crayon, do not contain misspellings and do not use little love hearts as the dots above the letter i.

Alice: What misspelling?

Bam: No word on your sign is spelled correctly.

Clint: Figures Hell is run by grammar nazis! Alice is just a... uh.... nonconformist when it comes to spelling! She rejects your cultural imperialism!

[The party turn and look at a sign that reads "No rejecting cultural imperialism".]

Alice: Gah!

Boddy: Let's go sing some people to death.


;;; No posting today, back to normal tomorrow!
[Book X, Act III, Scene II. The Brawl Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, along with BODDY. It is a fairly large room with a door on the opposite side. Filling the space between the party and the door is LENIN BUCKLEY, DR. JEROME K. TRINDLE BSC. PHD., IOK SOTOT, DANGSTEN BLACKHEART, DICEY "FORTY COATS" O'REILLY, DADDY PEARSE, PEARSE PEARCE, PEARSE PEARCE TOO, PARSON NATHANIEL, CINDY TIGER, CAPTAIN DARLING, ALBERTI BERTONE, CARLOS BERTONE, GIANLUCA BERTONE, TOM BRAIDER, WILBUR SPLEEN, CLARA LOFT, CAPTAIN PATCH, WILLING PIKER, BETA, DOYOUWANNA TRYHARD, TORVILLE DEAN, RECKLESS DUNDEE, ARGY BARGY, JENNY JESSE WINFREY, KENNY WHO?, KENNY WHAT?, KENNY WHERE?, KENNY WHY?, BUMCH UM, DIRTY BETTY, DOBBIN, ROURKE, TOM SELLSICK, BENSON HEDGES, TOM SMOOTH, SLUG, STRAHD, MORTICE, ANIMAL, BT PARNUM, GILLTON MENN, POTIPHAR, NURSE HERPES, MR BLAND, DR PUKE, FAETAN JARL, SARASATE FRAY, WHINGER MCCAOIN, DANA, MURIEL RYAN, CHARLES CARTHINGTON-MONTGOMERY IV, TJ SNUIZE, BOWLDERISER THE INSANE, FLAGELLA, SCARILOOMPA, EINSTELOOMPA, CHICKALOOMPA, BELLE ARAGORN, CORWYN, CRONYN, PEBBLES RAMBO, PETER BORST, BEVERLY WAVERLY, TIPPER OVEUR, RALPH WALTON, MS MANNERS, BO DARVILLE, ALMIRA GULCH, MORTEN VIGGOSEN, AMON EIDOLON, MIKEY WALSH, KEITH WALSH, SHANE WALSH and WALLY LOUCHE, who move in menacingly, many of them shouting obscenities.]

Dangsten: [Takes out a huge sword and swings it the mob] Back off. We might be in hell but that's no excuse for bad manners. Who's first?

Dicey: Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets I do declare in front of holy Mary and all the saints except saint George that 'tis me!


;;; These are all NPCs that the party have encountered in the past, their pics can be
;;; seen on the cast page

Dur: [Scratching his head] Um.... what?

Dicey: Ah sure, jasus, are you deaf? [Holds up his shillelagh threateningly] Are or ye askin' for my big weapon to be shoved up your arse? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [eyes widening in horror will attempt to cover Dur's ears to prevent trauma] Ooooo! There is no need for that talk!

Charlie: [Takes a defensive position and warns] Do let us pass, or we shall be forced to defend ourselves--with lethal VOICE! [To Dave] Unleash your talents, man! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will nod assent to Charlie, strike a pose, shrug off outer layers to reveal his shimmering dragonscale catsuit and then unleash..... CHICAGO!!!!!]

Dicey: Ah, a sing off you're lookin' for? Sure'n begorrah, bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and me fifty pockets, ye've sadly over-misunderestimated me. I know ten thousand depressing songs, about a hundred thousand ways to die, featuring a million wailing women, children and men so eaten with sorrow they won't throw themselves off a cliff for fear that they might enjoy the fall too much! [Rips his clothes, showing them to be stripper-like pull aways, revealing an alarmingly small green thong]

Alice: [Whispers to the party] A thong? I thought it was supposed to be a song?


;;; Boom boom!
layers to reveal his shimmering dragonscale catsuit and then unleash..... CHICAGO!!!!!] song?

Charlie: [Panicking] Oh, dear! Alice, Austin--quickly! Give the rest of us one of your thongs, and don't pretend you both do not travel with dozens!

Alice: [Offended] I certainly do not! [Stares Charlie in the eye for a moment] Okay, I might have one or two with me right now. [Fishes out a dozen ludicrously small and glittery thongs]

Austin: [Unfolds a small rail of assorted designer thongs and passes it to rest Charlie. To Dicey, looking at his thong] That might as well be a song, it would cover more.

Clint: [Truly horrified.] Are we sure this is a battle worth fighting?!

Boddy: Are we sure this is a battle that can be won? By either side?

Clint: [Nods fervently.] In a situation like this, there are no winners, only losers! only losers!

Charlie: [Eyeing the thongs with horror] Perhaps diplomacy is the answer! [Clears her throat; to the horde of enemies] Hello, could I have your attention? Are you really so thin-skinned that you're still holding ancient grudges, when you could be working together to change the very course of world history?!

Dicey: Thin skinned? How dare you? [Puts up his fists, ready for a fight]

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD, is intrigued at your suggestion. Would you care to elaborate?

Charlie: [Pleased] Why, thank you, Dr. Trindle! You know, I always wished we had an opportunity to collaborate on a project together. [Quickly] A non-evil one, of course! [Back to business] Now, how would you like to work with us to bring an out-of-control god back to her senses?

Austin: I am getting an odd feeling of Deja vu.[Puts on his dancing shoes] rest

Jerome: By back to her senses do you mean kill her so that Jerome becomes Phili?

Dicey: No! Kill her so that I become Phili!

Dur: Haven't we tried that before?

Austin: Yes, pretty much. The plan is to get her to be a nice Philli, and rest not kill anyone we like. .

BT: Maybe you have, but you haven't tried it with me at the helm! I'm the greatest at killing gods, everyone says so!

Charlie: We are NOT killing her! She's my daughter! We just want to teach her a lesson, as Mr. Sleaze said.

Dangsten: [Laughs at Austin and Charlie] No such thing! Gods always fight each other. It's what we do.

Austin: [Rolls his eyes] You are so last pantheon! You need to get your rest shuffle on.


;;;awa oot

Clint: Besides, think of the alternative -- several lifetimes of watching *that* [gestures to Dave] in *this* [gestures to a thong]. Is it really worth it? Sent from my iPhone

Dangsten: [Grabs Austin by the shirt and lifts him up] What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[A voice BOOMS out from a hidden speaker.]

Voice: No touching!

[DANGSTEN appears to suffer a massive shock and drops AUSTIN.]

Dangsten: [Bzzt!] No touching!

Charlie: [To the enemies] What a terrible shame the rest of you have been bested by a very young girl, who now rules the world! [To the party] What did I read about shrinking phallic measurements and their correlation to political defeats at the hands of women?

Alice: Uh.. that it's really big? [Thinks] Or is that small?

Tom: I wasn't bested by a little girl, I was set on fire by your husband.

Tom Sellsick


;;; This is true, and some of the party where there (Alice, Austin and Clint) and also killed,
;;; but brought back to life. This was before Pestilence met Charlie!

Austin: [Straightens his shirt and tie. To Charlie] I have no idea what rest political pornography you read. [Checks his nails] I do know that if phalluses are shrinking in your hands you are not doing it correctly.

Boddy: What do they do in your hands?

Charlie: [To Austin, primly] You fail to understand my witty insults, but believe me when I say, they were most humiliating! [To Tom, brightly] Were you? Well, you shall be delighted to hear that he is much improved by marriage and is no longer [delicately] badly behaved!

Austin: Would you like to find out? [Checks his diary] I am free on Friday rest evening?

Boddy: That's okay, Austin, it's already getting smaller.

Tom: [To Charlie] Great! That'll make killing him easier.

Jerome: Before we start to work on our lists of enemies, perhaps we should formulate some sort plan? It seems odd that one wouldn't want to kill god, but let's assume for the time being that such a strategy does yield the result that you seek. What is in it for us?

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes at Tom] I suspect he would relish your feeble attempt! [To Jerome, excited] Oh my, yes! Let's make lots and lots of plans and ever so many lists! [Pulls out a notepad] Let's see, first we need a show of hands--who would like to assist us?

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD repeats his question. What is in it for us?

Jerome: Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD repeats his question. What is

Austin: You will probably get to watch her kill us horribly. rest

Dangsten: Inviting, but not as much as getting to kill you ourselves.

Charlie: Ah, but remember [makes a bzzt! sound] --no touching!

Austin: [Giggles] More deja vu! rest

Clint: Besides, what do you people mean "what's in it for us." We're talking about confronting Phili here. Are you people so out of ambition, energy, and enterprise that a bunch of scheming opportunists like yourselves can't come up with something in that for yourselves? Do we really have to make your evil plans for you now? Seems like that gives us a leg up on stopping you to me!

Jerome: Without being able to kill Phili, it would seem that there is little to be gained, but you do give Dr. Jerome K. Trindle BSc, PhD, an idea. Please give us a moment.

[JEROME turns his back on the party and starts addressing the others in a low voice, pointing out thinks on a portable whiteboard.]

Alice: [To the party] So... we're going to get them to help us stop Will, but not have them kill her? Are we sure that's going to work?

Charlie: [Crossing her arms defiantly] Surely you are not suggesting that I would ever advocate my daughter's murder by a pack of vengeful gods?! [Hopefully] Perhaps the alluring possibility of our terrible deaths at her hands will be enough for them!

Austin: There is of course, another motivating factor. If we don't stop rest this cycle of God after God, the Realms and perhaps reality will be destroyed! No winners there.

Dur: I’m more concerned about the fact that Tindle is plotting again. I mean, wasn’t it hard enough stopping him the last time?

Clint: [Nods.] I mean, you get to avoid the destruction of all of reality. You get a [glances quickly at Charlie] unspecified opportunity to do something evil. You'll probably get to watch us die! And you don't have to look at Dave in a thong. I don't see any down sides for you folks!

Alice: I don't know, Dur, maybe he's learned his lesson?

[The party turn to look at JEROME, who's still showing things to the hell residents on his whiteboard, before he tents his fingers.]

Jerome: Eeeeexcellent!

Alice: Hm, maybe the world is going to end!

Boddy: It seems pretty clear that the world will end if Will stays in power, and if she's replaced by someone stronger, they'll almost certainly destroy the world.

Dur: Couldn't we replace her with someone weaker then? Perhaps someone so cowardly they would be afraid of things that were practically harmless? Someone whose only ambition is to live another day? the hell residents on his whiteboard, before he tents his fingers.] power, and if she's replaced by someone stronger, they'll almost certainly destroy the world. cowardly they would be afraid of things that were practically harmless? Someone whose only ambition is to live another day?

Charlie: [To Dur] But how could someone weaker defeat Will? [Proudly] She is awfully impressive, after all! [Frowns] Though very badly behaved!

Alice: And this cowardly person who's afraid of practically harmless things... would they also have a penchant of patheticness? A love for scraps?

Dur: [Shudders, to Charlie] They can’t! We’re doomed! Unless we can trick someone stronger into letting someone weaker take the killing blow? [Looks at Alice thoughtfully] I think it would go without saying that they would of course be rather pathetic. Though perhaps we could find someone who doesn't love scraps? I'm not great at sharing...

Clint: [Slowly.] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but maybe the doc's right? Remember the really old Philis, back when Phili was basically a harmless idiot? Maybe that's what we need again? doc's right? Remember the really old Philis, back when Phili was basically a harmless idiot? Maybe that's what we need again?

Charlie: [Excited] Dur! Did you hear that?! Mr. Scar said perhaps you are correct! [Beams] I told you that, with time, your ideas would begin to be taken more seriously by the simple-minded! Just think--some day literate folk might approve of your notions from time to time, as well! Sent from my iPhone Dave:[still slightly miffed at derogatory remarks about the thong fitness] Har! Remember Sven! Dave (not me- the other me) swore that Sven Goring was an excellent God! Under his wise rule Viking rule was unitary! All womenfolk were buxom! Mead and Ale prices were reasonable! Smoked fish was plentiful! Careers in pillaging and it's associated shipbuilding, service, armouring and medical industries were booming! We must find Sven!

Alice: Then why did Percy have us visit all those other weirdoes, like the hipsters and the mothers against fun? I mean, I know that it distracted HARMA from being able to kill us, but.. hm, maybe that's what she was trying to do? After all, it did divide their attention.

Charlie: Then we need to convince these fallen gods to pursue a variety of goals, not just go after Will!

Alice: That would really only work if they all hated each other. [Thinks hard] What are the chances that a bunch of people damned to hell for all eternity could be relied upon to try and cheat each other?

Austin: I would have thought the chances would be fairly high, but perhaps rest they have all reformed [Looks down the neat line of the Dammed]

[The party follow AUSTIN's gaze to see that at least half of the Damned are involved in minor tussles with each other.]

Alice: That does indeed seem to be the case!


;;; Out for the rest of the day!

Charlie: [Regarding the Damned] Splendid! Perhaps we can get them to join us and encourage them to attack one another in an effort to eliminate the competition, rather than directly targeting Will!

Jerome: [To the party] We agree to your proposition. And we will do our best to avoid attacking each oth-

[JEROME is interrupted by the sound of PEARSE PEARCE getting his head cut off by DADDY PEARCE.]

Jerome: [Smiles] Well, there will be some stumbles.

Austin: I think the singing competition was the best option. rest

Jerome: Good for you, Austin! Good for you!

Dur: I have a bad feeling about this! But I have a bad feeling about everything really.... everything really....

Charlie: [To Jerome] Marvelous! Now, let us go get my daughter under control!

Jerome: Uh.. well, we can't go.

Dur: Why not? Didn't you just agree to help?

Jerome: Indeed, quite so. We are all quite excited about helping, [to the damned souls] isn't the right?

[There are a few slightly agreeable murmurs and shrugs, but no one seems to actually disagree.]

Jerome: But we're damned souls in hell? Do you think we can just leave any time we want?

Dur: Ummmm.... [Guessing] No?

Charlie: Perhaps we can get you released for good--or would it be bad?!--behavior?

Jerome: [Nods at Dur] Correct. [To Charlie] Perhaps. It would depend on how good your relationship is with Seth.

Clint: And who, currently, is Seth again?


;;; Sorry, I forget! I am, at least, right in assuming that Seth gets replaced periodically too, right?

Austin: A good question Mr Scar, and one that we should probably of asked rest before coming here [Looks around nervously]

Alice: Oh, I'm sure we'll be fine. I mean, how likely is that Seth on this world blames us for being damned to hell?

Jerome: Seth is currently Jusilla. She was sent here by Wilhelmina who used your presence here as a way to use Spruce against her. [Gives a weak smile] I'm sure you'll be fine.

Austin: Oh, that's a great relief.I am quite certain that Jusilla would rest much rather be Seth than be tortured for all eternity. much rather be Seth than be tortured for all eternity.

Charlie: [Grimly] Well, at least she will likely be motivated to stop Will! [To Jerome] Where might we find Jusilla?

Jerome: She's on a rampage, killing and torturing anyone she can get her hands on, in the hope that she'll find someone to blame for Will taking power.

Alice: Hm, I think that perhaps the direct approach mightn't work so well here!

Austin: It has worked before though! Why don't you give it a go, you are rest excellent at mathematics, after all.

Dur: What would the indirect approach be?  

Jerome: To sneak into her lair, avoid her most loyal and evil servants, and then stab her in the back.

Charlie: [Alarmed] But wouldn't that make one of US become Seth?!

Clint: Oh, I suspect Jerry has ideas about that...

Jerome: No, you can only become Seth by first being Phili. Being Seth is not a reward.

Charlie: Then, there would be a Seth Void, if you will?

Jerome: Oh, that wouldn't kill her. It'll just earn you her respect.

Clint: Well, I'm convinced. [Pauses.] What's the catch? Other than that if she sees us coming, that would be bad? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ has been glazed over for a while at the confusing interactions- on hearing the word 'stab' has returned to full, intense, consciousness] HAR!! If there are back doors to be smashed in! Evil to be walloped! Sneaky stealthings to be u dertaken to deadly places!! Dave is your man!!!!

Jerome: [To Clint] She would torture and kill you, damning your souls to hell for all eternity.

Alice: It needs to be a stealthy door smashing, though, right Dave? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR!! I will smash like the mouse!!

Charlie: [To Dave, scolding] You will NOT. [Soothingly] Now, not to worry. We shall need you to smash through many a door, and preferably quite noisily and with gusto. But for this mission, you must help us remain undetected. [Dramatically] The fate of the world depends on it!

Boddy: Sounds like a plan. [Sizes the party up] You guys are going to have to look a whole lot more virginal, for a start.

Dur: With these two [Referring to Austin and Alice]?! That'll never work! have to look a whole lot more virginal, for a start.

Charlie: Take heart! I have props! [Hands stacks of journals to Austin and Alice, with a giggle] These are hopelessly outdated materials and will clearly signal that the possessor is unlikely to make a promising mate!

Alice: [Holds up a journal titled "Journal of Computer Science and Stuff"] Oh man! Now I'll never get a mate!


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: [Grimaces at his stack of "Journal of Wallpaper Textures and Stuff"] Alas, my devastating beauty is so overwhelming that even this publication will not give me the appearance of virginity. Perhaps one of the homelier party members, such as Clint, Dave, Dur or Alice could take these?

Dave: [mumbling and shuffling stones with his feet] mumble mumble sneaking around mumble mumble no smashing mumble mumble mean comments about ones desirability.... mumble mumble big invincible vikings have feelings too.....

Boddy: That's the stuff -- now you sound like a virgin! [Hands Dave a pair of dorky glasses] Stick these on and wear this pocket protector.

Clint: Maybe we should just put the lawyer in, say, Dave's clothes? [Drily] It might hide his devastating beauty.

Austin: [Looks like he's going to be ill] It hardly seems worth the risk.

Clint: [Firmly.] Look, lawyer, I'm not going to get tortured by a vengeful god just because you're too prissy to put on a bearskin rug.

Alice: Come on, let's geek up, I can be really convincing.

[ALICE rummages through her bag and puts on a pair of bottle top glasses and a "Star Wars" t-shirt.]

Alice: I sure do like that boy wizard, Pean Luc Jicard! [Gives the party a big thumbs up]


;;; Rather conveniently, everyone was suspiciously easy access to whatever unconvincing geek
;;; disguise they want.
vengeful

Charlie: [Eagerly digs through her knapsack and produces a pink t-shirt with "Womyn's Herstory is Humyn Herstory!" written on it and a ratty pair of knock-off Birkenstocks] I shall wear these and discuss--angrily, at length, and with helpful illustrative pamphlets--alternative feminine hygiene solutions!

Austin: [Looks through his satchel and gets out a hand knitted Christmas rest jumper, with a pocket and pocket protector, bri-nylon stay press grey trousers and sensible shoes, in chestnut] I doubt if even these lurid rags will tarnish my phenomenal beauty, but it's worth a try I suppose [Sighs and puts them on}

Alice: [To Charlie and Austin] Hi there, fellow geeks! Let's play some Mimecraft and see how many Packed Men our Italian Electrician can have sex with! [To the others] That's how it works, right?

Charlie: [Shakes her head] No, that cannot be right! Game-playing would surely not be suggestive of a failure to succeed sexually. All of the [finger quotes] chippest youths know it is [finger quotes] cold to play games!

Alice: Oh please! Everyone knows that it's only the saddest of saddoes who play games! It's like that role playing game, Programmers and Paralegals, where losers pretend to have office jobs with so little work they spend the day drinking coffee and looking at porn. What are they called again.... oh, that's right, virgins!

Dur: Hey! [Joins the discussion with a giant red 'D' painted on the front of his shirt and a long flowing red cape] What's wrong with roleplaying games!? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ just looks completely lost- whinces with embarrassment at Alice's scorn for players of programmers and paralegals. Makes a mental note not to invite her to play later]

Clint: [Digs out some suspenders and some glasses with tape across the bridge.] Man, this brings back memories of high school! Finding kids who looked like this and beating the crap out of them for lunch money, I mean.

Alice: [Looks Dave up and down] Hm, this won't do. This won't do at all. [Whips out some make up and sets to work on Dave, filling up any non-bearded facial areas with zits and adding a bunch of pseudo political buttons/pins to his jacket] Excellent! I'm sure Charlie can help you with some tiresome book about social justice or saving the planetarium or some other yawnfest!

Clint: I suggest "Save the clock tower!"

Charlie: Yes, I have just the thing! [Hands Dave a book entitled Make Your Own Organic Gluten-Free/Casein-Free/Sugar-Free/Cruelty-Free Kosher Soap]

Alice: [Regards the sorry sight of Dave] Excellent! Why, he's so pathetic I suspect Dur will want to steal his lunch money! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I am not liking this experience. Not at all.

Alice: Just be glad the some mean girls haven't tricked you into hiding yourself naked in a cake because you thought that Bustin Jeebers is visiting the school! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I did hide naked in a snowdrift once covered in snow to scare Dave. How we laughed. I miss his cheeky laugh....

Alice: Er... okay! [To Boddy] Aren't you going to get geeked up?

Boddy: Nah, I'm so cool that all the P&P garb in the world can't geek me up. I'll play the role of brooding man in hood bringing virgin sacrifices to Seth. [Casts an eye over the party] Of mostly human virgins.

Charlie: Oh, how dreadfully exciting! It's a bit like going to a Shallowteen party, [frowns] though I do hope there will not be too many sugary sweets at THIS event.

Dangsten: It'll be a hoot. [Holds up a bunch of chains] You better put these on.

Austin: Woh, hold on there. [To the party] Don't put the chains on, it's a rest trap! [TO Dangsten] Do you really think you can foll us with such a cheap trick?

Dangsten: [Shrugs] Sure! [Gives a slightly scary grin] That's not what I'm doing though. If you're going to sneak in pretending to be virgin sacrifices, doesn't it make sense that you're prisoners?

Austin: It's the sacrifice bit I don't like. Whilst it makes sense in a rest big picture sort of way, we don't trust you and it's still a really obvious trap. Plus, Seth will also suspect that you are up to something. big picture sort of way, we don't trust you and it's still a really obvious trap. Plus, Seth will also suspect that you are up to something.

Charlie: [Nods at Austin's words] Indeed, we shall need a key to unlock ourselves, just in case! [Puts her hand out expectantly]

Dangsten: [Hands over a huge key that clearly doesn't fit] Here!

Alice: [To Austin] Surely you have your own set of chains that we could use?

Austin: [Coyly] They are solid silver, you may find them a little heavy rest [Gets out some fairly light looking polished silver chains, with leather lined handcuffs and studded choker collars] I think I have enough for everyone. [If you need talc or essential oils, just let me know] [Gets out some fairly light looking polished silver chains, with leather lined handcuffs and studded choker collars] I think I have enough for everyone. [If you need talc or essential oils, just let me know]

Charlie: [Takes some chains, handcuffs, and a choker and busily starts outfitting herself] Thank you, Mr. Sleaze! I applaud your foresight and preparation!

Alice: [Slipping on some bonds] Mm! Nice craftsmanship, Aus!

Boddy: Okay, so the plan is you're my prisoners, and I sneak you into Seth's lair. Once in there, stab her in the back as soon as you can. Who's got a knife they can conceal beneath their geekery? Sent from my iPhone

Dave:

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, I do! I have a hollowed out book that I use to hide smaller books!

[Various party members show off an array of small but deadly weapons. Everyone has one sharp item hidden on their person.]

Boddy: Right, let's go do this thing!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act III, Scene III. A Dead Garden. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, all looking geeky and wearing chains, accompanied by BODDY. It appears as though they have just stepped out of a huge, run down looking mansion with a huge garden, full of dead foliage and overgrown statues. The place reeks of decaying flesh.]

Alice: Ew! Hell is way worse than I remember!

Austin: The new Seth must be quite house proud. [Looks around in disgust] rest

Clint: Actually, seems a lot like any other place we've been recently!

Alice: In fairness, Aus, it only smells marginally worse than Clint! Pong On 12 October 2016 at 06:17,

wrote:

[There is a flash of light and a demon wearing a once-nice suit, DRAPE DONNER appears.]

Drape: Not that I have any problem against women, but you're going to have to come with me.


;;; We've had to change the logger address to:
;;;
;;;; l3@queens-view.com [That's a lowercase L]

Charlie: [To Drape] Oh, how fascinating! Could you tell me more about your views on women? [Modestly] I am a noted demonologist and would perhaps consider writing a paper on your demon subgroup.

Drape: That depends on the woman. If they're Seth, then I'm in favour of blind obedience to them. If they're not, I tend to follow a Trumpian style agenda of grab 'n grope.

Austin: Why do you want us to come with you? rest

Drape: To hand you over to Seth so she can torture you horribly for the next few years.

Austin: What's in it for you? rest

Drape: It means she won't torture me.

Charlie: Very well, I suppose we had better face our dreadful fate!

Drape: That's the spirit! [To Boddy] Nice going, bud. [Tosses him a small brown satchel] There's the other half.

Boddy: [Looks into the satchel and smiles] Thank you, Seth!

Dur: [Curious] What's in there?

Boddy: My reward -- Seth pays well for undamned souls in hell.

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes at Boddy] How nice for you.

Boddy: [Shrugs] Hey, what can I say? Hell is a terrible place, full of terrible people doing terrible things. I want to get out of here before I'm stuck here.

Drape: [To Boddy] You still up for Friday night's poker game?

Boddy: You betcha!

[DRAPE clicks his fingers and BODDY disappears.]

Drape: [Smiles] What a nice guy. Completely untrustworthy and would stab his own mother in the back for a leg up, but I like him.

Dur: Anyone else getting worried? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [utterly underwhelmed] HAR! The inevitable betrayal by the strange shifty man has occurred! Good! Let us abandon the cloak of obfuscation and misdirection and unleash righteous destruction all over the place!

Alice: I certainly am! Probably more at the fact that this guy is a friend of Boddy's than the fact that we're about to be brought to see Seth while wearing geek outfits!

Clint: Yeah! There's hellish and then there's just inhumane. At least let us face our torture like men and women, not like [with considerable distaste] geeks!

Drape: [Smiles] Oh no, my friends. This will just make the torture all the more fun for her!

Charlie: She personally tortures each person? [Disapprovingly] That seems like poor management of time. Hasn't she people who can do some of that for her?

Drape: She does, but uh... she's kind of a hands on manager.

Alice: Doesn't trust you to do the job, eh?

Drape: No! That's not it at all!

Austin: I had a boss just like that once, always hovering over your rest shoulder, double checking everything you do, sighing, humming and muttering. Really annoying!

Drape: Yeah, it can be, uh, actually, I mean no, I love it, I think it's --

[A fridge drops from the sky and squashes DRAPE.]
--

Charlie: [Winces, regarding Drape thoughtfully] Tough, but fair!

Austin: Excellent leadership, and very, very clear communication. rest [Casually to Dur] No, I have never worked for Charlie or anyone else. I was merely making small talk with the demon in order to glean more information about our impending engagement.

Clint: Haw! I kinda like this new Seth's style! Not that I'm anxious to let her get her hands on us, mind you.

Alice: That was kind of a mean trick of Boddy to play, wasn't it? If only there was some way of knowing that he'd tried to trick us. [To Dave] He always tries to trick us.


;;; I think I missed a Dur post? It looks like Aus responded to him, but I
;;; didn't see any Kevin post today

Clint: It's part of what he probably thinks is his roguish charm or something. Mostly it's just kind of annoying! Anyway, now that we've got Boddy's usual triple cross out of the way, let's go shank a god! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: so, now we can go and exercise mindless violence?

[The fridge door opens. Out steps PEED CAMPBELL, a scary looking demon with horrible teeth and the worst smelling breath ever encountered.]

Peed: [Cordially] Hi there! How are you today?

Peed Campbell

Charlie: [Gasps] Oh, hello! Very well, thank you! Are you a refrigerator-dwelling creature? [Frustratedly reaches for a notepad, failing due to the shackles] Do tell me all about your species!

Peed: [Leans in close to Charlie, revealing just how sickening the smell of his breath is] No! I was just travelling in it -- it's actually really efficient. We used it to punish Drape AND send me here to drag you back for torture! Isn't it great?

Alice: [Tears in her eyes from the smell] Oh my god! Why does your breath smell so much like pee?

Peed: Because I wash my teeth with urine to make them smell better.

Charlie: [Backing away and covering her mouth and nose, struggling not to get sick] Er, how resourceful of you! [Helpfully] Might I suggest you consider a strong solution of sodium hypochlorite instead?

Austin: [Holding a handkerchief over his mouth and nose, nods in agreement] rest Sent from my iPhone On 14 Oct 2016, at 11:14, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: [Backing away and covering her mouth and nose, struggling not to get sick] Er, how resourceful of you! [Helpfully] Might I suggest you consider a strong solution of sodium hypochlorite instead?

Austin: [Holding a handkerchief over his mouth and nose, nods in agreement] rest

Dave: HAR! You should try some of this super strong smoked and buried Herring!![ grin broadly and let Peed experience full on Herring breath]

Peed: [Shrugs] Can't smell anything. So, ready to be tortured? [Reassuringly] It'll only last a few years. [Thinks] Yeah, it'll be terrible.

Charlie: [Fans herself worriedly] Oh, dear! I do hope she will go easy on us poor, defenseless virgins!

Dur: [Frowning] Do they ever go easy on virgins?

Peed: Still sticking to the whole virgin thing, eh? You know, I kinda like it! Seth, of course, was listening in on your conversation back in the brawl room.

Dur: Eavesdropping on us eh? Isn't that kinda rude, even for an evil underworld demon-lord?

Peed: You know, normally I'd agree with you, as good manners cost nothing, but when you're trying to keep millions of damned souls under control, sometimes you've got break with politeness. Besides, what's actually ruder are all those who agreed to help you -- they were all in on the conspiracy. Except for Dicey, he actually thought it was going to work.

Clint: So are trying to tell us that Seth actually believed all that stuff back there about stabbing her in the back, that sort of thing? [Scoffs.] Don't be ridiculous. When you're surrounded by a gang prepared to beat the snot out of you, you tend to talk your way out any way you can, right? That doesn't mean you actually mean it!


;;; Stuckin a health and safety training session all day!
;;; It's like a scene from The Office, but at least I know how
;;; lift a 12" monitor without killing myself and others. On 14 October 2016 at 16:13, Tom Henderson

wrote:

Peed: Oh! [Thinks] Huh, I suppose that makes some kind of sense. So what do you want to meet her about? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: well I for one am a big fan of her work, and like to think I've done my bit help keep the underworld full!

Dur: I think the same can be said of the whole group! done my bit help keep the underworld full!

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Indeed, our handiwork is everywhere!

Alice: [Nods] We were going to her a song about how great we think she is!

[PEED makes a face.]

Peed: Actually, she hates singing and music, she --

Alice: [Quickly] But then we thought it might be better not to, and to maybe kick a puppy instead!

Peed: Ah! Okay, okay -- now, this puppy, is it adorable?

[The party form a huddle to discuss the matter -- PEED cannot hear them talk unless they specifically talk to him.]

Alice: What do we think? Would she prefer it be an adorable, toilet paper stealing kind of puppy? Or would something scary be better?

Dur: Well, she certainly doesn't seem like the compassionate type so maybe the cuter the better? But then again, who could hate such a cute puppy?! She'd have to be a real monster! hear them talk unless they specifically talk to him.] paper stealing kind of puppy? Or would something scary be better? maybe the cuter the better? But then again, who could hate such a cute puppy?! She'd have to be a real monster!

Charlie: Yes, one of those horrid fluffy dogs that look like a child's toy. Those would kick quite satisfyingly, one would think. [Quickly] Not that I would enjoy doing such a thing to a yappy little slobber-monster! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: are we actually going to kick a little harmless puppy dog? I am not comfortable with that

Alice: We're going to tell him that we're going to kick one, and I think Dur and Charlie are right, the more adorable the better. [Sighs] I remember when I had my pet, Princess Precious Purse Pooch, she was adorable. I took her everywhere in my little purse, on carriages, in the pool, basically anywhere that people wanted peace and quiet, oh, and how everyone laughed when they stood on her poop. Everyone loved her, she was the most adorable puppy who ever lived.

Austin: If we don't kick it too hard we could make her a beautiful pair of rest shoe out of it afterwards.

[The party break their huddle.]

Alice: [To Peed] It's going to be so adorable and cutesy that Austin will make a pair of shoes out of it.

[PEED looks unimpressed.]

Alice: [Points to him] That's Austin.

[PEED remains unimpressed.]

Alice: He's normally ever so stylish and likes to wear things like Panda skin gloves.

Peed: [Face lights up] Wow! I'm impressed! You sound super evil!

Austin: Oh, yes, we will use a rare breed of cute puppy, of course, an rest endangered breed if we can find one that I have not already made extinct.

Clint: [Rubbing his hands gleefully.] Eeeexcellent. I nominate my door-kicking foot for the honors!


;;; It seems to me like Charlie has exactly the same attitude as I do toward little yippy dogs, which I regard as pretty much the ultimate expression of something dark in the soul of humanity.
;;; After all, 30000 years ago, that pekinese was the mighty timber wolf. And that's just a tragedy!
endangered breed if we can find one that I have not already made extinct. door-kicking foot for the honors!

Charlie: Wonderful! [Pats Dave's arm sympathetically] Do not worry! We know your tender heart masks a more evil heart that desires only death and destruction for all your enemies. toward little yippy dogs, which I regard as pretty much the ultimate expression of something dark in the soul of humanity. wolf. And that's just a tragedy!


;;; Hahaha! You guys are cracking me up this morning, with this
;;; and Austin's "if I can find one I haven't already made extinct"!

Alice: [Reassuringly] We're just sure you're an awful person! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Ahhh! [taps side of nose knowingly at companions- gives a big theatrical wink and a massive thumbs up to indicate that he is 'down' with the subterfuge] yes Demonic buddy! We are all very Evil! [giggles] and want to do very bad things! [winks and grins at group]

Peed: [Gives Dave a curious look] That's a lot of girlish excitement for torture isn't it?

Alice: Oh, that's just how he is. You should see the little dance he did the time he did something awful to those pigeons!

Peed: [Claps Dave on the back] Ha! You're my kinda sicko! Evil, twisted and not afraid to show enthusiasm. You know, there's just too much negativity in hell!

Charlie: Splendid! Nothing energizes a team more effectively than a bit of shared dreadfulness! [To Peed] Now, let us go and delight your boss.

Peed: Step into my fridge! bit of

Charlie: [Attempts to enter the fridge] Er, what a delightfully cozy way to travel!

Clint: And such a delightfully creepy thing to say, too, "step into my fridge."


;;; Sorry. Pretty zonked today. Some jackass called my phone at like 6:30 a.m. and again at 7:30,
;;; which would be less of a problem if I didn't keep it on the nightstand to be a alarm.

Peed: Step into my fridge, little boy.


;;; I'm just surprised Tom has an alarm!!

Austin: I'll take the next fridge. rest

[PEED laughs. And laughs. And then laughs some more. Then he laughs again.]

Alice: Er.. nice one, Aus?

Peed: [Stops laughing] Seriously. Step into the fridge.

Austin: [Tries to get into the fridge without touching Stinky] I hope this rest is going to be one very very cute puppy.

Peed: It won't be for very much longer!

Alice: [Climbs in, squashing Austin] At least he didn't find that funny.


;;; Out for the rest of the day

Charlie: [Fidgets in an attempt to find a more comfortable spot] None of us shall find this funny once Mr. Scar takes his place in this perilously confined space!

Clint: [Squeezes himself into the fridge, bringing his own unique brand of stench with him.] It's almost like you guys are trying to tell me something!

Austin: [Spraying Clint with aftershave] Yes, you stink! rest


;;; out all day Friday

Peed: [Sniffs Clint] Wow! You smell like an air freshener!

Charlie: [Gasping for breath, to Peed] Do let us move this contraption along briskly before we all suffocate!

[Book X, Act III, Scene IV. The Fridge. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and PEED are here, crammed into the fridge.]

Peed: [Fixing a tray of disgusting looking snacks] Oh? Don't you want to try the in-fridge treats? along

Charlie: [Looks at the snacks without enthusiasm] Er, we prefer to be hungry to inflict maximum pain on innocent puppies!

Peed: But I haven't even gotten to do my safety instruction routine!


;;; Dom is out

Austin: [With surprising ferocity] Let's just get moving! This smell is too disgusting!

Peed: Yeesh. There's no need to be mean about it! We're already here.

Dur: [Stuffing his face on the snacks] Awww. Already?

Clint: [Sullenly.] Can't be over with soon enough. It's a little close in here. [Tries to fight his way out of the fridge.]

Alice: Yeesh! If it's so stinky that Stinky is complaining about the stinkiness, then it must be VERY stinky!

[CLINT bursts out through the door, followed in quick succession by the rest of the party, who pile onto the floor of what appears to be the most horrific looking torture chamber they've ever seen.]

Austin: [Acting as if this is all a stage set. Donning some latex gloves] rest Excellent, the equipment is tested and ready for us. [Looks a little green] gloves] Excellent, the equipment is tested and ready for us. [Looks a little green]

Charlie: [Flinches at the sight of the torture chamber] Er, indeed, Mr. Sleaze, it all looks splendid! Just what one needs for torturing those horrid puppies!

[A door swings open. Enter JUSILLA, who stares at the party.]

Jusilla: I have waited a long time for this.

Dur: [Fearfully] I hope she means torturing puppies...

Charlie: [To Jusilla] Indeed, what a jolly reunion for us all. Would you care to see some of our canine torture methods?

Jusilla: No. Peed, you better leave -- you would find all this too upsetting.

Peed: [Pales a little] Oh, okay. Can I come back to watch them torture some puppies?

[JUSILLA glares at him and he runs off.]

Alice: [To the party] I think that maybe we're the puppies.

Dur: But we're not cute enough to be puppies!

Austin: Thankfully. I would not want to torture you, I have better things rest to do with my time.

Alice: Hey! I'm WAY cuter than a puppy!

Jusilla: Fine. I can torture you first.

Alice: Damn my adorableness! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (to Clint who is this Jusilla person? I don't think we have met... to jusilla, adopting a rakish man about Hell pose) Hellooooo wicked looking demonic lady! How YOU doin'????

Clint: [To Dave.] Oh, she's one of the many people we've ticked off over the years. They tend to hold a grudge, for some reason, rather than falling for our own special roguish charm and forgiving us.

Jusilla: [To Dave] I'm Seth. I'll be torturing you for eternity. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ah! Nice to meet you then. I am Dave- er I don't suppose you have the other Dave here by any chance? It would be awesome to catch up.....

Dur: So...um... We don't get to escape an eternity of torture being that it was us who rescued you from Phili?

Jusilla: No, you get an eternity of torture because you helped Wilhelmina stop me being Phili!

Alice: [To Dur] Remember, Jusilla was Phili, we actually rescued Spruce from her!

Charlie: [To Jusilla] Well, we did not MEAN to help her! Actually, we think her quite naughty!

Jusilla: That doesn't really make me feel any better. What will make me feel better is torturing you forever in here, the remotest part of hell, shielded from everything and everyone, where no one but yourselves can hear your screams.

Alice: [To the party] I'm starting to think that there's no puppy! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (really confused and stressed by all the complex back story and gloating will try to knock Jusilla unconscious. He hasn't hit anything for ages....)

Austin: Will that really make you feel better? Spending eternity with a rest bunch of people you hate for something you know they did not do? [Shrugs] I can think of better things to do with eternity.


;;;; how close are we to Juice?
[DAVE charges at JUSILLA, who waves her hand and sends him flying across the room, smashing off a wall.]

Jusilla: [To Austin] I'm sure you can, but most of those probably involve you not being trapped in eternity with someone you trapped hell for eternity.

[There's a timid KNOCK on the door.]

Jusilla: What the hell is it?

[PEED sticks his head in.]

Peed: Sorry to interrupt the torture and all, but there's something you need to see!

[Another wave of her hand and the party find themselves thrown into a tiny cell at the end of the room, which is barely big enough to fit two people.]

Jusilla: [To the party] Don't go anywhere.

Dur: I wonder what could be important enough to keep her from torturing us. Hopefully we don't end up taking Spruce's place! across the room, smashing off a wall.] involve you not being trapped in eternity with someone you trapped hell for eternity. need to see! a tiny cell at the end of the room, which is barely big enough to fit two people.] us. Hopefully we don't end up taking Spruce's place!

Charlie: [Squished] Oh, dear! This isn't going well at all. [In a low voice] If we ever have another chance, we must all attack at once!

Alice: Attack each other? That's a crazy idea, Charlie! But, okay! [Tries to punch Dave in the arm but, because of the tight confines only succeeds in punching herself in the face] Ow! [Glares at Dave] Well played, my viking friend, well played.

Dur: With the ease she tossed us all in this cell, I don't have high hopes for an all-out assault.

Austin: Yes, we need to get her sneakily while she is off guard. She said rest this room is shielded from everything so she may only be able to communicate via Peed and that door [Tries to pick the lock on the cage] Sent from my iPhone On 25 Oct 2016, at 15:50, dom >

wrote:

Dur: With the ease she tossed us all in this cell, I don't have high hopes for an all-out assault.

Austin: Yes, we need to get her sneakily while she is off guard. She said this room is shielded from everything so she may only be able to communicate via Peed and that door [Tries to pick the lock on the cage] rest

Dave: Dave SMASH!!! (A bit miffed at having been tossed off so offhandedly, will have a jolly good go at ripping out or bending the bars...)

Clint: If we can get out of this cell, maybe we can ambush her as soon as she steps into the room? [Lends his efforts to forcing the cage open.]

[AUSTIN tuts in annoyance at all the pushing and shoving as he tries to pick the lock, but, just as he gets it open, the cage smashes open in every direction, sending the party scrambling to the floor.]

Alice: Hey! That was NOT because I -- uh, because someone farted!

Clint: And they call *me* Stinky!

Dur: Should we hide and try to ambush her from different directions?

Alice: [To Clint] They do, Clint, they do. And with good reason. [To Dur] Yes! Will we be able to find weapons in a torture chamber, though?

Dur: I dunno. What could we use? [Looks for something clubbish with spikes]

Clint: If nothing else, there's bound to be a collecting of scary looking knives and saws and whatnot! [Looks around for something in the stabby line of torture implements.]

Austin: We could block the door so that she can't get in. If this room is rest well shielded, perhaps even she will not be able to get in? is well shielded, perhaps even she will not be able to get in?

Charlie: [Hurriedly looking for something in the portably stabby category of torture implements] If we alert her to the ambush by blocking the door, we've lost the element of surprise, though! [Frowns] Unless she's already watching and listening to us, as she did before!

[Everyone loads up with a bunch of scary looking stabby clubs.]

Alice: Maybe, but she did say this room was shielded, and whatever it was Peed wanted to tell her, she didn't know already.

Austin: So which is it? Lock, block or jam the door, or surprise? [Gets rest into position beside the door for a surprise attack] into position beside the door for a surprise attack]

Charlie: Surprise attack, I'd say! We do not want to alert her to our intentions and give her a chance to prepare. [Takes position with Austin behind the door and gestures to the others to join]

Alice: [Wielding a crazy looking thorny probe] Should we yell "surprise" when she comes in?

Charlie: Best to let the weapons do the talking, I think!

Alice: Wow! They can talk? That's really cool! [Looks at her weapon] Hi there, Mister Weapon!

Weapon: Fuck you, bimbo! You people are idiots if you think this is going to work!

Alice: Yeesh! Pretty rude!

Austin: Think you're so clever! Okay, what will work then, smart ass? rest

Weapon: Nothing! She'll torture you for as long as it entertains you, and then, when she's sick of you, will turn you into a weapon and use you to torture someone else!

Dur: Don't listen to it! It probably just likes torturing people too! and then, when she's sick of you, will turn you into a weapon and use you to torture someone else!

Charlie: [To Weapon] Oh, do be quiet, you miserable thing! We rarely take advice from inanimate objects.

Austin: [To Weapon] So who were you before she changed you? rest On 26 October 2016 at 16:21, dom

wrote:

Weapon: We hate torture as much as anyone -- we feel every bit of pain that she inflicts with us! [To Austin] I was a real estate agent who sold massively overpriced poorly constructed buildings to people who couldn't really afford them. One of them was Seth's grandmother.

Clint: Sounds like a perfectly respectable business arrangement to me!

Weapon: I know, right? That's what I thought too. However, throw in some racism and the occasional vagina grab, and I somehow find myself in hell.

Alice: Ew! You grabbed someone's vagina?

Weapon: How was I to know she was Phili's grandmother?

Charlie: [Wrinkling her nose at Weapon] Oh, I do wish we had a higher class of weapons! [To her weapon] I suppose you have done something tastelessly horrid, as well?!

Weapon2: Certainly not! One minute I'm on an airplane minding my own business -- I had just had a good sleep by encroaching on the seat beside and sleeping and drooling on the guy there, when I started clipping my toenails while watching a movie on my phone without any headphones, and the next thing I know, I'm in hell!

Clint: [Nods.] Yeah, you deserve it. Sorry.

Weapon2: [Sigh] I get that a lot.

Clint: [Nods.] Yeah, you deserve it. Sorry.

Austin: [To his dagger] And who or what were you? rest

Dagger: A tailor.

Alice: What? Like a tailor who made suits out of human flesh? Ew!

Dagger: No, I usually used cotton. Sometimes silk.

Charlie: [To Dagger] Why, that sounds positively normal! I hardly see why you deserve Hell!

Dagger: That's what I said! They told me to go to the complaints department.

Austin: I still think we should block the door. rest

Dur: If we block the door, she will know we are out of our cell! And why block our only escape route?  

Alice: It doesn't seem like a long term strategy!

Austin: It isn't long term, but it might be long enough. What's the rest alternative. Tortured in hell for eternity?

Alice: Go on then, lock it!

[There's a suspiciously flimsy looking bolt on the door.]

Clint: [Eyes the bolt suspiciously.] Do we really think we're going to stop a god by bolting a door? That seems too easy somehow. Usually we just get someone even more powerful to do our dirty work for us!

Alice: We almost certainly won't stop her by NOT bolting the door!

Charlie: But we MAY stop her if we all attack her by surprise! [To the others, uncertainly] Mightn't we?

Austin: Well, we do have magic weapons. rest Sent from my iPhone On 28 Oct 2016, at 16:17, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: But we MAY stop her if we all attack her by surprise! [To the others, uncertainly] Mightn't we?

Austin: Well, we do have magic weapons. rest

Dave: (has kind of lost track and is practising his axe swing quietly in the background) in the hips.... swing travel up through pelvis... through arm... and.... die!.... good.

Alice: But... will locking the door do anything other than annoy her slightly?

[Everyone's attention is drawn to the sound of BODDY's voice on the opposite side of the room. He is sitting on a table looking even more annoyingly nonchalant than normal.]

Boddy: Actually, you're probably better off getting back into the cage. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (rolls eyes at Boddy's reappearance)- will snatch and throw something,hopefully lethal, aimed at the arch annoyance's pineal gland.

Clint: I think what our unthinkingly violent colleague here is trying to say is that that's not helpful, Boddy. Do you have any actually useful advice for us?

[DAVE throws his red hot pincers at BODDY.]

Pincers: Nooooooooo!

[The pincers pass right through BODDY.]

Boddy: Wow. That was intense. [Smokes a cheeseratte] I like this guy. something,hopefully lethal, aimed at the arch annoyance's pineal gland.

Charlie: [Amazed, to Boddy] How did you DO that?

Austin: I guess he is not really here? Could you show us how to do that, rest quickly? [Nervously looks at the door] Sent from my iPhone On 1 Nov 2016, at 10:42, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: [Amazed, to Boddy] How did you DO that?

Austin: I guess he is not really here? Could you show us how to do that, quickly? [Nervously looks at the door] rest

Dave: (face palming....) this IS hell.......

Boddy: Yes, yes it is. [To Austin] Correctomundo! Now, the way to do it is to collect a set of Jewels Of Offsprey, which will let you project your image from the safety of your own home right into hell. [Reaches to one side and pulls a delicious looking muffin from apparent thin air]

Dur: I am guessing that is not as easy as you make it sound...

Austin: Well it won't get us out of Hell in any useful way. rest

Austin: [To Boddy] So how do we get out of here? rest

Boddy: By sticking to the plan, overthrowing Seth and leading a revolt from hell itself. [Takes a bite of the muffin] Mm!

Charlie: How [pauses for comic effect] revolting! [laughs giddily at her sparkling wit]

Clint: [Warningly.] Sarge, normally I wouldn't hit a girl or anything, but keep that sort of language up and I might have to reconsider!

Alice: I don't think you get it, Clint -- she said revolting like she meant is disgusting, you know, like you or Dur, but she said it in response to Boddy saying that we need to have the people in hell be revolting! It's really clever! [Thinks for a moment] Although... most of them are revolting... hey! That's not clever at all! but

Charlie: [To Alice, dismissively] Oh, do be serious! It was terribly clever. [Claps her hands] Now, everyone--prepare to take over Hell itself!

Clint: Or, failing that, to hit Seth over the head with her evil torture weapons. [Tries to hide behind the door.]

Boddy: Sure. That'll work.

Charlie: Splendid! I do like your enthusiasm! [To the party] Take your positions, group!

Austin: Your opinion is of little relevance, since if way you that got us rest into this mess in the first place!

Dur: Now, now, no need to get snippy with one another! [Looking around for a hiding place close to the door]

Body: into this mess? Or facilitated a daring revolt against the rigged heaven and hell industrial complex? Make Realms Great Again! for a hiding place close to the door] heaven and hell industrial complex? Make Realms Great Again!

Charlie: [Looks at Boddy and shivers] Your rhetoric is highly alarming and your manner off-putting! Do leave us at once so that we may set about making an elaborate and time-consuming plan for incremental change!

Boddy: Okay, but you should be aware that the only place in hell that Seth can't see into is this room. Perhaps we should make a plan on how to overthrow her?

Clint: [Wearily.] And in what way should this plan be different from our last plan to overthrow her?

Boddy: It's the same plan, it's just that now you're in a safe place to talk. talk.

Charlie: Marvelous, I do enjoy planning! [Pulls out an unfeasibly enormous white board and starts scribbling madly] Right, we want to draw her into the room, but then trap her here immediately. Perhaps some of us should stay in the closed but unlocked cage, and some of us could stay by the door to attack after she enters the room?

Boddy: She'll be very difficult to force into the cage -- what you need is to figure out how to get her to want to get into the cage.

Austin: So, what are you suggesting we do? Getting into the cage doe not rest make any sense, it's very difficult to stab some one outside a cage when you are inside a cage.

Boddy: True, that's why you need to convince her to get into the cage/

Charlie: [Ponders] Well, what does she like? Horrible torture weapons? Hm, we'll need those, though. . . .

Alice: She seems to have everything she wants already though, in terms of awful torture items and such. Given that she's such a meanie, maybe we should have or be doing something in there that's she's jealous of? That would make her go in there, wouldn't it?

Austin: We could suggest that she would get more satisfaction from, for rest example, torturing Dur, if she was inside the cage with him, close up and personal?

Alice: Or better yet, maybe if she saw US inside there torturing Dur, she might insist on going in there to take over. We could sneak out the back and lock it behind us!

Dur: Couldn’t we use a more inanimate object? Like one of Austin’s expensively tailored suits?

Alice: I like a number of them, actually, but most of all the pink satin one.

Clint: I don't suppose we can think of a way to make her just think we're in the cage? Some sort of "you'll have to go into the cage to get us so you can torture Dur, but whoops, just kidding, we're not actually in there" kind of thing. one. in the cage? Some sort of "you'll have to go into the cage to get us so you can torture Dur, but whoops, just kidding, we're not actually in there" kind of thing.

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, oh! Perhaps we could put only our shoes in the cage?! She might be tricked into thinking we disappeared [dramatically] into thin air and rush in to investigate!

Boddy: That would be great, if she was an idiot.

[A moment of silence passes.]

Alice: Is she an idiot?

Boddy: No.

Alice: So what could be going on in hell that she would be so determined to stop that she'd rush in?

Clint: People having fun?

Alice: That's a great idea! I mean, no one here seems to be having any fun!

Austin: Some 'Manic Panic" hair dye? I have heard it's very hard to get? rest Jelly babies? She may have a weakness for those? Perhaps something deeply personal to her, that she would want to retrieve, a photo of Spruce or similar?


;;;sorry, busy busy - wont be back until tomorrow pm, and off next week!

Alice: Or, you know, people having fun!

Charlie: If it's fun you desire, then look no further! [Dramatically begins miming the charades signal for "book"]

Alice: [Copies the signal] Hm, this isn't really all that much fun at all!

Austin: I agree, this is no time for imposing your weird personal habits rest on others. We could jam the cage door so that it does not close properly and requires her to go into the cage to fix it?

Alice: Surely Seth has someone to do that sort of thing for her? Anyway, what about the idea that we're pretending we're having such a good time that she storms in and we trap her in the cage? I mean, come on, Aus, it's first good idea Clint has ever had in his life, we have to at least try it!

Clint: Yeah! What she said! [Does a double take.] Hey!

Austin: Yes, indeed. Let us not be too hasty! Whilst it is probably the rest first idea Mr Scar has ever had, let's not go to far by branding it as 'good'.

Alice: Fair enough... it does probably have a high chance of killing all of us, so, you know, it's still better than most of his ideas!

Charlie: Indeed, a stopped clock is right twice a day! [Back to the white board] So then, we shall pretend to be enjoying ourselves in the cage, trusting she will burst in to break it up--only to be greeted by [mimes furious stabbing motions]?

Alice: Rather conveniently, there are two doors to it, so we can race out as she's coming in! Can we open the lock?

[The lock is massive, and is the most fearsome, complicated lock anyone has ever seen.]

Alice: That'll be easy, right Aus?

Clint: I'm sure the lawyer will have no problem at all. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and all that!

Alice: Yay! Off you go, Aus!

Charlie: Or perhaps we could break the lock? [To Clint] How's your kicking foot feeling, Mr. Scar?

Clint: [Flexes said foot.] Haw! Guess we'll find out! [Checks the lock and gives the door a boot.]

[CLINT lands a fine kick on the lock.]

Lock: Ow! Hey!

Alice: Wow! Do you really feel pain?

Lock: No, but it's still annoying. I only feel pain when Seth tortures people.

Dur: Torture via Torture!? This woman is clearly mad!

Lock: Mad and hates me and the weapons so much that she wants us to feel constant pain. The only time we don't feel pain is if she does!

Charlie: Well, then, we have some wonderful news for you! If you will help us by unlocking yourself, we plan to inflict quite a lot of pain on her! Sent from my iPhone Dave:Har! yes indeed- all of you weapons and transformed devices can earn respite from the misery of your servitude by aiding us in our most excellent endeavour! To turn the tables upon your tormentress!


;;; Dom is out this week

Austin: Indeed, especially considering what a fiendishly complex mechanism you are!

Lock: You expect me to cooperate in the torture of the woman who's been torturing me virtually non-stop for years? [Click! Opens himself] I'm in!

Charlie: [Beams] Splendid! Now, we just need you to help us lure her in, allowing us to murder her horribly, and then let us out.

Lock: If you guys get in and start enjoying yourselves, she'll come back.

Charlie: [Eagerly hops in the cage] Come along, group! My excellent Charades clues will not solve themselves!

Alice: [Gets in, grumbling] Well, we certainly won't solve them!

[Everybody else gets into the cage, slamming the door behind them.]

Lock: [Locking himself] Are we having fun yet?


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act III, Scene V. The Cage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and DAVE are here, crammed into the cage. Watching is BODDY.]

Boddy: Well, I'm certainly enjoying this!

Dur: Well at least someone is. Perhaps we ought to start making our own fun?

Alice: Good idea! How about we start saying mean things about the way people are dressed? That's always good for a laugh!

Dur: Oh, you mean like your highly unflattering granny panties? [Guffaws loudly] You're right! That's hilarious!

Clint: Haw! Well, I think to have fun we should just find the smallest weakest person and pick on them until they cry! At least, that's what we did in school. Who's up for a game of dodgeball?

Alice: [Dismayed at Dur's words] Hey! It's laundry day! That's the only reason I'm wearing them!

Austin: [Guffaws at Dur] They are the most horrific grey colour!

Charlie: [Clad in an all-grey suit] Their really very practical color aside, they are quite comical in shape and size! [Chortles merrily]

Boddy: They look like they were made from a parachute that was stolen from a museum and buried underground for year!

Alice: [To Dave] They're exaggerating! My underpants aren't all that grey, big and horrific at all! I mean, sure, sometimes the elastic gets a bit loo-

[As if on queue, ALICE's unfeasibly large and horribly coloured pair of underpants fall down, eliciting much laughter from the party.]

Clint: You know, one of these days we're going to need to get you a new pair of knickers! Or at least some new elastic! [Glances down at his moth-eaten clothing, secure in the knowledge that it isn't the worst thing the party is -- or was! -- wearing.]

[JUSILLA bursts into the room.]

Jusilla: What is going on here?

Charlie: [Giggling and jovially slapping Dur on the back] Oh, we are just having the BEST time! [Points to Alice] Do look at her unfortunate undergarments! Are they not simply the most amusing?!

Jusilla: No! As a matter of fact, they're standard issue in hell! Stop enjoying yourselves this instant!

Clint: Look, lady, when we stop you're gonna start torturing us, and none of us want that. So we're gonna keep playing Charlie's awful charades about nerdbooks and making fun of Alice's underwear and so on, and you can't stop us!

Jusilla: [Pulls open the door] You're going to stop right now!

Clint: Nuh-uh!


;;; I have nooooo idea how to spell that. It's a guess. Ignore me.

Jusilla: Really? [Stabs Clint]

[Both CLINT and her DAGGER scream in pain.]

Charlie: [Whips out a dagger and stabs Jusilla furiously] Hurry, group!

Jusilla: [As Charlie's dagger connects but doesn't hurt] Idiot! You can't hurt me!

[The door behind JUSILLA slams and locks, so now everyone is in the cage.]

Austin: [To the lock on the back door] Quickly! Open up! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ stirring from an introspective torpor- will spring into vigorous and joyful physical action- shouting lustily and seeking to use his mighty bulk and physicality to obstruct J's escape whilst assisting his pals]

Lock: Oh no! I'm stuck!

Austin: [Bangs the door] We're all gonna die!

Lock: Only joking! [Opens up, letting the party slip out.]

[JUSILLA stabs DAVE, who cries out in pain and staggers back.]

Alice: Come on, Dave! Follow us!

Charlie: [Tries to grab Dave] Here, come with us!

[CHARLIE and DUR grab DAVE and haul him out, with ALICE slamming the door shut and the lock clicking in place, trapping JUSILLA in the cage.]

Jusilla: Let me out!

Dur: No way! You didn't even say the magic word...


;;; Sorry I have been so quiet lately, work around here is piling up and I am always trying to dig myself out at the moment.

Jusilla: Is the magic word "I'll rip your testicles off and force you to eat them?"

Dur: [Cringes] Yeesh, no! No it is not.

Jusilla: You bastards! I'm going to make you suffer like no one has ever suffered before! [Throws herself at the bars of the cage, but bounces back]

Alice: [Tuts disapprovingly] A torture chamber is hardly the place for such aggression.

Charlie: How splendidly our plan worked! Now, must we [discreetly makes stabbing motions]? Perhaps simply keeping her trapped is sufficient?

Dur: I doubt that is going to be enough. If she lives she will always be Seth. Perhaps we should all do it together? Maybe we can divide the power between all of us as a system of checks and balances to one another….

Alice: I know I can be trusted, but can the rest of you? I mean, just look at you all!

Jusilla: You idiots! You cannot kill Seth!

Dur: Lets test that out, shall we? [Dur grabs something stabby and takes a position outside of the cage] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Hur. She is not very nice. Unpleasant and stabby.

Clint: Besides, she deserves it! [Tries to find a way to stab Seth without hurting the poor innocent torture implements.] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Ugh... so we all need to stab this person simultaneously? Like on the count of 3?

[Everyone stabs in a crazy frenzy, only for JUSILLA, who is completely unhurt, to grab ALICE's dagger.]

Alice: Uh oh! That can't be good!

Dagger: You better get out of here!

Charlie: You heard the implement of torture, group! Let's make a hasty retreat!

Dur: So, new plan then?

Austin: Indeed -- perhaps the first step should be to not give the most powerful being in hell any more weapons!

Alice: Hey! I didn't give it to her, she took it off me! I mean, if you think about it, she basically stole it, which is quite rude. I was only trying to stab her!

Dur: Indeed. You would think that hell would have more respect to the time honored tradition of stabbing a caged woman... So how DO we kill her?

Jusilla: You don't. You can't. You might as well give up now and let me free. I promise I won't hurt you. Honest! Why, I bet we'll be friends after all this! time honored tradition of stabbing a caged woman... So how DO we kill her?

Charlie: Let's just leave her trapped for all eternity. Seems the safest option!

Jusilla: [Rattles the cage] You can't leave me here! Please don't leave me here! What the hell sort of people are you?

Dur: [Panicking] It’s hardly safe at all! What if she convinces the lock to let her out? What if one of her minions comes in here and lets her out? What if one of our enemies trapped in hell finds her and kills her and becomes the NEW Seth? What did we even come down here for?!

Boddy: [Who has appeared unnoticed by anyone, drinking from a large coffee] Calm down. The only way someone can become the new Seth is by killing Phili -- no one will want to kill her. Remember, Percy suggested you come down here to bring back a bunch of ex-Seths to occupy Phili. See? Nothing at all to worry about.

Alice: What if one of her minions comes in here and lets her out?

Boddy: [Takes a drink of his coffee and swishes it around, thinking for a few moments] See? Nothing at all to worry about!

Clint: [To Juice.] See? That's the kind of people we are! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: har! This is a conundrum! We have the nasty stabbey Seth in the cage- but can we really expect her to stay there? Do we have any idea how to end her power? What where we trying to do anyway? All this running around and I'm a bit confused...

Alice: We're here to met the older Seths -- the ones who got dislodged because she became Seth. I don't think any of them will want to free her! cage- but can we really expect her to stay there? Do we have any idea how to end her power? What where we trying to do anyway? All this running around and I'm a bit confused...

Charlie: [Pleased] Excellent! Let us now rejoin the former Seths, now that we have achieved our goal of imprisoning--not killing!--the current one.

Austin: The detail is in the devils. [Chuckles at his own joke] rest

Jusilla: [Lunges at Austin through the bars, but is miles away] There's no joking in hell! No joking!

Alice: Where are the other Seths?

Jusilla: I'm not telling you! I'll never tell you! You'll never figure it out!

Boddy: They're in a cell downstairs.

Austin: And we have met several of them before. [To Jusilla] Why dont you rest make Hell a nice fun place? You would enjoy it much more!

Jusilla: Okay, okay, I'll make it a real fun place if you let me go. Whatever you want, I can give you!

Austin: As if! I think you have had ample opportunity before now and have rest clearly failed to make Hell a fun place, so it's time for someone else to have a go.

Jusilla: Hell isn't supposed to be fun! I was just doing my job -- and now I'm a bad person because of it?

Alice: Uh, well, you are the devil, aren't you? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! Let us cock snoots at this defeated sorceress and liberate these former Seths! Come friends !

Clint: Before we do, let's take a minute and figure out which ones really, really hate us. There's bound to be a few!

Alice: But do they? Aren't we in a different dimension to the one where we sent a bunch of them here? Maybe they think we're all just neat!

Charlie: How thrilling, a chance for a new beginning! I know--I shall give them all signed copies of my latest monograph! [To the others] How will you win them over?!

Alice: I'll just be my normal adorable self, everyone loves me! If that doesn't work, I'll let them feast their eyes on this. [Turns around and points at her ass] I mean, it is ass-tonishing!

Austin: [Nods in agreement] It is a fine ass-et. rest

Alice: Hopefully it'll make up for the rest of the lame-os.

Dur: And if it doesn't, I could offer my finely honed medical treatment free of charge! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: can I ass-ume that we have butt-er things to get on with ? We have an ass- ignation with destiny eh? Har! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! You could get to the butt-om of the problem yes? Har!

Alice: Hey! I can hardly think of anything better to occupy people's time than the fineness of my ass! You know, it did once appear in "Ass Fancier's Weekly"! Anyway, what will you do to make the bitter ex-devils who been imprisoned and tortured happy to see us?


;;; This is true! She made that claim in way back in 2013, although two years later there was a suggestion that Deuce was involved in
;;; some sort of scandal surrounding that very same publication!

Austin: [Looking at Alice's ass] Hmm, yes. [Snaps out of it] What? Well rest you could moon them.

Alice: But then they might just be further enraged knowing that they've been denied access to this sort of fineness for so long!

Austin: [Studies Alice's a bit more] Naah, they'll be fine. rest

Alice: Yay! Thanks Aus! Right, let's go and... [realisation dawns] Hey!

Austin: [Quickly] I mean that they will be so very happy that they will rest forget that they have been deprived for so long.

Charlie: [Perplexed] How can you expect the promise of a glimpse of your posterior will endear us to the former Seths?! It's not as if it's a groundbreaking work on the classification of minor demons that none other than the esteemed Professor Farnsworth J. Pickering-Gladstone called "Relevant!"

Alice: [Gives Austin a sceptical look for a moment, before breaking into a big smile] Ah! I see what you mean! Good point. [To Charlie] And I guarantee you that Professor Gladsworth Farnering-Stonepicker would find this a lot more than adequate.

Jusilla: How much longer are you people going stay here talking about her fat arse? This is worse than any torture I ever inflicted on anyone! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: if Alice's well rounded "personality" does not engage these former Seth's- may I try the threat of mindless violence? It is the last recourse for the simple reason that it is oft expedious!

Clint: Well, *my* plan is to give each of the Seth's an excuse to not have to read Chuck's book. No offense, Sarge.

Alice: [Folds her arms huffily] I much rather look at a nice ass than not read a boring old book, any day! [To Jusilla] You're a devil, what would you prefer?

Jusilla: [Looking bored and suicidal] Whichever gets you lot out of here the fastest!

Clint: Not reading a boring old book it is! Ha!

Alice: Fine! I won't read the book!

Clint: And doesn't knowing that you don't have to read Charlie's book make you happy? My gift is totally the best!


;;; And that's my rather insensitive 3, I fancy.

Alice: Yeah? Well, my ass has made a LOT of people happy! [Thinks] Er.. well, that is... shut up, Clint!

Charlie: [To Clint, icily] Indeed! You would not know good scholarship if it stood in front of you, imperiously mocking your lack of zeal for learning! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ah, back home we had a special club for zeals! Oh, no, seals. We had special clubs for seals. had special clubs for seals.

Charlie: [Giggling, to Dave] Oh, how amusing! Your delightful humor will surely endear the deposed Seths to the party! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (confused, to Clint and Dur) does she not know this is an axe not a humour?

Austin: [To Dave] Well lets's hope it works just as well for zeals! rest Sent from my iPhone On 16 Nov 2016, at 13:02, dom >

wrote:

Dave: (confused, to Clint and Dur) does she not know this is an axe not a humour?

Austin: [To Dave] Well lets's hope it works just as well for zeals! rest

Dave: ( aiming a hearty slap on Austin's back) Har! Har! Yes! Let us zeal this deal! And let us go forth and humour these Seth's into our way of thinkings!

Alice: Don't axe us, we're just here to free a bunch of Seths!

Jusilla: Hey! Come back! Come back here! I'm going to torture you so badly you'll... ah, forget it!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act III, Scene VII. The Corridor. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, in a long corridor filled with cells.]

Alice: Right, Boddy said they're in a cell downstairs, so I guess that means we need to go up?

Dur: Why would we need to go up to go down? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (pensively) did not the great Jamesbarowon say "you gotta get up to get down"?

Alice: [To Dur] Because Boddy said to go down! to get down"?

Charlie: Indeed, he often gives rather perplexing advice, and one never knows! It does seem fitting that deposed Seths would be kept "down," though, does it not? Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ musing] perhaps we should ask Dur his opinion and then do the opposite?

Alice: No, the way that saying goes is "Perhaps we should ask Dur his opinion and then have a shower?" Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [happily] Dur, what is your opinion? Be quick, Alice and I are having a shower....

Dur: My opinion is "Don't shower with Alice!" Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ laughs heartily and will aim a big comradely punch at Dur's arm]

Alice: [Laughs as Dave's friendly punch sends Dur staggering, before realisation dawns] Hey! This is getting really unpleasant. Let's go down to the dark, dank cells. It's bound to be nicer there!

Clint: So, just to check, we're actually following Boddy's advice and not planning ahead for the inevitable [counts] triple cross? Quadruple cross? I've lost track.


;;; Mental note: No more watching world cup qualifies with ye olde whiskey handy! On to Qatar!
[The party find a staircase leading down. It is dark and slippery, with uneven steps and no handrail.]
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [visibly excited and wide eyed] HAR!! This is what Dave is talking about!!! Dungeon time!! Dur- you do the mapping- Austin you should go about 30 feet ahead of us using the shadows and checking for traps....... Alice do you have a 10' pole?

Austin: Certainly not! I am far to valuable to the party to risk going rest first. You would all die horribly if it were not for my leadership. Mr Dur should go first. about!!! Dungeon time!! Dur- you do the mapping- Austin you should go about 30 feet ahead of us using the shadows and checking for traps....... Alice do you have a 10' pole? first. You would all die horribly if it were not for my leadership. Mr Dur should go first.

Charlie: [To Dave, approvingly] That's the spirit! [To Austin] Dur cannot possibly go first. He will alert others to our approach with his noisy fearful trembling. [Boldly] I shall take the lead!

Austin: Excellent suggestion Sarge! Your leadership is a fine example to rest the party.

Alice: Sorry, Dave, I don't have a ten foot pole, but if I did, I wouldn't touch Clint with it! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! I apologise! It was most condescending of me! I forgot you guys are experienced and skilled adventurers! I will follow your lead sergeant Charlie! [ there is no trace of anything other than genuine respect in Dave's big mad ginger face. He really thinks they know what they're doing....]...

Dur: [Watching Dave skeptically] You'll learn... soon enough. Shall we go?

Alice: [Draws her sword] Okay, Dur, assume your normal position? [To Dave] That means curl up in a little ball!

[The party, lead by DAVE and CHARLIE, start to slowly descend.]

Clint: So is this the coolest thing we've done in at least a couple of weeks? Descending into the depths of hell to talk to ultimate evil is kind of a new one, even for us! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [giggling happily] I hope there are Balrogs.... or Trolls.....

Voice: [Whispering] There's someone up there? [Louder] Who's there?

Austin: [Whispering to Charlie] Ask them who they are! rest

Clint: Us!


;;; Short, concise, to the point!

Voice: [Lower] It's them!

Charlie: [To the voice, whispering] Hello?! Who are you?


;;; Can Charlie see anything?
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ winking conspiratorially and tapping nose] No! No! We're not 'them' ! We are a completely different but totally ok group!

Voice: Oh, in that case come on down. We were just about to have a party. It's gonna be great! We've got a bunch of people wearing leather, lots of dance music, some Abba and then we'll have a parade! We're just a bunch of guys who are trying to make hell a better place for everyone.

Austin: What a relief, we have finally met some nice people in Hell that rest know how to live! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: you had me at leather! 'them' ! We are a completely different but totally ok group!

Charlie: [To Dave, cautiously] Now, let's not be hasty. It sounds as if the sort of part that might be too noisy for thoughtful discussion, so perhaps not as enjoyable as you might think! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [simply stares at Charlie- the concept of "too noisy" or "thoughtful discussion" both being very alien concepts of course...]

Alice: Are there lots of good looking guys there?

Voice: It's all good looking guys! All super clean and fit!

Alice: This sounds like it's going to be a great party!

Dur: Nonsense, I haven't heard them mention anything about sandwiches that can be stored in my pants yet...

Voice: We'll be too busy giving each other pedicures to eat sandwiches.

Dur: Excuse me! I'm the only one in this group that is giving out any kind of cures thank you very much! [Aside to the group] What the hell is a pedicure? kind of cures thank you very much! [Aside to the group] What the hell is a pedicure?

Charlie: [Wisely] It is some sort of fringe sexual fetish, just the sort of people one expects to find in the underworld! [To The Voice, primly] Your celebration sounds a bit unseemly to us, so perhaps you could just let us pass and you may be on your way.

Voice: Suuuure!

Austin: [To Dur] A pedicure is like a manicure, but for your feet. rest

Clint: [To Dur, finishing the explanation.] And a manicure is when you want to make your hands look all soft and womanly, like Alice's or the lawyer's. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: that makes no sense. What is manly about a manicure? It sounds like a girlicure.

Clint: Bingo!

Alice: Oh please, the best girlie cure here is your BO, Clint! It scares us all away!

Voice: I actually quite like it!

Charlie: [To Voice] That cannot possibly be true! [Suspiciously] Who are you? Please show yourself.

Austin: Unless you are ugly. If you are horrendously ugly please stay rest hidden.

David: I'm ugly in looks AND behaviour. What's it to you, bub?

David Devere

Austin: It's nothing to me. I am simply very glad that you do not have a rest man bun. [Adds, thoughtfully] Bub.

David: By Bodin's beard no! Every time I try to dress in blood soaked furs they change back into this clean abomination!

Alice: Blood soaked furze? They must be awfully prickly!

David: [Roars with laughter] Haw! I like this one! Turn around so that I can get a proper look at those child bearing hips!

Charlie: [Looks at David, then looks at Dave. To Dave] How extraordinary! Is this your tidier brother?! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: By Wotan's shiny helmet! Can it truly be you??? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Look everyone ! It is DAVE!!

David: [Does a double take] Dave! No! It can't be! [Playfully tries to grab him in a headlock]

Clint: [Sighs.] It's gonna be one of those trips to another dimension, isn't it?

Austin: Which alternate Austin do you have? [Tries to see in the gloom] rest


;;;;awa hame

Clint: [Staggers at the thought and reaches hopefully into his pockets to see if a flask hasn't magically appeared there in the past 15 minutes.]

David: I don't have an Austin, I have a darling.

Austin: A darling or a Darling, with capital D? rest

David: [Looks up from his struggle with Dave and speaks wretchedly] Capital. Capital.

Charlie: [Thrilled] Oh, a darling?! Perhaps it is a Pestilence double! [Frowns] Though that could be MOST confusing in some respects!

David: I don't know what that is, but it's bound to be better than my Darling.

Darling: Hello everyone!

Alice: [Darkly] Hello, Darling.


;;; Alice, Austin and Clint dealt with Darling many years ago -- he was a follower of Joe Nunpar

Captain Darling Darling.

Austin: Hello darling. [Whispers to Alice] Who killed him? Was it us?

Alice: Unfortunately not!

Darling: Darlings! How wonderful to see you! Why don't we let bygones be bygones and get down and [dances like only a white guy can] p-a-r-t-y!

Charlie: [Watching Darling dance, fascinated] Do you hear music no one else can hear? Oh, do you also hear voices?! How interesting!

Dur: You have a very loose definition of interesting!

Alice: She must -- she finds you interesting!

Darling: I hear music every where I go, I bring joy and dance on my path. Happiness and contentment follow me!

Austin: Whatever helps you sleep at night. rest

David: [Growls] It certainly doesn't help ME sleep at night! I've been stuck with him ever since I got here!

Clint: [Shrugs.] This *is* hell!

Darling: Oh, turn that frown upside down! Come on! If we hurry, we'll have time to take in a scrap booking class before the party!

Clint: [Horrifed, to David.] Have you tried random brutal violence?

Darling: Oh, he did! It turns out that it doesn't hurt me at all, but hurts him ten times over!

David: Sometimes I do it because it's better than listening to him talking about scrapbooking!

Charlie: [To David, fascinated] It hurts YOU when you hurt him? How peculiar! What manner of creature are you?

Austin: [To David] Not exactly a good work-life balance huh? rest

David: Yeah, welcome to hell!

Austin: Is the opposite method effective? For example, if you give him a rest hug to you get fie times hugginess in return?

David: I do, but.... well, look at him. Would you want five times the hugginess off him?

Darling: Come on, Aus, bring it on in! Let's hug it all out! [Winks] I won't use any tongue. [Pause] Probably!

Austin: Too good to be true! [Tries to slap Darling] rest

David: Haw! [Helps Austin up] Well done, friend! It hurts, but sometimes it's worth it!

Austin: [Revelling in endorphins] Oooow, that was good! [Dabs his nose rest with a white handkerchief] I wonder what a good whipping or spanking will feel like! with a white handkerchief] I wonder what a good whipping or spanking will feel like!

Charlie: [Watches Austin, impressed] How interesting! [Whips out a notebook] Now, let us try a mix of painful experiments increasing in intensity and record the results.

Austin: Oooh! Now I see why you are so interested in 'experiments' and rest 'sience'! I prefer to call it S & M, but we can go with 'experiments' if it suits you.

Darling: [Climbing back up the steps] Hah! You sure did get me there, friend!

Alice: [Offers Austin her sword] Wanna experiment on him?

David: [To Austin] Best not, friend, not unless there's some limb or testicle that you're not particularly attached to.

Dur: [Still scratching his head] But if the 'S' stands for science, what does the 'M' stand for? MORE Science?

Alice: Masturbation. what does the 'M' stand for? MORE Science?

Charlie: [To Dur] Do not listen to Alice. You were correct! [Hands Dur a copper piece and pats his head]

David: So what are you guys in for?

Clint: It's a long story, but let's say it's for... well, someone's kid never learned to share.

David: Hah! A man of few words, eh? I like it. Just like my man Dave here!

Austin: [Looks at Dave, considering his likeness to Will] Not seeing the rest similarity myself.

Clint: Well, not *just* like Dave. For example, Dave didn't point out that since there are more than five of us and people punching you in the goolies get it back five times worse, it's a net win for us if we all just sort of take turns.

Alice: Yeeesh, Stinky, if you want to get punched in the goolies, just ask!

Darling: I can do that for you... gently!


;;; No posting until Monday 5th December!

Alice: [To David] Why are you even traveling with this guy? He's really, really annoying!

David: That's part of my sentence! I'm stuck with him!

Dur: [Horrified] For how long? really annoying!

Charlie: [To David] How dreadful you must have been to earn such a sentence!

David: For ever! [To Charlie] Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you? I was hardly evil at all!

David: Short of imprisoning Seth and trying to set Sven free, no!

Alice: And what exactly are you doing here?

David: The same thing we do every night, try to imprison Seth and set Sven free!

Alice: How's that working out for you?

David: Every night Darling here blabs and we get caught.

Darling: I'm a real character, you see! irksome problem? Sven free!

Charlie: [To Darling] How delightful! Tell me, do you enjoy games? I suspect a man of your merry temperament must!

Darling: Why, yes I do! Let's have a competition to see who can make the most annoying sound!

Alice: Oh my GOD!

Darling: [Applauds] Hey! That was really good, really, really annoying!

Alice: Hey!

Charlie: Marvelous! Now we shall play OUR game. [To Darling, in a whisper] Hold still and close your eyes tightly. Then we shall put you in a surprise costume and take you to a secret location! Won't that be fun?!

Clint: [Hopefully] How about a nice rousing game of hide and go seek?

Austin: Mr Scar is usually very easy to find, if you can bear the smell! rest


;;; sorry for the late post, out more out this week

Darling: [Closes his eyes tightly] Gosh! Both of those sound super exciting!! smell! exciting!!

Charlie: [To the others in a low voice, pulling out a rope and a balled up pair of socks, moving to tie up and gag Darling] Quickly! [To Darling, in a normal voice] Oh, it will be EVER so exciting!

Clint: [To Charlie, quietly] I dunno, Sarge, I'm not into that kinky stuff...

Alice: You don't have to have sex with him, Clint, you just need to help tie him up!

Clint: Oh, well, that's all right, then. [Goes to help tie up Darling.]

Dur: I am sure this is for the best, for both of you! Darling's nostrils] This is so that you don't spoil the fun by cheating through sniffing out Mr Scar.

Darling: [Nods enthusiastically and says something completely unintelligible] Mmf arrch mmb!

Alice: [Ties part of the rope to a handy nearby hook on the wall] Now, count to a bajillion, and then come and find us!

Darling: Mm! Mm!

Charlie: [To Dave, in a low voice] Right, care to join us, now that you are free of your burden?

David: You betcha! But come on, we better hurry! [Pause] Er, where are we going?

Austin: We have just imprisoned Seth, so I believe that we must now rescue rest the ever charming, delightful, unforgettable, ... fun, ... quite tall, .. [Clearly forgotten his name] Sven!


;;; off out

David: Haw! Excellent! He's downstairs in a cell with the rest of them, come on!

[DAVID races off down the stairs followed by the party.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act III, Scene VII. The Cells. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and DAVID are here, arriving down some stairs. There are a number of cells here. Standing here waiting is DARLING.]

Darling: Found you!!

Charlie: [Laughs uneasily] How remarkable! One would have assumed one's knots were much, much better tied! Perhaps another round? We shall make this one much more challenging, I promise!

Darling: Oh, I'm just happy to hang with my BFFs! I won't get in the way, I promise! It'll be a lark!

Dur: Do you really think it’s going to be that easy again? Perhaps we should give him some “task” to complete for the game, one that just happens to take a really long time?

Clint: Now when you say "hang"...

Darling: Oh, you guys! [Smiles an irrepressible and extremely punchable smile] I just love this back and forth we have! What are gonna do now, huh? What do you want to do, Clint? I think we can have lots of fun, Clint!

Charlie: [To Darling, gasping and pointing in the opposite direction] Oh, is that a bipedal fully erect ten-toed hominid?!


;;; If Darling takes the bait, Charlie will attempt to knock him out with
;;; a blow to the head with an unfeasibly large reference book!

Darling: Where? Where? [Turns to look]

[Bang. CHARLIE smacks him over the head, sending him staggering. Alas, she herself reels back as though hit even harder, and staggers against the party, bruised and bloody.]

David: [Catching Charlie] Ah, brave wench! At least it will give us some respite from my Darling.

Dur: Then we best get on about our business, unless Charlie needs to look after her injuries that is?

Austin: Good work Sarge [Slaps Darling, roughly] rest Sent from my iPhone On 6 Dec 2016, at 16:48, dom >

wrote:

Darling: Where? Where? [Turns to look]

[Bang. CHARLIE smacks him over the head, sending him staggering. Alas, she herself reels back as though hit even harder, and staggers against the party, bruised and bloody.]

David: [Catching Charlie] Ah, brave wench! At least it will give us some respite from my Darling.

Austin: Good work Sarge [Slaps Darling, roughly] rest

Dave: [very slightly jealous that the other Dave is more popular than himself, also slaps Darling. Also tries to give him a petulant little toe jab when no one is looking] himself, also slaps Darling. Also tries to give him a petulant little toe jab when no one is looking]

Charlie: [Dazed but beaming] Thank you, Mr. Sleaze! [Regards Darling with satisfaction] Job well done, group!

[Both AUSTIN and DAVE land fine slaps on DARLING, and both get knocked to the floor as they do so. However, poor old DARLING is quite dazed, and falls to the ground.]

David: Hah! Good work, friends! [Points down the corridor] The cells are down here. There's one in particular that has all the old Seths in it. That's almost certainly where Sven is!

Charlie: [Offers a hand to Austin and Dave] Excellent, let us hurry and find Sven, before Darling can interfere with our plans!

David: Haw! I like this one!

[The party advance down the corridor and come to a huge, bolted door.]

David: I think they're all behind this one. [Warily] But be careful, they are probably the most awful, evil creatures to ever live. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! Let us crack on then with our wary's about us! [so saying he will attempt to try and open the door- preferably forceably]

Alice: Let's see what these evil creatures look like!

[The door swings open. Inside stands AUSTIN.]

Alice: Ugly looking brute, isn't he?


;;; No posting until FRIDAY!

Austin2: At least I don't have a broken nose.

Alice: What?

[Bam. AUSTIN2 punches ALICE hard in the face and sends her flying.]

Austin2: Ah! That sure felt good!

Charlie: [Gasps, to Austin2] You horrid imposter! [attempts to punch Austin2] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ attempt to grab and hang onto Austin 1] Har! I have the real one! So direct your wallops at the imposter!

[DAVE grabs AUSTIN as CHARLIE punches AUSTIN2, who barely flinches.]

Austin2: I'm confused. Are you attacking me or trying to flirt with me?

Austin: It's a bit of a grey area with Chuckles. Why did you punch Alice? rest

Austin2: [To Dave] Hey, thanks for holding him for me. [Punches Austin, knocking both him and Dave to the ground] I'm a devil. What else do you expect me to do? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: well- I would personally expect capering, gloating, attempts at bartering for souls, and sneaky manipulations and clever stratagems- not this lacklustre and frankly pedestrian imitation and direct violence malarkey. I for one am rather unimpressed.

Austin2: [Laughs] How disappointing! If only you knew as much as you think you do! [Disappears in a puff of smoke]

Clint: Hey! Get back here so we can finish kicking your buttime! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will help Austin up] I am not liking Devils.

Austin: What an incredibly annoying devil that was. I'm so glad I'm rest nothing like him [Dabs his cuts/bruises with a handy wipe]

Alice: [Wiping her face] Yeah, totally different. Are all devils this mean? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: overall hell is proving surprising. Less eternal fire and agony and more like ongoing irritation.

Alice: [Holding her bloody nose] This feels a lot more like agony than irritation to me! And what would you prefer? That he hang around and torture us? and more like ongoing irritation.

Charlie: And I think Alice would agree that having her nose permanently and hideously disfigured is a certain type of lifelong torture. [To Alice, reassuringly] Not that I am saying your nose will be so disfigured. Just that it is very likely, given the type of damage done.

Clint: Hey, she can always get Dur to fix her nose for her... Anyway, let's not wait around for more devils to show up! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har. I would rather I could simply chop them up and end their wickedness by way of healthy wholesome slaughter.

Alice: Forget that! What about this business with my beautiful nose? Will Austin's be similarly disfigured? wickedness by way of healthy wholesome slaughter.

Charlie: [Appraises Austin, diplomatically] Perhaps as he ages he will grow into the nose, and it will give his face additional character! [To Alice]

Alice: It could be very distinguished!

Austin: [Nursing his nose] Ib wab already dishinguished rest Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! He almost looks like a man!

Charlie: Indeed, we shall wear our disfigurements with pride! [Claps her hands] Now, let us find Sven! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ cupping hands over mouth to amplify will start trying to find Sven by shouting his name loudly and repeatedly- possibly making sure he is right next to Austin's ear when he starts] SVEN!! SVEN! SVEEEEEN!

Austin: [Tries to poke Dave in the eye] Take your shouting else where, rest ruffian! Sent from my iPhone On 12 Dec 2016, at 13:22, dom >

wrote:

Dave: [ cupping hands over mouth to amplify will start trying to find Sven by shouting his name loudly and repeatedly- possibly making sure he is right next to Austin's ear when he starts] SVEN!! SVEN! SVEEEEEN!

Austin: [Tries to poke Dave in the eye] Take your shouting else where, ruffian! rest Dave:[ pausing to grin happily and mop his watering eye, will renew his hollering and skip along listening for any reply]

[AUSTIN unsuccessfully tries to poke DAVE, but a voice calls out from behind a cell door.]

Voice: I'm here!

Dur: Where is Here? And are you sure you're Sven? We have very little time or patience for trickery of any sort!


;;; Sorry for my lack of activity of late. It has been rough at work.

Voice: Haw! Of course I'm sure!

[Another voice from the opposite cell calls out.]

Voice2: I'm Sven!

[A third voice, from the one next door calls out.]

Voice3: I'm Sven and so's my wife!


;;; Hopefully by giving Dur a hard time we can make up for it!

Dur: Well that's just great! Just our luck we run into a whole room of Svens!

Austin: [Tries to pick or open the lock on the 'Haw!' response door] If rest this is not Sven, we're going to be here for a very long time.

[The lock pops open and SVEN leaps out.]

Sven: Haw! Nice work, my friend!

Sven Goring Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Hullo at last! We have been seeking you widely! Though of course we do need to be sure that you are you. If do need to be sure that you are you.

Charlie: Oh, I know! [To Sven] Mr. Goring, what did you think of my last paper in the most recent edition of Science and Stuff?

Dur: [Frowning in confusion] I'm confused, are we about to take some kind of test? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: quiet my small and confused friend... I suspect Charlie has a cunning plan to determine Sven's authenticity... though she may of course be woefully off track with this one....

Sven: I don't know, I guess it depends on who you are, but if you're a regular contributor to Science and Stuff, I think we're gonna be buds!

Austin: [In disbelief] What kind of screwed up Hell is this! What have rest they done to him!


;;;awa hame
Sent from my iPhone On 12 Dec 2016, at 17:09, dom >

wrote:

Sven: I don't know, I guess it depends on who you are, but if you're a regular contributor to Science and Stuff, I think we're gonna be buds!

Austin: [In disbelief] What kind of screwed up Hell is this! What have they done to him! rest


;;;awa hame Dave:[ will look carefully at Charlie] that is not the answer I would have expected.... Dave? Does that sound like Sven to you?

Clint: [Paranoid.] Are they coming for us next? Will we all turn into nerds? We've got to get out of here!


;;; I wasn't so much slammed at work as... uh... without electricity. Helpfully, my computer is connected to the UPS but my monitor is not, because that would make too much sense.

David: I don't know, Dave. Let me try this one, do you read Science and Stuff, Sven?

Sven: [Guffaws] God, no! Way too boring for a dumbo like me. I'm too busy drinkin', rampagin' and... [spots Alice] well, hey there! [Back to Dave] It's important the geeks keep working, how else will we get all those advances in beer making and weaponry? Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ beaming] HAR!!! It is good to meet you SVEN!!

Sven: [Gives Dave a huge firm handshake] You smell like good Viking blood, my friend!

Austin: Why don't you taste his blood, then you'll know for sure! rest

Sven: [Roars with laughter] Great idea! Maybe I'll drain all of you completely and turn you into mindless zombies who'll follow my every command and help me retake hell.

[An awkward silence descends.]

Sven: [Laughs again] Haw! I'm just kidding -- I prefer AB blood, most Vikings are O negative.


;;; Abrupt pause to the game, I'm afraid -- back on MONDAY.

Alice: He certainly SEEMS to be Sven!

Charlie: [Muses] Does he? I recall Mr. Goring's humor being of a more jovial, light-hearted nature, entirely less threatening and ghoulish!.

Sven: Haw! I doubt we've met, my fair lady -- old Sven would never forget such a sight!

Charlie: [To Sven] Well, not YOU, precisely. Rather, a version of you. [Modestly] One with excellent taste in academic research!

Sven: [Roars with laughter] Sounds like a geek! So, what gives? What are you guys up to? Here to rescue me? You do know we'll probably be squashed by Seth, right?

Dur: Yes, yes, we have already handled that issue.

Sven: [Smiles] Hm! Groping the devil, eh? I like this party -- big Viking influence! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! Well I'm feeling good about this now!

Austin: Jolly good. But no more head locks please! I must insist! rest Sent from my iPhone On 19 Dec 2016, at 21:40, dom >

wrote:

Dave: Har! Well I'm feeling good about this now!

Austin: Jolly good. But no more head locks please! I must insist! rest

Dave: Har!! [ will attempt to give Austin and Dur playful manly back slaps and dead arms- maybe give Charlie one too]
;;; out until 4 th Jan 2017!
;;; A very merry holiday and New Year to you all.

;;;;; Happy Christmas all!! Sent from my iPhone

Sven: [Laughs as Dave manhandles Austin and Dur] This is going to be great fun! What's the plan?

Alice: To unleash a bunch of devils on an unsuspecting and unprepared world.

Sven: Haw! Sounds like a laugh!


;;; Looks like it might be time to break for Christmas!
;;; We'll pick up again on January 4th.
;;;
;;; Merry Christmas everyone, and let's wreak a bunch of
;;; havoc on The Realms in the New Year!!

;;; Merry Christmas, everyone! See you in the New Year!
[In a flurry of arm punching and hair, DAVE somehow manages to punch each of AUSTIN, DUR and CHARLIE on the shoulder, sending each of them staggering slightly, but not hurting them.]

Sven: Haw! I love it! Time-wasting arm punching instead of sticking to the mission! [Playfully shakes an angry fist at Dave] Your doing, no doubt!

Alice: Hey! [Sulkily] How come I didn't get an irritating slap on the arm?

Sven: [Grabs Alice in a headlock and ruffles her hair] Poor old Shooter, feeling left out, eh?

Alice: [Still in the headlock] What? Did you just call me Shooter?


;;; That's what Sven in the party's world always called Alice -- after an unfortunate
;;; incident in which a servant was shot and killed.

Austin: [Nursing his shoulder] Yes, he did. Wonderful, isn't it? We might rest actually be rescuing the right Sven after all [Looks smug] Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: dom >

Sent: Thursday, January 5, 2017 11:22 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.053

To: Conor Ryan >

Cc: scott groves >, Heather >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, >

[In a flurry of arm punching and hair, DAVE somehow manages to punch each of AUSTIN, DUR and CHARLIE on the shoulder, sending each of them staggering slightly, but not hurting them.]

Sven: Haw! I love it! Time-wasting arm punching instead of sticking to the mission! [Playfully shakes an angry fist at Dave] Your doing, no doubt!

Alice: Hey! [Sulkily] How come I didn't get an irritating slap on the arm?

Sven: [Grabs Alice in a headlock and ruffles her hair] Poor old Shooter, feeling left out, eh?

Alice: [Still in the headlock] What? Did you just call me Shooter?

Austin: [Nursing his shoulder] Yes, he did. Wonderful, isn't it? We might actually be rescuing the right Sven after all [Looks smug] rest

Dave: HAR!! We are getting something right !! Let us do lots more stuff so that the law of averages lets us get more rightness going on!

Sven: That's the kind of maths I like, my friend! [Starts leading the way] Who wants to join me as cannon fodder?

Alice: Okay, but if he's from a different dimension and doesn't know who I am, why did he call me Shooter?
;;; Sent to just me by accident

Austin: Because the Alice from this his dimension also shot one or rest more of her staff ?

Alice: But we don't exist in this dimension, right?


;;; This does appear to be true

Dur: [Still shaking off the punch] Is it possible he is the Sven from our dimension? Or perhaps Hell is cross-dimensional?


;;; Heather is afk today

Charlie: Fascinating! This will make for an excellent paper for Science and Stuff, or whatever journal in this dimension has a comparable citation index. [To Sven] How did you know to call her Shooter?

Sven: [Shrugs] I dunno. She just looks like a shooter to me.

Alice: Hey! Stop calling me Shooter! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Thursday, January 5, 2017 1:40 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.056

To: scott groves >

Cc: Heather >, >, >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >

Alice: But we don't exist in this dimension, right?


;;; This does appear to be true

Dave: [musing] There could be many dimensions with all manner of ourselves running about, leading different lives, making different choices, being good or evil, lucky, unlucky- there is probably a dimension where both you ladies find Dave irresistible..... [grins unsettlingly at Charlie and Alice and chortles happily to himself]

Austin: [Checks his nails. To Dave] Your grasp of probability seems to be rest rather generous.

Alice: [Gives a shiver] I suppose anything's possible!

Austin: [Considers this] Naaa, not quite anything ...some things just rest don't make sense, or cannot be, like errrm, hot snow, or altruistic professors. Although I have to admit that the existence of flip-flops is rather perplexing.

Charlie: The universe is certainly a difficult place to understand!

Sven: Right! Let's get out of here!

Alice: What about the other Seths? Don't we need to let them out too?

Clint: Yup! The more power-mad god-like beings, the better! Who's with me? Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Tom Henderson >

Sent: Thursday, January 5, 2017 5:54 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.061

To: Conor Ryan >

Cc: >, Heather >, Tom Henderson >, scott groves >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, dom >, >

Clint: Yup! The more power-mad god-like beings, the better! Who's with me?

Dave: Let us unleash the crazies!!

Dur: [Looks around confused] But we're not even locked up right now?

Alice: We're not, but that's because we're figments of your diseased mind! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Friday, January 6, 2017 3:39 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.063

To: Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >

Cc: scott groves >, Heather >, >, dom >, Tom Henderson >, >

Alice: We're not, but that's because we're figments of your diseased mind!

Dave: [heading for the nearest cell door] HAR! As the fine woman says, only a real crazy could imagine that any of this was happening, or that people like us were running around! [aside to Alice] (we are teasing him yes? Not actually real imaginary characters? That is actually a bit unsettling....)

Austin: This is not really a good time for philosophical dialogue, perhaps rest you two could arrange a date to discuss this matter over coffee and cake some time? [Looks around] Right, where were we? [Straightens his cuff] perhaps you two could arrange a date to discuss this matter over coffee and cake some time? [Looks around] Right, where were we? [Straightens his cuff]

Charlie: [To Austin] Deciding to release scores of deposed and quite possibly mentally deranged fallen Seths! [Goes to the next cell] Shall we?


;;; Hope everyone had a happy Christmas! Good to be back!

Charlie: [To Austin] Deciding to release scores of deposed and quite

Austin: Indeed, no time to waste, Sarge! [Tries to pick the next lock] rest

[The lock slides open easily, but there is no sound from inside.]
[The lock slides open easily, but there is no sound from inside.]

Dur: [Staring into empty, silent blackness] Speaking of disconcerting...

[ALICE holds her torch up to the door.]

Alice: Is there anyone there? Oh look! It's a cute baby! And he's dressed in adult clothes -- how adorable!

[This is true. Enter JAMES KIDD, a baby in adult clothes.]

James Kidd

Charlie: [To Kidd, cooing] Aren't you precious? Just like a large, hairless kitten!

[KIDD starts to cry, holding his arms out for consolation.]

Clint: Oh hell no. Kids are creepy enough as it is without being locked up in a prison for powerful god-monsters! This one's for you, Sarge.

[KIDD starts to cry, holding his arms out for consolation.]

Clint: Oh hell no. Kids are creepy enough as it is without being locked up in a prison for powerful god-monsters! This one's for you, Sarge.

Austin: I urge caution! That baby could be dangerous! rest

Clint: [Nods fervently. ] To put it differently, god-monsters are scary enough without needing to have their diapers changed!

Kidd: [With a surprisingly deep voice] Of course I'm not dangerous, I'm an adorable baby -- with excellent taste in suits!


;;; He is wearing a rather exquisite suit!

Austin: [Surprised as Kidd comes out into the light] Is that suit by rest Gorgeous h'Arm-arny? [Gasps]


;;;awa hame

Alice: Wow! Even Austin thinks he's adorable! Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen?

Sven: Sure! He's a real peach! [Leans in and punches Kidd in the face]

Charlie: [To Sven, scolding] You mustn't punch babies! Their skulls have not yet fully formed.

Sven: That's what makes it fun!

[KIDD leaps up jumps on SVEN, his tiny fists pounding into SVEN.]

Sven: Ow! Help! Get him off!

Dur: [Sarcastically] Who would have thought you would be punished for your misdeeds in Hell? [Nervously to the finely dress baby] Uh, I say good fellow, do you need a hug?

Clint: Fortunately, it's not like I can go to hell for this... [Gores to boot Kidd off of Sven.]

[CLINT connects with the tiny baby, and sends him flying across the corridor and into the wall with a sickening thud.]

Alice: [Annoyed, to Sven and Kidd] You can't fight here! What is wrong with you?

Kidd: We're in jail and in hell, what else are we supposed to do?

Austin: Yoga? Meditation? Is there no rehabilitation program here? [Tuts] rest Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: dom >

Sent: Monday, January 9, 2017 11:37 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.083

To: Conor Ryan >

Cc: Heather >, scott groves >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, >

[CLINT connects with the tiny baby, and sends him flying across the corridor and into the wall with a sickening thud.]

Alice: [Annoyed, to Sven and Kidd] You can't fight here! What is wrong with you?

Kidd: We're in jail and in hell, what else are we supposed to do?

Austin: Yoga? Meditation? Is there no rehabilitation program here? [Tuts] rest

Dave: [Looking revolted] Yoga? Meditation? Ugh. These certainly sound like hell to a Viking. Vikings prefer Mindlessness to Mindfulness!

Sven: [Nods] That's right! They had me doing yoga for the first 50 years. Then something called Veganism. [Shudders] It was hell. Makes me want to punch a baby.

Kidd: Bring it on, salad muncher!

Alice: [To the party] Yeesh! If every time we release another Seth they all fight with each other, we'll never get out of here!

Charlie: Indeed! [To Sven and Kidd, enticingly] If you two will hold onto your frustrations just a few moments longer, you can release them in an enormous, messy, free-for-all with ALL of the other Seths? Wouldn't that be terribly enjoyable? Think of the unbridled chaos!

[SVEN and KIDD regard each other warily, ready for another round of punching.]

Kidd: You mean, I could have an army of babies raiding every candy store in the Realms?

Austin: What a fabulous idea, yes of course you can have that! rest

Sven: How about a wild and crazy army of vikings rampaging across the realms, cutting a swathe of destruction in their wake?

Clint: [Dubiously] I think we're supposed to be against that sort of thing, aren't we? Besides, they'd be muscling on on our shtick!

Austin: [To Sven] Will it be fun? rest

Sven: It'll be a bloodthirsty, alcohol fuelled rampage across the country -- of course it'll be fun!


;;; Both Heather and Kevin are afk today

Charlie: [To the party] We can worry about the bloodthirsty, alcohol fuelled rampage later -- we should at least let him believe that this sort of behaviour will be acceptable.

Dur: I'll sort this out. [To Sven] Yes. Yes, you will be able to do that. [Gives the party a big wink]

Clint: Now that that's all sorted, let's see what's behind door #3! [Goes to free the next Seth. ] Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Monday, January 9, 2017 4:16 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.091

To: dom >

Cc: Heather >, scott groves >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, >

Sven: It'll be a bloodthirsty, alcohol fuelled rampage across the country -- of course it'll be fun!


;;; Both Heather and Kevin are afk today

Charlie: [To the party] We can worry about the bloodthirsty, alcohol fuelled rampage later -- we should at least let him believe that this sort of behaviour will be acceptable.

Dur: I'll sort this out. [To Sven] Yes. Yes, you will be able to do that. [Gives the party a big wink]

Dave: It sounds jolly fun to me anyway. Shall we find more new friends? [ heading for next cell door]

[A tremendously deep growl comes from inside the door.]
Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2017 3:50 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.093

To: Tom Henderson >

Cc: Heather >, scott groves >, >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, > [A tremendously deep growl comes from inside the door.]

Dave: HAR! Let's meet this fellow!! [ will attempt to open cell before any of the others get a chance to make a fuss]

Austin: [Stands well back] It's remarkable that you are still alive! rest Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: dom >

Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2017 10:26 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.094

To: scott groves >

Cc: Heather >, Conor Ryan >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, > [A tremendously deep growl comes from inside the door.]

Dave: HAR! Let's meet this fellow!! [ will attempt to open cell before any of the others get a chance to make a fuss]

Austin: [Stands well back] It's remarkable that you are still alive! rest

Dave: thank you friend Austin! Let us face yet more unnecessary and easily avoidable terrible danger so that we feel even more alive! Mwahahaha!

Austin: I feel quite alive enough with that door firmly locked, thank you rest very much!

Sven: [Laughs] Good one, Austin! [Laughs again] Haw! As if a party as brave as ours would leave the door locked! [Stands beside Dave and peers in] Er, maybe we should just leave this one locked. you very much!

Charlie: [Excited, trying to see inside] Oh, who is it?! Who is it??

[The party all crowd around, to see PETER DEADPAN staring back out at them.]

Peter Deadpan
;;; Peter's a long term NPC that all but Dave have met at some time or another Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2017 3:06 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.098

To: Heather >

Cc: scott groves >, >, >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson > [The party all crowd around, to see PETER DEADPAN staring back out at them.]

Peter Deadpan


;;; Peter's a long term NPC that all but Dave have met at some time or another

Dave: look everyone! A stranger!

Austin: In the name of Phili! What on earth is Peter doing in here? [Tries rest to pick the lock] It's no wonder that the world is ending!

Sven: [Looks appalled] Peter was the worst Seth in history -- even other Seths hated him.

Kidd: [Nods] You know devils, right? Like a bunch of bitchy little girls, but this guy was something else.

[Click! AUSTIN gets the lock open. PETER doesn't make a move.]

Alice: [To Dave] We've met him before. Half of us think he's great and the funniest person in history, while the other half are sane.

Charlie: [Shudders. To Peter] Hello, Mr. Deadpan. How [mutters] to see you!

Peter: [Dripping sarcasm] What an attractive group of people.

Sven: [Roars laughing] Haw! Hey, this guy's got a sense of humour after all! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2017 5:37 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.102

To: Heather >

Cc: scott groves >, >, >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >

Peter: [Dripping sarcasm] What an attractive group of people.

Sven: [Roars laughing] Haw! Hey, this guy's got a sense of humour after all!

Dave: You care if you are rescued by ugly or pretty people? How shallow. Ah well. Let's go find someone scary!!!

Clint: Say, is there anyone here who still likes this guy? Because I say we leave him here to be all bitter and sarcastic alone in the dark. Who's with me?


;;; Evidently not the alarm, that's who! The great thing about academia is I can sleep laaaate and no one really says anything!

Peter: People with no sense of smell, possibly?

Sven: [Roars with laughter again] Haw! He's got you there, friend. You do reek, after all!

Austin: [Giggling] Walked right into that one! rest Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: dom >

Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2017 8:32 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.105

To: Conor Ryan >

Cc: scott groves >, Heather >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, Tom Henderson >

Peter: People with no sense of smell, possibly?

Sven: [Roars with laughter again] Haw! He's got you there, friend. You do reek, after all!

Austin: [Giggling] Walked right into that one! rest

Dave: So this one will destroy our adversary by way of belittling comments.... hmm ? I hope the next Seth is more fearsome! A dragon or jabberwock or suchlike!

Austin: [TO Dave] You are very, very odd. Why would you choose to spend rest time with anyone else other than Peter? [Shrugs and frowns at the idea]

Sven: [To Austin] Yeah, it's weird, right? This guy is great!

[For some reason, the party elect to open the remaining three doors at the same time. Three more SETHS later and DICEY "FORTYCOATS" O'REILLY, BJORSETH BJORSETHSEN, APHI LIBURNI quickly join the party.]

Bjorseth Bjorsethsen

Aphi Liburni

Dicey "Fortycoats" O'Reilly


;;; Bjorseth and Aphi are the original Seth and Phili, respectively (at least from the party's point of view) while
;;; Dicey is a longtime NPC who had a short-lived time as a cult leader in the party's dimension.

Dicey: Bejasus and bejabbers, between me forty coats and fifty pockets, if it isn't just the greatest thing to be out of that cell! [Looks at Peter] Ah now, with an outfit like that, ye must have some Oirish in you, right?

Peter: Not since I was last stabbed by someone from Limerick.

Aphi: [Does a pretend boxing move on Peter] Bam! Nice one, Petey! [Laughs as Peter ducks to avoid being punched] Wow! Great to be finally free. [To Bjorseth] What do you say, old friend? Let bygones be bygones?

Bjorseth: You idiot, you started this whole thing!

Aphi: Liar! That's all you ever do!

[The two of them immediately start fighting.]

Alice: [To the party] Yeesh! Who knew that keeping a bunch of devils under control would be so difficult! http://www.queens-view.com/content/cast?query=Bjorseth%20Bjorsethsen http://www.queens-view.com/content/cast?query=Dicey%20%27%27Fortycoats%27%27%20O%20Reilly

Charlie: [Claps her hands briskly] Gentlemen! Do behave! You have an important mission, and it will allow you to fight and figuratively measure against one another's respective sexual potency, organ length etc. to your heart's content!

Dur: Wait, is that why we’re breaking them out? That hardly seems useful to OUR mission...


;;; Sorry for my absence. I was out sick and then had an avalanche of work that had to be done to get caught up.

Dicey: [Points to his infeasibly large, pointy shoes] Ah, bejasus and bejabbers, I think we all be knowin' the relationship between shoe size and lad length, don't we? [Gives Alice and Charlie a salacious wink]

Alice: [Hiding behind Dur] Ew! Maybe Percy has a plan that involves overcompensating-men with small penises?

Dur: Nonsense! Those spells never work! I should know because I spent a good portion of my career trying to sell them!

Austin: [To the Seths, in a party rousing way] Great! All we need now is a rest bar stocked with booze and full of charming young, rich debutan ... loose women.

Alice: [To Dur] Maybe if you hadn't spent so much time casting the spells on yourself, you would have made out okay!

Clint: If we had a bar full of booze and easy women, we wouldn't need these guys, lawyer!

Peter: If you had a bar full of booze and easy women you would probably be thrown out.

Sven: [Roars laughing] Haw! What a personality! [To the party] Right, what now?

Dur: Next? Errr... right [Aside to the group] We DID have a plan didn't we?

Alice: Of course we did! [Laughs at Dur's foolishness]

[Time passes.]

Alice: Er.... that is, I think the plan is to leave hell with all these guys, right? we?

Charlie: [To Alice, tsking] Do be serious! It is a far, far more complex plan than that. [To the Seths, handing out hefty binders crammed with notes, charts, and diagrams] Here you are! You'll find the Executive Summary on page one.


;;; And, yes, the Executive Summary confirms that
;;; the plan is to take the Seths out of Hell!

Alice: Right! Then let's go! [To the Seths] Where's the door out of here?

Peter: Inside my backpack.

Sven: [Guffaws at Peter] Haw! Good one! [To Alice] Seriously, though, Shooter, this is hell, you can't just walk out of here!

Charlie: [Intrigued] How DO we get out? Oh, is it a magical portal? A secret passage?? How exciting!

Clint: At least tell me there's SOME way out. If there isn't, that's going to be a major flaw in our plan and the sarge is going to have to make new binders, and nobody wants that!

Aphi: It's a secret passage!

Austin: Excellent! I do like a good secret passage. A least I like the rest clean ones. Lead the way!

Aphi: Well, I don't know where it is! It's a secret!

Austin: Well, some one must know, do you know who knows? Or someone who rest knows someone who knows?

Aphi: Seth knows.

Charlie: How fortunate! I believe we can locate her to ask, though I do fear she may not be inclined to assist us without incentive!

Alice: [To the Seths] How forgiving is Seth? On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not at all and 10 is political-wife-standing-by-her-manism?

Aphi: 1.

Bjorseth: 1.

Sven: 1.

Kidd: 1.

Peter: Orange.

Dur: [Looking worried] I don't like the sound of that Orange... is not at all and 10 is political-wife-standing-by-her-manism?

Charlie: [Hopefully] Perhaps we needn't seek forgiveness but try bribery?


;;; Out for the rest of the day! Keep Charlie
;;; out of trouble, guys! : D

Clint: I say we let renowned charmer Peter Deadpan be the one in charge of getting the location of the secret passage out of her.

Peter: Sure, no problem. Let's waste time on that rather than you actually finding it. Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Tom Henderson >

Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2017 5:24 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.132

To: Heather >

Cc: scott groves >, Conor Ryan >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, dom >, Tom Henderson >

Clint: I say we let renowned charmer Peter Deadpan be the one in charge of getting the location of the secret passage out of her.

Dave: Har! Yes indeed! Let Peter put his eloquence to good use and inveigle his way into Seth's secret places! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2017 5:38 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.133

To: Tom Henderson >

Cc: Heather >, scott groves >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, dom >, Tom Henderson >

Peter: Sure, no problem. Let's waste time on that rather than you actually finding it.

Dave: [ will stare at Peter as though imaging punching him really hard in the face- which,coincidentally, is exactly what he is doing]

[PETER returns DAVE's stare impassively. This goes on for quite some time.]

Alice: [Sigh] He's not going to talk to Seth, is he?

Sven: [Barely able to contain his laughter at Peter's hilarious hijinks] No! You guys better go and see if you can find the secret passage in Seth's office.

Austin: [Giggling at Peter] Great idea Sven, which way to Seths office? rest

Sven: [Points to a huge yellow door at the end of the corridor] Right through there. Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2017 12:19 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.136

To: dom >

Cc: scott groves >, Heather >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, Tom Henderson >

Sven: [Points to a huge yellow door at the end of the corridor] Right through there.

Dave: Har! That is so obvious it is disturbing. Even to me!!!

Alice: Hurrah! We're the supreme finding-door-champions of the Universe! Well done, Dave! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2017 1:42 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.137

To: scott groves >

Cc: Heather >, >, Tom Henderson >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >

Alice: Hurrah! We're the supreme finding-door-champions of the Universe! Well done, Dave!

Dave: let us stride forth and smash in Seths back door!

Dur: Just take it slow my muscular, axe-wielding maniac. Back doors have to be eased in to.

Alice: Hurrah! We're the supreme finding-door-champions of the

Austin: Let's try the silent approach first [Sidles up to the door and rest tries to pick the lock if there is one]

Austin: [To Dur] I concur with Dur. [Shrugs] First time for everything I rest suppose.

[AUSTIN gingerly opens the door, which wasn't even locked.]

Alice: Alright! That was fast!

Charlie: Splendid work, Mr. Sleaze! [Attempts to cautiously enter the office]

Austin: [To Charlie] Very good Sarge, please lead on. rest

[CHARLIE slowly opens the door, but then pushes it wide open to reveal that there is just a corridor here, that ends in a green door.]

Alice: Pretty plain looking office, isn't it?

Clint: [Sagely] That's just what they want you to think! Let's see if we can't find the secret door here in the hall.

Alice: There's a door at the end. we

Charlie: [To Alice] Perhaps it is a classic distraction, to keep us from looking for secret doors! [To Clint] Mr. Scar, do look for a secret door whilst I investigate this one! [Carefully tries the green door]

Alice: Ah... the old fake door trick. Daddy tried that on me when I was a teenager, when they replaced the door to my bedroom with a fake door so I couldn't get out at night.

[CHARLIE creeps up to the green door and slowly opens it, revealing it to be even less of a fake door than the one in ALICE's bedroom.]

Dur: [Peering into the door] A trap or trick maybe?

Clint: That'd be my guess... [Looks around for a less obvious door in the hall. ]

[Inside the door is yet another one, this time it is blue. CLINT and ALICE search around in the corridor but find nothing.]

Alice: Is there a different door here?

Aphi: Yes, to your right.

Alice: [Moves to her left] Here?

Aphi: No, your other right.

Alice: [Moves to her right] Here?

Aphi: Up a bit.

Alice: [Moves up a bit] Here?

Aphi: Another bit.

Alice: [Moves up another bit] Here?

Aphi: Another bit.

Alice: I'm becoming enraged.

Aphi: [Laughs] Bam! Got you! The office is through the blue door.

Alice: [To the party] I'm starting to think that maybe releasing a bunch of devils from hell isn't such a good idea. They're WAY more annoying than I expected!

Dur: [Eyeing Alice specifically] I know the feeling! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Monday, January 16, 2017 1:14 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.150

To: Tom Henderson >

Cc: Heather >, scott groves >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, dom >, Tom Henderson > [Inside the door is yet another one, this time it is blue. CLINT and ALICE search around in the corridor but find nothing.]

Alice: Is there a different door here?

Aphi: Yes, to your right.

Alice: [Moves to her left] Here?

Aphi: No, your other right.

Alice: [Moves to her right] Here?

Aphi: Up a bit.

Alice: [Moves up a bit] Here?

Aphi: Another bit.

Alice: [Moves up another bit] Here?

Aphi: Another bit.

Alice: I'm becoming enraged.

Aphi: [Laughs] Bam! Got you! The office is through the blue door.

Alice: [To the party] I'm starting to think that maybe releasing a bunch of devils from hell isn't such a good idea. They're WAY more annoying than I expected!

Dave: Har! They are aren't they? [ sucks finger then attempts to stick it into Peters ear as a "wet willy"]

Austin: Well, apart from Sven and Peter, obviously. [Looks disgustedly at rest the 'Wet Willly']

[In a surprisingly fast move, PETER flips DAVE over on his back.]

Austin: [Beaming a smile of satisfaction] Brilliant! Just, brilliant. rest

Sven: [Guffaws at Dave before helping him up] He got you there!


;;; Heather is afk today

Charlie: Please! Enough of this horseplay! [To the Seths] Why don't you come and show us where the office is?

Bjorseth: We can't go beyond the yellow door until you open the secret passage. Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Monday, January 16, 2017 3:03 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.152

To: dom >

Cc: scott groves >, Heather >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, Tom Henderson > [In a surprisingly fast move, PETER flips DAVE over on his back.]

Dave: [looks surprised... then happy and mildly impressed] HAR! Maybe you are not just all sarcasm and diffidence! Maybe you will be useful! Maybe I won't kill you after all!

Peter: [Deadpan] Hooray. Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Monday, January 16, 2017 3:53 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.153

To: scott groves >

Cc: Heather >, >, Tom Henderson >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >

Peter: [Deadpan] Hooray.

Dave: Har. So many revelations I am having! Maybe we ask these nice former Seths how to get out of hell now?

Alice: [To the Seths] How do we get out of hell now?

Sven: The same way it was a minute ago -- through the secret passage in the office!

Charlie: Very well, we shall stay the course! [Goes to open the blue door]

[Yet another door! Red, this time.]

Alice: I'm starting to think that Peter Deadpan designed this!

Austin: Whoever it was they certainly like doors. [Sighs at the sight of rest the Red door]

Alice: In fact, you could say they find them a....doorable! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2017 4:00 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.158

To: dom >

Cc: Heather >, scott groves >, >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >, Tom Henderson >

Alice: In fact, you could say they find them a....doorable!

Dave: [ facepalm]

Clint: You *could* say that, but you shouldn't!

Alice: Do we keep going? Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2017 4:58 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.161

To: Tom Henderson >

Cc: scott groves >, Heather >, >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >

Alice: Do we keep going

Dave: Har! I am for seeing where this all leads ! After all "as one door opens there will probably be a draft" as my dear grandmother used to say - until

Alice: Until.... someone finishes our....

Aphi: Sandwiches! Bam! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Conor Ryan >

Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2017 12:58 am

Subject: [qv] 03.07.162

To: scott groves >

Cc: Heather >, >, Tom Henderson >, dom >, Tom Henderson >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >

Alice: Until.... someone finishes our....

Aphi: Sandwiches! Bam!

Dave: Har! Shall I charge the door like a ram and see if I can crash through several to speed the process? I find myself wanting to do this....

Austin: [To Dave] Please, give it your best shot [Gestures towards the rest door]

Alice: Agreed! Who knows how many more of these doors there are! We might as well speed it up.

Charlie: Let's give him a cheering chant! [Claps hands and gestures for the others to join] Dave! Dave! Dave! Get Outlook for iOS _____________________________

From: Heather >

Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2017 12:57 pm

Subject: [qv] 03.07.165

To: Conor Ryan >

Cc: scott groves >, >, Tom Henderson >, dom >, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA >, Tom Henderson >

Charlie: Let's give him a cheering chant! [Claps hands and gestures for the others to join] Dave! Dave! Dave!

Dave: [Gleefully bellows and launches at the doors with the full intention of smashing through as far as stupidly- er- heroically? Possible....]


;;; out for rest of day

Dur: What if the doors go on forever?

Alice: Or if someone opened it just as he is about to smash into it? [Joins the chant] Dave! Dave!

[DAVE crashes into the door and smashes straight through, revealing a large wooden door inside. The wooden door is quite different to the coloured ones.]

Sven: Haw! That's a viking for you! That's the office, the secret passage is in there!

Charlie: [Claps her hands delightedly] How wonderful! Our refusal to accept defeat has yielded victory! [Goes to open the wooden door]


;;; Out for the day, too!
[As CHARLIE touches the door, the yellow door shuts, followed by the green, then the blue and finally the red, so that all the party are inside the red door, just in front of the wooden one.]

Alice: Looks like we're stuck here!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act III, Scene VIII. The Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, standing in a nicely appointed room.]

Alice: So... I guess we need to figure out where the secret passage is?

The Room

Clint: Surveys say the best odds are either in the fireplace or behind

the bookcase. [Checks there, not expecting to find much.]
[CLINT is not surprised to find nothing.]

Alice: I think it'll be way more annoying than that. Maybe we should check the place for clues?


;;; To check somewhere for clues, just say where you want your character to look, but please
;;; only check one place at a time. Kevin, I'll send you the image separately

Dur: So to find the secret passage we just have to think like an evil deity? [Frowns at the group] That should be surprisingly easy for some of you... [Checks the creepy baby head bust]

Clint: [Inspired] I'll just.... uh... check the swords one at a time. By the way, if they're real, you guys want one?

[As CLINT and DUR approach the bust/swords, the middle panel of the larger chest of drawers pops open, revealing what appears to be a framed picture of some gummy bears.]

Alice: [Steps in front of Dur] No eating!

The bears

Dur: [Stomach growling threateningly] But look, there's already 1 missing! Surely they wouldn't miss just a few more...

Clint: [To Dur.] Go on, push the red one!

Dur: [Salivating] It does look to be the tastiest, doesn't it? [Reaches out for the picture of the red gummi bear]

[To DUR's obvious dismay, it is just a picture and not an actual gummy bear.]

Austin: Perhaps it is a puzzle and we have to work out what colour the rest missing bear was? Looks like a job for the Sarge [Ponders] Or I guess it could be a mathematical puzzle, what do you think Alice?

Alice: I suspect it's a logic puzzle, so I don't think that just one of us can solve it. [Looks at the smaller drawers around the one that opened] Hey! I think these ones aren't drawers at all!

Austin: [Carefully checks the drawers] Quite astute, they are not drawers, rest they are buttons! drawers, they are buttons!

Charlie: Do they correspond in some way to the bears? Perhaps the bears form a pattern or some sort of code? [Examines the button/drawers]

Austin: Perhaps we just need to press the button in the equivalent rest position to the red bear [Ponders] Or perhaps that will kill us all. Perhaps Dur could press that button?

Dur: [Hopefully] Perhaps I will get a gummy bear from it?

Alice: You can have ten! [To the party] Come on, he's almost certainly going to get killed, so we might as well promise him something nice!

Dur: Woohoo! [Presses the recommended button]

Alice: Which button are you going to press? And how do we know it's only one? Maybe it's a combination or something? After all, there are ten smaller drawers, aren't there?

Charlie: There are more bears than drawers, so there's no direct correlation. Perhaps the colors indicate numbers? For instance, the number of green is one number, etc? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! It doesn't 'bear' thinking about does it?

Austin: That would make 666 and a red gummy bear. rest Sent from my iPhone On 19 Jan 2017, at 15:17, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: There are more bears than drawers, so there's no direct correlation. Perhaps the colors indicate numbers? For instance, the number of green is one number, etc?

Austin: That would make 666 and a red gummy bear. rest

Dave: so the red gummy bear probably depicts Seth? I'm trying to keep up but these abstract issues are difficult to focus on...... oooooo gummy bears!

Alice: Why would it be 666?

Clint: Because there are six of each other color of bear and 666 sounds like a good answer in hell?

Alice: We probably need to be more sure than "it sounds like". Maybe it's a combination?

Austin: [Looks around] But a combination to what? [Searches the room, rest pocketing any small but highly valuable items]

Clint: If it's a combination, what order would the numbers go in? Maybe red, yellow, green, blue, like in a rainbow?

Alice: Hm, if only there was something that give us a clue about the order of the colours.

Dur: Perhaps some more investigation is required? [Picks up the book on the ground] Look Charlie, your specialty! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [shrugs in response to Clint- watches Austin- and follows his lead, but rather picking up interesting,other than necessarily pocketable, items]


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: [Looks at the book] Well done, Dur! It is an excellent book on the financial systems employed in hell, the first of what appears to be twenty volumes. However, it seems unlikely that we would simply have to search every book and item in this room for a clue as to what order the colours should be interpreted in. Think, group, was there any hint as we got to this room?

Austin: Well, the colours of the doors,obviously. What has that got to do rest with anything? [Shrugs and looks around]

Alice: They give an order, don't they?

Alice: They give an order, don't they?

Austin: But does it matter what order 6, 6 and 6 are? [Searches around, rest cupboards, fireplace, in books and bookshelf etc]

Alice: It surely matters where the 1 comes?

[AUSTIN finds nothing that is obviously a clue to a secret passage.]
passage.]

Charlie: [Thinks back, muttering] First yellow, next green, then red--no blue first! [Claps her hands] Right! The doors were yellow, green, blue, and red, in that order. Let's try 6 yellow, 6 green, six blue, and 1 red, in that order! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I'm not sure what she is talking about but something about the way she is saying it is giving me a frisson of excitement.

Alice: So we press the drawers in that order?

Dur: Or open them in that order?

Alice: I think the drawers are buttons -- didn't Aus say that?


;;; Surprisingly, she is correct!
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ slowly checking he understands] so press the little. It tons that look like draws, to coincide with the order of the coloured doors, following the pattern of the gummy bears in the picture?

Dur: Or open them in that order?

Austin: [To Dur, slowly] Press [Does a slow pressing action. Then Sighs] rest I'll do it then! [Tries pressing the buttons/draws in the specified order]

Alice: [To Dave, as Austin starts to press] That's right. [Thinks, just as the first button is pressed] Or maybe it's the reverse order because it should go from here back out?

[The fireplace bursts to life as AUSTIN presses the last button, and the big drawer at the bottom of the chest the party are working on opens.]

Dur: Please be a gummy bear, please be a gummy bear, please be a gummy bear... [Peeks into the drawer] as the first button is pressed] Or maybe it's the reverse order because it should go from here back out? and the big drawer at the bottom of the chest the party are working on opens.] bear... [Peeks into the drawer]

Charlie: [Looks into the drawer] Oh, how thrilling! [To Dur] Though if it is a gummy bear, do wait until we ensure it isn't a clue before you consume it!

[The drawer is empty, but cut into the base are the numbers "4,8,15,16,23".]
it consume

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oh, is it another combination? Or a puzzle? [Ponders the numbers]


;;; Out for the rest of the day! Happy mathin'!

Alice: I'll tell you what it's not, and that's [pause for effect] a-doorable! [Beams at the others, as though expecting applause.]

[None comes.]

Alice: Aw, come on! Remember when I said that a little while ago and everyone thought it was super cute? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: if you want to push our buttons- there are some right there.

Alice: [Excited and oblivious] Where? Where?
;;; Traveling back to Ireland Monday, so no posts until THURSDAY, but
;;; we'll be back on normal hours of operation for the next few months after that On 20 January 2017 at 16:43, Conor Ryan

wrote: Okay mate! Scott Sent from my iPhone

[ALICE looks at the fireplace.]

Alice: I don't see any buttons!

Charlie: [Looks around] Perhaps the numbers correlate to one of these books? [Examines the book case, looking for the numbers on the spines of the books] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [uncertainly and to Alice] were those little drawers not buttons? [will test them randomly- He is sure we pressed them as buttons but Alice's confusion is infectious]

Alice: They are, but the gummy bears referred to them. Surely these numbers refer to something about the fireplace?

[CHARLIE quickly scans the books but there's nothing obvious there.]
[will test them randomly- He is sure we pressed them as buttons but Alice's confusion is infectious] there.]

Charlie: Well, it did seem to start the fire, I suppose! [Does a quick scan of the fireplace, looking for any evidence of the digits] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will close his eyes, start humming and begin randomly prancing about touching things, pulling things- books, the wall, ornaments, he will certainly throw some random items into the air ]

Alice: [Ducking to avoid a book] Yeesh, Dave! We might need to find these later! Why don't you leave them alone? [Stands beside Charlie] I don't see any numbers either. Maybe the numbers refer to some part of the fireplace?


;;; Out for 2.5 hours!

Austin: [Swerves a flying vase, deftly catching it and placing it in a rest safe spot. To Alice] Perhaps we could give him some paper and crayons to amuse himself with whilst we do the work? Sent from my iPhone On 26 Jan 2017, at 15:36, dom >

wrote:

Alice: [Ducking to avoid a book] Yeesh, Dave! We might need to find these later! Why don't you leave them alone? [Stands beside Charlie] I don't see any numbers either. Maybe the numbers refer to some part of the fireplace?

Austin: [Swerves a flying vase, deftly catching it and placing it in a safe spot. To Alice] Perhaps we could give him some paper and crayons to amuse himself with whilst we do the work? rest Dave:Har! I am letting the forces of inevitability guide me by emptying my mind and acting on pure impulse! I let the Great Architect guide me to solve our predicament! Anyway it is actually rather liberating!

Clint: Could the numbers refer to these stripes here?


;;; accidentally sent only to Conor earlier...

Alice: [To Austin] Good idea -- that'll fill him up and make him sleepy. [Hands Dave some crayons] The red one tastes like berries, [angry face] although the yellow one tastes like burn. [To Clint] You could be right! What numbers correspond to red and black? Or do we count them out?

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, perhaps we press the corresponding tiles in order? [Tries to press the fourth tile from the left in the row above the fireplace]

[The tile sinks in with a satisfying click.]
order?

Charlie: [Claps her hands in delight] Marvelous, I have solved the puzzle! [Tries to press the 8th tile next, followed by the 15th, 16th, and 23rd]

[Each tile gives a loud click, barely audible over CHARLIE's smugness. As she presses the final one, the flames suddenly go out.]

Austin: Well we know how to turn the fire on and off, which is nice, but rest [Ponders] Is it possible that the fire is the exit from hell? Perhaps a jolly brave soul like Dur could test that idea? Sent from my iPhone On 26 Jan 2017, at 17:38, dom >

wrote:

[Each tile gives a loud click, barely audible over CHARLIE's smugness. As she presses the final one, the flames suddenly go out.]

Austin: Well we know how to turn the fire on and off, which is nice, but [Ponders] Is it possible that the fire is the exit from hell? Perhaps a jolly brave soul like Dur could test that idea? rest

Dave: [ looking up from mess of crayons and frenzied runic scrawling on the floor]HAR! I am also brave like Dur! What glorious, Ill conceived and likely fatal deed can I undertake??

Alice: Maybe look in the fireplace to see if there's something there? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [gleefully presses button to turn fire off and then tries clambering into fireplace... will look about for secret doors...or see if he is transported elsewhere..] but the likely

Charlie: [Peers into the fireplace] Oh, I do hope it's a secret passage to a hidden room!

[DAVE smashes around in the fireplace but finds nothing, except for one brick that is hollow, which breaks.]

Alice: [Excited] Is it a secret passage?

[After much grunting and stretching, DAVE pulls out a small metal box.]

Dur: [Scratching his head] I thought we were looking for a secret passage. Certainly that can't be it, can it?

Alice: Don't be ridic, Dur! That's not a secret passage, it's obviously some sort of teleportation device. Open it up, Dave, so we can all get into the box! passage. Certainly that can't be it, can it?

Charlie: [Eagerly examines the box in Dave's hands] Is it solid, or can you open it?

Austin: [Studying the box] Gently! rest

Alice: [Grimaces at Austin's words] Yeesh, Aus, you might as well tell Clint to open it without stinking it up, or Dur to open up a patient without killing them!

Austin: Well he can learn, everyone has to start somewhere. Not everyone rest was born perfect [Checks his perfect nails and smiles] Well, nearly everyone. Sent from my iPhone On 27 Jan 2017, at 15:34, dom >

wrote:

Alice: [Grimaces at Austin's words] Yeesh, Aus, you might as well tell Clint to open it without stinking it up, or Dur to open up a patient without killing them!

Austin: Well he can learn, everyone has to start somewhere. Not everyone was born perfect [Checks his perfect nails and smiles] Well, nearly everyone. rest

Dave: [will, with delicacy, attempt to open the box and examine contents ]

[With surprising grace, DAVE opens the box to reveal a piece of paper which he reveals to the party. Written on it is the following "3 - 4 - 151 - 59 3 - 5 - 101 - 32 3 - 2 - 27 - 12 3 - 4 - 104 - 6 3 - 4 - 104 - 7"]
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR!! Clues!! [ will hand over to Charlie, or Alice. Will look very pleased with himself] contents ] pleased with himself]

Charlie: [Eagerly reaches for the box] Well done, Dave! [Awkwardly pats Dave on the head and shows the numbers to the party] What do we make of these?

Clint: That this secret door had better be freaking worth it?

Alice: That it smells slightly worse because of Clint's proximity to it? [Looks more closely the paper] Well, the first number in each line is the same, so maybe that means something?

Dur: Well, you ARE the mathematical genius aren't you? Does it mean something to YOU?

Alice: Let's see... the first word is... Dur! Then we have is... and then a... then poopy... and I think that final word is probably head.

Dur: [Staring at the paper intently] Hrmmm. Well that is certainly an odd message to hide in a hidden box inside a hidden compartment inside a fireplace...

Alice: [Shrugs] Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em. I AM the mathematical genius, after all!

Austin: They could be references to words on books? 3rd book, 4th chapter, rest page 151, word 59?

Clint: If they told us what page it was on, we probably wouldn't need to know which chapter it was in... but maybe it's 3rd shelf, 4th book, page 151, word 59? Sent from my iPhone On 27 Jan 2017, at 20:47, Tom Henderson >

wrote:

Alice: [Shrugs] Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em. I AM the mathematical genius, after all!

Austin: They could be references to words on books? 3rd book, 4th chapter, page 151, word 59? rest

Clint: If they told us what page it was on, we probably wouldn't need to know which chapter it was in... but maybe it's 3rd shelf, 4th book, page 151, word 59?

Dave: [ looks guilty and glances at the books scattered around the room, torn and crayoned...]

Alice: Thankfully Dave didn't crayon up anything on the third shelf, and look, only some of the shelves don't have books strewn on top, so it's easier to count the books there, and the third shelf is one of them!

Charlie: Finally, the books!! How marvelous! [Races to the third shelf to take the fourth book and flips to page 151] Let's see [counting words until she finds the 59th one] . . . .

[Everyone gathers around CHARLIE to watch as she counts out the words.]

Charlie: ... stab!

Alice: It certainly sounds like the kind of word you'd expect in hell! words.]

Charlie: Hurry, let us check the other words! Mr. Sleaze and [regards the party skeptically] anyone else claiming literacy, take another tome and let us crack this code!

[The party divide the work between them and come up with the following sentence, "Stab Baby Without Third Poop."]

Alice: [Who's contribution was the word "poop"] That doesn't make much sense, does it?

Dur: Perhaps we should double check our work?

Clint: Well, it makes *some* sense, which means we're on the right track here. Maybe we stab the baby with all but the third sword?

Alice: [Annoyed] It clearly says "s" word in my one, why would that be sword? [Shows her book, which, of course, does say "sword". track

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] More baby killing?! [Spots the hideous baby bust] Oh, thank goodness, not a literal baby! [Goes eagerly for the swords above the baby bust]


;;; Hahaha! Way to get inside Alice's head, Tom!

Alice: [Nervously] Yeah, we've never killed a baby!

[There are seven swords behind the baby's bust.]

Alice: So what do we do?


;;; Agreed, I was actually really impressed you knew what
;;; she was talking about. Alice is way too polite to ever
;;; say the "s-word"!

Clint: We decide which one is third?


;;; Hadn't a clue, in fact! Just assumed that swords would be better stabbing implements
;;; and that Alice had miscounted. I was trying to come up with sentences that had both
;;; poop and sword and not having much luck!

Austin: Hmm, the third sword from the left, or the third from the right? I rest guess we should go with the omitting the third from the left?

Alice: Agreed -- we should count from the left. [Points to the gold coloured sword] All but that one? So, we each grab a sword and stab the baby?

Clint: We counted books from the left, right? So I agree too. Let's stab the statue on three! [Grabs a sword.] stab the statue on three! [Grabs a sword.]

Charlie: [Grabs a sword with gusto] Agreed! Everyone ready? One, two--


;;; She'll say "three" and stab the baby bust unless the GM
;;; says otherwise!

All: Three!

[Everyone stabs the bust at the same time, and swords sink in surprisingly easily. As they do, the bust becomes unbearably bright, causing everyone to shield their eyes, but to no avail, and everyone passes out.]


;;; End of act, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act IV, Scene I. The Raft. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, lying unconscious on a raft, which is drifting along a slow moving but very wide river.]

Alice: [Slowly waking up] What the s-word just happened? [Starts to shake the others] Come on! Wake up! Wake up! Oh my god, I might have to eat them to stay alive! [Looks at Clint] Hm, maybe I'll just starve to death!


;;; When you're ready to post, make sure you have your character waking up!

Austin: [Wakes up, and frantically check Maplin and the his suit. Looks rest around] So we're not in hell anymore? [Check his hair in his pocket mirror]

Clint: [Wakes up groggily.] Where the hell are we now?

Dur: [Groans sitting up] I haven’t passed out that hard since that time I ate that dumpster full of rotten hard-boiled eggs. Where are we? [Stomach grumbling] Anyone have any hard-boiled eggs? around] So we're not in hell anymore? [Check his hair in his pocket mirror] ate that dumpster full of rotten hard-boiled eggs. Where are we? [Stomach grumbling] Anyone have any hard-boiled eggs?

Charlie: [Awakens with a start, looking around in alarm] Oh, dear--we must still be in Hell! [To the party, mournfully] I always suspected it would involve camping and camping-related pursuits! Sent from my iPhone On 30 Jan 2017, at 17:15, dom >

wrote:

[Book X, Act IV, Scene I. The Raft. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, lying unconscious on a raft, which is drifting along a slow moving but very wide river.]

Alice: [Slowly waking up] What the s-word just happened? [Starts to shake the others] Come on! Wake up! Wake up! Oh my god, I might have to eat them to stay alive! [Looks at Clint] Hm, maybe I'll just starve to death!


;;; When you're ready to post, make sure you have your character waking up!

Austin: [Wakes up, and frantically check Maplin and the his suit. Looks around] So we're not in hell anymore? [Check his hair in his pocket mirror] rest

Dave: [ likely waking up cuddling someone or something- will yawn - stretch- throw arms] MOTHER!! COFFEEE!!!!!!

Alice: [Looking around] Oh, please, camping is great fun! Swimming pools, gorgeous hotels, flunkies bringing you food... what's not to like!?

Austin: Camping in hotels? What a fabulous idea. [Sighs, looking around] I rest think we might be a long way from a hotel. [Looks down stream for danger] I think we might be a long way from a hotel. [Looks down stream for danger]

Charlie: [Looks at the shores] Perhaps we should get to solid ground while we decide our next move?

Alice: Sure, but how? There are no spanking things here? And look, up ahead, is that smoke?

[It is, coming from up ahead, around the riverbend.]

Austin: Paddles, Alice. rest

Alice: [Excited] Where? [Calms down] Er, I mean, that's right, there are no paddles!

[The raft is drifting fairly quickly towards the source of the smoke.]
smoke.]

Charlie: [Strains to see the smoke] Oh, what is it? Perhaps a bonfire for teens to misbehave aside?

Dur: [Shrieks suddenly and horrendously as he realizes where he is while crawling and clawing his way to the dead center of the raft, hugging his knees to his chest and shaking in terror] I…is t.tthat… w…w….water?!

Alice: Oh, calm down! It's only water, it can't harm you! [Playfully splashes Dur, only to pull her hand out very quickly, narrowly avoiding losing it to a massive crocodile] Help!

Austin: [Looks for ways to get to the shore without dying] Perhaps if the rest crocodiles had been fed, we would be able to swim to safety? [Casually glances at Dur, then the crocodiles]

Alice: [Looks at Dur] He does look rather delicious, doesn't he? [The raft keeps drifting towards the smoke, and there doesn't seem to be any way of getting off that doesn't involve swimming through the crocodile infested water]

Dur: I am rather delicious. Sadly I am not going anywhere near that w..w..water!

Alice: Oh, take it easy, Croc-Food, no one's going to put in the water. [Gives Austin a big wink] raft keeps drifting towards the smoke, and there doesn't seem to be any way of getting off that doesn't involve swimming through the crocodile infested water] w..w..water!

Charlie: [Weighs the choices] Perhaps the smoke presents less of a danger than these hungry creatures! [Tries to see the source of the smoke]

[The raft drifts around the bend and the party can see up ahead there's a small, walled town that the smoke is coming from. It appears as though a large ship has smashed through the wall.]

Clint: Hey, pirates! This should be good.


;;; Is there a ticking crocodile? If so, send him my way so my alarm can have some company!

Alice: Will it? It looks like we're going to crash into them!

[This is true, the raft is drifting towards the ship.]
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Pirates??? I love Pirates!!

[A well-dressed man peers over the side of the ship, this is ASHER KLEIN.]

Asher: I say! This is our town! Be on your way, you, er... [checks a piece of paper] landlubbers!

Asher Klein Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ visibly disappointed] Are you not rapacious pirates then?

Asher: We certainly are! Now, be off with you! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR!! You can't be a real pirate!! You didn't say ARRRRR !!!!

Austin: He certainly does not look like a pirate, I should know. He is rest wearing a designer suit for heavens sake. Sent from my iPhone On 1 Feb 2017, at 11:35, dom >

wrote:

Dave: HAR!! You can't be a real pirate!! You didn't say ARRRRR !!!!

Austin: He certainly does not look like a pirate, I should know. He is wearing a designer suit for heavens sake. rest

Dave: A corporate raider then?

Charlie: [Nods at Dave's suggestion] Oh, that must be it! [To Asher] Are you some sort of corporate criminal? You do not appear to adhere to tradition pirate-of-the-sea norms! On 1 February 2017 at 12:43, Heather

wrote:

Asher: How dare you! We are fearsome pirates who have taken this town. Leave before we have to kill you and make you walk the bank. Plank!

Austin: It sounds as thought you could use some expert legal advice, here rest is my card if you are interested [Wraps his business card around a shot and tries to fire it at Asher]

Dur: [Still shivering] Death by pirate sounds better than death by water. Get me off this raft!

Asher: [Ducks to avoid the shot, and pops up again, now wearing an outrageously over the top pirate hat with an arrow sticking out of it] Hey! I could have been killed! This is war! Now, turn your raft around and drive on!

Dur: We can't! We have no directional capabilities on this thing! Can't you just rescue us and kill us at your leisure, please?

Charlie: [Covers her head and calls out] We would like nothing more, but we haven't any spanking devices! [To the party] Brace for impact, group!

[The raft hits the ship with an impossibly delicate tap that sends the party careering back and forth like some sort of Star Trek effect, but, miraculously, no one falls overboard.]

Asher: Help! Help! We're under attack! [Ducks down for a moment and then peers over the edge] I've got like, a hundred pirates here, and they'll start shooting you with cannonballs unless you get out of there now.

Clint: No you don't. Now step aside, won't you?


;;; Accidentally sent just to Conor

Austin: Use your olfactory offensive Mr Scar, he looks particularly rest susceptible.

Clint: [Obligingly tries to stand nearby but upwind.]

[Fortunately for ASHER, he is too high up in the pirate ship to smell CLINT too much.]

Asher: Okay, so look, we don't have a hundred pirates on board, but the first mate has just arrived, he'll be able to negotiate on behalf of the captain.

Austin: [Sighs in relief] At least they are not hipsters.[Looks for a way rest on to the ship]

Alice: Yeah, these guys are more like... Shipsters!

[It will be difficult to get on board, but not impossible, as there is some rope netting over the side. Enter BARNABY LAUREN, another suspiciously well-dressed pirate.]

Barnaby: Hail there, fellow Irates!

Barnaby Lauren

Dur: Don't you mean, P-Irates?

Dave: Har! How about you cast us a rope and we come aboard and engage in dialogue? Or if you'd rather we can enjoy an invigorating old fashioned bit of bloody conflict? I'm game either way!

Barnaby: Oh, I thought it was Irates, because we're so angry all the time. We can't let you aboard, old chap, and the captain says that Japetus is ours, you need to find your own town. However, as a token of goodwill, he will offer you the hand of a beautiful virgin!

Dur: [Aside to the rest of the group] It seems like a fair offer. After all I AM starving! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: could we have the whole thing ?

Barnaby: Certainly! Here you go -- now be off with you! [Throws down a suspiciously small parcel]

Charlie: [Looks at the parcel in disgust. To Dur] Don't you DARE eat that! [To Barnaby] We do not wish to alarm you, but we really must seek shelter here from this river of hungry crocodiles! [Attempts to climb the rope netting]

Barnaby: [Starts to shake the netting] Hey! You've got the hand! Now get out of here!

Austin: Please Dur, do take a look inside the package.[tries to climb on rest board]


;;;; busy day.

Barnaby: Stop this instant! [Holds up a bucket] I'll pour this over you unless you step off!

[AUSTIN and CHARLIE are about halfway up, and ALICE joins them too.]

Alice: Board the ship, mateys!

Charlie: [To Barnaby, scoffing] A mere dousing with water is not enough to deter our party!

Alice: Not all of us, at any rate!

Barnaby: [Sneers] Fools! This is way worse than water! [Upends the bucket.]

[The party are doused in what appear to be 1980s cellular phones, which are disappointingly heavy and hurt quite a bit. Those on the rope try to cling on.]

Alice: Ow! That really hurts! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ eyes flaring with maniacal joy] HAR!!! Good times !!! Time to kill!!! [ will go full Viking - attempting to scale the vessel and unleash frenzied and wanton destruction- he is actually incensed at the telephonic shower- and even more so at what appears to have been the severed hand of an innocent]

Dave: [ eyes flaring with maniacal joy] HAR!!! Good times !!! Time to kill!!! [ will go full Viking - attempting to scale the vessel and unleash frenzied and wanton destruction- he is actually incensed at the telephonic shower- and even more so at what appears to have been the severed hand of an innocent] AUstin

: [Dodging mobiles] this is suprisingly good fun! .[holds a dagger between his teeth and tries to climb further ]

Austin: [Dodging mobiles] this is suprisingly good fun! .[holds a dagger between his teeth and tries to climb further ] rest

Dur: [Tucks the package under one arm and tries to scale the netting] Hey, if you stop that I can offer you the hand of a virgin!

Barnaby: Sucker! He wasn't even a virgin!

[AUSTIN and CHARLIE reach the top, only for BARNABY and ASHER to take out swords and swipe at them; however, they both stay too low down to get hit.]

Asher: Let's cut the rope!

Barnaby: Sucker! He wasn't even a virgin!

[AUSTIN and CHARLIE reach the top, only for BARNABY and ASHER to take out swords and swipe at them; however, they both stay too low down to get hit.]

Asher: Let's cut the rope! Austin

: [To Asher] Why waste your time! You could ask us to do it for you!

Asher: [Throws a mobile phone at Austin, heading him in the face] What do you think we are? Idiots? [Drops his sword, narrowly missing the party] Oops!

[Everyone is now on the rope, and clearly panic is setting in for BARNABY, who starts to cut the ropes.]

Charlie: [Tries to push Barnaby away from the ropes] Hurry, group!

[The party make a huge push and clamber over the side of the ship, as BARNABY swings his sword at CHARLIE, catching her in the side. ASHER pulls out a dagger and stabs AUSTIN.]

Asher: You liars! You took our virgin hand! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Ooooo you rapscallions! You have put a new cut to Austin's suit![ will crash in whirling his axe in aggressive defence of Charlie- seeking to asset strip the heads from the corporate bodies]

Dave: Ooooo you rapscallions! You have put a new cut to Austin's suit![

Austin: [Screams] That was the most beautiful suit ever made! It was less rest than four hours old! [Tries to stab or kill Asher]

Clint: Hawaii! [Takes the simpler approach of trying to throw or push Asher into a river full of ravenous crocodiles.]
;;; autocorrect is the bane of my life.

[AUSTIN stabs ASHER, sending him staggering back against the side of the boat, before CLINT barges him over the side. The ensuing frenzy of crocodiles and blood suggests that he doesn't survive long. Either that or he's killed a bunch of crocodiles with his bare hands.]

Alice: [Looking inland towards a small town] Look! That's where the rest of them are. There must be a hundred of them, surrounding that church. I wonder where all the people are? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I have never understood religion. Distracting folks from perfectly good pillaging.must be a really good service for them all to be trying to get in like that.

Clint: So are we going to rescue the village people here or should we just sort of... liberate this ship?

Alice: Oh! The people are IN the church? [Looks at the package] Are we really going to leave them here with a bunch of Irates who are capable of that?

Charlie: Goodness, no! I hardly think them capable of THAT! I suspect they found it in a ditch outside a brothel.

Alice: Agreed! Considering how they attacked us, battle hardened adventurers, what must they be doing to the one handed virgins? On 3 February 2017 at 08:57, Conor Ryan

wrote:


;;; Quiet day in Queens View! It's about to get quieter as we're off
;;; for the weekend

Charlie: Let us investigate! [Dramatically] To the church, group!

Austin: Surely it would be better to let them all fight each other, and rest then mop up the remainders? Sent from my iPhone On 6 Feb 2017, at 11:26, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: Let us investigate! [Dramatically] To the church, group!

Austin: Surely it would be better to let them all fight each other, and then mop up the remainders? rest

Dave: why would that be better? We'd miss out on the unfair odds, terrible danger and bloody slaughter... ah! You are teasing of course! Hohoho you nearly got me....

Alice: Maybe the people in the church are innocent? Not all religious types are evil... are they? Anyway, won't someone please think of the one handed virgin?

Dur: Oh Dear Alice, I have thought of nothing else! Do you think it would be better in a stew or served with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti?

Alice: What would be nicer? And don't say virgin hand!

Charlie: [Scolding] We haven't time to cook human remains! Let us aid those hapless virgins who still might enjoy having both hands, for virgins need their hands very much, indeed!

Alice: [Resting against a cannon gun] Do we have enough fire power to take on the pirates?

Clint: That depends on how they're armed! Does anyone know how we could lead or crocodile army here?

Austin: [Shrugs] Does anyone know how to work a cannon? Sarge, do you have rest expertise in the area of Artillery?

Alice: Oh please! I've seen it before -- it's easy. Let's just find their stash of dwarves and gunpowder and then point and click! Sent from my iPhone On 6 Feb 2017, at 17:17, dom >

wrote:

Alice: [Resting against a cannon gun] Do we have enough fire power to take on the pirates?

Austin: [Shrugs] Does anyone know how to work a cannon? Sarge, do you have expertise in the area of Artillery? rest

Dave: hmmm... let's smear Austin or Dur with decaying meat and they can then tempt the crocodiles into pursuing them! Though it would be a relatively relaxed kind of charge.. I don't think crocodiles run very fast...

Dur: [Suddenly very interested in the plan] Did someone say decaying meat?

Alice: No, that's just Clint. [Picks up a handy telescope and looks inland] Wow! That church way further away than I thought! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will gently turn the telescope around for Alice]

Alice: Woah! They're suddenly really close! It looks like there's a bunch of those well dressed pirates getting ready to set the church on fire.

Charlie: Well, religion IS a lot of superstitious nonsense, though that's hardly any reason to burn brain-washed villagers alive! [Boldly] To the church! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [whips out favourite axe and without ado will start foaming at the mouth ripping off clothing and setting forth in a berserk frenzy ] All things dark and dangerous! All pirates tall or fat, all things I can hack apart, I thank you Lord for thaaaaaaat!!!!! (To the tune of all things bright and beautiful)

Alice: There are about fifty pirates there and, depending on which way you point this thing, they're either very big or really, really small!

Charlie: We must assume they are very big, to be safe. [Looks around hopefully] Did I hear one of you say you knew a bit about the use of cannons?

Alice: If by "expert at cannonology" you mean once sat in the audience in a circus where a dwarf was fired from a cannon directly into a custard pie, then yes! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ charging] HAAR!! They will be a head shorter in a minute!

Alice: [Tutting sympathetically] He's not the head, he's called the captain. [Watching Dave start to climb over the rail] Is a full on attack really going to work out for us so well?

Clint: So, cannons! How hard can they be? You need some powder and a cannonball and you have to hope we don't accidentally blow ourselves up. Other than that, what's there to know?

Alice: [Looking down the barrel of the cannon] Looks straightforward enough!

[There are conveniently located cannonballs and sacks of "Gumpowder" on deck. Meanwhile, DAVE has got to dry land, although still has quite some distance to go to get to the church.]

Clint: So if these sack fit down the barrel, let's try, say, one sack, one cannonball, light the fuse, and stand way back?

Alice: I don't know, that sounds like a whole lot of gumpowder to me! [Holds up the sack] Then again, I actually know what gumpowder is, so maybe it's not enough! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ charging enthusiastically, shedding clothes as he goes and howling.. though the enthusiasm and energy does visibly decline after a kilometre or so]

Alice: [Stuffs a sack of gumpowder into the barrel] Quickly! [Panicky] He's almost down to his underpants!

Austin: [Expertly rams the sack home with the ramrod] A cannon ball next, rest if you will Mr Scar. next, if you will Mr Scar.

Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, let me, let me! [Grabs a cannon ball and hands it to Austin]

[The cannon ball is very, very heavy, but, between ALICE, CHARLIE and CLINT, they get it into the barrel of the gun.]

Austin: [Austin rams the cannon ball] Right, now we need to aim it. Does rest anyone know how to calculate trajectories? I think it might involve logarithms. Sent from my iPhone On 8 Feb 2017, at 09:16, dom >

wrote:

[The cannon ball is very, very heavy, but, between ALICE, CHARLIE and CLINT, they get it into the barrel of the gun.]

Austin: [Austin rams the cannon ball] Right, now we need to aim it. Does anyone know how to calculate trajectories? I think it might involve logarithms. rest

Dave: [is down to his bare logarithms]

Alice: It's really quite simple, you just grab a piece of wood and tap out a funky beat. [Helps aim the cannon] Who's got a match?

Charlie: [Checks her pockets quickly] I haven't, but perhaps I could rub two sticks together and start a fire! [Eagerly looks for two sticks]

[Everyone hunts around, but it is starting to get dark so it is difficult to see.]

Alice: [Lights up her cigarette lighter] Here, this might make it easier to find them!

Dur: [Grabs the lighter] Great at math, dim at life! [Tries to light the fuse]

[The cannon fires with a disturbing kissing sound, launching the ball high and landing square on the main group of pirates outside the church, exploding and showering the area with patches, peg legs and parrots.]

Alice: Hooray! Do it again! Do it again!

Clint: Look, doc, dinner! And the meat's been pre-tendering and precooked for you.

Alice: [Stuffing more gumpowder into the cannon] Stop teasing him, Stinky and put your ball in here!

Clint: [Surveying the devastation.] That seems unwise. But I'll help you put a new cannonball in here!

[The cannon is loaded and fired again, blasting more of the pirates, so that only a handful survive.]

Charlie: [Impressed] My, it's very effective! Once more, to clear the lot of them?

Alice: [Checks out the scene with her telescope] It's gonna be tough, we've got a classic 7-10 split here!

Austin: Well, we might as well give it a go! Perhaps we could add a small rest weight to the cannon ball to create the correct spin?

Alice: That would be cheating! If we're going to kill a bunch of retreating pirates, we're going to do so fairly!

Dur: Do you have another suggestion? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ is dimly visible in the distance still charging- now a naked, pale and gingery haired figure - spinning his axe and faintly shouting war cries and motivational slogans]

Austin: [Hands on hips watching Dave disappearing into the distance, with rest interest. Approvingly] This Dave chap is very, very enthusiastic. It's a pity he's so terribly filthy. [Looking at the remaining pirates] I did not realise that pirates had such good taste in suits! with interest. Approvingly] This Dave chap is very, very enthusiastic. It's a pity he's so terribly filthy. [Looking at the remaining pirates] I did not realise that pirates had such good taste in suits!

Charlie: Follow the filthy maniac, group! [Races after Dave]

Clint: Story of our lives, Sarge, story of our lives. But if you see a hand-cannon lagging around, maybe one in the "blow your head clean off" caliber, let me know! Oh, or a cool serape. [Follows.]

Alice: [Firing one more round] Yeeeeeeha! [Waves her cowboy hat around a la Dr. Strangelove]

[The pirate population is reduced just one, CALVIN KORS.]

Calvin: Okay! Okay! We're retreating!

Calvin Kors

Charlie: [To Calvin] Excellent choice! Now, do tell us where we are and some key details about the political and social structures in this realm, and we shall be merciful to you.

Calvin: Er... you guys are in charge and I'm about to take my pathetic ship and leave? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ having finally arrived ready for battle, just stares incredulous at all the bodies. Looks total destroyed. Throws down axe and starts banging head on church wall]

Calvin: [Glances at Dave] Right! That's that, then! [Starts nonchalantly strolling towards the ship, momentarily stopping to flick a bit of pirate brain off his shoe]

Charlie: [To Calvin] Oh, do be serious! You clearly do not expect us to let you take OUR ship, do you? [Brightly] Perhaps you could come along and drive for us, though!

Calvin: [Fishes something out of his pocket and holds it up in the air, enclosed in his fist] Back off or I'll blow him! Sent from my iPhone Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ winces at the clear opening for cheap jokes, and will throw a carefully aimed rock at the back of Calvin's head]

Calvin: Hah! You cowards! Cowards! Pathetic cow-ow!

[The rock hits CALVIN smack in the back of the head, causing him to drop what appears to a small orb concealed in his hand, as he collapses to the ground.]

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oooh, what is this?! [Tries to grab the orb]

Calvin: [Fading from consciousness] It is your doooooooo.

Alice: Doooo? What the hell does that mean?

[The orb hits the ground, and CHARLIE quickly grabs it.]

Calvin: [Wakes again] Oooooooo. [Passes out]

Austin: [Searches Calvin, relieving him of any valuables or weapons/orbs, rest then ties him up] That orb must be some kind of weapon, or perhaps a one way portal. Does it look like any we have seen before?

Charlie: [Ponders] Could he have meant duty? [Frowns] Or possibly doom?!

Dur: Hmmmm. From the way he held it, it seems like it could have been a weapon of some sort. But then he started talking about blowing someone so perhaps it is a pocket glory hole or something? Interdimensional sex toy? It could be anything really. Anything but relevant to our mission of course…. Errr, what IS our mission again?

Alice: Are you really so distracted by the chance of being blown by a dead pirate that you've forgotten the mission, Dur? Quite clearly, it's --

Calvin: [Waking one more time] ooooooom! [Looks around] Oh, well, that's disappointing. [To the party] Could one of you give that orb a thump? It doesn't seem to be [notices Austin is still searching him even as he speaks] oh... [gives him a wink] hello. Is that an orb in my pocket or am I just pleased to see you? [Dies] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will pick up the killing rock- smile fondly at it, and keep it]

[The ship explodes, showering the party with debris.]

Alice: Run for cover! Quick! [Bonk. Gets smashed on the head and falls down]

Dur: What now?! [Tries to cover himself and run with an unconscious Alice] Is that what the orb was designed to do?

Clint: Don't be silly, doc. What kind of weirdo builds a ship with a self-destruct? That wouldn't make any sense! They'd just have to keep building replacement ships, maybe with slightly different designs but the same name. It'd be mad. ________________________________

From: Conor Ryan

Sent: 10 February 2017 15:38

To: scott groves

Cc: Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Heather; Tom Henderson; dom; th4@rice.edu; l3@queens-view.com

Subject: [qv] 04.01.116

[The ship explodes, showering the party with debris.]

Alice: Run for cover! Quick! [Bonk. Gets smashed on the head and falls down]

Dave: HAR HAR!! Look Rocky! Alice just got a good bonking!

Austin: [Sighs at the pirate] How disappointing! [Runs for cover] rest

[The debris continues to rain down on the exposed party, and soon everyone is knocked to the ground, getting increasingly covered by flaming debris and bits of gumpowder.]


;;; End of scene, next one coming up on Monday!
[Book X, Act IV, Scene II. The House. ALICE is here, working hard on a nail design, poring over a sketch book, and surrounded with balled up pages of rejected work.]

Alice: [Holds up a page with just a black dot in the middle] Ah! Perfect!


;;; Each player will get a mail from me with some background info for this act. Please don't post until you see yours.
;;;
;;; There are some NPCs referred to in the mail, they can all be seen

here:

Clint: [Strolls on in.] Everyone can relax. Clint has arrived.


;;; And he'll apparently stay that way because I've been tossing and turning for hours, darn it.

Dur: [Waddles in, portly and with a little food still clearly on his chin] I must say, I have never BEEN more relaxed Mr. Scar.

Charlie: [Strides in briskly, loaded down with stacks of papers] Mr. Scar--Alice! How marvelous! turning for hours, darn it.


;;; Poor Tom!

;;; Dom is out today and tomorrow
[Enter AUSTIN, looking as dashing as ever.]

Austin: Perhaps you could be a bit less relaxed, Dur. You know what they say, a weekend on the couch, a lifetime on the hips.

Dur: Maybe holistic healers an charlatans say that Austin, but I, an actual medical doctor, know that if you lay on a couch at home you are 100% less likely to die by tragic circumstances. I like those odds!

Clint: Haw! As if we ever do anything that'll get us killed in tragic circumstances. Still, nothing wrong with this town, huh? circumstances. Still, nothing wrong with this town, huh?

Charlie: [Absently hands Dur an enormous pile of papers and a copper piece] This certainly is a pleasant place to live, but really we must redouble our efforts on the boat. We cannot leave our home dimension is such peril!

Dur: [Makes an emormous pile of papers magically disappear…. Behind the couch where he always stashes Charlie’s papers… and pockets the copper piece] Must we? If memory serves, we keep saving it only for it to once again come under some new form of peril. I think we deserve this place!

Clint: Gotta admit, the doc's got a point! I mean, it's not like we can stick around here forever or anything, but no point in hurrying either!

Alice: Don't be ridic, Stinky! We can leave them with plenty of my dazzling nail art to keep them satisfied when we leave, but Charlie's right, we do need to get back home to find out what's going on there.

Austin: [Sighing as he looks at his beautiful nails] Perhaps Gnuther may have some information at tonight's meeting about what is going on outside the town. It would be a dreadful tragedy if all those duckling tears that we have produced had to go to waste.

Alice: No one, unless they were talking about how my groovy nail designs are killing! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ looking crestfallen] Oh. No killing then? [sighs] Ah Dur my corpulent compadre! I find myself in a conundrum... here I find myself, a man of moderate wealth, with the love , affection and respect of my neighbours, a frisson of romance, and a newly discovered appreciation of fashion [ glances at own reflection and momentarily strikes a pose] and yet, I feel something missing...

Clint: That or Scar and Yeller's patented insecticide! Kills bugs dead!

Dur: Just as Alice said, no one mentioned any of those things. [Looks nervously at Dave] Is it killing? Is killing the thing that is missing? [Checks a rather dashing pocket watch with a shaky hand] Oh my look at the time. Perhaps we should get to the meeting. I do believe my dear 'friend' Mary mentioned she would hold seats for us at tonight's meeting!

Alice: [Reassuringly] Don't worry, Dave, I'm sure we'll get the boat built soon and before you know it, we'll be under attack! [To Dur] And don't say something like it has quotes, it's like using air quotes. I [air quotes] hate [end air quotes] air quotes.

[There's a knock on the door, enter MARY SIOUX.]

Mary: Don't you just hate it when people knock on then walk in without waiting for an answer?

Mary Sioux

Charlie: Yes, almost as much as rhetorical questions!

Alice: Hey! Mary doesn't have to knock! She's part of the family!

Mary: [Laughing at Charlie] Quite right! One should really just enter, although possibly knock AFTER having entered! [Looks around at the party and smile] Hi everyone!

Dur: [Scurrying over] Ah hello deaaaaar.... friend, err my dear friend! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: there really is something about Mary....

Mary: Oh, Dave, behave!

Charlie: [To Mary] Our Alice says you are like family! [Continuing in a low voice] Does she perhaps think she is engaged to your brother or another relative? She is often confused about such things!

Alice: Hey! Mary and I are like twins! [Stands beside her] See? I bet you can hardly tell the difference! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [quietly to Clint, Dur and Austin] No difference in the "hardly" eh?

Clint: Yeah, I'm not seeing the resemblance myself. And a darn good thing, too!

Alice: Well, it'll be better when we have the matching t-shirts. They both say "I'm with her"!

Mary: And the hair colouring, of course, that might make us look a bit more similar too.

Alice: You mean, [lowly] Project X?

Mary: Project X.

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, what is Project X? Some top-secret research project?!

Mary: Yes! We can't breathe a word about it! It's all very hush hu-

Alice: It's a new hair colour!

Austin: [Apologetically for Alice's outburst, to Mary] Well I am sure that rest we can all keep that secret for as long as it takes. [To the others] Can't we?

Charlie: [To Alice, patiently] Now, you do realize that mousey blonde at the roots and brassy blonde to the ends is not a proper color?

Alice: [Gasps at Charlie's hurtful words] Thanks Austin. There's another secret too, that you have to keep, and that's that Charlie is a big poopy head. Except it's not a secret, because everyone knows it, so you don't have to keep it secret!

Charlie: [Astonished] I am a [finger quotes] poppyhead for rightly pointing out the flaws in your research?! That's what good colleagues do!

Alice: You didn't even know about Project X until a second ago! And besides, the day I take hair related advice from someone with YOUR hairstyle is the day I just give up!

Mary: [Good naturedly] Now, now, I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it. Let's not fight! Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ conspiratorially to Clint]I am rather hoping they do... fight ... .... [grins unnervingly]

Mary: Dave! Don't make me take my axe to you!

Austin: [Surprised. To Mary] Is that something you have had to do before? rest

Mary: I wouldn't say I *had* to!

Dur: I think we should ALL listen to Mary. [Attempts a seductive wink] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [peers at Dur thoughtfully, and then at the others] HAR! Could it be we all enjoy special friendships with Mary? In the long cold months of my homeland we enjoy friendly intimacies with all of our friends and neighbours! Perhaps that is the custom here too?

Mary: [Mock scoldingly to Dur] Are you trying to get me to bake another pie? [To Dave] I have lots of friends. Don't make it weird.

Dur: [Smiling widely] Always!

Mary: Careful, Dave, before you know it, you'll be civilised too! Are you folks going to the meeting?

Charlie: Indeed we are! [Starry-eyed] Oh, I do hope it will be orderly and productive!

Austin: [Looking a little grossed out and squirming in his suit. To Dave] rest intimate relations with Mary, that is most ungentlemanly of you. Why would you make up such a lie?

Mary: [Takes Austin's arm] Aw! How gallant! They're just funning around -- you know what they're like! [To Charlie] I fear not, the meeting is to let Mystic Meeg address us.


;;; If you haven't heard separately from me about Meeg already, then all your character knows
;;; is that Mystic Meeg is some sort of weirdo fortune teller who occasionally turns up to
;;; warn Japetus of its impending doom.

Clint: Wait, hold on. [To Mary, with an appalled glance at Austin]

*Him* too?

Mary: Come on, Clint, if I can be friends with *you*, I can surely be friends with Austin!

Austin: [To Clint] I thought that we had settled this matter! You ... rest [Looks at the others, then at Mary] Is this some sort of sick joke? [Let's Mary go] Someone is lying here, and it's three against one right now and the three don't have enough spare grey matter to collaborate on even a simple ruse. Sent from my iPhone On 15 Feb 2017, at 15:37, dom >

wrote:

Mary: [Mock scoldingly to Dur] Are you trying to get me to bake another pie? [To Dave] I have lots of friends. Don't make it weird.

Austin: [Looking a little grossed out and squirming in his suit. To Dave] You are implying that you, and Dur, [Pales at the thought] have had intimate relations with Mary, that is most ungentlemanly of you. Why would you make up such a lie? rest

Dave: I'm no gentleman! I am a wild and uncouth barbarian! But don't worry Austin I shall remain discrete about our own special moment..... (winks) Sent from my iPhone On 15 Feb 2017, at 16:49, dom >

wrote:

Mary: Come on, Clint, if I can be friends with *you*, I can surely be friends with Austin!

Austin: [To Clint] I thought that we had settled this matter! You ... [Looks at the others, then at Mary] Is this some sort of sick joke? [Let's Mary go] Someone is lying here, and it's three against one right now and the three don't have enough spare grey matter to collaborate on even a simple ruse. rest

Dave: Well I for one don't mind if there has been a lot of friendliness going on! I'd like to see more of it. There is too much hate and not enough love in this world. I really love killing things. I haven't done enough of it lately. I do hope something near apocalyptic is about to occur.

Mary: Austin, if I didn't know you better, I would think you're trying to be mean to me. Now, why don't we go along to the meeting?

Dur: [Coughs] I don’t think our Lawyer’s fondness for uncouth barbarians is any secret Dave, though apparently we all seem to have had other secrets. Nothing a good pie can’t fix though?! Am I right Mary me dear? Let's get on with it!

Clint: Lawyer, back me up on this, but... don't be too sure!

Mary: Dur, we're not here to judge, and if Dave and Austin want to be discreet about their, uh.... relationship, then we should respect that. However, I think it could be beautiful!

Dur: [Gasps] Pervert! It's going to take a lot of pie to get THAT image out of my head...

Mary: I'll see what I can do! [Heads to the door] Ready for the meeting?

Clint: [Glances back and forth between Austin and Dave] Now that one I didn't see coming!


;;; Not sure what happened there - my inbox got like 8 posts all at once. Whoops!

Austin: I do not have a relationship with Dave! That would be vile and rest ridiculous! Sent from my iPhone On 15 Feb 2017, at 17:20, dom >

wrote:

Mary: I'll see what I can do! [Heads to the door] Ready for the meeting?

Austin: I do not have a relationship with Dave! That would be vile and ridiculous! rest

Dave: come now Austin, you are not *that* unattractive! After 2 pints of absinthe you have a certain charm...

Dur: Ok you two, you can continue your tryst another time! For now, let us get to this meeting and see what this… “Meep” person has to say.

Alice: To the Meegmobile!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act IV, Scene III. The Town Hall. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR have just arrived. Already here is GNUTHER, the Mayor.]

Gnuther: Ah! Excellent! Great to see everyone! Enjoying life in Japetus?


;;; Everyone has been told about Gnuther in the private mail on Monday

Gnuther Tyler

Austin: Apart from the disturbingly high crime rate, everything is just rest hunkydory, thank you. hunkydory, thank you.

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, Mayor Tyler! How lovely to see you! Everything is positively splendid, though one wonders if there is not perhaps just a smidgen of surplus in the school budget for a desk for the Head of Cryptozoology??

Gnuther: [Taken aback at Austin] Crimes? In Japetus? Surely not! [To Charlie] Alas, with the skyrocketing costs associated with composting, there is little left for education, health or public sanitation.

Austin: What were the results of the investigation into the skyrocketing rest costs associated with composting? Sent from my iPhone On 16 Feb 2017, at 12:26, dom >

wrote:

Gnuther: [Taken aback at Austin] Crimes? In Japetus? Surely not! [To Charlie] Alas, with the skyrocketing costs associated with composting, there is little left for education, health or public sanitation.

Austin: What were the results of the investigation into the skyrocketing costs associated with composting? rest

Dave: [glance at Dur]

Dur: [Looking nervous] There was an investigation?

Gnuther: Oh yes, it's top secret!

Alice: I sure hope that's not what this meeting is about!

Dur: [Nervously glancing side to side] For once I agree with Alice! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: yes- what is this meeting about my dear Mayor?

Gnuther: There are a few others to come yet, and --

[Enter JOSEPH LEBLANK, MOANICA YELLER, CHANANDLER BONG, ROMY BUFFARY, RACHUM BREEN and GROSS YELLER, various townspeople that the party members work with.]

Moanica: Oh no! Is it true? Are we all going to die?

Dur: [Nervous is reaction to Moanica] Who said anything about dieing?

Charlie: [To Moanica] You seem a highly strung sort, so I suspect the danger is not as great as you suggest! [To the mayor] Is there a danger? Perhaps a shortage on beauty products or women's magazines? [nods at Moanica]

Moanica: Oh no! You heard it too? It must be true!

Gnuther: Take it easy, Moanica, not every meeting is about dying!

[The door swings open dramatically, enter MYSTIC MEEG, a man with an unfeasibly large turban.]

Meeg: It's not about dying... it's about muuuuuuuuuurder!

Mystic Meeg


;;; Everyone has met each of Moanica and co. before, they just know the particular person
;;; they work with best.

Austin: [Stands back in horror at Meeg's hat, grimacing] That hat rest certainly is!

Romy: That's the greatest hat I've ever seen in my life!

Meeg: Praising my stylish headgear won't stop me from revealing you as a muuuuuuuurderer!

Charlie: [To Meeg, thrilled] This woman is a murderer?! Who was murdered? What evidence have you that she committed the crime? [Excited] Oh, I do so enjoy a good mystery! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ looking really indifferent] Meh. I prefer simple situations. Fix thing, break thing, chop arms and legs off enemies... that sort of thing thing, break thing, chop arms and legs off enemies... that sort of thing

Charlie: [To Dave, nodding enthusiastically] Oh my, yes--I do enjoy a satisfying evening of sorting research findings and updating filing systems, as well!

Meeg: Files about your muuuuuurders, no doubt! [Glares at Dave] You, sir, you have the demeanour of a muuuuuurderer too! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I wish I knew what you were talking about sometimes.... Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ brightly] you think so?

Meeg: [Hides behind a standing lamp, that has a lampshade almost the same size as his hat] Help!

Moanica: [Yelping, dives under a table] Is it the murderer?! Is [a prolonged and painfully shrill whine that never seems to end] iiiiiiit?!

Charlie: [Grabs her ears in pain] Do calm down! There are no ducklings here for you to torment!

Rachum: [Who's only been half listening, as she has one of the cellphones from the pirates pushed to her ear] Damned [single finger quote] 'phone. Too much feedback! [Barks into it] Buy! Sell! [To Gnuther] Mr. Mayor, what is the meaning of this outrage?

Gnuther: Please, please! There is no murderer here! Tell them, Meeg.

Meeg: Not yet! Sent from my iPhone

Gross: [ deep set 1000 yard stare burning out from below a weathered brow, and above a nose for trouble, itself sitting above a mouth that has tasted some dark times]. [ sidling up just behind Clint, and quietly and intensely stage whispering ...] I've got a bad feeling about this....

Alice: That's okay, Gross, that's just his normal smell! Sent from my iPhone

Gross: [ ominously] I think they've come to give you a mission. After this one you'll never want another.

Alice: You're vary scary. [Steps back]

Gnuther: Let's all take a seat! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will try to grab a seat right at the front and pay earnest attention]

Gross: [seems to slide towards the shadowed rear of the hall and watches... like a coiled snake]

Austin: [Watches Gross] Could he get any weirder? rest Joseph

: [Laughs] It's just a money game Austin, the winning is an indirect result of each player doing what they are good at.

Rachum: [Sits beside Dave, notebook in hand] Okay, so let's hear about this swamp!

Gnuther: Er... what I meant was take a seat each and put them over there. [Points to the other side of the room]

Charlie: [To Dur, clapping her hands] You heard the mayor! Move those seats, chop chop!

Moanica: [Points at Charlie, quivering] She's the murderer, right? It can't be anyone from Japetus! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: wait- do you want me to move the chair- as it is- or chop it up and move the pieces? You civilised folks are so weird I can't always be sure what you want....

Gnuther: As is is as fine as is possible.

[Eventually everyone is situated.

Gnuther: Actually, now that I think about it, we might have been better off the other way ar

All: [Shouting] Get on with it!

Gnuther: Okay, okay, yeesh! As you all probably know, Mysterious Meeg is -

Meeg: Actually, it's Mystic Meeg.

Gnuther: It's kind of the same thing, isn't it? I mean -

All: [Shouting] Get on with it!

Gnuther: Alright! Alright! Meeg, they're all yours.

Meeg: One of the people in this room will be a muuuuuuuuurderer!

Rachum: [Claps excitedly] Brilliant delivery Meeg! Now do you mean will be a murderer or has been a murderer in the past and now they are in the room and are murderers and how will we know which one of us it will be and who will we kill and why and when and how do we stop them or me or anyone!?

Dur: I'm hungry! Sent from my iPhone

Gross: [ quietly] And so it begins....

Meeg: They will be a murderer, oh yes, they will be!


;;; Gone for the weekend!

Charlie: [To Meeg, helpfully] If you haven't any supporting evidence, simply repeating your point is not an effective persuasive technique. Do offer some evidence, or you shall lose your audience!

Dur: I don’t know Charlie, It sure seems to work for most cult organizations!

Rachum: Yes, but they prey on the weak willed and mentally inferior.

Meeg: There will be a muuuurder!

Alice: Gosh, he sounds very sure, doesn't he? Maybe he's right?

Gnuther: Meeg had a vision. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (staring intently at Meeg) He may be right though. I'm experiencing a homicidal urge right now...

Rachum: Yes, but they prey on the weak willed and mentally inferior.

Austin: [Casually checking his nail] Did the vision have Meeg as the rest victim of the murder, by any chance? Joseph

: [Nodding in agreement. Helpfully] It's always a good idea to establish who the players are before the game begins. And the goals, if you don't know what or where the goals are you can't win!

Alice: Can't you just play it back so we can see it? Get it up on the silver screen? [Takes out some popcorn and turns to the screen, trying to start a chant] We want the show! We want the show!

Meeg: First off, that's not a screen, it's a blind, and second, that's not how visions work!

Alice: But what if they did?

Meeg: They don't!

Alice: [Mysteriously looking off into space] But what if they did....?

Rachum: Oh, we don't have the time for this! My schedule is already full, what with all those lists and all that schedule planning I need to do. Who's going to get murdered? Assuming you somehow make it through the next five minutes? [Rubs Dave's muscles approvingly, making a note with her hand]

Meeg: I don't know who the victim is, just that the muuuuuuuurderer lives in [dramatically] A House Of The Sword. victim of the murder, by any chance? establish who the players are before the game begins. And the goals, if you don't know what or where the goals are you can't win!

Charlie: [Nods approvingly at Austin and Dave] Indeed, I think we shall be learning no actual facts from this charlatan!

Moanica: [Horrified] He had a VISION! That's as good as a fact! [Shivers] Anyway, can't you just FEEL the danger?!

Gnuther: [Nods at Moanica's words] She's right. Meeg has never been wrong before.


;;; The Japetus characters know this is true, as Meeg did predict the pirate attack, which
;;; is why the town was able to hold off long enough for the party to intervene. He did,
;;; however, underestimate how aggressive the pirates would be.

Clint: And a "House of the Sword" is... what, a place of violence? Isn't that kind of like predicting that there'll be a sale at the House of the Credit Card?

Rachum: Good lord! You don't know what a House of the Sword is? How completely extraordinary! How is it possible that there's even one person in the world who doesn't know? [Dramatically points at Clint] I give you the muuuuuuurderer!

Alice: Uh, what is a House of the Sword?

Gnuther: Several of the houses in Japetus have a sword set into the stone above their doorway -- local legend has it that Japetus was originally settled by seven adventurers, who, as a sign of trust, each left their sword outside their house. Those houses and swords still exist today.

Alice: Well, I've never seen them!


;;; The more observant party members have noticed that some of the houses in town do have them, but
;;; they look more ornamental than anything.

Clint: Can you be more specific about when this murder will happen? We can just about watch all the houses.

Austin: Perhaps these swords require further, more detailed, investigation? rest Joseph

: I agree, you should always inspect your equipment before play!

Austin: [Winces] rest Joseph

: I think it's a bit like walking the field before the game, checking out the rough spots, bushes or damp patches.

Meeg: No, my visions don't work like that.

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oh, how does it work? What DO you see?

Meeg: I see death and destruction and muuuuuuurder! I get flashes of things, and I know that there will be such a crime, and that it will be committed by someone in one of those houses.

Meeg: I see death and destruction and muuuuuuurder! I get flashes of Joseph

: Aww, come on Meeg, no one is going to kill anyone in this town.it's like soccer, just because there is a lot of kicking and screaming going on, does not mean that anyone is going to get hurt, or was hurt.

Austin: Who lives in those houses? rest

Dur: How many houses are there?

Rachum: [Exuberantly] What we need is a map! A very large map. And pins! Little red pins! We stick a pin in each of the houses on the map and we assign someone to watch the house on a complicated rotary schedule that will only allow each of us 4 hours of sleep, not necessarily all at the same time. Oh, also we need to schedule meals, and status reports of our guard duties so we will need someone to deliver reports between posts and someone to deliver three square meals a day with an optional beverage service…

Dur: Oh oh! [Raising his hand excitedly] Can I handle the food?

Gnuther: Everyone living in those houses is here right now.

Dur: So?

Rachum: Simple enough, none of leave this room! Oh but then there are bathroom breaks to consider. And we will certainly need food. We will have to come up with a complicated system of bathroom cycles in which groups of 3 or 4 of us must be together at all times in order to prevent the murder. The other half of the group will eat and then we can switch…. That only leaves the guard rotation while we sleep…

Dur: [Excitedly again] OH OH! I’ll handle getting the food!

Clint: Or we just decide which of us is a murderer. [Glances suspiciously at Dave.] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ grins broadly back at Clint]

Alice: I think the murderer is Scary Gross! Sent from my iPhone

Gross: [ slowly turns to fix a gaze that has seen too much upon Alice...] scary? You think I'm scary? If you had seen some of the things I've seen .... things that would haunt your dreams... horrors scoured deep into the backs of your eyes.....

Alice: See! Totes muuuuuurd!

Romy: I don't know, Alice, I think maybe you're the murderer! You've got the perfect disguise, no one would ever suspect you!

Austin: No one is the murderer yet! [To Meeg] Who is the victim going to rest be? If we know the victim we may be able to work out who has a motive. Joseph

: Maybe they murder themselves! [Thinks] Oh, no, that's suicide. Sent from my iPhone On 21 Feb 2017, at 17:37, dom >

wrote:

Alice: See! Totes muuuuuurd!

Romy: I don't know, Alice, I think maybe you're the murderer! You've got the perfect disguise, no one would ever suspect you!

Austin: No one is the murderer yet! [To Meeg] Who is the victim going to be? If we know the victim we may be able to work out who has a motive. rest Joseph

: Maybe they murder themselves! [Thinks] Oh, no, that's suicide.

Dave: would it help if I just killed someone in one of the sword houses? You know, bring the matter to a convenient conclusion? be? If we know the victim we may be able to work out who has a motive.

Charlie: [Nods at Austin's words. To Meeg] Yes, have you any information on the victim? That could help us narrow down the field of suspects!

Meeg: Alas, I do not know. [Lowers his head and joins his hands]

Meeg: Alas, I do not know. [Lowers his head and joins his hands]

Austin: So you don't know who the murderer is, and you don't know who the rest victim is, you just know that they live in town .... a town that currently has no access in or out? Do you know what the murder weapon is? Is it one of the swords on the houses? Joseph

: You'd have to be strong to lift a person on to one of those swords! [Looks around suspiciously at the stronger looking people] Sent from my iPhone On 22 Feb 2017, at 09:36, dom >

wrote:

Meeg: Alas, I do not know. [Lowers his head and joins his hands]

Austin: So you don't know who the murderer is, and you don't know who the victim is, you just know that they live in town .... a town that currently has no access in or out? Do you know what the murder weapon is? Is it one of the swords on the houses? rest Joseph

: You'd have to be strong to lift a person on to one of those swords! [Looks around suspiciously at the stronger looking people]

Gross: Death comes then, on oily dark wings, its hunger growing as it draws ever nearer.... the sweet taste of blood singing out.. calling horror to roost

Meeg: I know that one of you is the murderer.

Gnuther: And you're correct, Austin, there is no way in and no way out of the town at the moment.

Romy: Unless a bunch of devastatingly handsome strangers sail down the river and save us from pirates!

Gnuther: Er, yes, quite. However, there are many weapons in the town, aside from those swords. There are various swords, spears, arrows, shoes with really pointy spikes, mugs that hurt more than you might imagine when they hit you in the forehead. That kind of thing.

Charlie: [Briskly] Well, we can certainly not investigate a crime that has not been committed, and so perhaps we should redirect our attentions to something more worthwhile. [Excited] Perhaps we could hold a fundraiser for our critically important and woefully underfunded Cryptozoology Department!

Moanica: [Gapes at Gnuther] Sh-shouldn't we make sure all those weapons are secured somewhere safe?!

Alice: Just the kind of thing a murderer would suggest! That way we'd all be defenceless, without even a mug to protect us! [To the party] I like Charlie's idea -- surely something so awful would bring a murderer out to try and kill someone?

Austin: [To Alice] Good point! [TO Charlie] Good thinking Sarge. rest Jospeh

: We don't have a Cryptozoology Department! [Confused] Do we? Why do zoo's need encryption? [Looks deep in thought] Sent from my iPhone

Gross: There is no point Moanica. The board is set. All things move towards the inevitable conclusion. When old man slaughter hitches his steed there will be blood, that is a surety. Sent from my iPhone On 22 Feb 2017, at 11:29, dom >

wrote:

Alice: Just the kind of thing a murderer would suggest! That way we'd all be defenceless, without even a mug to protect us! [To the party] I like Charlie's idea -- surely something so awful would bring a murderer out to try and kill someone?

Austin: [To Alice] Good point! [TO Charlie] Good thinking Sarge. rest Jospeh

: We don't have a Cryptozoology Department! [Confused] Do we? Why do zoo's need encryption? [Looks deep in thought]

Dave: I'm just not getting this. We happily trek through hell, we blow scores of Irates into small bloody chunks, Seth knows how many adversaries we despatch in creative ways on a monthly basis.. why are we getting so agitated at the prospect of one itsy bitsy - not even happened yet- death?

Rachum: [Folds her arms and glares at Dave] That depends on who's death it is. Maybe you people are used to killing innocents, but we're not! [Looks around] Well, most of us aren't! Joseph

: [Nods vigorously] We are very likeable. It's a bit like golf, it seems very much like pointless hard work in the beginning, all that searching around in the long grass and trees, for your balls, but after a while you find it quite interesting, all the creepy crawlies you find, furry ones, greens ones, the worms with legs, those are cool!

Romy: [Gives Austin a hug] Oh, Austin, you are such a wonderful person! [To the room] We can strike Austin off the list of suspects right now!

Dur: Then that makes two of us because I have never killed an innocent either. Unless you count the people that died on my operating table, and those deaths were caused more due to negligence than muuuuuuurder!

Rachum: When are we going to stop talking about it and start making needlessly complex plans to do something!


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: Don't be ridiculous, this is not the time for needlessly complex plans! [Takes out a huge binder with colour coded tabs] Now, let's assign a round robin buddy system with triple redundancy to ensure that no one's movements go unchecked!

Rachum: [Moving over to peer over Charlie's shoulder] Why stop at triple redundancy when we could make it quadruple redundant! And why assign when we can randomize in order to ensure that the murderer doesn't just choose to be paired with his intended target!

Dur: [Confused] I have no idea what they are talking about! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Nope. Me neither Dur old buddy.

Charlie: [Nodding] Ah, I see, a randomized quadruple blind verification technique, most exciting! We should write a paper on this -- naturally, with you as second author.

Alice: So let me get this straight, all we know is that one of us may --

[All those from Japetus speak up at the same time.]

Japetians: Will be!

Alice: Er, will be a murderer, but not of whom nor when nor where nor with what weapon?

Austin: [Still hugging Romy] Yes, Alice, I think that's the short, and rest useful version. Joseph

: But if we a blindly verifying each other how will we know if we are verifying the right person?

Romy: Oh, poor simple Joseph! We'll know when we see that person kill someone! Joseph

: We won't see anything if we are blind! That's what blind means - that you can't see! It's a crazy idea.

Romy: Oh, sweet, innocent Joseph. I hope you're not the murderer! [Hugs him] You are too precious to lose!

Clint: But the doc brings up a good point - are you sure it's murder and not, say, an accident or incomp.. [Looks over at Dur] I mean, negligence?

Meeg: I am sure.

[Time passes.]

Alice: So, is there anything we can do right now?

Dur: Something that doesn't involve whatever the hell they are talking about [Motioning to Rachum and Charlie]

Rachum: [Hurt] Dur! We work so well together, how could you be so rude?!

Alice: Oh please! This is him being polite! Sent from my iPhone

Gross: when old man Death comes knocking, no amount of 'please' and 'thank you' will stop that dark void from swallowing you.....

Austin: With any luck the void will swallow you! rest Joseph

: Well I feel it's sort of like when you get to the big game but you have forgotten your ticket [Looks at the others] You know what I mean?


;;;;meetings all day

Alice: Big Game? You mean.... like an elephant, or something?

Gnuther: Er.... right. I think we can all agree that this has been a constructive meeting? [Looks around, a hint of desperation in his eyes] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ bounds up from chair, stretches noisily] RIGHT!!! All done then?? Who's for lunch?

Dur: [Bounds up from the chair at the mention of lunch] Right! I am!

Rachum: Does it come with a side of tedious and over-zealous planning?! [Clapping her hands excitedly]


;;; Heather is afk

Charlie: On the contrary, it comes after this rather poorly constructed first course! The exciting and just-zealous-enough planning will come for dessert!

Mary: And on that note... should we just sneak off? You know, in case Mysterious Smeeg has more to say?

Charlie: Oh, indeed! I have no time to listen to his half-baked, poorly supported theories!

Moanica: Speak for yourself! It isn't safe to leave!

Clint: I think that's for the best. Any more of this and the suspect pool was going to get a lot narrower, if you know what I mean! [Mimes beating his head in against a desk. ]


;;; Hopefully not a double post.

Meeg: You are correct! It is dangerous! Dangerous to leave the confines of this roooooooom! In fact -- [notices that the party and Mary have left] Hey! Now, that's just rude.

Gnuther: Well, you are really annoying, to be fair.

Meeg: Yeah... that's true.


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act IV, Scene IV. Mary's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and MARY are here, sitting down to a huge dinner.]

Mary: I have something that I've been keeping for a special occasion. Given that you've just been accused of being murder suspects, I think this might be a good time to roll it out. [Reveals a bottle of the legendary Louis XIV Brandy]

Dur: [Confused] So we are celebrating our possible future murder?

Clint: [Laughing] Doc, if you somehow haven't noticed, our possible future murder is something we have to face every week! Whereas a bottle of expensive brandy... Don't question it.

Mary: Poor Dur, you must be really rattled by the experience if it's putting you off your food. Look, I even made your favourite -- seconds! [To Clint as she pours out a drink for everyone] Well said, Clint. [Holds up her glass to toast] To none of you being [dramatically] muuuuuuurderers!

Clint: I'll drink to that!

Alice: How reliable is Meeg usually?

Mary: Scarily so. He even predicted that I would rescue Gnuther from that crocodile attack a few months ago, right down to knowing that I'd punch him in the face.

Austin: That sounds really suspicious to me, since when did psychics rest become reliable, clear and accurate? He could save us some time at the ducking tear factory if he can tell us when it's the right time to taste the tears!

Mary: True, but he is very, very annoying! He would make the duckling tear factory way less fun to be at!


;;; Heather is out today

Charlie: [To Mary] Did you really punch Gnuther in the face?

Mary: No, I punched the crocodile in the face!

Dur: Strange that he could predict the crocodile encounter with such accuracy and no such accuracy in his latest prophecy, no?

Mary: [Sliding a huge bowl of delicious food in front of Dur] Hm, that's a good point. His other predictions have all been eerily accurate.

Dur: [His mouth already stuffed with food] I'm sorry dear, I forgot what we were talking about!

Charlie: [Muses] Hmm, one is reminded of the popular truism [finger quotes] he who denied it supplied it!

Mary: Ah yes... just like he who predicted it should be convicted!

Alice: Has he ever been wrong?

Mary: There's only one prediction I've ever heard him make that hasn't been proven, and, to be perfectly frank, it's so crazy, there's no way it could be true.

Dur: [Mumbling through food] Please share it with us! Nothing like a good story to ease digestion!

Mary: It's about one of you! It's... actually, no, it's too crazy. Let's have some more brandy, and possibly a little cheese!

Charlie: [Sips the brandy, excited] Oh, now you MUST tell us! We do SO enjoy hearing about ourselves!

Dur: Some more than others, am I right? [Indicating Austin]

Alice: Ooooh! Juicy gossip about Austin? Let's hear!

Mary: Well... it was about you, Alice. I mean, it's so preposterous, it hardly seems worth even mentioning, but he claims he had a vision that she would be wearing the most awful grey underpants today.

Alice: Ooooh! Juicy gossip about Austin? Let's hear!

Austin: Well that seems highly unlikely. [Shrugs] But an easy claim to rest disprove.

[Everyone turns to look at ALICE.]

Alice: I don't think we should dignify it with an answer!

Charlie: [Nods firmly at Alice's words] I quite agree! [To Austin] Do be serious. We all know Alice only ever wears [finger quotes] "laundry day gray" underpants, now that she has no man upon whom to cling desperately.

Dur: How does knowing what drab gray undergarments Alice is wearing make him a seer and not just a perv?

Mary: Can't he be both?

Alice: [To Charlie] Hey! Look, you know quite well that today IS laundry day! [Rather desperately, looking around at the others] You do, right? Right?

Mary: Hm, so I guess he was right!

Austin: Like it or not, you sound incredibly jealous. rest

Charlie: [Wistfully] Well, gray is such a practical color, and Granny such a sensible style!

Alice: Look, let's not worry about that -- which of them do we think is the murderer? I mean, the muuuuuuuurderer!

Austin: [Jokingly] It's probably Mary, and this delicious food and Louis rest XIV is poisoned! [Laughs]

Mary: Don't be ridiculous, Aus, that couldn't possibly be true. [Tastes some of the brandy] What sort of barbarian would I be to poison such a wonderful drink? [Glances at Dur, Alice, Dave and Clint, each of who is stuffing their face with delicious foodstuffs] The food, on the other hand, well... I've heard it said that poison is a woman's weapon.

Alice: [Gobs up a bunch of snakes' feet onto the table] Huh?

Clint: [Wistfully] With any luck it's that awful Rachum person!

Mary: Stinky! You know, the fact is, someone will be murdered, unless we can figure out in advance who the murderer is!

Austin: Well, it's not one of us, but that Gross chap, he's clearly top of rest the list!


;;;;out for this afternoon

Mary: I know he's scary and weird, but I can't believe that he would kill someone -- that any of the others would do it! top of

Charlie: Oh? Whom do you suspect, then?


;;; Out for the day, too!

Mary: I don't know! [Thinks] Maybe we should drink a lot of alcohol to discuss it further?

Austin: [Pouring out more brandy] An excellent suggestion!

Clint: Not sure how it'll help us figure out who the murderer is, but hell, I'm in.

[There follows a wild night of drinking and partying.]

;;; End of scene, next one starts on THURSDAY
[Book X, Act IV, Scene V. The House in Japetus. ALICE and MARY are here, sitting at the breakfast table.]

Alice: [Gorging herself on delicious looking pastries] Mary! These are the most amazing cakes I've ever eaten! You're just the best cook ever!

Mary: Oh, these old things? [Waves dismissively] I just threw them together this morning!

Charlie: [Exits her bedroom stretching elaborately] Good morning, ladies! [Looks out the window cheerily] My, what a splendid day to sail!

Mary: It's all so exciting! I just wish I could come with you -- I once spend a year sailing rafts down this very river!

Austin: [Comes out of his room, fully dressed, with perfect hair and rest checks his nails. To Mary] Why don't you come with us? There is plenty of room. We'd all be most happy to have you come along. Sent from my iPhone On 2 Mar 2017, at 09:32, dom >

wrote:

Mary: It's all so exciting! I just wish I could come with you -- I once spend a year sailing rafts down this very river!

Austin: [Comes out of his room, fully dressed, with perfect hair and checks his nails. To Mary] Why don't you come with us? There is plenty of room. We'd all be most happy to have you come along. rest

Dave: [ entering via firemans pole from his attic room- resplete in his mouse skin onesie and dinosaur slippers] What Ho fine companions and murder suspects! What fine breakfast repast awaits? Hello Mary my strictly platonic friend!! Hello Austin my sweet cheeked man love!

Dave: [ entering via firemans pole from his attic room- resplete in his

Austin: Good morning weirdo. rest Sent from my iPhone On 2 Mar 2017, at 11:11, dom >

wrote:

Dave: [ entering via firemans pole from his attic room- resplete in his mouse skin onesie and dinosaur slippers] What Ho fine companions and murder suspects! What fine breakfast repast awaits? Hello Mary my strictly platonic friend!! Hello Austin my sweet cheeked man love!

Austin: Good morning weirdo. rest

Dave: HAR! Every time.... [ heads over to breakfast and starts eating voraciously, sneaking frequent glances at Mary] excellent!

Mary: Oh, you two! You make the most adorable couple! [To Austin] I would love to, but I have to stay here in Japetus -- as well as looking after the ducklings I do help take care of older people and tend to the sick.

Alice: You should come! After all, it's important that a child is near their [points to herself] Godmother. Or... depending... godfather! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [choking on mouthful of breakfast] ... Har... er... child... hypothetically... should be raised by....er... er.. I don't know anything about a child... if I did it probably wouldn't be mine.... if it was... er...

Gross: [ peering in through window]. ... your raft is ready then? Just remember, don't get off the boat. Never get off the fewking boat man.

Austin: [Staring at Gross] Now there is a a face that requires punching. rest

Charlie: [Nods at Austin's words] Well said, Mr. Sleaze! [To Alice, patiently] Now, Alice, I think we can all agree that a Godmother should be above all things organized and scholarly, and so naturally I will be the Godmother. Sent from my iPhone

Gross: [stares at Austin for a while...] Charlie? I remember Charlie. Tough. Wily. Ruthless.you had to be on your guard 24/7 or Charlie would be on you. I wouldnt let Charlie get near any kid of mine. Hell no.

Gross: [stares at Austin for a while...] Charlie? I remember Charlie.

Austin: [Glances at Gross. To the others] This 'care in the community' rest idea has been pushed a little too far, don't you think? He obviously requires specialised, 24/7 care.

Alice: I think the scary stalker has a point, Aus! No way should Charlie get near our -- I mean, Mary's child! Sent from my iPhone

Gross: See? The squirly girl gets it. You gotta play hard ball with Charlie or the whole stack of cards comes tumbling down. You gotta get your head screwed on tight and hang in there, eh sister?

Austin: Why? What threat does Chuckles pose to ... Mary's child? rest Sent from my iPhone On 2 Mar 2017, at 13:19, dom >

wrote:

Gross: See? The squirly girl gets it. You gotta play hard ball with Charlie or the whole stack of cards comes tumbling down. You gotta get your head screwed on tight and hang in there, eh sister?

Austin: Why? What threat does Chuckles pose to ... Mary's child? rest

Dave: [ will get up and close window and curtains on Gross. Will then look suspiciously at Mary, then at Austin] Ugh. I am thinking that there is a possibility of a complex paternity situation developing here. I would hate to have to kill Austin if for example a baby appeared with a thing for manicured nails and sardonic remarks....

Mary: Behave yourself, Dave! This is hardly the way to behave the morning of the fantastic voyage! Now, come on, you guys have a dangerously under-equipped raft to sail down a fearsome river! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [looking troubled] well, for no particular reason I feel that I should stay here and maybe hang around, maybe if there was a child, I might .. you know, hang around a bit... not for any reason of course.....

Austin: [After a short silence] Errm, well sounds about as dodgy as it rest gets! You should be a shamed of yourself, preying on innocent vulnerable children!

Dur: [Suddenly appears at the table with a mouthful of Mary’s delicious food] I agree, Mary SHOULD come with us. We would be utterly lost without her delicious cooking. Plus I…. Errr…. I mean WE could help care for the baby! Sent from my iPhone On 2 Mar 2017, at 13:51, dom >

wrote:

Dave: [looking troubled] well, for no particular reason I feel that I should stay here and maybe hang around, maybe if there was a child, I might .. you know, hang around a bit... not for any reason of course.....

Austin: [After a short silence] Errm, well sounds about as dodgy as it gets! You should be a shamed of yourself, preying on innocent vulnerable children! rest

Dave: [ a brief expression of bemusement is replaced by a red killing mask - and Dave will launch in a righteous frenzy at Austin- scattering breakfast paraphernalia wildly] GAAAAH!!! DAVE KIIIILLL!!!!

Gross: [ From the window on the opposite side of the kitchen will fire a powerful tranquilliser dart from his beloved hi power sniper rifle at the rabid berserk]. Rest in peace Kurtz.

[MARY dives at DAVE and grabs in a headlock.]

Mary: Calm down! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Gribble....,,,

Austin: [Looks relieved. To Mary] Well done! He seems to be even more rest unstable than he previously displayed! Sent from my iPhone On 2 Mar 2017, at 15:15, dom >

wrote:

Mary: Calm down!

Austin: [Looks relieved. To Mary] Well done! He seems to be even more unstable than he previously displayed! rest

Gross: Yeh. That guy is a dangerous lunatic.

Clint: [Enters, stage right, preceded by a strange reek.] Which guy would that be? Hey, breakfast! [Joins the group at the table.]

Mary: [Holding Dave in a half nelson] No one's a dangerous lunatic! As for Dave, well, that's just high spirits, isn't it, Dave? He's just a big pussycat!

Clint: [Regards Dave darkly.] Here, let me get that for you. [Goes to put Dave in a headlock so Mary doesn't have to.] Wouldn't want anything to happen to the baby there!

Mary: [Gently releases Dave] I'm sure there's no need to keep him like this, it was just high spirits! Now come on, you guys have a raft to catch! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: GAAAAAH!! Let me go so I can rip off Austins appendages and beat him to death with them!! And by Seth's Unruly thatch what IS that stench????

Clint: [To Mary.] You were saying?

Mary: [Looks Dave up and down] Ah... he'll be fine! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will put his hands up in a gesture of goodwill and submission to Mary and Clint, making a quick but unmistakable "I'll get you later" gesture at Austin...] Mary and Clint, making a quick but unmistakable "I'll get you later" gesture at Austin...]

Charlie: [All business] Right, that is quite enough horseplay. We must set sail at once! [Dramatically] To the raft!

Austin: [To Charlie] Right you are Sarge, let's get going [Subtly check rest his daggers and knives]

[Everyone gathers up their equipment and heads to the dock.]

Alice: Hey! Where is the raft?


;;; There appears to be no sign of it!

Clint: Oh, someone's ass is about to be kicked! Dudes, where's our raft?

[GNUTHER hurries over to the party.]

Gnuther: What happened? I thought today was the launch day! For a moment we thought you'd left without saying goodbye! Sent from my iPhone Dave:[brightly] Oh well, it appears that we will have to stay here after all!

Clint: [Darkly.] Today *was* the launch day, but our raft is... well, do you see it? Seems like someone doesn't want us to leave! [Brightening.] Probably because they've got the best damn insecticide money can buy! all!

Charlie: [Gasps] Alice, was it your turn to tether the raft?! [Groans] How many times have I told you, just tying the rope into a pretty bow does NOT keep it tethered unless you tie the pretty bow to something solid ashore!! Sent from my iPhone A nearby

bush: [in GROSS'S voice] Damn straight.

Alice: I did tie it to something solid, look! [Points to an adorable bow tied into a mooring post] See?

Alice: I did tie it to something solid, look! [Points to an adorable

Austin: Well and truly firmly tied to something solid. rest Sent from my iPhone On 3 Mar 2017, at 11:28, dom >

wrote:

Alice: I did tie it to something solid, look! [Points to an adorable bow tied into a mooring post] See?

Austin: Well and truly firmly tied to something solid. rest

Dave: So, we are not going then? HAR! I think we are stuck here.

Alice: [Peers over the dock] Hey! Look! There's the raft -- under the water!! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will look, and then dive in and see if he can swim to it. Perhaps tie rope and haul it up?]

[DAVE jumps in and disappears for a while, before bursting back to the surface, rope in hand.]

Mary: [To the party] Grab the rope and pull it up -- let's see what happened here!

Dur: [Grabbing the rope doubtfully] Do we really want a raft that has sunk? It's not going to get us very far...

Charlie: [Grabs the rope eagerly] What luck, we found it! [Frowns] Though the fact that it does not appear buoyant is a little worrying!

Austin: It may have been sabotaged! rest

Alice: [Also helping] Oh, poo! Who would sabotage our raft? People here love us!

[Various townspeople help pulling the raft up, and the party can see that there's a huge hole in the middle of it.]

Alice: [Peers at the hole] I don't remember that being there! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [frowning and dripping will agree with Alice] Yes. I distinctly recall Charlie being very definite about holes being an undesirable design feature....

Mary: [Points to some rocks tied to the bottom of the raft] I'm not sure I remember the design calling for extra ballast, either! recall Charlie being very definite about holes being an undesirable design feature....

Charlie: [Shakes her head disapprovingly] Indeed, these additions were never agreed upon! [Inspects the damage hopefully] How quickly do we think we might repair it?

Mary: It doesn't look too bad... although... I think there's a bomb strapped to it!

Austin: Is there really? [Looks for the bomb] Wait a minute! A bomb! Run rest for your lives! [Runs back to the house for some brandy]

Clint: Man, the lengths some people will go to for a really good insecticide! [Grabs Mary and finds some cover, placing himself between the pregnant lady and the bomb.]

Alice: Hey! I'm the Godmother! I'll protect Mary! [Leaps on top of Clint and Mary] Ew! Why are you so soggy, Clint? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [looking crossly at Clint will protectively drape himself over Clint and Mary so as to give additional, superior, protection to Mother and babe]

Clint: [Suddenly buried] Oof!

Austin: [Comes rushing back out of the house with Brandy and a wad of rest insurance documents. To Mary] Do you have good life and health insurance? [Offers her a Brandy] Are you okay under there?

Mary: Just about!

Gnuther: [Hiding behind a bunch of fishing nets] Wait! I don't think it's armed -- look! It looks like one of the wires got pulled out when that basket [points to the basket of the party's supplies that seems to have been thrown overboard and got caught in the bomb] was thrown overboard!

Mary: Just about!

Austin: Hmm, who would know how to sabotage a raft and build a bomb, but rest damage the device in their haste to prevent us from leaving? damage the device in their haste to prevent us from leaving?

Charlie: Indeed, a careless bomb-maker? Could there be a worse kind?! [Ponders] Hmm, isn't that peculiar Gross person an Army veteran of some sort?

Charlie: Indeed, a careless bomb-maker? Could there be a worse kind?!

Austin: Yes, it sounds like he was in Viet-num-num or some pace like rest that.He does seem to know rather a lot about the sabotage incident and the bomb.

Alice: And why do so many different things to raft? It's kind of overkill, isn't it? I mean, is there really any need to destroy our food if you're going to blow up our raft? Sent from my iPhone Nearby

bush: [ sounding not unlike GROSS] My MOS isn't demolitions you people. Nope. The silent kill, close enough to feel the breath on the cheek, to see the light leave the eyes, to watch the roaches legs dance their last foxtrot.... but explosive devices? Not me. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: was this intended to kill us or simply trap us here? I think someone doesn't want all of us to go.... who would want to keep us all here? Or, was the hole an accident, and someone wanted to blow us all up. Things are so much easier when the enemy is charging at you with axes. I miss that.

Alice: Maybe this was what Meeg was talking about? The muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurder! muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurder!

Charlie: How dreadful! I wonder if we can discern when the bomb was supposed to have detonated?

Alice: Maybe we could ask Chanandler? After all, he's very good at making small complicated objects for his doll houses, so maybe he could tell? I don't think there's anyone else in town that would know about these sorts of things. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: yes he is a marvel for precision engineering ! If any one would be able to deconstruct a bomb it's him!we are lucky that there is a guy in town who could maybe help us understand the device! I wonder if he can help us figure out who could have made it!

Alice: It has to be one of those who were there for the discussion about the murder with us and Meeg. Hm, who was there? Oh man, I bet if we ask Chanandler, he'd know!

Clint: Or maybe it's Meeg himself, trying to preserve a reputation for infallibility. It's what I would d.. I mean, it's possible!

Dur: How could we? Perhaps there is a timing device?

Dur: Well I know I was there! And I do recall my dear coworker Rachum being in attendance as well...

Austin: But you only have a reputation for your inflatable, Mr Scar, not rest your infallible. [Giggles]

Alice: Inflatable? From what I hear, Aus, it's deflated most of the time and kind of saggy! [To the party] Maybe we should get Gnuther to round up everyone who was there and we can question them? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: it's not a compost based bomb is it? I've heard they are sh..... Sent from my iPhone Nearby

barrel:

Charlie: [To Alice, eagerly] Ooooh, indeed! We can take fingerprints and look for residue from bomb-making materials! [Whips out a DIY Detect! kit and hands out paper deerstalker hats to the party] Look, we can ALL be Herlock Sholmes, the feminist detective!

Alice: Oh, wow! Herlock is way cooler than Hercool Parrot, although having a parrot as a side kick was definitely better than that lame Professor What's On.

Clint: Bah! Everyone knows that Phillowe Marlip is the proper role model!

Gnuther: Er, so will we get everyone back together again?

Charlie: [Thrilled] Oh my, yes! And also bring 20 pounds of Gypsum plaster, six calipers, a goniometer, and all the magnifying glasses you can find!

Gnuther: Well, we won't have any great problem finding everything except the magnifying glasses -- they've all gone missing!


;;; Scott is afk for a bit
[A nearby tree shakes and GROSS races off, leaving a trail of magnifying glasses behind him.]

Alice: Ah! Our first clue in the Mystery of the Missing Magnifying Glasses!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act IV, Scene VI. The Town Hall. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and DAVE are here with GNUTHER.]

Gnuther: Right, [taps a box] I got all the supplied that you asked for, although I wasn't sure what Gypsum plaster or a goniometer are, but hopefully this will do you.

Alice: So what did you get? [Opens the box and is almost knocked over by a rush of butterflies charging out]

Gnuther: Well, they were caterpillars when I put them in there!

Austin: [Watching the butterflies] Well I suspect that they are much more rest fun than a goniometer. more fun than a goniometer.

Charlie: [Looks at the butterflies disapprovingly] But how are they supposed to aid us in taking footprints and measuring cranial capacity and so forth?!

Alice: They could be good at getting into tiny spaces!

[Enter ROMY.]

Romy: Oh my goodness! I had heard there were butterflies! This is wonderful!


;;; We'll play the second characters again in this scene, so just bring
;;; yours in when ready. They've basically been summoned here
;;; by Gnuther and know that there was a sabotage attempt on the raft
wonderful!

Moanica: [Timidly approaches the group, flinching at the butterflies and covering her head, wailing] Why are there so many?! Is it an invasion?? Joseph

: [Wearing cricket pads and a fencing mask] It's okay Moani, it's just a spring thing, a bit like pole vaulting.

Alice: Alright! Which of you did it? And no playing dumb! It's the thirteenth inning, bottom of the twelfth, five men, er, out, extra time, game of two halves, jumpers for goalposts! Joseph

: [Takes off his cricket jumper and puts it in a suitable goal post place] I only have one jumper I am afraid! [Looks around for people with more jumpers] Who is going to be the goalie first?

Rachum: [Finally arrives, fashionably late as always] Is this really the time to be re-enacting what must be one of Alice’s past sexual escapades? Why did you summon us here?

Alice: [Puts on her deerstalker] To accuse you of ..... muuuuuuuurder!

Chanandler: [Enters even later to the scene, unsurprisingly.] Us? Based on what evidence! My evidence board shows that it's everyone! Everyone! Especially those two weirdos. [Eyes Austin and Dave suspiciously.]

Dave: [Snatching a butterfly out of the air and eating it] Mm! Crunch! [To Chanandler] What are you talking about? You're the one with those tiny fingers -- perfect for bomb making and nose picking!

Charlie: Indeed, you are all persons of interest! Would any of you like to confess to the crime of Attempted Raft-Bombing?! Perhaps we shall show mercy if you do not force us to waste our precious resources! [gestures to the Herlock Sholmes DIY Detective kits]

Moanica: Whaaaat?! A b-bomb? [backs away from the raft remnants anxiously]

Austin: The sabotage could have been perpetrated by more that one person. rest This would explain the intricate and precisely built bomb, but the clumsy discarding overboard of our supplies, which damage the bomb. Thirdly, the hole in the raft would be complete unnecessary if you were bombing it or destroying our supplies. Perhaps three people acting independently, sabotaged our raft? Joseph

: Have you ever tried sports commentary?

Alice: Why would anyone hate us so much? We're really, really nice! [Looks at Clint] Well, most of us are!

[The door swings open. Enter GROSS.]

Gross: Terrible! I just found out that they sabotaged the raft themselves!

Austin: Why on earth would we do that? rest Joseph

: Good question [Looks deep in thought] Perhaps one of you was running a book on the odds of you not leaving, and wanted to ensure that you'd win?

Gross: Because you people are sick. Sicker than a man poisoned by cockroach crap.

[Enter MEEG, in a great state of excitement.]

Meeg: Who's dead? Who's dead?

Dur: I don't know if anyone is dead, but I could perform a round of medical examinations to be sure if you want?

Alice: So YOU'RE the murderer! medical

Charlie: [To Dur, scolding] How dare you threaten us, after all we've done for you?!

Gross: That's what my sources say. Him and his fancy woman.

Dur: I will have you all know that I have never killed one of my patients! It was the massive blood loss and rampant infections that killed them!

Gross: Just the kind of thing a murderer says after he's started drawing the dark veil of death upon a thousand soldiers.

Romy: Great! So we have our murderer and we can go back to how things were!

Gnuther: There is just one minor problem, though... there's no body! were!

Charlie: What about that?! [Points to the wrecked raft] Someone may have intended to kill the rafters!

Dur: But was the prophecy for an intended murder or an actual murder? Or maybe someone is just trying to keep us, or anyone, from leaving town?

Meeg: It wasn't a prophecy, it was a [pedantically] vision, and it was very, very precise. It was an actual muuuuuuuurder.

Alice: And remind us, who did the vision say would be the murderer?

Meeg: It didn't say, specifically.

Alice: And the victim? That would be...

Meeg: Well, it didn't say that either...

Alice: Nor the weapon, the location nor the time.

Meeg: Correctly.

Alice: It wasn't really all that precise, so, was it?

Clint: Well I, for one, am impressed with Meeg's accurate vision of the murder of our raft. Poor Raftee, may she rest in peace.

Alice: How many times do I have to tell you, Clint, her name was Rafty McRaftface!

Clint: [Rolling his eyes] Sorry, the victim's name was Rafty McRaftface.

Austin: Good, well I am glad you have sorted that out. If no one has died, rest then there is no killer either. Why don't we all help to rebuild the raft? I'll start on the insurance claim. [Gets out some notes]

Alice: Nothing is sorted out! Who tried to sabotage our raft?? died, raft?

Charlie: [Whips out a tiny flashlights and flashes it in the eyes of Moanica] Admit it! You sabotaged the raft!

Moanica: [Shields her eyes and shrieks] Stop! It buuuuurns!

Gross: It burns like the foul stench of death -- and they should know, I have it on good account that they sabotaged the raft themselves!

Charlie: [Whips out a tiny flashlights and flashes it in the eyes of

Austin: Hold on there Sarge, surely it makes more sense to examine the rest evidence first? Joseph

: This isn’t so much interplay as coexistence; two key stakeholders of the game awkwardly bumping against each other, harbouring unspoken and unsupported, but very real resentments. It was just like a game I was at about 10 years ago, we were 3-1 down in the third, we gained two back to equalise, and then it went into extra time!

Dave: Forget that, Austin! It has to be these guys! [To Gross] On what account do you have it that we are responsible?

Gross: It's all detailed in the latest issue of Reitfart magazine!

Dur: What does it say exactly? On 9 March 2017 at 13:46, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA wrote:

Gross: [Holds up a badly photocopied magazine with the headline "Queens View Party Sabotaged The Raft Themselves", below it is "Secret Love Child Of Alice and Dur Eaten by Charlie"] Read it for yourself!

Alice: Charlie! How could you?

Dur: [Tries to take the magazine to read the article in question] In her defense, baby meat is the most tender. [Looks up to horrified stares] What?! I'm just SAYING! [To Gross] Who publishes this rag?

Gross: Grossbart News.

Charlie: Outrageous! I was never contacted for comment on that story! [Attempts to grab the magazine from Dur]

Moanica: [Covers her head fearfully] Keep away from me, you monster! My head is small and delicate like a baby's!

Romy: Oh! I love this paper! What does it say about the Shadow Government formed by Chanandler and Rachum?

[CHARLIE yoinks the paper from DUR, accidentally punching ROMY on the nose.]

Romy: Ow! Help!

Clint: [To Gross.] Somehow your magazine's journalistic standards seem pretty low. No way would Dur let Charlie get away with eating his secret love child without demanding a cut. No pun intended.

Gross: I wrote this myself! In fact, I saw [points at Alice] her leave the house at 2AM! Out through a window! What do you say now? Smells pretty rotten, like the stench of death.

Alice: Oh, how would you know? You were never in that window!

Gross: But I've looked through it every night for a month.

Moanica: Aha! And I saw HIM [points at Clint] last night, too, down by the docks! They're in it together, trying to make trouble for the rest of us!

Chanandler: Hold on, let's see how that fits with my evidence board!

Alice: Well, I'm evidence [stagily] bored already! [Big smile] See what I did there?

Dur: [Frowning] Yes. Now how do I un-see it? [To Alice and Clint] What were you two doing sneaking out like that?

Alice: I didn't sneak anywhere! Oh, please! Who are you going to believe? Someone who's fought alongside you and mostly tolerated you for years? Or this weirdo?

Gross: Trust dies a quick death on the battlefield.... unlike those who relied on it too much.

Clint: And really, doc, I'm not the type who would make a move on your secret baby mama!

Alice: I didn't sneak anywhere! Oh, please! Who are you going to Joseph

: I saw Clint and Dave prowling around last night too! They looked like they were up to no good, sneaking through the shadows. Sneakily. Sent from my iPhone On 9 Mar 2017, at 17:24, dom >

wrote:

Alice: I didn't sneak anywhere! Oh, please! Who are you going to believe? Someone who's fought alongside you and mostly tolerated you for years? Or this weirdo?

Gross: Trust dies a quick death on the battlefield.... unlike those who relied on it too much. Joseph

: I saw Clint and Dave prowling around last night too! They looked like they were up to no good, sneaking through the shadows. Sneakily.

Dave: Ridiculous. I am ethically and physically incapable of stealth.

Gnuther: Okay, so it seems like some of the party [carefully] may have been out and about, but does it really make any sense that they'd sabotage their own raft?

Mary: Of course it doesn't! What do you think they are? Idiots?

[The Japetians turn and look at the party.]

Romy: No comment.

Charlie: [To the Japetians] Do not judge us all by our more feeble-minded members [pats Dur on the head and gestures toward Alice]! Several in our party are literate, and I am a highly educated, internationally acclaimed scholar! [Growing a bit huffy] Indeed, we ARE capable of launching a simple raft, you know!

Moanica: Even if that's true, maybe they sabotaged the raft to frame one of us!

Alice: Highly educated enough to build a bomb? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Friends! Colleagues! Japetians! What is happening to us? This spectre of suspicion and hostility? Is this truly who we are? Are we really so small minded, so insular and hateful? So quick to embrace a blame culture? No! No we are not! I blame MEEEEEG!!! These vague and divisive .. and completely unfounded 'foretellings' are tearing us apart! Turning us into beasts! I say we BURN THE WITCH!!!!!

Gnuther: [Tearing up at Dave's words] Dave is right! What we have witnessed here IS vague and divisive -- there is nothing to suggest that this raft incident is related to Meeg's no doubt perfect prophecy.

Clint: Well then, let's just fix Rafty and get out of here before the prophecy comes true!

Alice: Stinky is right! We should start work on it tomorrow, and this time have someone like Dur sleep with it to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen.

Charlie: Indeed, but we should have Dur and Mr. Scar guard it in the night, just to be sure. And we should start NOW, rather than tomorrow [claps her hands]. Chop chop! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will produce a ridiculously large axe and start chop chopping with gusto]

Alice: This sounds like a lot of work! Maybe I'll stay working on some nail designs! Joseph

: Do you do designs for toes too? [Looks a little uneasily at the rest of the party]

Alice: Of course, remember the one I did for -- oh! [Gives Joseph a big wink] Yes, I think maybe I could. Do you have a [another wink] "friend" who's interested?

Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Do stay focused on the task at hand, Alice! [To the party] Now, all of you need to get to work repairing this raft at once. Naturally, I would help you, but just now I need to re-index my latest monograph.

Alice: All you need is B, for boring, and then put every page into that! Now, please be quiet while I focus on my work. [Stares at a blank page] Hm. Joseph,

: [More at ease. To Alice] Yes, yes, I have a friend who would be fairly interested in toe nail designs. Do you do ones with a baseball related theme for cheerleaders?

Austin: Everyone should be working on the raft. It is our top priority. rest Unfortunately, I have to go to work and register each duckling tear with the regulatory board, otherwise the insurance will be invalid. I expect that it will take all night. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [pausing mid chop] Huh. Wait a moment... by Ganesh's suitcase! I'm supposed to be being fitted for a new eel skin cravat this morning! Austin how could you have failed to remind me?

Austin: Because it is like dressing a ferret in a Fedora, and because I rest don't care.

Dur: Errr….. yes well…. You see, I would LOVE to help in rebuilding an guarding the raft but tonight is the night I spend celebrating my anniversary of adventuring with this group after all. It usually takes liberal amounts of alcohol to forget the things I have seen!


;;; Inspired by my 10 year work anniversary! Hard to believe I have been working with my current company for that long, and playing this game for nearly that entire time!
Sent from my iPhone On 13 Mar 2017, at 13:01, dom >

wrote:

Dave: [pausing mid chop] Huh. Wait a moment... by Ganesh's suitcase! I'm supposed to be being fitted for a new eel skin cravat this morning! Austin how could you have failed to remind me?

Austin: Because it is like dressing a ferret in a Fedora, and because I don't care. rest

Dave: you said the ferret looked suave in that fedora!

Alice: Please! Can we just have five minutes without somebody talking about vermin in hats? I'm trying to get some work done! Bah! I'll just have to leave you to it!

Clint: Well I'm not going to be the only one working on this! Besides, I have to go take a bath!

Dur: So then it's settled? No one is working on the raft?

Alice: Well, I'll do some work tomorrow, I'm just too busy right now.


;;; Ten years, eh, Kevin? Looks like we're stuck with you!!
appointment to play combat canasta with the Japetus Lady Freeironsmiths Institute. If I'm late they'll give me the third degree.... [pauses to see if anyone gets the Masonic pun..]...

Charlie: [Indignantly] Well, I certainly cannot put off the re-indexing project, for I must complete it before I dust the supplementary dust jackets for all of the books in my library! You surely do not expect me to risk my insurance against primary dust jacket shelf wear?!


;;; Haha Scott! And congrats, Kevin! The game wouldn't be
;;; the same without our beloved weirdo, Dur!

Clint: [Baffled.] I thought Dur was your insurance against dust jacket shelf wear.

Alice: No, he's our insurance against good health!

[Book X, Act IV, Scene VII. The Party's House in Japetus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, all dressed up in their finest clothes.]

Alice: Gosh! This is going to be such an exciting day!

Charlie: [Wearing an extremely modest, very high-necked long-sleeved grey lace dress] Indeed, it is nice to take a bit of time away from my research! [Glances at her watch] Though, how long DO you think this will be? [Hopefully] No longer than an hour, surely?

[Book X, Act IV, Scene VII. The Party's House in Japetus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, all dressed up in their finest clothes.]

Alice: Gosh! This is going to be such an exciting day! XYZSTART

[Everyone stands around awkwardly for a moment.]

Alice: You know, why don't we just meet back here tomorrow and then start?


;;; End of scene, next one coming up after lunch!

Charlie: Hello, Mary! We were just chatting about nonsense, not to worry! [Looks into the pram] And hello, little one! I brought you a present! [Attempts to hand Calypso an enormous dictionary, beaming]

Alice: THAT's a horrible idea! Why not give the child something she actually needs? [Holds up a very badly wrapped gift] A make up kit direct from the Whore Store!

Mary: [Taking the dictionary] That's wonderful, Charlie, thank you! [Takes the gift from Alice] Er, thanks!

[Book X, Act IV, Scene VII. The Party's House in Japetus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE

Dur: Nonsense! With those cheekbones it is practically like looking in a baby sized mirror!

[Book X, Act IV, Scene VII. The Party's House in Japetus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE

Dur: Nonsense! With those cheekbones it is practically like looking in a baby sized mirror!

Alice: Don't get too close Dur, you'll scare her -- or maybe scare the baby!

Dur: [Beams at Mary and the baby] Ah, there is the angel of the hour! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ In a fine top hat and real moose tail suit, will fondly hand the babe's mother a 3' high padded Grendel soft toy and a "my first sharp" en45, 50 Rockwell hardened child sized falchion] Adorable, she will break many hearts and sever many limbs:)

Dur: [Looking concerned] That is certainly a horrible idea....

Clint: [In his least moth-eaten clothes and his finest rope belt.] Haw! And judging by the state of her diapers, she'll produce many a fine insecticide as well! Speaking of which... [Hands out free samples.] If she's very, very lucky, when she grows up she'll get to host such popular game shows as "What the Hell Is That Smell?"!

Clint: [In his least moth-eaten clothes and his finest rope belt.] Haw!

Austin: [To Dave] No doubt she will be swift with a blade. But just look rest at those glorious blue eyes. Enough to melt the hearts of the gods! [Whispers to Clint] All babies have smelly nappies, that's what nappies are for, and she will be toilet trained within the year I don't doubt!

Alice: Stop bothering the baby! Come on, Mary, let's go to the party, er, the christening.

Charlie: [To Austin and Dave] Blue eyes are nice, but what she needs to succeed in life is a formidable mind! [Brandishes another enormous dictionary, awkwardly placing it in the pram. To Mary] She should always consult TWO dictionaries and compare the definitions. Only a lazy mind accepts the first definition she sees!

Alice: Two presents? I didn't know we were getting two presents! [Bitchily] What's the definition for trying too hard?

Charlie: How wonderful! [To Alice, in an excited, sing-song voice] Who wants a dictionary all her own?! [Happily hands Alice a brightly colored and heavily illustrated Baby's First Dictionary]

Alice: [Takes the book and flicks through it] Ah! Here we go. Charlie. One who tries too hard and gives boring presents. Huh! Who knew that you could find interesting things in a book! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR!! It touches me deeply that you all have such fondness for.... Mary's.... strong, clever RED HAIRED child!

Alice: The word gullible isn't there either! [Looks at Calypso] Hm, she does have a shock of red hair, right enough. Too bad she's not a natural blonde like me. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will look sidelong at Alice with raised eyebrow] HAR! Natural blond? HAR! So why you got mousy eyebrows?

Alice: It's a little thing called style! Why don't you look it up in your dictionary while the rest of us feel sorry for Calypso having that awful red hair!

Charlie: [Exasperated] What does the color of her hair matter, as long as she has good research skills?!

Austin: Hey! Everyone just relax! Calm down. [Explains] My hair was a rest beautiful red just like Calypso's, when I was born. Hair colour can change.

Alice: Sure it can!

Mary: I'm glad you all like her so much, because she so reminds me of you. Hair like Dave, eyes like Austin, delicate features like Dur, and [smiles] well, a stink that only Clint could outdo!

Dur: They may be delicate features but they make a powerful statement!

Charlie: [Turns a bit pale] Er, indeed. What do you make of that?!

Mary: That I have the most beautiful daughter in the world! Who wants to push the pram for me?

Dur: [Shoots his hand into the air] I'll do it! Uhhh.... what's a pram?

Alice: I'll drive! [Zips in front of Dur and grabs the handles of the pram, revving it up like crazy]

Alice: I'll drive! [Zips in front of Dur and grabs the handles of the

Austin: [Stands well back. Sighs] I suppose today is as good a day as any rest to get familiar with Alice's driving technique!

Clint: Oh crap. We've all seen how this ends!

Alice: Oh please, like it would be any less dangerous if you did it, Stinky! Why on earth should you drive?

Clint: Because it would be less dangerous if I did it?

Charlie: [Watching Clint closely] Feeling--paternal, are we, Mr. Scar??

Alice: Sure, but to who? Anyway, I say that Calypso's parent should say who drives!

Alice: [Gasps] No! Way!

Clint: I just mean, we let Alice drive, there'll be a little property damage, a crash, a successful getaway... nothing wrong about any of that, but the kid here didn't sign up for it!

Alice: Phew! For a minute there I thought you had violated Mary -- [roars with laughter] imagine such a thing!

Dur: [Folding his arms crossly] I shudder to think...

Alice: [Still laughing] I mean... no offence, but it would be almost as crazy as ... [laughs] YOU being the father!

Dur: [Frowning] I've heard crazier! Anything that comes out of your mouth, for instance!

Alice: [Pretending to be offended] Ooooooh! You talk to your niece with that mouth, Dur? mouth, for instance!

Charlie: [Growing concerned, in a loud whisper] Not DUR? Dur cannot be the father! Surely it is Gnuther?

Alice: [To Mary] It's not Dur! Say it's not Dur!

Mary: [Smiles sweetly] You know, maybe we should get going?

Dur: [Triumphantly] Ha! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ whistles and gazes off innocently]

Austin: [Snorts] I would hardly be Gnuther, he'd still be pouring over the rest details of how many candles to light. Mary is quite correct, we should get going.

Alice: [To Charlie, giddy with excitement] OMG! Dur is the father! [Starts to head off, but crashes the pram into the door jamb] Oops!

Charlie: [Looks at the pram in terror] Oh, hasn't this child enough to worry about, given it's questionable paternity?! [Attempts to "take the wheel" from Alice] Here, let me do it!

Austin: [Through gritted teeth] Dur is clearly not the father! Look at her rest beautiful blue eyes! Sent from my iPhone On 16 Mar 2017, at 10:40, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: [Looks at the pram in terror] Oh, hasn't this child enough to worry about, given it's questionable paternity?! [Attempts to "take the wheel" from Alice] Here, let me do it!

Austin: [Through gritted teeth] Dur is clearly not the father! Look at her beautiful blue eyes! rest Dave:HAR! the vigorous red hair! The eyes will likely become more green in time

Alice: [Struggling to keep the pram from Charlie] So which of you is it? [Loudly to Charlie] Hey, lady! Back off! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [firmly] HAR! The father is a strong and noble warrior! One who would never stoop to breaking a confidence!

Austin: Not only is he a brave and noble warrior, he is also a brilliant rest and talented lawyer. [Quickly adds] Which is how I know him.

Dur: That’s strange, none of those qualities seem anything like the father! Errr, from what I know of him of course [Gives Mary a conspiratorial wink]

Alice: [Pulling the pram away from Charlie with a jerk] So AUSTIN is the father? Well, that's more understandable than Dur!


;;; Poor old Dur!

Dur: [Crossly] The only thing understandable is how confused you are about who the possible father is when the child has such well-defined cheek bones!

Alice: I don't know, I wouldn't have thought of Austin as having particularly finely chiseled cheekbones! I mean, yours are actually more well-defined, Dur!

Dur: [Pleased] Very well made point Alice, my dear, thank you.


;;; 3 for me
particularly finely chiseled cheekbones! I mean, yours are actually more well-defined, Dur!

Charlie: [Aghast] You mean to suggest it could be either Dur OR Mr. Sleaze?! [To Austin and Dur, appalled] What else do you two share?? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [looking red faced and slightly volatile] HAR! I'm pretty sure I'm no lawyer! And the cheekbones are from his mother!!.... Er not that I'm saying I'm the father....

Alice: Okay, so we've established that Dave is not the father, and that I'm the favourite aunt, but which of the others is the father?

Dur: As a doctor, I can say the answer is really quite obvious...

Alice: Go on! Who? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ red faced and shaking with barely controlled frustration- bellowing at Mary] By Seth's furry footwear woman!! Tell them who the father is!!

Mary: I think it's important that we not forget this is Calypso's day. Come on, let's go.

Austin: Absolutely, it's Calypso's day, and oh my, what beautiful forearms rest she has! Let's go everyone.

Meeg: Mary! What a beautiful child! Ready for the christening?

Mary: Oh yes.

Meeg: [In the general direction of the party] Could the father step forward? forward?

Charlie: [Watches the men of the party with a shudder] Oh, dear! I can hardly bear to watch!

Charlie: [Watches the men of the party with a shudder] Oh, dear!  I can hardly bear to watch!

Dur: [Happily and dutifully steps forward] As if you had any doubt, eh Meeg?

Chanandler: [From inside the crowd] Whoo! I win!

Meeg: Congratulations, Dur. You must be very proud.

Dur: You have no idea! My last set of offspring turned out rather unpleasantly! [Shudders slightly at the unpleasant memory] They looked nothing like their father.

Alice: I don't know, Dur -- I thought they bore a startling resemblance to you! Anyway, I guess congratulations is due! [Gives him a hug] I don't even know how it was possible, but well done!

Austin: [Aghast, momentarily silent] He's not the father! I am Calypso's rest father! Mary, sweetest, I really must insist that you support me in this, before this gets even more out of hand!


;;;awa hame
Clint:As if that child's particular reek could come from you! Haw! [Steps forward to proudly claim paternity, then stops.] Say, why do you two [looks from Austin to Dur and back] think you could possibly be the father?
;;; So I got home last night, hopped in the car to head off to buy groceries... car refuses to start. Glory! I head to the phone to
;;; call for a tow and I see a text from my parents which says "check your voice mail." Puzzled, I did so, only to find a message
;;; from my parents informing me that my uncle's had a heart attack. Needless to say, It's been a busy 18 hours, but at least now
;;; I have a fresh battery in the car and an uncle who should be leaving hospital later today.
Sent from my iPhone
;;;;;; best wishes for ur uncle fella.. hope he recovers ok.

;;; It's a bank holiday here today, so we'll have to wait until Monday to sort out this
;;; paternity issue! I hope everything's okay on your end, Tom.

;;; Uncle seems to be fine, though he is apparently an idiot who had a minor heart attack while doing his grocery shopping, recognized it as such but decided
;;; that since it had passed and he felt okay to not bother with seeing a doctor.

Result: a much scarier heart attack four hours later. Glah.


;;; Also, don't do anything Clint wouldn't do on this fine, fine holiday! On 03/17/2017 02:22 AM, Conor Ryan

wrote:

Alice: Hey! So both Dur and Austin claim to be the father? At least Clint and Dave aren't!

Mary: [Smiles sweetly] Let's have the christening!

Dur: [Angrily] We both may claim to be, but only one of us can truly be the father!

Meeg: So which is it? And is it enough to commit muuuuuuuuuuuuuurder? the father!

Charlie: [To Meeg, skeptically] Was anyone murdered with a connection to this child?

Meeg: Not yet!

Clint: But soon, maybe! [Leaps to pummel Austin and Dur] How dare you guys claim to be the father of my child!

Dur: Your child?! It's a good thing I crossed my fingers during my Hippocratic Oath, because I am about to do you so much harm! [Rolls his sleeves up for the impending fight]

Dur: Your child?! It's a good thing I crossed my fingers during my

Austin: [Tries to dodge Clint and land a sneaky punch on him] I have had rest quite enough of you! quite enough of you!

Charlie: [Gasps and tries to intervene between Austin and Clint] Gentlemen! Do calm down at once!

Gnuther: Austin lands a punch, therefore underscoring his claim to be Calypso's father!

Alice: [Grabbing a plastic picnic knife from a nearby table and throwing it on the ground] Knife! Knife! Someone's got a knife!

Dur: [Lunges for the dull knife and will go straight for "Maplin"] If anyone is going to assert a claim to being Caly's father, it's gonna be me!!

Alice: Hey! Came down!

[DUR swings wildly and hits MAPLIN, but the knife just breaks.]

Austin: [Shocked but Dur's atrocities, tries to punch Dur in the eye] Your rest acts of terrorism have no place here! back.]

Charlie: [Tries to keep Austin away from Clint and Dur] You are all quite out of control and setting a very poor example for your alleged child!
;;; Scott is afk?

Dave: By Odin's beard! She is MY alleged child! [Leaps on top of the Charlie/Austin/Clint/Alice/Dur scramble, punching whatever wannabe father he can]

Alice: Ow! Hey! That was me you punched! [Punches back, but hits Charlie in the face by accident] Oops! Sorry Charlie!


;;; It's brawling time! Let's see who can land the most amusing punch / use the most ridiculous weapon, bearing
;;; in mind that there's a picnic and christening set up!

Dur: [Tries to sound imposing with an attempted warcry, which comes out more as a very feminine shriek.] She's MY daughter! [Tries to grab Dave by the hair to dunk him into the Christening tub] Charlie/Austin/Clint/Alice/Dur scramble, punching whatever wannabe father he can] in the face by accident] Oops! Sorry Charlie! more as a very feminine shriek.] She's MY daughter! [Tries to grab Dave by the hair to dunk him into the Christening tub]

Charlie: [Huffily] Oh, that was no accident! You have wanted to do that for YEARS! [Grabs the two massive dictionaries she gifted Calypso and rakes them page-side against Alice's bare legs] And just you wait until I procure a lemon! Oh, how this will sting!!

Clint: [Picks up a chicken leg and tries to wallop Austin in the wobbly-danglies with it] You've had this coming for a while now, lawyer! And Dur, shut up and have some dignity!

Dave: Get your hands off me!

Alice: Ow! Hey! She's injured me with a book -- that's both painful AND embarrassing! [Picks up a hymn book and throws it at Charlie, missing, but hitting Austin] Gah! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: AAAAARGHHH !! Too much!!! There is one father and It is I!!!!!

Clint: Thanks for the assist, Bimbo!

Alice: [Grabs a baptismal shawl and puts it over Clint's head] Oh shut up, Stinky! You're the one who caused all this trouble on my god-daughter's special day!

Dur: [Eating his way through the sandwiches shoved in his face] I am nothing if not dignified! [Spitting bits of food along the way, Dur will try to grab the nearest set of prayer beads and jump on the back of a distracted Clint using the bead as a Garote]

Gnuther: Stop! Stop! Stop! I demand you st-

Meeg: I knew there'd be a ..... muuuuuuuuuurder!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

Clint: [Grabs a plastic fork and stabs out blindly with it.] Ha!


;;; There's a classic Al Bundy scene I'm thinking of but am not seeing in good quality
;;; on the net, more's the pity.
[Book X, Act IV, Scene VIII. The House in Japetus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, all looking worse for wear, and all slowly waking up.]

Alice: [Picking bits of sandwich out of her hair] What the hell? [Gives the party a reproachful look] What did you do?


;;; Tom, you can't tease us like that -- give us some Al Bundy!

Charlie: [Inspects her bruised, scratched arms in annoyance] What did I do?! I merely tried to stop all of you from disgracing yourselves. And at a child's party!

Dur: [Groans and sits up considerably bruised] Who else requires medical attention?

Clint: You tried to paper cut Alice to death with a dictionary, Sarge! [To Alice.] Well, we went to have my daughter christened and then Dur and Dave and the lawyer went nuts and tried to claim her as their own, and then things got a little weird. It's all a bit of a blur. Who's got the aspiring? I've got one mother of a hangover.


;;; not the scene I had in mind, but a picnic...
;;; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inubkn_TmUs

Alice: The last thing I remember was your oafishness destroying what was an otherwise delightful christening. Honestly, I question the commitment of the rest of you to the seriousness and sombreness of the ceremony. I mean, the guy in the dress hadn't even dipped Calypso in the bath tub or read a bunch of boring stuff from the book about Jebus before you ruined the event! Quoting Conor Ryan

:


;;; That's right, blame poor Clint for everything, even though Dur and Austin
;;; were clearly sullying his good name and that of his faithful and loving Mary!

Austin: It was clearly the fault of that buffoon, Mr. Clint Scar. I am rest clearly Calypso's father, and let's not forget, he started the fight! On 03/20/2017 12:47 PM, dom

wrote:


;;; That's right, blame poor Clint for everything, even though Dur and Austin
;;; were clearly sullying his good name and that of his faithful and loving Mary =)

Alice: But she does look a bit like each of you, and, er, well, has each of you been.... you know... friendly with Mary?

Charlie: Obviously they have! Surely even Dur understands the basics of the reproductive process. [Frowns] Though perhaps. . . ? [Looks at the men of the party] Well? Have you been disgracing yourselves with Mary?

Austin: No, it was far, far, from disgraceful. rest

Alice: Does that just go for Dur? Or for all of you?

Dur: [Rubbing his aching head] Just for me obviously as me and Mary are truly in love, our fornication is anything but disgraceful. These others, on the other hand, are abominations seducing the poor, sweet mother of my baby girl.

Alice: If it's anything but disgraceful, you're probably not doing it right!

Austin: He is clearly making this up! As if Mary would stoop so low! That rest really would be a disgrace to humanity itself! [To Dur] Nobody believes you!

Dur: That’s not true! I believe me!

Alice: I'm not sure you do! [To the others] If you bunch of hooligans can refrain from brawling, why don't we just go and ask Mary and resolve this once and for all? As long as we can do this in a mature and sober manner, there shouldn't be any unpleasantness. Once we figure it out, we can then humiliate the losers who aren't the father!

Dur: By all means! I just hope the others of our group are not too devastated when they learn the truth!

Clint: Well said, Doc. By which I mean, be prepared to be devastated, losers.

Alice: [Opens the door] Let's go watch some hearts be broken!

Charlie: [Approaches the group] Hello there! Why are you gathering here?

Moanica: Something terrible has happened! Something awful!

Austin: The bakery ran out of croissants this morning? Meeg was sort of rest correct?

Moanica: Meeg was completely correct!

Austin: In that someone, would be murdered in this town, at some point in rest history?

Gross: Yes, but someone was murdered last night.

Austin: [See Gross] Dam! rest

Alice: Who was murdered?

Moanica: Calypso!


;;; No posting from me until THURSDAY!

;;; Damnit! >.< You're worse than a mid-season hiatus, you know that Conor?

Alice: No! No way! Who did it?

Moanica: One of you, for certain!


;;; We just needed a quick word from our sponsors!!

Gross: Because she wasn't your child! You killed her and left her body tattered on the battlefield.

Charlie: [To Gross, horrified] He did no such thing! Mr. Sleaze has a good many faults, but he is no baby-killer!

Moanica: Well, one of you did it!

Austin: [Blubbing] I would never kill a baby! rest


;;;no net for a while

Dur: [Shaking with rage] I demand justice for this monstrosity! MY little innocent girl!

Gnuther: Let's all calm down! [To the party] You better come in.

Charlie: [To Gnuther] What happened to the poor child?

Gnuther: She was stabbed, multiple times!

Charlie: Poor Mary! Did she see anything that might help us uncovered the monster who did this?

Gnuther: No, but she asked if she could talk to you lot.

Charlie: [To the party] We know nothing of the crime, but we are happy to assist in its investigation! [whips out her DIY Detect! Kit and heads into Mary's house] On 23 March 2017 at 15:16, Heather

wrote:

Dur: Mary, dearest [distraught] Please tell us what happened to our baby?

Austin: [Horrified] Who would do such a thing! rest

Mary: She was stabbed! Six times!

Dur: [Will try to sit by Mary to comfort her] Did you see who did it my dearest?

Clint: [Silently looks around at the party, doing a quick head count, and comes up with a highly inconvenient number.] Yeah! Let us know so we can muuuuuurder them! You know, in the interests of justice.

Mary: I have no idea! Why would anyone stab a baby?

Charlie: [Poised to write in her DIY Detect! Detective's Notebook] Did the baby have any enemies? Perhaps a precocious toddler with an unhealthy interest in blood?

Mary: No! Everybody loved Calypso, almost as much as they love me!

Alice: You are adorable!

Dur: Perhaps we can uncover some clues at the scene of the atrocity?

Austin: I guess there is nothing else to do [Tries to comfort Mary] rest

Mary: It happened here! Someone came into her room during the night and killed her!

Charlie: [Looks around for footprints or other helpful clues] Perhaps we should ask the neighbors if any of them heard or saw anything that might help us?

Charlie: [Looks around for footprints or other helpful clues] Perhaps we out to see the neighbors are gathered outside]

Neighbours: [Chanting] Lock them up! Lock them up!

Clint: Start with Meeg!

Dur: Lock WHO up?

Alice: [Chanting along] Lock them up! Lock them up! [To Gnuther] Who do they want locked up?

Gnuther: The six of you.

Alice: Lock them up! Lock them -- hey!

Austin: This is most disturbing, we were obviously drugged so that we rest would be unable to defend Calypso, and also have no memory of the vile and despicable event, and now we are being framed for it!

Neighbours: Lock them up! Lock them up!

Gnuther: Er, maybe it might be best if you continue this conversation in your own house. Some of the townspeople seem to think that you are responsible.

Alice: Why do they think that?

Gnuther: A number of witnesses claim they saw you sneaking around during the night, and there was also that unpleasantness at the christening.

Alice: Oh please. You call that unpleasant? You've clearly never seen Phillimas dinner at the Bassett-Short house!

Charlie: And surely anyone who witnessed [finger quotes] the unpleasantness could hear that the argument was about who could claim paternity of this adored and much-mourned infant! Why would any of us wish to harm her?!

Dur: And WHO is claiming they saw us out and about? Sounds like they may be good suspects!

Clint: [Quietly, just to the group] Say, are you guys with me in thinking that now would be a good time to find the murderer, feed him his spleen, and then skip town?

Gnuther: [To Dur] Gross, Moanica, Joseph, Rachm, Romy and Chanandler!

Alice: [To Clint] Yes to all except the last part!

Neighbours: Lock them up! Lock them up!

Mary: Please! Make them stop!

Alice: [Rubs Mary's shoulder] You know, maybe we should go back to our own place to make a plan?

Charlie: [Eyes Alice's affection toward Mary] Goodness, have we another candidate for father?!

Austin: [In disbelief at the suggestion] That's not possible, you are both rest female! both female!

Charlie: [To Austin, in a low voice] Just because it isn't biologically possible does not mean Alice does not believe it. Just how delusional she was about her relationship with Deuce!

Charlie: [To Austin, in a low voice] Just because it isn't biologically

Austin: Now I am worried, very worried. rest

Mary: Please! Find out who did this terrible thing!

Dur: Of course we will me dear! Come group, we must get started immediately! I believe we know who are prime suspects are!

Neighbours: Lock them up! Lock them up!

Alice: Er, I think it's us!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act IV, Scene IX. The Party's House in Japetus. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, having sneaked back to the house, as the streets are full of protesters, in spite of a blizzard suddenly having blown up.]

Alice: Oh my God! Who do we think it was? That Gross guy, right? [Shivers] I'm freezing!

Austin: He does seem to have been at the scene of every crime, and he's rest crazy!

Alice: And he's been saying that we're the ones likely to do it for ages, so maybe he's just trying to throw attention off himself?

Alice: Why is this thing so cold?

Clint: Remember, Bimbo, "When Mr. Open Flame is visiting, Mr. Fireplace is not your friend"? >

Alice: And he's been saying that we're the ones likely to do it for

Austin: That's how they are when the servants have not maintained them. rest [Looks around for Dur]

Dur: Then perhaps ‘someone’ ought to go and fetch them?

Alice: Good, thanks, Dur. Off you go! [Looks into the fire] Hey! I think there's a sword in here!

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oooh, let me see! [Tries to get the sword]

Alice: Be careful! They could be hot!

Alice: Be careful! They could be hot!

Austin: Someone is clearly trying to frame us. Six stab wounds, six rest swords, one for each of us, burned in our fireplace to make it look as if it was us trying to cover the evidence [Considers this] Although you'd have to be really daft to hide the evidence in your own fireplace!

Clint: Yeah, but maybe they think we'd be dumb enough to let the wrong party member dispose of the evidence?

Alice: Is that a confession? Did you dispose of the evidence, Stinky? [Looks at the swords] They're not our swords!

Clint: Of course they're not. Is that going to matter to the lynch mob out there?

Alice: Where did they come from? Are they the ones that were outside people's houses?

Dur: I suppose it is worth looking into, carefully obviously. Can we sneak past that angry mob? Perhaps disguises?

Alice: [Triumphantly produces a box of fake moustaches] This will do! sneak past that angry mob? Perhaps disguises?

Charlie: [Giddily] Oooh, I'll take this one!! [eagerly grabs an elaborate, bushy, bright red handlebar moustache]
;;; Dom is out most of today

Austin: [Gingerly picks up a pencil moustache] I suppose this will have to do.

Alice: [Snags an outrageously large black one] Perf!

Dur: [Selects a tastefully designed 'Fu Manchu'] Do you think they will recognize us?
;;; Scott is also afk at the moment

Dave: [Putting on a ludicrous red beard over his own ludicrous red beard] Our own mothers wouldn't recognise us!

Austin: [Looking at himself in his moustache] It does not suit me in the rest least. No one will recognise me!

Alice: [Dryly] Surely people would recognise the fineness of your suit? the

Charlie: [Nods] Mr. Scar, do loan Mr. Sleaze your [finger quotes] fancy trousers. You remember, the ones you found in that gutter wrapped around the dead skunk?!

Clint: [Donning one of those Victorian monstrosities that makes it look rather like he's got a badger attached to his upper lip. ] Only because it's an emergency! [Hands over the trousers. ] By the way, how did going like the dead skunk, Doc? Good eating?

Clint: [Donning one of those Victorian monstrosities that makes it look those! [Gets out another perfect suit] I shall wear this, it is so last month, and completely worn out. I think I wore it for a whole day once!

Alice: [Popping on a top hat, monocle and cigar] Good lord, Austin, you look quite the homeless person in that suit! [Guffaws] One must remember that simply delicious outfit when it comes to Halfoween next year!

Charlie: [Dons a black suit jacket] There, no one will suspect me if I'm not wearing grey! [Looks blankly at Austin] Where did Mr. Sleaze go?

Alice: [Does a double take] What the? Who the hell are you?

Austin: Great, so these disguises are working well. How will we recognise rest each other? recognise each other?

Charlie: [Claps delightedly] Oh, well done, Mr. Sleaze! [Eagerly] Here, I shall create name tags to help us identify one another. [Rapidly writes out names on tags] I shall go by Elsinore Quatermain-Pembroke!

Alice: Oh, I'll never remember a name like that! [Starts writing names on tags and gives one to Charlie] There, that's much better, Austin! [Hands ones to Dave] Alice.

Dave: Name tags? We don't need no stinkin' name tags! Let's just all stay together!

Dur: Or! We could tie one long length of rope around each of our waists so that we are certain we are with the correct group of people. That is certain to not arouse suspicion!

Alice: Great idea, Clint! [Gives Dur a name tag with Clint mis-spelled]

Clint: I'm not sure which of us should feel more insulted, Doc, but

Alice: Sure! Come on, let's go do some investigating!

[The party slip out the back entrance, where there are a bunch of townspeople, none of whom appear to recognise them due to their cunning disguises.]

Clint: Right. Let's start with motive. Like, say, what kind of sicko has any motive at all to be attacking a baby? If we can figure that out, maybe we can narrow things down from "ask around until someone confesses" to something more realistic!

Alice: Not a bad idea, Stinky. Now, it does seem like maybe Meeg was onto something? It has to be one of the others, doesn't it? You know, Gross and the others?

Clint: Yeah. Maybe we should just do a little breaking and entering so we can hunt for clues!

Dave: Then we can start bashing in heads. Let's start with Gross, he lives in number one.

Austin: Well that's no surprise! rest

Alice: [Looking over at Rachum's house (number 2)] The one above Rachum's house is gone too!

Austin: Why would they want to frame us? Let's find out who the other four rest are! four are!

Charlie: [Alarmed, in a low voice] Wait a moment! Did WE not very recently stab a baby bust with six swords?!

Alice: Uh oh! We did! Let's check out the other ones!

Alice: What does this mean?

Austin: I think we had to skip one of the swords? You know, in that weird rest room with the puzzles. weird room with the puzzles.

Alice: The third one, I think. weird room with the puzzles.

Charlie: [Goes to the third sword and attempts to take it] Let us see what clues this sword might hold!

Alice: What? What happened?

Charlie: [In a horrified whisper] We did it! WE killed her! I saw it. . . .

Dave: No! No way! Not my own daughter!

Dur: He means my daughter, but I agree! Surely we aren't capable of such.... [Tries to grab the sword]

Austin: Of course not! He means my daughter! [Tries to take the sword] rest

Dave: I mean MY daughter! [Also tries to grab the sword]

Austin: [Looking lost] Why? rest

Dave: By Odin's beard! Noooooooooo!

Alice: Yeeesh! What is wrong with you? [Picks up the sword, only to drop it again] But... did we do that? I think we did!

Dur: [Crumbles to the ground staring at his hands] Surely, I thought I would never be capable of such an atrocity against my own daughter.  

Austin: It does not make any sense, why would we do that? Perhaps we were rest drugged? Hypnotised?

Alice: [Urgently] We're attracting a crowd -- let's get back to house!

Charlie: [Looks at the crowd anxiously] Indeed, let us try to escape the justice we may richly deserve!

Alice: Lock them up! Lock them up! [To the party] Let's go!

Dur: [Sadly] We deserve worse than just being locked up...

Austin: Despite the fact that vision seemed horrifically real, none of us rest has any recollection of the actual event, so it is unlikely to be real. I mean, why would any of us do that? One of us, maybe [looks at Dur] all of us? No way!

Clint: But why didn't we remember doing it? If someone's mind-controlling us or something, we should blame him or her and... have a word with them! It's probably the same person who made us sabotage Rafty!

Alice: Clint's right -- someone made us kill poor old Rafty. I mean, why would we want to do that? We were in such a rush to get home to save the world! [Thinks] Well, I suppose, we WERE in a rush, but, wow, that seems like a long time ago, doesn't it?


;;; It IS a long time ago. The party have been here for almost a year.

Charlie: [Unhappily] Perhaps we are being manipulated by someone who does not wish to save the world!

Alice: I bet it's Dur! It's just the kind thing he would do!

Mary: Please tell me you found who did this terrible thing? It was Gross, wasn't it?

Austin: I really don't know, my love. [Takes a deep breath] You really rest must tell us which one of us was Calypso's father.

Mary: Why? What difference does that make?

Mary: Why? What difference does that make?

Austin: Because we are living the lie, it's a small hell not to know if rest you are Calypso's father or not. How can we grieve with such a question unanswered? Right now we all grieve as if we are the father, and have great empathy for our co-claimants, but no sympathy for them.

Mary: I'm starting to think that eyewitnesses are right! [Stares him in the eye] Did you stab Calypso?

Charlie: [Quickly] Not that we recall, in the traditional sense!

Charlie: [Quickly] Not that we recall, in the traditional sense!

Austin: [To Mary] No, I don't think I did. I have no recollection of doing rest so, nor do I have any motive whatsoever.

Mary: Then why aren't you helping find out who did? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (looking very troubled). Hey Charlie woman. You are the closest thing we have to a smart person... so wasn't there a statue of a stabbed baby back in Seth's office that was connected to the portal that brought us here to Japetus? I think this is all very bad herringy.

Mary: Then why aren't you helping find out who did?

Austin: I am helping to find out who did kill Calypso! Knowing the rest identity of the father is a critical step in that process.

Mary: I think Gross is right about you! [Turns and storms out, slamming the door behind her]

Alice: Well, if Gross says that Austin is guilty, he's almost certainly innocent!

Mary: I think Gross is right about you! [Turns and storms out,

Austin: Thank you Alice. [Looks puzzeled] Does anyone have any idea as to rest why Mary will not tell us who the father is. [Frowns] The only thing I can thin of, is that she does not know. [Grimaces] Which is perfectly awful. [Shudders] Or that she does know but the truth is too shocking, or incriminating? to why Mary will not tell us who the father is. [Frowns] The only thing I can thin of, is that she does not know. [Grimaces] Which is perfectly awful. [Shudders] Or that she does know but the truth is too shocking, or incriminating?

Charlie: [To the men of the party] Do any of you actually remember being [delicately] intimate with Mary?

Alice: And spare us no detail!

Dur: Well let's see now... [Starts to think. Queue the flashback sequence!]

Alice: [Looks ill] Well, that was all described in such lurid detail, I think it has to be true. So Dur IS the father!

Austin: That proves nothing. Other than that Dur is a vile and disgusting rest human being!

Clint: It also proves that he knows more about how babies are made than I'd have guessed!

Alice: This is getting us nowhere! Do we think this whole thing is a fake and that we're being tricked into believing we killed Calypso? If so, what has it got to do with why some of us may have sabotaged Rafty?

Charlie: Perhaps NONE of this is true! Honestly, how likely do we think it is that Dur actually engaged in intercourse, no matter how [shudders] convincingly he described it?!

Alice: True! For that matter, how likely is that all of them managed to have sex with the same woman? Especially one as nice as Mary! I mean, no offence, guys, but... come on!

Dur: [Huffily] Do I need to run the flashback for you AGAIN, Alice!?

Alice: Oh GOD no! Look, do we think we this or not?

Dur: [Sadly] Yes, I do believe we did this horrible, horrible think. It's so terrible, I can barely eat. [Takes a sandwich from his underwear, takes a tiny bite, and returns it]

Alice: [Sits down] I think we did it too.

Clint: [Guiltily, and with a certain degree of self-loathing.] Yeah, I think we did. I just wish I knew why!

Alice: Maybe it has something to do with that baby statue? I mean, we stabbed a baby with all but the third sword twice, right?


;;; That was a hilarious post, btw, Kevin!
think we did. I just wish I knew why!

Charlie: [Wails] Oh, you are all right! There is no point in keeping up this charade--we committed this hideous evil!

Gnuther: Meeg was right all along!

Austin: And it was completely useless information, as it achieved rest nothing. Calypso is still dead. [Looks gloomy and looks at the shine on his shoes]

Gnuther: I know, but at least we have the murderers!

Dur: [Gloomily] Sadly, no punishment for this horror will ever be enough. I was the poor child's father after all, how could I do such a thing.

Gnuther: That's exactly what I said to Gross when he claimed it was you guys, but he cracked and admitted that he did it.

Dur: [Snaps his head around in confusion] What?

Gnuther: [Nods sadly] I know, it's shocking.

Alice: Shocking isn't the word for it!

Gnuther: [Nods sadly] I know, it's shocking.

Austin: But how did he do it? How did he give us those visions from the rest swords?


;;;awa hame

Gnuther: Visions from the swords? Oh, you must be thinking of the Legends of the Swords. Anyone who does something evil with them is cursed to relive the moment any time they touch another one.

Alice: So the visions are true?

Gnuther: One hundred percent. According to the legend.

Charlie: [Perplexed] And Gross saw just such a vision, did he?

Alice: So the visions are true?

Austin: Another issue is whether or not you are telling the truth. rest

Gnuther: I don't think so, he's been denied access to any weapons since his confession. [To Austin, with a half smile] Is it? [Serious] I'm afraid it is all very true, Gross is currently imprisoned and the townspeople are getting ready to lynch him.

Gnuther: I don't think so, he's been denied access to any weapons

Austin: Yes, and what were the circumstances under which Gross confessed? rest

Gnuther: After Mary visited you, she went to Gross -- I think being confronted with his crime cracked him!

Dur: Might WE have a chance to confront the man? Obviously ONE of us is the true father, I think it only our given right to interview the man before he is lynched?

Gnuther: Hah! Want to twist the knife a bit before he swings, eh? Sure, that should be fine. Hang on a few minutes and I'll sort it out. I'll send someone to get you.

Alice: What hell? Why would he confess if we did it?

Charlie: Perhaps none of us did it, and the person who did has brainwashed us into thinking we did it! Let us go ask Gross why he thinks he did it. If it was the Legend of the Sword, perhaps the sword has been tampered with!

Alice: Good idea!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act IV, Scene X. The Town Jail. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, having pushed their way in past cheering crowds, who hail them as heroes. In side here are GNUTHER and some town guards, along with GROSS, who's behind bars. The swords are in a pile on a table.]

Gnuther: Ah! I was about send some flunky to get you -- couldn't wait, eh? [To the guards] Come on, let's give them some privacy. [To the party] Now don't go killing him, the town wants a hanging!

[Exit GNUTHER and the guards.]

Dur: Tell us why you confessed your crime Gross.

Gnuther: Because I'm guilty. I'm a damned dirty baby killer.

Charlie: Could you tell us what evidence you have of your crime?

Clint: So you don't remember doing it? you get a vision?

Gross: Of course I remember! [Reaches out and touches one of the blades] Oh no. [Unconvincingly] The vision. It is really awful. Please. Make it stop.

Austin: Well, unfortunately I think that was a false admission of guilt. rest Perhaps he was coerced or has mental health issues. Someone sabotaged the raft to keep us here, then set us up for murder, again to stop us from leaving, and not Gross is admitting guilt for a crime he did not commit, in order to protect us. Something very very odd is going on. I am most surprised that the Sarge has not yet uncovered the plot. [To Charlie] Must be old age or something, getting slow?

Alice: She must be. Soon she'll almost be as slow as you!

Charlie: [Defensively, holding up a notepad] I'm doing my best, but I've run out of notepads! [To Gross] Why did you kill Calypso? run out of notepads! [To Gross] Why did you kill Calypso?

Gross: Because I'm a disgusting human being who hates babies. And kittens. And nice suits. And food. And liquor. And hair products. And beards. kittens. And nice suits. And food. And liquor. And hair products. And beards.

Charlie: [Gasps] You stand in direct opposition of the very things we love most! [To the party] Either this man is uncommonly evil, or he is being manipulated!

Dave: Too much of a monster??

Austin: [To Gross] You are a monster and deserve to die horribly, that rest much we all agree on. However, that does not mean you committed the crimes that you lay claim to. [To Alice] I'm not slow, if I told everyone the answers all of the time no one else would get a chance to learn anything!

Dur: [Looking worried.] Well Gnuther did say that Gross had gone to see someone before confessing.... but surely my dear sweet Mary could not be involved somehow?

Austin: [Looking at some notes] Everything points to Mary! Whoever did rest this is trying to set her up too! everything else!

Clint: Or maybe Mary is just protecting the father of her child. Plus you other guys.

Clint: Or maybe Mary is just protecting the father of her child.

Alice: Hm, who on earth could we ask about this?

Mary: Hello! [Glares at Gross] Murderer!

Gross: [Drops his head] I'm sorry.

Dur: [Glancing between Mary and Gross nervously] Mmm-Hmmm…. Mary Dear… how did you come to realize it was Gross?

Clint: Say, uh, snookums, you didn't, I dunno, talk Gross here into confessing unconvincingly so you could protect us, did you? was when he confessed, of course. Now come on, the sooner he is lynched, the sooner we can get back to normal. was when he confessed, of course. Now come on, the sooner he is lynched, the sooner we can get back to normal.

Charlie: [Alarmed] What about due process? Shouldn't we have a trial before he's executed?

Gross: Not at all. The sooner I swing for my heinous crimes, the better.

Austin: Clearly mad as a hatter! He will easily win with an insanity plea. rest How can we make him appear sane? plea. How can we make him appear sane?

Mary: He's not sane, he killed Calypso. Once he's dead, we can get back to normal and forget about all this unpleasantness.

Clint: [Trying to be helpful] Bribe the jurors? Quoting Tom Henderson

:


;;; Wow, Conor's last message just showed up in my inbox or maybe I just missed it.
;;; Probably I just missed it. Ugh.
;;; Pretend Clint is just very hard of hearing, I guess.
normal and forget about all this unpleasantness.

Mary: Don't be silly -- why would we need jurors when he confessed. No, come on, let's go. All back to my house for some brandy! come on, let's go. All back to my house for some brandy!

Charlie: [To Mary] Who will carry out this justice, one wonders?

Clint: Oh, I'm sure we'll find someone who's just dying to do it.

Austin: [To Mary] Errm, I am not sure if brandy is a good idea right now, rest much as we would love to take you up on your kind offer, the last time we drank it an awful lot of bad things happened.


;;;awa hame
much as we would love to take you up on your kind offer, the last time we drank it an awful lot of bad things >happened.

Mary: [To Charlie] There's an angry mob outside who'll be in charge of dispensing justice. [To Austin] Oh, please. Sometimes something wonderful happens when we all drink brandy!

Clint: For example, you end up pregnant with a child of uncertain paternity!

Mary: [With a big, warm smile] Exactly! Let's get brandied!

Charlie: [To Mary, with a forced laugh] Marvelous, lead the way! [To the party, discreetly] NO brandy! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [I'm back] maybe just a "little" brandy?

Dur: [Aside to the group] Didn't we have brandy the night that our sweet little Calypso was murdered? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Yes! It was strong stuff! Knocked me out totally! Not much can do that you know...

Austin: Yes, Mr Dur. That would be enough to put any father off drinking rest it.

Dur: D….Did we have Brandy the night the raft was destroyed? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: yes my small friend I recall we did! Though I don't recall much after that... after that...

Austin: It seems like who ever did this waits until we are all blind drunk rest before they act. I don't even remember how much Brandy we drank.

Austin: It seems like who ever did this waits until we are all blind drunk rest actually did all that stuff!

Dur: [Smiling pleasantly at Mary] Excuse us for a moment my dear! Me and my compatriots need a group huddle before our brandy! [Beckons the group together’ What if there is something IN the brandy? Something that could make us do horrible things and then completely forget about them? my compatriots need a group huddle before our brandy! [Beckons the group together’ What if there is and then completely forget about them?

Alice: Could be! But what about the baby statue that we stabbed back in hell? Do we think that has anything to do with what happened to Calypso?

Clint: Or... [dramatically] it could be both? Maybe this is all happening in our minds! [Looks around at some of the party.] Uh.. yeah, probably not. But maybe it's some kind of test or something! happening in our minds! [Looks around at some of the party.] Uh.. yeah, probably not. But maybe it's some kind of test or something!

Charlie: Perhaps it IS all in our minds! Here [pinches Alice's arm]! Are you awake?!

Alice: Ow! Hey! That hurt! So if it is in our minds, then how do we get out of it?

Mary: Good news, everyone! I'm pregnant! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: This is pure craziness.

Mary: I know! Isn't it great? Come on, let's all get back to normal!

Austin: We would love to get back to normal, what ever that is? [To the rest party] So, we were in the room, we stabbed the statue thing, and then we were floating down a river on a raft, and ended up in a town with no entrances or exits, sort of a big, rather pleasant, mostly, prison. party] So, we were in the room, we stabbed the statue thing, and then we were floating down a river on a raft, pleasant, mostly, prison.

Mary: Don't be silly -- if it were a prison, why would you have sabotaged your own raft? Now, come on, let's have a party! ;; Sent to just me by accident

Mary: Don't be silly -- if it were a prison, why would you have sabotaged

Austin: If we did sabotage our own raft, we did it against our will. All rest of the evidence points towards you, a rather obvious and crude setup, yet you will not give us any information to defend your case... Who are you really? What did you do with the real Mary? of the evidence points towards you, a rather obvious and crude setup, yet you will not give us any information to defend your case... Who are you really? What did you do with the real Mary?

Charlie: And when did you become pregnant again?! of the evidence points towards you, a rather obvious and crude setup, yet you will not give us any information to >defend your case... Who are you really? What did you do with the real Mary?

Mary: Oh, Charlie! You and your nerdy questions and notebooks! [To the others] Nerds, eh? [To Austin] I am the real Mary! And when you sabotaged the raft, you did it of your own free will, because you knew it would be better to stay here than go back to your own world. You know you're happier here -- and yes, killing Calypso was a blip, but we can just forget about that unpleasantness.

Dur: A blip? What does THAT mean? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: so, we are not having brandy then?

Clint: You mean the evil mind control brandy? Best not to, don't you think?

Austin: Yes, best not. [To Mary] We very much like our own world, we went rest to hell to try to save it. I for one would like to go back.


;;;awa hame, have a good weekend

Clint: [To Mary] We tried to, but someone made us destroy poor old Rafty!

Mary: No one made you destroy Rafty, you did it yourselves because you knew you were happy here! You can be again!

Mary: Stay here! We can all be happy together again! [Suddenly no longer pregnant, she holds out a newborn baby] Look! It's a boy!

Charlie: [Looks at the newborn in horror] Congratulations?! [To the party] Quickly, let's make for the raft and try to repair it!

Mary: No! Don't go!

Clint: Sorry, babe, but we've got places to go and worlds to save.

Dur: This place is nuts, let's get outta here! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Yes. Let us leave. It is hard enough being surrounded by you crazy people, without all these other crazy people.

Mary: Then damn you! Damn you all to earth! I curse you to never find the peace that you had here! I curse you to forever fail at every endeavour! I curse you to be betrayed by one of your own! Now, begone! Begone!

Alice: Er, does that mean we don't get any more brandy?

Mary: I curse you to never enjoy the sweet taste of brandy again!

Alice: Yeesh, no need to be a bitch about it!

[The bright light outside gets even more brighter, and the party are enveloped in the light, before all collapsing unconscious.]


;;; End of Book X, Act IV. New act starts on Monday!
[Book X, Act V, Scene I. The Very Smelly Pipe. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, sliding down a huge pipe that smells like a sewer outlet.]

Alice: Wooooah! What's going on?

Charlie: [Holding her nose] Perhaps we have been invited to Mr. Scar's home?

Alice: Steady on, Charlie, it's hardly that bad! [Glug!] Ew! I just swallowed some!

Charlie: [Primly] If you would only keep your mouth shut for even one minute, you would not [takes a huge mouthful herself and gags]--dear God! [Frantically tries to spit the taste out of her mouth]

Alice: Hey! I don't talk too much! As a matter of fact, I - [glug] ew! Tastes like Clint smell!

Alice: Hey! I don't talk too much! As a matter of fact, I - [glug] ew!

Austin: [Covers his face with his hands] Help! rest

Deuce: Moist towelette?

himself in the scrubbing vigourously]

Charlie: [To Deuce, delighted] Oh, how marvelous to see you! [Urgently]

Deuce: [Pats a crate of mouthwash bottles] Sure do!

Alice: Deuce! It's so great to see you! [Goes to hug him]

Deuce: Uh-uh! [Holds up another towelette] What would Austin do?

Alice: Say something mean about someone's appearance?

Deuce: Sure, but first he'd clean himself!

Clint: Why?

Deuce: I'm guessing that unlike you, Clint, he normally smells better than he does now! Sent from my iPhone On 10 Apr 2017, at 16:09, dom >

wrote:

Deuce: Moist towelette?

Austin: Oh god please! [Grabs a zillion moist towelettes and covers himself in the scrubbing vigourously] rest

Dave: Dave. Nice to meet you Moist. Can I have one of those wipes?

Clint: We've just escaped from a mind-controlling she-beast whose lies cost us what felt like a year of our lives and you guys are worried about a little smell? Embrace it! Enjoy it! At least it's real. I hope.

Clint: We've just escaped from a mind-controlling she-beast whose lies cost

Austin: [Looking very clean, and wearing a new suit, shoes and shirt. To rest Deuce] Are there any showers and baths around here? I shall need several of each!


;;;awa hame

Alice: [To Clint] It is real, real stinky!

Deuce: That depends on what kind of shower you want, Aus. [To Dave] Knock yourself out, buddy, have a whole box. [Smiles] Man, I haven't been called Moist for a long time! Do we know each other? You remind me of an old friend of mine, except with different colour hair, smaller beard and about two feet shorter. Oh, and with one leg. Well, and the fact that she's female. Other than that, the resemblance is uncanny! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: hmmm I'm thinking back and you do seem a little familiar.... but HAR! Where are we my dear chap?

Deuce: Madam Drump's House of Showers.

Austin: How fortunate, I'll have five! rest

Charlie: [Eagerly] So shall we all! [Points a warning finger at Dur] And we shall know if you only dampen your towel!

Deuce: Excellent! I'll tell Madam Drump to get the girls to start drinking!

Austin: Drunken shower maids? [Shrugs] I prefer them sober, but I guess rest it's a local custom or something?

Deuce: [Laughs] Sure! That's what I mean. Soooo, you guys have fun in hell?

Dur: Well... that depends on what part of the story we're talking about! hell?

Charlie: [Primly] It was an enormous waste of time, so no.

Deuce: Are you sure about that?

Austin: [To Deuce] Not really, we achieved nothing apart from meeting and rest escaping from some weird demon woman that trapped us in some weird world that she made. [Looks around] I take it that we a re not longer in Hell then! [Sighs in relief}

Deuce: Not unless your idea of hell is a place where unhealthy girls with Daddy issues pee on gentlemen for a small consideration!

Clint: It's certainly not my idea of heaven!

Austin: They want people to pay them to pee on them? I suppose some people rest will pay for anything! It's no wonder there are so many showers around this place!

Clint: [Suppressing a smirk] When the bath attendant comes by, make sure you tell her you feel particularly dirty and really need an all-body clean. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ugh. I preferred Japetus.

Alice: Er, yeah, that's right. That pee thing sounds, uh, terrible. No sir, I wouldn't like that.

Charlie: [To Deuce, scolding] Do NOT take advantage of this poor woman's desire to please you at any cost to her dignity!

Deuce: [Looks Alice up and down] Maybe I'm the one who's died and gone to heaven!

Alice: [Salaciously to Deuce] I'll be your grave digger, if you know what I mean!

Deuce: Er, not really, but I do like your desire to please me at any cost! [To the party in general] So, I know the trip back probably wasn't all that much fun, and probably involved doing something awful, but other than that, how did you enjoy hell? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I for one expected more flames, ice and ceaseless torment. The whole thing was just confusing for the most part.

Deuce: That's hell for you, one big disappointment after another. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: so, what's going on here then- aside from the previously mentioned weird stuff?

Deuce: A whole bunch of ex-gods and ex-devils burst out of hell and are rampaging across the Realms, leaving a trail of death and destruction behind them. Apparently someone imprisoned Seth in hell and let them all go.

Charlie: [Defensively] Perhaps it was a clever part of a deeper plan to save all of humanity! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: What kind of idiots what do a thing like..... oh.

Alice: Kind of like how getting us to work with hipsters and the Phillite Mothers Against Fun to distract HARMA, even though the hipsters and the PMAF hate us almost as much as they hate HARMA, isn't it?

Austin: [To Deuce] We had to improvise, and compromise. It was by far the rest best option available, and there was nothing easy or simple about imprisoning Seth. Once again we risked our very souls to save the Realm.

Deuce: Good for you, Austin. I didn't have it easy either -- I was stuck here waiting for you guys and they ran out of ham after three days! [To Alice] Yeah, that's kinda true.

Charlie: [To Deuce, dryly] How ever did you survive?

Deuce: I don't mind telling you, Puddin'-Pop, it was bleak. [Looks off into the distance, a faraway look in his eyes and a sadness written on his brow] I just did my best to keep it together, knowing that I had to survive long enough to meet you guys.

Alice: Poor Deucie! How long have you been here?

Deuce: This is Day Four.

Dur: [Pulling a slice of old ham from his pants pantry and munching it] We've only been gone for 4 days?

Deuce: Three and a bit -- it's 9AM on Day Four of the Great Ham Shortage.

Dur: [Pulling a slice of old ham from his pants pantry and munching it]

Austin: Not several years? [Sighs] Another dungeon dimension! [Check his rest skin] We'll be old before our time!


;;;awa
skin
] We'll be old before our time!

Charlie: [Looks at Austin carefully] Oh, do not worry, Mr. Sleaze! You do not look a day over 40!

Dur: [Playing to Austin’s insecurity] Dear god…. I… is that a grey hair Austin?!

Deuce: Tell me about it, I'm really only 21!

Alice: Aw, poor Deucie! Lots of time in hell dimensions?

Deuce: Not really, more a lifetime of carousing and ham gorging.

Alice: [Irritatedly to Dur and Charlie] Speak up! Old Man Aus can't hear you when you mumble like that!

Clint: At least we'll qualify for senior night at the bingo parlor. So there's that to look forward to! Assuming our cunning plan for saving the world doesn't wind up eliminating bingo parlors, anyway.

Alice: So all these rampaging ex-gods and ex-devils, how's that working out?

Deuce: It seems to be keeping Will pretty busy! out?

Charlie: [Triumphantly] Just as we planned! [To Deuce] See, it WAS a brilliant plan!

Austin: [Sharply] I do not have any grey hairs, and never have done. I rest check regularly. [To Charlie] Perhaps you need to have your vision tested? If it is okay, then you should see a psychiatrist, because you are hallucinating. ;;Aww, taking advantage of poor Aus while I am in meetings! That's low! :)

Deuce: It seems to be, although things are a little... unsettled right now!


;;; You would have been disappointed if anything else happened!
now!

Charlie: [Reasonably] Well, one does not release dozens of disaffected Seths and not expect a bit of messiness. Surely it will sort itself out while we attempt to reason with Will.

Deuce: Perhaps, but not all devils are created equal.

Charlie: [Concerned] Oh? Has one of them taken over?!

Deuce: Not quite, but one seems to be more powerful than the rest.

Alice: At least tell us that it's one of the nice devils!

Deuce: It's one of the nice devils.

Alice: Really? Yay!

Deuce: Not really, but I just can't stand to see a beautiful girl be disappointed. [Gives her a smile and a finger gun]

Alice: [Swoon!] Aw!

Austin: [Nods at Deuce] It sounds like an awful experience. But who is the rest most powerful devil? [Casually checks his nails and smiles]

Deuce: A young hooligan by the name of James Kidd. He's adorable but deadly.


;;; The party actually met him in hell:

The party meeting James Kidd Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR, well we've stabbed up babies before eh?

Austin: Oh, Him, seems like a nice kid. rest


;;; wake pun intended

Deuce: It might take more than a stabbing this time, because he does seem like a nice kid. Not the sort that would punch a man in the back of the testicles and steal his ham at all.

Charlie: [To Deuce] Your standards for niceness are rather alarming! Has this so-called [finger quotes] nice kid tried to harm poor Wilhelmina?

Deuce: He certainly hasn't punched her in the back of the testicles and stolen her ham, if that's what you're asking!

Austin: A relief for everyone on many levels! rest Sent from my iPhone On 13 Apr 2017, at 15:46, dom >

wrote:

Deuce: He certainly hasn't punched her in the back of the testicles and stolen her ham, if that's what you're asking!

Austin: A relief for everyone on many levels! rest

Dave: hmm, this aggravated ham theft...am I right in thinking this happened, and you, or someone close to you, was the victim?

Deuce: [Nods] Yep, I was the vic. Now we've got an angry devil who looks adorable and has a taste for ham. It's a crazy world out there. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ nods in profound agreement]. Dave and I never had problems like this back in the day. It's a complicated world to be sure.

Clint: Yeah, but trust me, he's a real lightweight. Very puntable.

Alice: So what do we do now?

Deuce: This may be shocking to you, but you may have to punt the kid into a volcano somewhere. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: surely not! I mean that is such a trope!

Clint: Is it, though? I'm not sure I'm aware of too many "punt evil suit-wearing baby into a volcano" stories, personally!

Austin: Apart from his love of ham, does he pose any other threat? rest

Deuce: For the love of god, man, it's ham! HAM! [Composes himself] Actually, he has a pathological hatred of all other babies. His followers are trying to wipe all children under the age of two.

Dur: So now we have TWO powerful deities we need to subdue!?

Deuce: No no!

Alice: Phew!

Deuce: There are about twenty of them.


;;; We'll break for Easter -- back on Tuesday next week!

Alice: But there are only two that are likely to kill us in the near future?

Deuce: See? The glass IS half full! future?

Charlie: [Enthusiastically] Marvelous, our task will be so much simpler now! Perhaps we should take advantage of the quiet moment and try to speak with Wilhelmina?

Austin: Good work Sarge. Please take advantage of your quiet moment. [To rest the others] Does anyone else have family that they wish to say goodbye t... erm, I mean, contact?

Dur: None that I know of! You’re all the family I have now!

Alice: Oh, how depressing!

Deuce: Yeah, poor little guy, all alone in the world!

Alice: No! That he thinks we're his family! Anyway, where is Will?

Deuce: [Shrugs] Probably engaged in some cataclysmic battle with a demon. Either that or attending the All-Realms Charades Finals. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [looking at DUR, then the others sadly] you poor poor little man....

Charlie: [Squeals in delight] Oooooh, how wonderful! Where is it?! We must go at once! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR! Finally you show your balls bookwoman! Let us get to the cataclysmic showdown!

Alice: Where is this cataclysmic showdown?

Deuce: Aporia -- it's about twenty miles south of here. must cataclysmic showdown!

Charlie: [Impatiently] No, no! Where are the All-Realms Charades Finals?!

Deuce: Isn't that what we're talking about? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [petulantly] I want to go fight a demon! I have been very patient! But I am a warrior not a chariadeer! [aside to DUR] is that the right word for a charades player?

Deuce: Calm down buddy. Take it from me -- you play in any serious game of charades, it's only a matter of time before you're fighting with a demon. Lad from Conor #84

Clint: And to think, I thought we'd just *escaped* from hell!

Charlie: [Dreamily] Indeed, and now we enter HEAVEN! [Dramatically] Let the charades begin!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up!
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Yes indeed my pickle scented pal. This is torturous.

Alice: We're not going very fast, are we?

Clint: [Happily] Note, and let's keep it that way!

Alice: But who's driving? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Is it me? Oh I hope it's me....

Dur: Perhaps someone should check? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will cheerfully stick his head out of a window(?) and look]

Austin: [Blowing smoke rings from his cigarette. Impatiently] Well, who is rest it? They are dreadfully slow, perhaps Alice should drive?

Clint: Is there some reason you all are willing to risk life and limb so we can go watch people play charades? I'd say the longer it takes to get there, the better!

Clint: Ooh, good thinking, lawyer! Bimbo, take the reins!

Charlie: [Astonished] To hear the two of you talk, one would assume the All-Realms Charade Finals is not at all the non-stop festival of pure joy it certainly is!

Austin: It sounds worse than Hell. A non-stop festival of pure mindless rest boredom!

Alice: [Peers out too] Hey! There's no driver here! No wonder we're going so slowly! How about I drive?

Austin: Your genius knows no bounds. Go for it! rest

Alice: Whoohoo! [Leaps onto the carriage which roars off, sending everyone falling backwards] Sent from my iPhone On 19 Apr 2017, at 12:36, dom >

wrote:

Alice: [Peers out too] Hey! There's no driver here! No wonder we're going so slowly! How about I drive?

Austin: Your genius knows no bounds. Go for it! rest

Dave: HAR! No! I shall drive!! Dave and I were the Herringapopilis 300 champions for 3 consequetive years! (Until the awkward gender typing issue arose)... champions for 3 consequetive years! (Until the awkward gender typing issue arose)...

Charlie: [To Alice, urgently] Oh, do let Dave drive! Even though we know nothing of his driving skills, he must be safer than you!

Alice: Hah! Too slow, Dave! [Looks into the carriage, still driving] driver for the Queens View par-

Sent from my iPhone Dave:[Dave will not wait for any further approval, but giggling like a child on E numbers he will produce a pair of mammoth ivory pilot goggles and scrabble to join Alice, and scrunch up beside her- seeking to aquire control of the carriage...up to an including a slapping and screeching contest with Alice] Charlie says I can drive!

Alice: [Quickly climbs into the carriage] You all heard! Dave was driving! [To Austin] Quick! Give a cigarette in case I get breathalysed!

Chucky: You idiot! You crashed into me!

Chucky Staines

Dur: Let's compromise and say we both crashed into each other!

Chucky: Fine, but you ruined my carriage. [Holds out his hand] Hand over your keys. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: hohoho! Not so fast you cheeky chappie! Let's see your wife first! [aside to DUR] I've heard of these key parties and I want to be sure it's a good swap eh?

Austin: [Offers Alice a cigarette] I think Chucky will find that he rest crashed into us, and that he should give us his keys first.


;;;awa hame

Chucky: My wife is in there [points to a nearby creche] cleansing and purifying. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: let's have a look then see if it's worth chucking our keys in the bowl eh?

Clint: If it'll delay our journey, it's worth doing, Dave! Give the nice freak our keys.


;;; So my bedroom smoke detector decided it needed new batteries at 6:00
;;; in the morning, as smoke detectors do. Glory!

Chucky: Not dressed like that you won't! bowl eh?

Charlie: [Warily] How must he be dressed?

Chucky: Like a Kiddler. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: that sounds like a really nasty and deviant practice.

Austin: And are you a Kiddler? And dressed as one? [Frowns at Chucky's rest outfit]

Chucky: You sound like a really nasty and deviant practice.

Charlie: [Wisely] Ah, I recognize this! It is a classic toddler mirroring technique. I am a seasoned parent of two, so I shall handle this! [To Chucky] If you continue to behave in a way contrary to accepted norms, you shall be denied access to pursuits you enjoy, such as reading and studying.

Chucky: Thank James!

Clint: [Quietly, but not quietly enough] Sarge, do we have the time to deal with this sick freak? Let's just give him a time out and keep going. [Shudders] Some things are even worse than charades, apparently!

Alice: What about the [finger quotes] cleansing and purifying his wife is doing in the creche? That sounds pretty unpleasant!

Charlie: [Hopefully] Oh, surely that is metaphorical and no reason to miss the Finals! [To Chucky] Isn't it?

Chucky: By James, no! We're killing all the Sims -- and let me tell you, it's a dangerous business, some of them even have teeth!

Austin: Sims? What the hell are Sims? rest

Chucky: Simulated Babies.

Clint: Man, you release a handful of evil demons and the world goes nuts.

Dur: How do you know who's a Sim?

Chucky: There's actually a real science to it! You see, you take a sword -- and it can be any size, because you might imagine you need a little one for killing Sims, what with them being so small and baby-like -- and try to cut their head off. If it comes off, or otherwise kills or severely wounds the Sim, they're a Sim. If it doesn't, they're not.

Charlie: [Trying to maintain composure] I see. We should VERY much like to meet the people conducting these tests, at once! [Heads for the creche] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: meet them? I'm going to rip them into shreds so unpleasant even DUR will feel nauseous!!

Chucky: [Steps in front of Charlie] Uh uh! You look too much like a Sim supporter! [To Dave] Stand down, or you *will* regret it. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: my father always said," son, it is better to regret something you have done..." [dave will leap at Chuckie and seek to wedgie him into helpless submission]

Chucky: Ow! Ow! [Bursts into tears]

Alice: Oh, stop being such a baby!

Charlie: [Nods approvingly at Dave] Well done! Now, let us stop these monsters from killing more babies! Lat from Heather #40

Griselda: [Surveying the scene] Hey! What's going on?

Griselda Staines

Austin: That guy said he was a Sim and that we have to kill him [Points at rest Chucky] Can you help us kill him?

Griselda: Happy to! [Swings her sword and hits Austin, who leaps for cover, but still receives a huge stab wound]


;;; Lose 12 hp Austin

Alice: Hey! She's really crap with that sword!

Charlie: [Attacks Griselda] Group, hurry to the creche!

Chucky: Griseldaaaaaaa! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will attempt to vigorously shake CHUCKIE in a manner that would normally demand sanctions]

Chucky: Griseldaaa---aaaa--aaaa--aaaa--aaaa--aaaa--aaaa!

Alice: Yeesh, is he going to be making that noise all the time?

Dur: [Tries to cast a healing spell on Austin] He will until you shut him up!

Clint: May I suggest the use of a binky? He's probably got one in his diaper bag. Which I'm not touching, because this freak creeps me the hell out! [Goes to help control Griselsda instead.]

Alice: We're doin' just fine here, Stinky. Why don't you stick the binky where the sun don't shine?

Chucky: Griseldaaa---aaaa--aaaa--aaaa--aaaa--aaaa--aaaa!

Clint: That seems more the lawyer's sort of thing! [Tries to gag Chucky with one of his old socks instead.]


;;; Biological warfare at its finest!

Chucky: Griseldaaa---aaaa--aaaa--oooragh. [Passes out]

Alice: War is hell.

Austin: [Dramatically in his death throws] Help me! I am dieing! rest

Dur: Ugggg. Done with one baby and now we have to deal with another? [Tries to cast a healing spell on Austin]


;;; Sorry guys, I missed the spell the first time around!
[AUSTIN gains 7hp.]

Alice: Clint, we may need your sock again!

Austin: [Watches the wound healing] Hmm, well that is really quite neat. rest [Sees the healing stop, leaving some cut] Hey! What about the rest of it! Cheap skate!


;;; poor Aus having to wait a round for his healing!

Alice: We better check what's going on inside!

Charlie: [Dramatically] Follow me! [Charges inside]

Sweeney: Sims! Sims! Sims everywhere! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will attack fiercely wielding CHUCKIE as a 2 handed mace] RAAARGH!!!!

Austin: [Tries to shoot Sweeney] Dead men tell no tales! Have at 'em! rest

Alice: Uh oh!

Charlie: [To Sweeney] Very impressive! How ever does Mr. Kidd do it?

Dur: Maybe it’s through ritual sacrifice [Looking shocked at the carnage].

Dur: Are you volunteering? Cause really that would solve all our immediate problems…

Dur: Are you volunteering? Cause really that would solve all our immediate problems…

Austin: [Make for the door] Let's go and find some sims to sacrifice, this rest guy is swiping all the good stuff around here! this guy is swiping all the good stuff around here!

Sweeney: Ah ah! You don't get to attack a Kidder and then just walk off.

Sweeney: Ah ah! You don't get to attack a Kidder and then just walk off.

Austin: That's fine, I had no intention of walking, and besides I didn't rest even hurt you [Tries to run away] even hurt you [Tries to run away]

Charlie: Splendid idea, Mr. Sleaze! [To the others, trying to get back outside] Hurry, group!

Clint: [Guarding the party's retreat, as always] This is humiliating! When we come back, let's try drowning him or something. outside] Hurry, group!

Alice: [Points behind Sweeney] Gasp! Look at all those adorable looking babies! [Legs it out the door] Run away! Run away!

Alice: Oh no! Our horses got hurt when we crashed into their carriage! Ours is unusable!

Austin: There is one simple solution, take theirs! Alice, would you care rest to drive this time? to drive this time?

Charlie: [Quickly] No, I shall!

Alice: Hey! Need I remind you who was driving when we crashed!

Charlie: [Attempting to take the driver's seat] Indeed, you do not! It was

Austin: Indeed, and besides, we are in a hurry. We don't have time to stop rest an record every species of flora and fauna on the way.

Alice: [Struggling with Charlie] He's right! You'll only waste time! Now, let go of the reins and stop fussing me so that I can do my make up and then make our daring escape!

Sweeney: Hey! That's my carriage!

Austin: Well, you said that you did not want us to walk! [To Charlie, rest pointing at something in the carriage] Is that a red spotted slug demon with legs?

Alice: [Drops the reins and screams] Ew! Yuck! I hate those things!

Dur: Then perhaps I should drive! [Also tries to join the struggle for the reins in order to get the carriage moving]

Alice: Noooo! That's the opposite of what we want to --

[Thump. The carriage smacks into and rolls over SWEENEY, before skidding to a halt and shooting forward, rolling over him once more and zooming off into the distance.]

Alice: Wow! Way to go Dur!

Charlie: [To Alice, beaming at Dur] See what happens when you allow someone else to drive?!

Alice: It's way less fun than when I do it!

Alice: Nooo! It's too narrow! She cannae take it! [Covers her eyes] I can't look!

[With barely enough space to fit a postage stamp on either side of the carriage, DUR smoothly navigates through the impossibly tight fit, before bursting out onto a wider street.]

Alice: Did we crash?

Clint: Yeah - somebody dies!

Alice: [Cracks open her fingers] Hm, I don't think we can just ram our way through this.

Clint: Well, if brute force won't work, we can always fall back on our other favorite approach to solving problems... lying like weasels! [Checks the wagon for materials needed to make a disguise. ]

wear.]

Charlie: [Groans] How did I not see this coming?! [Reluctantly fishes out a dear little pink gingham pinafore dress with copious ruffles and a matching pair of gingham extra-ruffly knickers] Why does no one make children's clothing in sensible colors?! [Irritably grabs a squeezy toy shaped like a bow tie-wearing hedgehog] And where are the cat-themed toys?!

Alice: [Finding a huge pink onesie and matching bonnet] This is going to be great, just like my sister's bachelorette party!

Clint: [Dons an adorable sailor suit, with considerable distaste.] Somehow, Bimbo, I both want to know and very, very much do not want to know.

Alice: Oh please, you act like there's something tawdry about a bunch of intoxicated women dressed as babies showing a dangerously large amount of flesh!

Austin: [Finds a Polka dot "little Bo-Peep" dress, covered in pink bows rest and a Bo-peep hat and crook] No one will ever recognise me in this!

Alice: Don't be so sure, Aus -- we do have pictures from the bachelorette party! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ has quietly divested himself of all clothing and is simply basking in the nostalgic innocent joy of naked barbarian childhood]

Alice: Er, you look less like a baby and more of a naked barbarian who's about to do something unspeakable, Dave!

Charlie: [Yelps and covers her eyes] Yes, do give a nod to propriety and add a nappy, at the very least! [Hands Dave a bundle of cloth and a comically oversized safety pin]


;;; Haha! Too funny, Scott! Thanks for clearing up
;;; all our questions about barbarian childhood!

Dur: [Puts on a diaper and onesie, puts his binkie in his mouth, and shoves a sandwich into a bottle] Ready! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will resist any attempts at nappying, but will accept a knee length dinosaur T shirt]

Alice: [Tops up her baby bottle with some vodka] Let's do this thang!

Cuddles: Halt! Kidders or Sims?

Cuddles Poopington Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR! Are you "kidding"?

Alice: Yeah! We couldn't ba-by more Kidder!

Cuddles: [Dead serious] This is not a joking matter.

Charlie: [To Cuddles, also very serious] Are you saying you cannot tell the difference? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [staring at Cuddles] that would be disturbing and might make us wonder if you may just be a Sim....

Cuddles: No, you're being disturbing and are making me wonder if you are Sims. [Holds up the lollipop] After all, who's got the Sucker of Power?

Alice: Is that the Sucker of Power?

Cuddles: Yes!

Austin: [Will try to grab the lollipop, selfishly, if it is close enough, rest and suck it] Mine!

Dur: So to answer your previous question, we have the sucker of power! [Starts wailing in response to Cuddles' tears]

Clint: [Continues to pretend to be a kidder too young to talk yet.] Gah gah goo? [Grabs at someone's hand at random, but draws the line at actually putting it in his mouth -- who knows where that thing's been!]

Alice: Oh my god, what fresh hell is this? It's bad enough that they kill babies, but now this baby talk thing? [Yoinks the sucker of power and bonks Clint on the head with it] Stop that at once! [Hands it back to Dur]

Charlie: [Attempts to take the sucker of power from Dur] Oh, let me see that! What does it do??

Alice: It's really satisfying to bop Stinky on the head with.

Charlie: [Waves the sucker dramatically] Alice, I command you to give me three copper pieces at once!

Alice: Uhh.. yes, Master. [Hands over three copper pieces]

Charlie: [Excited] How thrilling, we can use this to help bring Wilhelmina to her senses! [Claps her hands] Oh, and persuade librarians to extend those stingy borrowing periods!

Cuddles: [Impressed, and stopping crying] You should come and see the Cherub.

Dur: [Also stops crying] Hey, why not? Cherub.

Charlie: Perhaps I will! Where might I find this Cherub and what is his/her position?

Cuddles: He's right over there -- I think he might be standing, although sometimes he sits, and when he's sleepy he lies down.

Austin: Well, it is nearly nap time for everyone! rest

Alice: To the Cherubmobile!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act V, Scene III. A Camp. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, being lead by CUDDLES. The camp is full of adult babies, although thankfully, none of them are crying or actually pretending to be babies. CUDDLES brings them to a tent.]

Cuddles: The Cherub is within. He will be enthralled at your magic powers!

Charlie: [Carefully protects the sucker of power] Indeed, he will! I do hope he is not too intimidated by my might!

Charlie: [Carefully protects the sucker of power] Indeed, he will! I do

Austin: [Looking at Charlie in her Kidder outfit] I think he'll be okay. rest

Alice: At least we're unlikely to be intimidated by him -- what do you think? Some sort hipster in a onesie?

Cuddles: Cherub, there's someone you might want to see. They have a magic sucker! [Listens and turns to the party] The Cherub will see you now.

Charlie: Marvelous! [Enters the tent boldly]

Cuddles: Your Cherubship, these are the people I told you about.

[Sitting on a chair is The Cherub, MIKEY SEGAL, who has the body of well built man and the head of a baby. The overall appearance is horrific.]

Mikey: So you guys have a Magic Sucker?

Mikey Segal, The Cherub

Clint: Looks that way, huh? And we're going to use it unwisely, because that's kind of our thing.


;;; That portrait is nightmarish, Conor. I approve!

Mikey: Let's see it in action.


;;; Isn't it horrific? As if that wasn't bad enough, I got a mail from Amazon the
;;; other day trying to sell me adult baby clothes. Yes, Amazon sells that
;;; stuff, and they're looking at your Google searches!
;;;
;;; Smiffy's Men's Baby Boy Romper Costume, Jumpsuit with Bonnet and Bib,
;;; Funny Side, Size: M, Colour: Blue, 28602

Mikey: Let's see it in action.

Austin: [To Charlie] Give it your best! rest


;;;; sorry, at work, no way that is going into my google ...
;;; Worryingly enough, I know a manager here who is a 'Furry'?. Met his wife at a Furry party. Told me about it. I must look like a good listener, or something.

Clint: You mean, as a sucker or as an object of power?


;;; Well, that's one thing I'm that's not going into my search history!

Mikey: Unless you think I'm a sucker, then an object of power.


;;; Maybe he thought you might be one too! Come on...
;;; it could have been beautiful!

Austin: [Nods to Charlie, enthusiastically] Object of power! rest


;;; Hmm, a 6'5' 130Kg guy in a pale blue baby deer onesie ....
;;; pretending to be a baby deer. I guess I could pretend to shoot him and make sausages!

Dur: Well? Do make it snappy!


;;; Insert obligatory sausage = penis joke [here]

Charlie: [Glaring at Dur and waving her sucker at him imperiously] Give the Cherub your nappy sandwich at once! and make sausages!


;;; This game will ruin us all!

Dur: Nooooooooo! How could you!? [Reaches into his diaper and looks at his sandwich with tears welling up in his eyes]


;;; I was so normal before I joined this group! T.T

Austin: You mothe was not so hot on toilet training huh? rest


;;; Sure. sure you were.
;;; my 'Furry' colleague's favorite thing was the 'rubbing' bit, which he hastily explained was 'no paws', so as not to alarm me ...all while waiting for a server to boot.
;;; just think of how much alarm an SSD could save you!

Clint: Uh... was your mother clear on the difference between a toilet and a food source?


;;; In many ways, I am very, very glad I avoid as much human contact as I can manage. People are weird, man. =)

;;; to illustrate the point, random spam that just showed up in my junk mail

folder: "Anonymously Mail a Bag of D**ks"


;;; This bag of gummy penises is a great way to tell your friends, family, loved ones, or enemies to 'EAT A BAG OF D**KS'.
;;; Is it a tasty gift? or just an funny reminder that someone should stuff it; leave the recipient guessing.

;;; Hmm, Dom if you end up being Mr. Furry's Secret Santa
;;; in the office Christmas party, maybe Tom can help you out
;;; with a gift that's just as puzzling as Mr. Furry's conversational
;;; choices! QV Teamwork! On Thu, Apr 27, 2017 at 2:54 PM, Tom Henderson

wrote:

Mikey: [Looks at the sandwich in disdain] How about a proper demonstration? demonstration?

Charlie: [Waves the sucker dramatically and points at Mikey] Now EAT THAT SANDWICH.
;;;;; I hope he's not reading this! On 28 April 2017 at 09:00, Heather

wrote: SANDWICH.

Mikey: No.

Austin: I think he meant Real power, not just play stuff. rest


;;; Okay so I give in, one of my best mates+missus are furries and so are two of my neighbors
;;; all a bit like a weird zombie movie! I'm going to stop looking at Fbook forever!

Charlie: Oh! [To Mikey, coolly] Do be serious. We only just met! One must be careful with reckless displays of power. two of my neighbors Fbook forever!


;;; Yikes! Yeah, Facebook can provide way more information
;;; than you want about things you never even realized you
;;; didn't want to know about!!

Charlie: Oh! [To Mikey, coolly] Do be serious. We only just met! One must

Austin: She's a bit shy, perhaps suggest something for her to do, a warm rest up so to speak. She never really gets going until she gets into it. You know how it is, performing in front of strangers etc!

Austin: She's a bit shy, perhaps suggest something for her to do, a warm rest

Mikey: I suggest she shoves the sucker up your ass. This is wasting my time -- you people are just another bunch of Kidders who want to get close to the Cherub, correct?

Austin: Not at all, it was you that suggested we come here. You are rest wasting our time! wasting our time!

Charlie: [Haughtily] Indeed, we are not your trained monkeys! [To the party] Let us be on our way!

Mikey: Hey! Not so fast -- don't you want to ask about my baby head? Everyone wants to ask about the baby head! [To Cuddles] Why haven't they asked about the baby head?

Cuddles: [To the party] Ask about the bay head! He hates when people don't ask about the baby head. Everyone wants to ask about the baby head! [To Cuddles] Why haven't they asked about the baby head? don't ask about the baby head.

Charlie: [One foot out the door] Very well! [To Mikey, stiltedly] What about the baby head?

Dur: Um…. What’s with the….er….. baby head?

Mikey: Oh here we go! Everyone has to ask about the baby head! Typical! Did you just make up that story about the magic sucker so you could ask about the baby head?

Alice: Come on, let's get out of here.

Mikey: No wait! Wait! I'll tell you all about the baby head!

Clint: Do we really *want* to know all about the baby head? I mean, obviously Chuck wouldn't pass up the chance to gain such priceless knowledge, but the rest of us...

Mikey: Yeeesh! If you're going to make such a song and dance about it, I'll tell you all about the baby head!


;;; Bank holiday here tomorrow, followed by hangover day
;;; Tuesday. Back to normal on Wednesday!

Alice: [To the party] I suppose we better let him tell us about the baby head. [To Mikey] What baby head?

Mikey: I'm such a devoted and productive servant of James Kidd, I have taken on his very appearance!

Austin: How did you do that? By sheer force of will? rest

Mikey: [Proudly] Through hardship and sacrifice.

Charlie: [Skeptically] That hardly seems plausible!

Mikey: [Slightly offended] Why?

Charlie: It is more likely you resorted to surgical methods. Hardship and sacrifice do not alter one's appearance!

Mikey: My appearance was altered by the Almighty James Kidd as a reward for hardship and sacrifice!

Austin: [To Charlie] It depends on the sacrifice surely? [To Mikey] What rest did you sacrifice?

Mikey: A bunch of babies. What

Charlie: [Shudders] What a horrid thing to ask of you!

Clint: Were they *your* babies, or a bunch of random strangers' babies?

Mikey: Mainly random strangers, but I did have the pleasure of punishing some of my enemies. Yeah, they may have enjoyed mocking my small penis, but I got my revenge by killing their children!

Charlie: [Disgusted] How pleasant for you. Where might we find James Kidd?

Austin: We could just follow the piles of dead babies, but that could take rest a while

Mikey: He's in the Great Creche.


;;; Kevin's out today

Dur: [Disgusted] What the hell is it with gods and killing babies? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAH! He is no God. Just a spoilt brat and a poopy head!

Mikey: How dare you! If he wasn't a god, how do you explain my baby head?

Clint: Really tragic disease? Cursed by an angry wizard? Childhood accident involving a mechanical rice picker? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: See? You have to have an open mind.

Mikey: Maybe YOU need an open mind! This baby head is a blessing from god!

Charlie: [Grimly] And where is the Great Creche?

Clint: And just so we're clear, a "blessing" is a good thing, while your baby head makes you look like a loser. Sorry.

Mikey: [Leaps to his feet] How dare you! I don't believe you are Kidders at all!

Austin: Do you believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy? rest at all!

Charlie: [To Mikey, scornfully] Look at you, so filled with doubt. [To the party, knowingly nodding to the opening of the tent] I can see why the others suspect him of being a Kiddeux.

Mikey: No Kiddeux, no Kiddeux! You're the Kiddeux! What's a Kiddeux? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Hah! That's exactly what a Kiddeux would say!! We're not falling for your Sim deceptions!

Clint: Seriously! As if he doesn't know...

Mikey: Sims! Sims! You're all Sims! Guards!

Charlie: [Tries to punch Mikey] How dare you!

Mikey: You cannot hurt me!

[Enter CUDDLES and two large Kidders, who stand at the door of the tent, blocking the exit.]

Cuddles: We have the exit to the tent blocked, Your Cherubship! There's no way out!

[AUSTIN lets off a slingshot bullet that ricochets off MIKEY's head and causes the party to duck to avoid it.]

Mikey: [Laughs] Fools! Now I shall kill you all! [To Cuddles and the guards] Stay at the door, no one gets in, and [cracks his knuckles menacingly] no one gets south.

Alice: Don't you mean "no one gets out"?

Mikey: Isn't that what I said?

Alice: No, what if the door wasn't in the south side?

Mikey: But it is in the south side!

Dur: So... technically we can exit to the North and the guards won't have to stop us? to stop us?

Charlie: [Triumphantly] To the North, group! [Charges for the north side of the tent]


;;; Surely there's a door there. Surely.

Mikey: [Laughs] Idiots! There's no door there! Just an impenetrable wall of canvas!


;;; Nope! Just an impenetrable wall of canvas.

Dur: Nothing to see here guys, just a bunch of idiots! [Tries to grab the nearest party member holding a sword to "guide" their sword in an attempt to cut a make shift door in the canvas tent]

Mikey: [Roars with laughter as Dur guides Alice's sword to the wall] Fools!

Mikey: Hey! My tent!

Alice: [Smugly] Everyone gets north! Fools!

Charlie: [Dashes for the makeshift door] Excellent work, group!

Mikey: What the hell?

Cuddles: I know, right? I mean, that's not even North!

Mikey: If you're blocking the door at the South, and you're on the opposite side, how is that not North?

Cuddles: This isn't South, it's actually South East.

Mikey: Then why was I saying no one gets South?

Cuddles: Uh... I though you were saying no one gets out!

Mikey: Hm, I suppose that does make some sort of sense... [Points at his destroyed wall] Get them!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act V, Scene IV. The KIDDER camp. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, having exited MIKEY's tent. There are many tents around, and a disturbing number of adult babies.]

Alice: What'll we do? Our carriage is way back at that road block?

Dur: Perhaps we can find another mode of transportation to make our escape in?

Alice: Over there, look! A bunch of tricycles in the shape of animals! Let's each grab one!

Charlie: [Shrieks in delight] I get the cat one! [Races to the cat trike, which is black and white and has an enormous red bow and bell on its "neck"]

Dur: [After an ill-advised length of time spent debating on which animal to select, Dur finally chooses the Snail trike] This one looks to be the fastest of them all! to select, Dur finally chooses the Snail trike] This one looks to be the fastest of them all!

Charlie: [Eyes Dur's trike with a laugh] You cannot beat me and Countess Lavinia Fluffymore-Quickpaws! [Attempts to pedal furiously] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ is torn between the platypus and capabara, and simply cannot decide]

Clint: It's really come to this, hasn't it? Riding a tricycle, shaped rather unconvincingly like a frog, in an attempt to escape from a bunch of adults who want to be babies after we stole their candy. I knew this day would come! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Indeed my nose tickling, toad wrangling companion. I too always dreaded this moment. If only I had listened to what my old mother used to say!

Clint: Why? What did she used to day?


;;; Figured you could make use of a straight line.
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I don't know, I didn't listen!! HAR HAR HAR Sent from my iPhone


;;;;; thank you:)
home smells!

Clint: Hey! I might beat you guys home. You never know!

Alice: It mightn't be ONLY the last one that smells, Stinky! I'll take the dog!

Dog: Bark! Bark! [Tries to bite Alice]

Alice: [Grabs what is actually a dog tricycle] Yeeesh! the dog!

Charlie: [Laughs at Alice] You will never catch up to the rest of us, silly girl! [Pedals madly]

Alice: [Kicks into the side of her trike] Giddiup! [Not surprisingly, it doesn't move] Hey! Mine's broken!

Alice: [Kicks into the side of her trike] Giddiup! [Not surprisingly,

Austin: [To Alice] Release the hand brake! rest

Alice: It is released! It won't move!

Austin: Maybe it's been clamped? rest

Alice: No clamp!

Austin: Flat battery? rest

Charlie: [Growing anxious] Oh, do join Mr. Sleaze on his vehicle! He can transport you!

Austin: [In protest] But it's only a single seater! She'll have to sit on rest my lap!

Dur: Or! Perhaps she could just use the pedals like the rest of us?

Austin: [Quickly] Probably better if she sits on my lap. Saves time etc rest

Alice: Pedals? [Looks down at the trike] What are we? Animals? [Starts pedalling furiously]

Alice: Come on, slow coaches!

Charlie: [Gasps and redoubles her efforts to pedal] You will never beat me and my trusty steed!!

Mikey: [Spots Alice] She's driving right at us! Dive for cover!

[They all hit the deck as the party zoom forward, with ALICE still pedalling backwards. CHARLIE inches into the lead.]

Mikey: Wha? What sort of trickery is this? To the Parambulator!

Alice: [To the party] Slow down! Just a second!

Dur: But why?! Now's our chance to attempt a hasty getaway!

Alice: Duu-uur! It'll let me get passed Charlie!

Clint: Most people would find it easier to go forward, but given the way you drive, I'm not sure it'll make a difference.


;;; So I woke up this morning super early, thought "I'll just move to the office, power on the ol' PC, sorted! and then moved to the office, powered on the old PC... and fell back asleep. For, like, hours. Glory!

Alice: Shut up, Stinky! [Side swipes Clint with her trike, almost causing them both to crash, but both keep going]

Charlie: [Laughs at Alice and Clint's mishap, nearly losing control of her trike in the process] Curse you and your distracting antics! You will NOT best me! [Pedals frantically]

Alice: Think again, loser! [Pedals even more franticallier!]

Merry: Stop this mischief at once!

Merry Boppins

Charlie: [Skids to a halt] Do be serious! I am the one who calls for an end to mischief in THIS party!

Merry: This is not a party! It is a serious religious organisation. We have a schedule to keep, babies to kill, souls to sacrifice! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Excuse me Madam, could you point us towards the hub of this most interesting and not at all insane faith so that we can glory in its incredible uniqueness and come to see it in its full majesty? Pretty please?

Austin: [To Merry] Shall we talk over a coffee, or champagne, or continue rest flirting from a distance?

Merry: [Closes her umbrella] You filthy little boy! [Spanks Austin with her umbrella] Someone needs their mouth washed out with soap! You should behave more like your friend, here [gestures to Dave] who's good behaviour well earn him a spot shovelling babies!

Dur: And who are you?

Merry: [Gives Dur a hard smack across the head with her umbrella] Someone hasn't been learning this catechism! You should know full well that I am a Nanny, responsible for making sure that you Kidders follow the word of the great one.

Alice: As much fun as it is to watch the others get smacked, shouldn't get out of here?

Alice: Ow! What was that for?

Merry: Stop enjoying other people's misfortune!

Austin: [Winces] Oh! You are rather good at that! You, sweet lady, are the rest very reason men fall in love!

Merry: [Spanks Austin again] Take your tawdry mind out of the gutter, young man! Not everything is some sort of Pornographic Movieola Machine!

Charlie: [To the others] Hurry, we must get away from this dreadful woman before Mr. Sleaze marries her! [Tries to detour around Merry]

Alice: She's got Dave!

Austin: [Sighing at the latest spank] Lucky man! But what does she see in rest him? [To Merry] My dear, you are deserving of a masterpiece, not mere scribbles!

Mikey: Hold them there! They are Sims!

Clint: Are not! We're rubber, you're glue, bounces off us and sticks on you! [Quietly] Keep it in your pants fir now, lawyer! would not expect you to understand. would not expect you to understand.

Charlie: Abandon the tricycles! Run for the carriage! [Grabs Dave's arm to pull him along]

Merry: [Takes out a second umbrella and hits Clint hard on the head with it, knocking him off his trike] That is factually incorrect, young man! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: so, dearest Nanny, which way to the centre of of things and source of Kidderiness?

Merry: [Slaps Dave across the ear] Less of your cheek, young man! Mikey will see to you!

Clint: Seriously, guys? Riding horses at a full gallop like that? Not in the spirit of things! Plus, nanny, it's really dangerous!

Merry: Not to them it's not.

Alice: We need to get out here!

Dur: Into a tent! Into a tent! Maybe we can cut a confusing path through the rest of the camp, or at least buy us some time! [Dur tries to duck into a nearby tent]

Charlie: Pardon us! [Swiftly cuts a slit in the far side of the tent to exit] Hurry, group! exit] Hurry, group!

Alice: This is great fun! [Cuts a slit in another tent and rushes into where a bunch of bakers are making fresh bread] Uh oh! Better try a different tent or we'll never get Dur out here! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (will be loitering in the tent of ladies, grinning wolfishly)... HAR! Any one need rescuing?

Austin: [To the ladies] What are you all doing here? rest

Alice: [Looks back in] Hey! There are cakes in the next tent!

Charlie: [Urgently, blocking Dur's access to the cake tent] Keep moving! We shall keep them guessing with our Alice-like, erratic movements!

Alice: What's worse? Dur leering after cakes or Austin and Dave leering after women? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I don't know, what is worse than Dur leering after cakes or Austin and Dave leering after women? (To Dur) I haven't heard this one before!

Austin: Mr Scar leering after sheep! rest

Alice: Not again! [To Charlie] Between the women, cakes and sheep, I'm starting to think this tent idea isn't going to work! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (leaping forwards eagerly) there are sheep too????

Alice: Yes! In the next tent after the cakes, but you'll have to carry Dur with you! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will lunge at Dur and attempt to hurtle forwards with his little chum secured in his furry embrace]

Dur: It's better than being caught in here! Just pick one! When it comes to my love of food or my love of keeping my blood in my own body, I will choose the latter

Alice: Come on! Let's get out the other side! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Lead on Alice! Dur will grab your buns for you !

Alice: [With a snort of derision] Not with those tiny little hands, he won't! [Charges through the tent, pausing only briefly to sample a delicious looking piece of apple pie]

Charlie: [Smacks Alice's hand] No time for snacking! We must break free of these tents whilst we have the element of confusion on our side for a change!

Alice: Aw, man!

Sent from my iPhone Dave:[gleefully] Kittens!!!!

Charlie: [Stops dead in her tracks] Ooooh, aren't they PRECIOUS?! [Eagerly goes to pet a tiny white and grey kitten with improbably large eyes]

Alice: For the love of god, Dur, give him one of your cakes before this gets ugly!

Alice: [Smacks Charlie's hand] No time for petting! We must break free of these tents before Dave eats one of the kittens, or Clint does something even more unspeakable to one! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ hurt by Alice's cruel assessment of his character will take a moment to pet and fuss the cute liddle critturs] are these tents some kind of reward for the faithful of this nutty religion?

Clint: They seem to be some sort of test for us! I, obviously, don't need to be tested, because my willpower is legend.

Dave: [ hurt by Alice's cruel assessment of his character will take a

Austin: [Gasps, studying one of the suits] Surely we stand at the cradle rest of true art and true science! Behold, the finest suits ever conceived!

Alice: [To Dave] You know the legend of Red Riding Hood and the Wolf? It's based on a story where Red Riding Hood was a sheep, and the Wolf was [looks at Clint] well... you know!

Alice: Can everyone stop eating cats and suits and concentrate on escaping? If it's a test, you've all failed! It's just a shame you don't have the same will power as me! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: No? A sheep with an odd name. Did the wolf and the sheep form an unlikely friendship and enjoy many adventures together?

Alice: [Exasperated] No, the sheep distracted the wolf with a bunch of kittens, cakes and suits, and then a bunch of disturbing adult babies came along and killed him!

Dur: [Frowns] This isn't a very good story...

Clint: Then as the one sheep said to the other, let's get the flock out of here!

Alice: Honestly, you lot are an embarrassment! Here we are, running for our lives and you... uh...

[ALICE is clearly distracted by the vast quantities of hair care and beauty related products in the tent.]

Alice: Uh... yeah. [Starts looking through them] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: what a terrible story! And it also bears superficial similarities to our own predicament! How strange! As if kittens could ever be a weapon of evil! Come here you cute little fellows! Come to uncle Dave! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will try to scoop up Alice alongside Dur, cakes and a large number of kittens]

Alice: [As she's being dragged away] Noooo! [Snatches a few hair care products] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Alice no!! Grab some beard oils as well!!!

Alice: [Snatches a "Gentleman Jim's Patented Beard Oil" bottle] Just a few more minutes, Dave!

Austin: [With armfuls of suits, frantically looks for some way of carrying rest the suits and helping Alice, but finds none, and keeps hold of the suits] Come on Alice! carrying the suits and helping Alice, but finds none, and keeps hold of the suits] Come on Alice!

Charlie: [Lugging a bursting-full knapsack that appears to be meowing and moving on its own around rather mysteriously] What on earth are you doing, Mr. Sleaze?! We can carry essentials only!

Alice: [Leaving a trail of hair care products behind her, pouring out of her arms] Come on, people!

Mikey: Ready to embrace Kidship? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR! I was expecting at least one more tent,with books, for brainiac there..(gesturing at Charlie with his Kitten crowned head). [ will gently put down Alice, Dur, Kittens, cakes and beard oil].. Mikey my fine microcephalic friend you seem to have left me with no choice but to ATTAAAAACK!!! Flee friends!!!

Mikey: [Calmly holds his hand up after finishing his cake] Wait, my angry friend. You could have all this, all the time. Just prove your devotion to god, and we won't have to kill you. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Hmmm. When you put it like that.... [ will scream maniacally and try to leap on Mikey and twist his head off] ::::; Dave be crazy.

Austin: And just how do we do that? rest

Mikey: It's just a matter of shovelling some babies into a volcano.

Mikey: Except him, you'll need to kill him.

Charlie: [Tries to help Dave to his feet] My, what a tempting offer, but I do believe we shall continue to acquire our kittens and such the old-fashioned way. [To Dave] And how sustainable is this life of yours, really? It takes nine months for humans to gestate. At the rate you are going through babies, you will surely run out soon!

Mikey: We are not killing babies, we are killing Sims!

Charlie: And how are Sims created?

Mikey: Fake Gods. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [rubbing his bruised jaw] HAR! Did you never hear about how when a mummy and a daddy like each other....?

Mikey: If they truly love each other, they produce a baby. If they have some sort of disgusting, perverted excuse for love, then they produce a Sim. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: how do you tell which is which?

Mikey: Sims can easily be killed. It's also quite simple to take candy from them. [Thinks] It's more fun to kill them, though.

Clint: So to tell if we're a bunch of Sims, all you have to do is try to take candy from Dur? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: or try to kill me.

Mikey: It's actually both.

Sent from my iPhone

Dave: before we start though, should we be getting so excited just before nap time?

Alice: I don't think these guys take naps! before nap time?

Charlie: [Sword ready] They would benefit from one enormously! [Charges into the crowd of Kidders] Follow me, group! Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ Breaking into a big happy grin] apparently not! Awesome!!

Alice: [With the party forming a circle, all facing out] I think we might be in trouble here!

Austin: [Takes some pacifiers from his Bo-peep basket] Perhaps these will rest help?

Alice: [Takes one and pops it in her mouth as another wave of attacks wound each member of the party] Nope! That's not helping!

Alice: [Takes one and pops it in her mouth as another wave of attacks

Austin: Use the lollipop of power! rest

Charlie: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Sleaze! [Pulls out the lollipop and brandishes it at the Kidders menacingly] Step aside or learn the terrible sticky fury of the Lollipop of Power!

Charlie: Excellent suggestion, Mr. Sleaze! [Pulls out the lollipop and

Austin: [To Charlie.] I think you need to suck it! rest


;;;; :)

Charlie: [Looks pained] Do you think so? That seems most unsanitary! [Regards the lollipop unhappily and proceeds to prissily and reluctantly touch her tongue to it, looking thoroughly disgusted. Speaking with difficulty, keeping tongue contact with the lollipop] Is ih wrkn??


;;; LOL

Charlie: [Looks pained] Do you think so? That seems most unsanitary!

Austin: Not like that! Like this! [Sucks that lolly like a pro, trying to rest will the Kidders to all get extreme bouts of colic]

Alice: Aw, man!

[A carriage approaches at speed and plows into the Kidders.]

Dur: [Noticing the carriage] Our ride perhaps?

Dur: [Noticing the carriage] Our ride perhaps?

Austin: Let's go! [Nursing his cheek] I really hope that does not bruise! rest Lady from Dom #111

Clint: [Helps sundry party members into the carriage.] A daring last- minute escape, eh? Our specialty! Haw! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: but this time Dave drives!!!

Jerome: Need a ride?

Clint: Great timing, Jerry. All aboard!

Mikey: He's a fake god! Stay here with us!

Alice: Aren't you just about to kill us?

Mikey: Better to be killed by the fanatical supporters of the true god than to be saved by a fake god!

Dur: Agree to disagree then? [Hops aboard]

Dur: Agree to disagree then? [Hops aboard]

Austin: Hi there Jezza old pal, don't spare the horses! [To the others] rest All aboard! All aboard!

Charlie: [Hops in the carriage and wails] Please, don't any of you have a disinfecting mouthwash?! I must get the feel and taste of that horrid lollipop out of my mouth!

Jerome: Let us make our escape!


;;; End of scene, next one coming up
[Book X, Act V, Scene V. Jerome's Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and JEROME are here, zooming away from the Kidders, all of whom have now fallen off the carriage.]

Alice: Nice timing, Jerome!

Jerome: Naturally, it only makes sense to save the party who will assist me in becoming Phili again!

Austin: Do you promise to be much less psychotic this time? rest

Charlie: [Alarmed] And, among other things, not kill my daughter?!

Austin: And be really very passive. rest

Jerome: [Laughs] Ha! Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD doesn't even promise not to kill you! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: An honest politician! How refreshing.

Jerome: True, I'll kill you and torture you horribly, but I won't surprise you! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [gives a big thumbs up to the psychopath whilst mouthing "we're soooo screwed" to the group]

Dur: I would pretend to be surprised but honestly, I don't know what we would do if our lives were not continuously threatened!

Alice: Probably scramble around in the trash looking for food!

Charlie: [To Alice, absently] Do let Dur enjoy his hobbies. They're all the poor creature has! [To Jerome] And what is your cunning plan to retake Philihood?

Jerome: I will tell you the entire plan in annoying detail at the right place and time. You know, when I have you all in some elaborate killing device that will fail shortly after I've left you alone having told you not only my plan, but the one secret flaw in it. In the meantime, suffice it to say, we have to stop James Kidd. [Brings the carriage to a halt, and looks back at the party] Aside from hell, have we met before?


;;; He's referring to the act before last, when the party let loose a bunch of ex-Philis and ex-Seths. Although
;;; the party has actually killed Jerome The God *twice*, including once at his and Alice's wedding reception,
;;; that was in their own, original dimension. They haven't killed him here. So far.

Clint: If we had, wouldn't Dr. Jerome K. Trindle, BSc, PhD remember? I mean, we'd remember meeting you for sure!

Austin: Just Hell I think? But I am sure we all feel like you're just one rest of the family already!

Jerome: [Looks Alice up and down] Some of you more than others! [Sexy growl]

Alice: Ew! You mean like a sister or something?

Jerome: [Flustered] Er, not quite! growl]

Charlie: [To Jerome] Given that we are strangers, why do you think we can assist you in your goals?

Jerome: Because you seem to be so hated by the Kidders.

Austin: So, you want our help to make you Philli, then, once your a re rest god, you will torture and kill us? Sent from my iPhone On 17 May 2017, at 11:23, dom >

wrote:

Jerome: Because you seem to be so hated by the Kidders.

Austin: So, you want our help to make you Philli, then, once your a re god, you will torture and kill us? rest

Dave: Hmmm, doesn't really sell itself as a plan

Jerome: Oh no, that's not what I meant at all. It's just that I might get bored along the way and do that. However, it's more likely that your loyalty will be rewarded with all sorts of groovy powers.

Alice: Like having a huge baby head?

Jerome: [Checks himself out in the mirror] It's not *that* babyish!

Jerome: All it will take is rescuing a vat of babies.

Charlie: [Relieved] That's preferable to the last offer we received! Where are these envatted babies?

Dur: Groovy! Who are we rescuing them from?

Austin: [Looks queasy] I have an odd feeling of Déjà vu. [TO Jerome] What rest are you going to do with the babies once we have rescued them?

Clint: And what are we going to do with an entire vat of babies once we rescue them?

Jerome: [Laughs] Good one! [Pause] Oh, you're actually serious! [Looks across the party members] Do these blank looks suggest that you are not in favour of Jerome hijacking the aforementioned vat and sending it into the volcano?

Alice: What volcano?

Jerome: [Stares at her] Are you SURE we haven't met before?

Clint: I think maybe dropping a vat of babies into a volcano is a bad way too start out as Philli.

Jerome: Yeesh, for a bunch of minions, you guys sure seem to be quick to offer opinions! What else would we do with a vat of babies? On 05/17/2017 11:27 AM, Conor Ryan

wrote:


;;; So many possible answers here! I favor "feed the starving poor in Ireland."

Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, I have a good number of experiments I should like to conduct! Would you be able to arrange for legal guardians to sign privacy and liability waivers, etc?

Austin: :Go Chuckles! [Hands Charlie a stack of privacy and liability rest waivers]

Jerome: Sure! You can give the papers to my lawyer. [Gestures to a chest in the back of the carriage]

Charlie: [Excited] Splendid! [Starts scribbling information on the forms as she looks to the back of the carriage for the lawyer]

Dur: [Confused] Errrm, your lawyer is a chest?

Jerome: Nope, he's in the chest.

Dur: [Nervously whispering to Charlie] Perhaps we just skip the forms.... Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR!!! Best place for them!! Can we get one for ours? Eh Austin? Keep you in a box eh?? HAR!!!

Clint: Doc, does Chuck try to deny you your little pleasures in life? Let her do the paperwork. It'll make her happy, and she'll be too busy to be a killjoy.

Austin: [Laughing, casually checks his nails] You'll need your own box if rest you ever try anything like that. Sent from my iPhone On 18 May 2017, at 15:59, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Austin: [Laughing, casually checks his nails] You'll need your own box if you ever try anything like that. rest

Jerome: What do you call one dismembered lawyer in a box?

Dave: Lonely? HAR!! Sent from my iPhone On 18 May 2017, at 16:12, scott groves >

wrote: Sent from my iPhone On 18 May 2017, at 15:59, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Austin: [Laughing, casually checks his nails] You'll need your own box if you ever try anything like that. rest

Jerome: What do you call one dismembered lawyer in a box?

Dave: Lonely? HAR!!

Dave: Oh ! Oh! I have another! " A start..."

Clint: What do you call a dismembered man in a hot tub? Stu!

Jerome: [Stares at Dave for a long, slightly scary moment, before roaring laughing] That's way better than what I've been calling him!

Alice: What do you call him?

Jerome: George.

Charlie: [Looks ill] Why have you all of these dismembered people about?!

Jerome: [Defensively] There's only one! And he's a lawyer!

Austin: [Tries to open the box to see if it's true] If there were fewer rest liars in this world you would not need lawyers. We are the spiders for the lying flies.

Alice: I thought you were the vultures for the dying innocents.

Austin: No, that's simply the image that the lying media wish to portray rest us in to discredit us.


;;;DO we recognise the dismembered lawyer?

Alice: Ah, the old fake news defence!


;;; Nope!

Charlie: [To Jerome, warily] How are we to know you will not chop us to bits, as well?!

Jerome: Because there are more of you than me!

Charlie: Then, I suppose it will be up to us to decide how the vat of babies should be best utilized?

Jerome: As long as I get to help save the kids, I'm happy!

Charlie: Marvelous! Where are these little tykes?

Jerome: With the Kidders.

Dur: [Nervously] You mean we have to go back into the midst of those maniacs?!

Jerome: Come on! You can do it for the kids, right?

Austin: Of course we can. rest

Jerome: Excellent! Then we need to get you back on the inside, as Sim herders. They're about to drive two vatloads up to the volcano.

Dur: Let me guess... We're going to need disguises!

Clint: Right. Let's go save us some babies! Although, couldn't we just hijack their shipment?

Jerome: Hijacking sounds good, but yes, you'll definitely need some disguises. Maybe you could each pass your outfits to the person on your left, forming a toroidal queue of outfit passing?

Austin: [Alarmed, looks to see who is on his right] I think that we shall rest require new outfits. Toroidal or otherwise.

Alice: [Standing to Austin's right, with Dave to her right] Oh please, you'll look adorable!

Clint: [Seated to Austin's right, and already untying his rope belt] I don't like it any better than you do, lawyer, but won't somebody think of the children?!
;;; That's an unfortunate clash!!

Alice: [To Clint] Get off me, you oaf! And don't sit on my right, I don't want to have to wear your stinky diaper!
;;; Poor Dom. It's almost like we're lining up to humiliate Austin!

Clint: Well, sorry, your highness. Although you're the last person who should be getting all haughty about the state of someone's underwear! [Goes to sit where he's less unwelcome.] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will cheerfully remove his furs etc and throw them to his right, and out of the carriage]

Alice: [Peers out the window to see Dave's clothes lying in a disgusting pool of mud] I guess those are Clint's -- although maybe they're a bit clean!

Charlie: [Protectively clutching her suit] This plan, though neatly organized, is quite unnecessary! All we need to do is don unlikely headgear. For instance, I shall wear this [grabs a dirty baseball cap with an Aphasia Aardvark's logo on it], for it plays against my type. No one would suspect the distinguished Dr. Parker-Kensington would wear a silly sporting hat!

Alice: [Does a double take] What? Who the hell are you?

Charlie: [Triumphantly removes the hat] Precisely my point! [To Alice, handing her a moldy mortarboard that appears to have been stepped on by someone who first stepped in melted cheese] Here, this will work for you!

Alice: [Puts on the mortarboard and starts to speak in a snooty voice] Quiet, children! I am Professor Alice Kensington-Parker!

Alice: [Puts on the mortarboard and starts to speak in a snooty voice]

Austin: Not exactly Kidder outfits though, are they? rest

Alice: Interesting question, Mr. ... ah, Sleaze? Let's put that in brackets for now and revisit it shortly.

Jerome: You are correct. However, if you are going to hijack the vat through some sort of ambush, you probably don't need Kidder outfits. [Reflects] It doesn't mean you *can't* wear them, of course. On the other hand, if you wish surreptitiously gain control of the vehicle with the Kidders believing you are part of their organisation, then yes, it seems ludicrous to venture forth without Kidder outfits. Distasteful as though they may be.

Dur: Soooo.... we need diapers? I always wear one anyway! After all, you never know when you're going to vacate your bowels in fear. Oh! I just did it again....

Alice: [Waving her hand in front of her face] Oh my GOD! What have you been eating, Dur?

Dur: It may be more appropriate to ask "What HAVEN'T you been eating, Dur?" And the answer is nothing.

Austin: [Fashions himself a nappy from a Hugio-Choss navy blue beach rest towel] The things we do for ... [Gets out safety pins and fastens his nappy] .. small babies we have never met before? towel] The things we do for ... [Gets out safety pins and fastens his nappy] .. small babies we have never met before?

Charlie: [To Dur] Have you a nappy [quickly]--a CLEAN nappy--you could lend me?

Dur: Clean by YOUR standards or by mine?

Alice: Oh, please -- he doesn't have anything clean! Come on, Charlie, you and I swap, our clothes are way less disgusting than most!

Clint: Look, if we're dressing like Kidders, then the lawyer's got the right idea. [Starts converting some old towels into an unconvincing diaper, which he pins and holds up with his rope belt.]

Alice: [Still wearing her mortar board] So, we need to go back to the Kidders and pretend to be vat drivers?

Clint: Yeah, but only until we can steal the vats. As plans go, this plays to our strengths of being poorly thought out and insanely dangerous. I like it!

Alice: But how do we get back to the Kidders? Maybe we could pretend we've stolen a carriage and killed the Sim-loving driver!

Charlie: Good idea, or even that the driver was a Sim impersonating a Kidder! [To the party] Phili knows there appears to be little discernible difference! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ Idly scratching his once more naked behind] I tire of these complex and distasteful deceptions- can we not resort to honest cunning stealth and murderous bloody ambush? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [wistfully] I miss those.....

Alice: Kind of like how I miss you wearing pants.

Alice: Kind of like how I miss you wearing pants.

Austin: {Shaking his head at Dave's nudity] It is amazing how much rest training new staff require these days. We'll have to teach them how to breath next!

Alice: So, will we beat up Jerome and take his carriage?

Charlie: Well, it would please Dave, though Jerome is rather powerful. Should we really make an enemy of him, especially when our interests align vis-à-vis saving infants from sacrifice?

Jerome: Indeed, it seems crazy to try to kill Jerome!

Charlie: [Nods] Then it is settled! [To Dave] Sorry, but you must reserve your bloodlust for another day. [Encouragingly] Chin up! We typically face mortal danger on a regular basis. Soon you will be fighting for your life!

Clint: More importantly, soon you'll be fighting for the lives of innocent babies everywhere! So that'll be something to look forward to. Haw!

Alice: [Nods] They're right! Now, why not be a big boy and put your er... diaper?

Austin: No one else getting the whole Deja vu thing on the rescuing a vat rest of babies plan? [Looks worried]

Alice: The last time was totally different. That time we were trying to stop [mouths the name] Jerome [normal voice] from throwing a vat of babies over a cliff. This time we're trying to stop someone from throwing them into a volcano. [Thinks] Hm, it is kind of the same, isn't it? How did it work out the last time?


;;; Bad! The party stopped Jerome, but Sven threw them over and became Phili!

Clint: Well, okay, that didn't work out, but would letting the Kidders pick the next Phili be better?

Alice: That depends on who the kidders pick. Would it be me? Or maybe that awful James Kidd guy?

Clint: Obviously they'd pick you, Bimbo, which is why they call themselves the Allisons.

Alice: Really? Aw, wow! That's great! I like any organisation that wants me to be god, but, I can't really get behind the whole killing-a-vat-babies thing.

Austin: It may be a case of killing a vat of babies to save the world and rest stop anyone else killing the vat of doomed babies?

Alice: [Looks positively ill] Let's call that Plan B.

Austin: As far as we know it is the only way to become Phili, and we need rest a math genius with incredibly good taste in hair beauty products to be Phili. It would be the ultimate balance. The complete spectrum from non linear dynamics to Panthera-pro-11 conditioner with after-sun-ultra-pro-ultra. need a math genius with incredibly good taste in hair beauty products to be Phili. It would be the ultimate balance. The complete spectrum from non linear dynamics to Panthera-pro-11 conditioner with after-sun-ultra-pro-ultra.

Charlie: [Firmly] Alice, you cannot become Phili! [To the others, in a low voice] Remember, her mortarboard is a disguise, not evidence that she has suddenly become learned and wise!

Alice: Hey! I heard that! [Puts on the enormous glasses she took from Professor Tuskington (Charlie's elephant) before indignantly turning to Charlie] Wise enough for you now?


;;; Here's where she picked them up:
Alice nabs Tuskington's glasses

Charlie: [Gasps] Astonishing! Oh, do please read this draft of my latest monograph and offer your feedback! [Temptingly] I shall list you in the acknowledgements if you do!

Dur: Take them off! Take them off quickly!

Alice: Of course I shall read it -- I would be happy to! [Aside to Dur] I'll just tell her it all looks great but should be a little shorter, that always works. You don't have to read anything and they always find something to trim!

Charlie: [Confidently] Oh, it couldn't be any shorter. Every one of those 2,167 pages is critically important!

Dur: [Smugly to Alice] Now what genius?

Clint: We use all that extra paper to help keep our campfire going?

Alice: [Confidentially holds a hand up to Dur] Only 2167? [Shakes her head sadly] I think you're probably not doing your work justice by giving it enough background information. [Whispers to Clint] Only resort to burning it if it looks like we'll actually have to read it!

Charlie: [Worriedly] Oh, I fear you are correct! I really must get to the library at once!

Jerome: Jerome would be most keen to help with the editing -- to the library!

Alice: Don't we have a vat of babies to rescue?

Jerome: [Flustered and embarrassed] Er, yes, of course. I meant go to the library after the vat, or not at all, because, you know, libraries are uh, lame, and being cool, Jerome never goes near them and hey, why would I want to edit a boring book about [to Charlie] what's the book about? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I'd like to go the library too. Then I could burn it.

Charlie: [To Dave] That kind of talk will get you permanently banned from the library! [To Jerome, excited] It's about a comprehensive classification system for minor demons in an as-yet theoretical plane of existence!

Jerome: Aw, man! I love demons from theoretical planes of existence! That's one of my favourite things!

Alice: Oh, god, can we please go and hang out with the weirdoes in diapers? They're bound to be less annoying than this geek fest!

Charlie: [Anxiously] Yes, and we must go quickly if I am to find time later to further develop the background material in my book. [To Jerome] You may assist me if you like [quickly] but you cannot be named an author!

Jerome: I'm a god, do you really think I care about being named as author on some geeky book?

Jerome: Okay, okay! I do care! We can sort out when you try to get the manuscript back from me! [Untethers one of the horses and races off]

Dur: Sooooo.... We're NOT saving a vat of babies now?

Alice: I think WE'RE saving the vat of babies -- surely even Kidders know what Jerome looks like? [Shrugs] It's either that or go to the library, Dur!

Clint: [Shudders] Don't say that word, Bimbo! You never know what it might lead the sarge to do!

Alice: [Leaps onto the carriage] Let's go kid some Kidders!

Charlie: [Enters the carriage] It will be [huge stagey pause] child's play!

Clint: Puns? You've got [dramatically slips on a pair of sunglasses] to be kidding.

Alice: [Picks up a mic so she can drop it] Actually, I think you'll find it's... it's... gah! [Throws the mic angrily on the ground] Come on, let's get out of here!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act V, Scene VI. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, zooming back towards the kidders.]

Alice: What if they've already left?

Dur: Then we swoop in at the last possible moment at the lip of the volcano and dramatically save the day?

Clint: [Nods in agreement] Why play against type now, right? We're better when we do things at the last minute!

Austin: Well, we have a better chance of failing. We could make a plan. rest


;;;sorry off today

Alice: Maybe we should try to head them off at the pass?

Charlie: [To Jerome] Is there a short-cut to the volcano? And does it pass by the library?!
;;; Jerome's gone!

Alice: [Fishing out a map from the dashboard] This should tell us! [Pores over it for a good two minutes, making all sorts of "hm" and "ah" sounds, before turning to the party] Yeah, this map is broken, it doesn't make any sense.

Austin: Perhaps because it is back to front? [Takes the map and flips it over]
;;; D'oh! over]

Charlie: [Looks at the map] Splendid, the plan is coming together marvelously! [Studies the map] This is the most direct route that also takes us by the library, so I suggest we follow it!

Alice: Alternatively, we could take this route [points to another one] which is five minutes longer but doesn't involve a boring, six hour stay at the library! You know the old saying, the longest way around is the shortest way to get to the vat of babies before they're thrown into a volcano by a bunch of weirdoes in adult diapers.

Austin: Ah yes, the old sayings are often wise, although I always found that one to be oddly specific.

Dur: Maybe we can author a book of old proverbs and age old wisdom and market as the secret success to life. It will be complete and utter garbage, but it will still sell better than that monstrosity Charlie's been working on!


;;; We'll be off in the states on Monday FYI.

Alice: I'll proof read it for you!


;;; And in England and Scotland too, so it'll just be me and Heather!!

Charlie: [To Dur, haughtily] I'll have you know my last monograph was the runaway best-seller of the academic year! [To Alice, proudly] It sold in the triple digits!


;;; Woo hoo, Charlie will finally have a fighting chance to make it to the library!

Alice: Yeah, three ones! [Holds up her fingers as she counts] One to you, one to your mother and one to some sad loser who thought it was a porn book and was too embarrassed to return it when he realised it was really was about an actual Horned Demon With a Trunk and His Many Virgin Sacrifices.


;;; Noooooooo!

Charlie: [To Alice] True, my book was a Larry's Porn Barn's [finger quotes] Boner-fide Sexxxy Selection of the Month, but I'll have you know that when I surveyed the book club patrons an impressive 7% of them responded that they [triumphant finger quotes] were not VERY angry that they mistakenly read the book!

Clint: Sorry, Sarge, but we can't risk you wandering into the library and then getting caught up in all the excitement of working out a more efficient version of the Dewey decimal system, so we end up missing the Kidders at the pass and a whole bunch of babies gets sacrificed.

Dur: Ok ladies, perhaps we can measure the size of our…. accomplishments… another time? Maybe we should focus on something more pressing, such as saving a vat of babies!!!

Alice: Larry's Porn Barn? That was Deuce's fav- I mean, shame on you, Charlie! These babies won't just save themselves, you know! Are we going to the camp or will we try to cut them off by taking a non-library route?
;;; Dom is away this week

Austin: Non-library route it is!

Charlie: Very well, but after this is over, you are going to give me at least twelve hours of library assistance each! [Dramatically] Let's go save some babies!

Austin: [Looks worried] We'll see. [To the party] This better be one huge vat of babies!

Sweeney: Password. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: (shrugs and hands Sweeney a sword).

Sweeney: [Examines it] Pointy. I like it. [Hands it back] Better keep an eye out, there are some SimKidders around who might want to try and ambush the sacrifice. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR! They'd need to be total genius' to slip past you and these guys though eh? Keep it up! (Will beckon the group through the blockade)... guys though eh? Keep it up! (Will beckon the group through the blockade)...

Sweeney: Too right! Fortunately, the SimKidders are just a bunch of idiots who don't understand how easy it is to spot them. [Looks at the carriage] Hm, that carriage looks familiar. Where did you get it?

Dur: [Nervously] Where do we kidders get anything?! We stole it off the street of course, for the greater good no less….? street of course, for the greater good no less….?

Sweeney: Sure, but it is an awful nice carriage. You sure it wasn't just given to you by some sort of SimKidder? given to you by some sort of SimKidder?

Charlie: Do be serious! It was not given to us, rather we took it by a rather dashing display of force!

Sweeney: That does sound like something a Kidder would do -- but do you have any evidence?

Dur: Errrr... well we do have the hacked up body of the guy we stole it from it that chest right there? Does that work?


;;; Oh god let us still have the chest...
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will attempt to snatch Charlie's book ] we have this, the insane and incomprehensible scrawling of one of the Sim-Kidders we joyfully despatched to acquire this sweet ride.
;;; What sort of sickos would drive around with it still in the carriage???

Sweeney: [Gags] Yeeesh! You guys don't mess around! Wow! Respect!

Dur: [Relieved] Certainly not when doing Kidders work! So if everything is in order now...

Austin: Yes, do step aside. It would be most inconvenient if we had to stuff another body into the chest.

Sweeney: [Looks over the party] Which of you would it be?

Alice: Don't test our patience. We have The Kidd's work to do.

Alice: Ha! See you, sucker! [Revs up the horses and floors the accelerator, but nothing happens] Er, I think we're stuck.

Sweeney: Your wheel is stuck in some mud. Come on, we'll help you.

[Everyone gets out of the carriage and pushes it forward slowly. Eventually it gets out of the mud. Much celebrating and high fiving ensues.]

Alice: Hey, thanks guys!

Sweeney: No problem!

Alice: [To the party] Whew, that was a close one. [Leans out the window] See you sucker! [To Dur] Go on! Drive! Drive, you fool!


;;; Alice, of course, is in the driver's seat.

Dur: Umm..... giddy-up? [Slaps Alice's arse to make her go]

Alice: Hey! Keep your hands to yourself, bub, don't make me go all SimKidder killer on you!

Sweeney: Is there a problem?

Clint: Nope! Just our driver doesn't have her license and has no idea what she's doing. [Under his breath.] Floor it, Bimbo!


;;; Sorry for my absence this morning, all. Spent the three day weekend helping my parents move into their new house, drove back to Houston,
;;; got in at 12:30, in bed by 1:00... Slept until noon. Probably shouldn't have driven back last night at all, but at least I'm alive and the
;;; deer I almost ran over will probably be okay after a couple of years of therapy, so all's well that end's well!

Alice: [To Sweeney] See ya, loser! [Floors it and the party race off]

Sweeney: What nice people! [To a nearby Kidder] Aren't they nice people?

Kidder: I thought they were a bunch of assholes.

Alice: [To the party, still driving] Hey! Did that guy just call you assholes?


;;; Sorry for the surprise quietness today -- suddenly dragged
;;; into the middle of nowhere with no phone coverage!
assholes?

Charlie: [To Alice, hanging on for dear life] Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!

Alice: Ew! Who put them there? That's just weird!

Austin: [Knuckles white from grabbing onto the carriage] Perhaps we should stop to consider how we will ambush the baby vat?

Charlie: We could tell them the sacrifice is too small and insulting, and that we will take them back and gather more to make a more dramatic offering later on?

Alice: [Stops the carriage] Good idea, but what if that guy with the baby head is there? Will he buy our story?

Dur: Perhaps some of us can cause a distraction while the rest of us rescue the vat?

Alice: Great idea! Maybe Dur could lie in the middle of the road, and then, when they stop, we can jump them and throw them over the edge of this impossibly narrow and high road? [Thinks] Although, that does assume they'd actually bother stopping for Dur.

Dur: We could set up the carriage to look like a mobile food cart with signs that say "SimKidders eat free round back!" That might get there attention?

Alice: We're trying to get their attention, Dur, not YOURS!


;;; Gone for the day!

Clint: Hey, Bimbo, don't knock it -- a free lunch is a free lunch! We'll need to have some bottles of formula ready, just in case.

Alice: Baby formula? Why would we want to make more babies? We're about to have a whole vat of them!

Clint: You know, for our food truck? Have to have a product to sell the Kidders if they come by, or else they'll see right through our cunning disguise!


;;; Am currently revising a manuscript and should probably stop before I get sleepy enough
;;; that I start adding mistakes rather than removing them. Be nice to Clint overnight!

Alice: A food truck selling ground up babies? Ew! What the hell is wrong with you, Stinky?

Charlie: [Appalled] Indeed, who eats food served from a truck?!

Alice: Don't be such a [draws out a square with her fingers] Charlie! It's delicious and [suggestively] dirrrrrty! Like having underage sex with Daddy's gardener -- before he was fired and his family thrown out of their house and into the workhouse, of course.

Dur: ... I think we're losing focus here.

Clint: That can't possibly surprise you after all your time in the group, doc!

Austin: Quite! Let us set up some sort of roadblock further back down so they don't see our carriage as they approach.

Clint: Anyone got portable barricades to hand? Orange traffic cones? [Turns to Alice.] Perhaps a slutty policeman's costume?

Alice: I still have the Hot Cops set that I got for us all to wear at Halloween last year!

Charlie: Perhaps we can make a big gaudy sign advertising a sale on toys? And that sign can lead to further signs pointing in confusing directions, getting the Kidders utterly lost and leaving us to swoop in and save the vatted babies!

Alice: [Already changed into her Hot Cop uniform] Or, you know, we could do something that might actually work!

Charlie: [To Alice, skeptically] Have you the necessary construction cones?

Alice: Of course! We don't show those until towards the end of the performance, though.

Charlie: [Quickly] Not those cones! Ones to redirect traffic!


;;; That's my three!

Clint: Honestly, Sarge! You know as well as I do that when it comes to slutty costumes, Alice has her stuff wired tight.

Alice: Oh believe me, Charlie, these cones will definitely redirect traffic! [To Clint] Come on, Stinky, there's nothing strange about these costumes! Now, put on your mini skirt and get ready to flash your boobs at passing traffic!

Clint: Yeah, all right. [Looks for a bush to change behind.]


;;; at least it will redirect traffic!

Charlie: [Peers into the box of skimpy costumes disapprovingly] I shall be playing the role of a detective, for which I am already suitably dressed! [Fishes out a fake badge that squirts water]

Alice: Ow! Hey! That isn't a toy, you know! [To the party] Let's go a bit further down as there's nowhere to hide our carriage.

Austin: How may babies does it take to fill a vat? rest Sent from my iPhone On 7 Jun 2017, at 12:19, dom >

wrote:

Alice: Ow! Hey! That isn't a toy, you know! [To the party] Let's go a bit further down as there's nowhere to hide our carriage.

Austin: How may babies does it take to fill a vat? rest Dave:[ is excited to hear the punchline of this joke]

Alice: [Giggles excitedly and nudges Dave] This is gonna be great! [To Austin] I don't know, how many babies does it take to fill a vat?

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, is this the one with the spherical cow?

Austin: I assume that none of you know the answer. [Casually checks his rest nails] The answer is none.

Alice: I don't get it.

Alice: No, I don't get it.

Dur: [Rolls his eyes] Big surprise there. What should I do in setting up our distraction?

Austin: You will do if you keep that costume on for long enough! rest

Alice: You should lie on the ground and pretend to be a victim. You know, play to your strengths. [Coughs] Strength.

Dur: Great! [Assumes a position on the ground and can soon be heard softly snoring]

Austin: The answer is zero point 1. If you chop the baby into ten pieces, rest you can fill ten small vats!

Charlie: Yes, but wouldn't they just drive over him? [To Dur, kindly] No offense, but they might simply mistake you for road kill.

Alice: Of course, Charlie. He's a victim, he supposed to be injured. It's a little thing called [dramatically] acting!

Clint: [Frowns.] Yeah, but being run over is pretty method. Besides, dammit, Bimbo, he's a doctor, not an actor!

Alice: If he's such a great doctor, he can cure himself once he's been run over!

Austin: Do you have him insured? rest

Alice: [Shrugs] What would we get for him? A silver piece? I mean, it's not like he's even a tolerably okay doctor! run over!

Charlie: [To Austin] What insurance company would insure him?! [To Alice] And I think we can all agree, he is NOT such a great doctor!

Clint: Hey! The doc is a valued member of our team! Even if he is asleep on the job. Again.

Alice: That's what he's supposed to do, Stinky! I mean, who else would lie in the middle of a filthy road? [Looks Clint up and down] Well, who else other than you?

Clint: You, if there were a pair of shiny shoes in it for you, or Sarge if someone offerred her a boring enough book?

Alice: Oh, sweet innocent Stinky, how little you know about women!

Charlie: Quickly! Throw some rocks and logs on the road and get ready to direct traffic!

Clint: [Looking oh-so-cool in his borrowed miniskirt, belly shirt, and stripper shoes.] Don't worry, I got this! [Holds up his borrowed whistle and fuzzy cuffs and steps out into the road.]


;;; Yeesh. Maybe poor old Clint will get lucky and they'll just run him over along with Dur.

Austin: [Grimacing as Clint steps into the road] This does not look good! rest [Readies his slingshot covertly]

Alice: [Glares jealously at Clint's flouncy skirt] Agreed!

Mikey: Clear the road immediately!

Charlie: Sir, you need to calm down. [Flashes her fake badge] Detective [freezes and looks around in a panic for a name idea] Stone Forest, er, is me! This road is obviously hazardous and quite impassable, and you must take a detour, as directed by the uniformed officer [nods to Clint].

Mikey: Look, Detective Forest, this is the only way up to the volcano, we're on an urgent mission of [freezes and looks around in a panic for a moment] plugging the volcano before it erupts!

Alice: It's going to erupt? We're all gonna die!

Austin: What are you going to plug it with? [Looks for a vat of babies] rest

Mikey: Something sciencey!

Charlie: [To Mikey, raising a warning hand] Sir, you need to lower your voice. [Flips open a notepad and is poised to write] Now, do you have a permit to plug the volcano? If not, you are going to have to exit the road immediately like all the other law-abiding citizens I will not need to write a ticket for today!

Austin: Oh, I thought you might be using a skip of babies or similar. Not rest particularly sciencey. What sciencey method are you using?

Mikey: We don't need no stinking permits! [To Austin] You wouldn't understand, and we're certainly not going to use a vat of sacrificial babies to plug the volcano, regardless of how much glory it would bring the great James Kidd.

Voice: Blessed be his name!

Alice: [Puts on her mirrored shades and walks around the back of the carriage to where there's a covered trailer, which looks like it could easily accommodate a good sized vat of babies] Hey boyah, ah see you've all gone and broken this here tail light.

Dur: [Whispering to the rest of the group] Maybe we should try to covertly rescue the babies?

Mikey: [Looking back] Hey! Get away from there! There's nothing wrong with the tail light! [To the rest of the party] Let us through, we're on a mission from god.

Clint: [Holding his fuzzy cuffs prominently.] Sir, I must ask you to remain calm while my colleagues complete their inspection of your vehicle.

Mikey: Don't you know who you're talking to?

Charlie: [Snaps her notepad shut] That's it! Step away from the vehicle, sir!

Mikey: [Steps out of the carriage and looks around the party] Don't I know you?

Austin: Don't try the buddy buddy with us, we've see it all before, [To rest Alice] ain't we ?

Alice: What we've got here, Officer Austin, is failure to communicate. This boyah seems to think he can sweet talk his way outta the whole passel o' trouble he's in.

Sent from my iPhone Dave[ springing out of nowhere, adopts an exaggerated sultry pose in his Naughty Policewoman outfit, his red mane tied into girly pigtails with rather fetching glitter across his face and highlighting his beard. He will quickly attempt to snap handcuffs onto Mikey and purr
] who's been a naughty boy then?
[MIKEY punches DAVE hard, smashing him against the carriage.]

Mikey: [To the other Kidders] Get them!

[The others leap out.]

Alice: Uh oh! The last time we clashed with this guy, we couldn't hurt him! We're up so high and the road's so narrow we can't even race back down in our carriage!


;;; She's right the road is barely wide enough to fit a single carriage, and they are up very high
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: RRRRAAARGH!!! [ will start trying to push the carriage over and generally engage in violence loudly and enthusiastically]

Alice: Leave him alone! [Attacks Mikey with her sword, hitting him and sending him staggering, but not drawing blood.]

Dur: [Rushing over to feebly attempt helping Dave back up over the cliff] If we can't hurt them, maybe we can push them off the mountain!

Alice: Wait, push Dave off the mountain? Wouldn't it make more sense to push the Kidders off the mountain?

Mikey: Well actually, I think you'll find that it's a volcano, and not a mountain.

Alice: I mean, he is WAY more annoying than Dave!

Austin: [Tries to sneak into what ever is in the Kidder's trailer] rest Sent from my iPhone Dave:[will tousle Durs hair by way of thanks and study Mikey for any clue as to a weakness] run away gang! Up the mountain! these cry babies won't be able to catch us!

Alice: [To Dave] No! Let's push Mikey off! With any luck, he will land on his baby head!

[The Kidders advance on AUSTIN, lead by CUDDLES POOPINGTON.]

Cuddles: Step away from the baby vat!

Austin: [Tries to slip into the VAT of babies, and take a baby hostage rest with a knife to it's throat] Drop your weapons or the babies get it! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ok then! Quick liberate the prisoners from the vat and they can help fight on our behalf! help fight on our behalf!

Charlie: [Joins Austin and Dave and tries to grab babies. To Cuddles] I think not!

Alice: [Confused] Uh, okay! [Drops her sword]

Austin: [To Alice] Pick your sword up and hand cuff them or something! rest

Charlie: [Discreetly drops her babies back into the vat and attempts to sneakily take the drivers' seat of the carriage]

Mikey: He's bluffing! Kill them! Kill them all!

Cuddles: You will die now! We cannot be defeated with the Great Mikey to support us!

Dur: [Jumps into the party's carriage and reverses at high speed towards Mikey] I wish I had a catch phrase!!!

[Splat. DUR hits MIKEY and sends him flying over the cliff, before jumping out of the carriage seconds before it follows over the edge.]

Mikey: [Flying over the edge] James Kidd foreveeeeeeeeeeeee [tails off as he plunges down into the distance]

Clint: And that's how it's done! [Goes to cuff a Kidder or two so he can change into his moth-eaten old clothes and regain some dignity. ]

Austin: [To the Kidders] Drop your weapons and surrender! I'm not rest bluffing, I hate babies! change into his moth-eaten old clothes and regain some dignity. ]

Charlie: [Applauding] Well done, Dur! Remind me to give you a copper later! [To the party] Let us get these wailing waifs back to an orphanage at once!

Cuddles: My Kidd! They just killed Mikey! Let's get out of here!

Alice: Dur, that was quite the worst driving I've ever seen, but man, it really is satisfying when you hit a guy with your carriage isn't it? [To Charlie] There's not enough space to turn the carriage, we probably need to go up to the top and turn it there.

Austin: [Puts the baby down and hops slickly out of the vat] Do you think rest Mikey died?

Charlie: [Regards the turn radius of the carriage] Are you sure? The sooner we head back, the sooner we no longer have to hear the endless wailing! [Quickly] And do not think for one minute I am changing all those diapers! Clint:Truly, your maternal instincts are an inspiration to us all, Sarge. [To Austin.] Let's hope so! That guy creeps me out!

Alice: It's a simple geometry problem, Charlie, look. [Writes out a bunch of massively complex and convincing looking equations which are only marginally compromised by her use of a smiley face everywhere there's a zero] It's just not possible. [Gives an irritated look at the wailing babies in the vat] Are they going to be making that noise all the time? At least if Mikey isn't dead and comes back to ambush us, he'll have to listen to that racket!

Charlie: Very well, but [scolding] no accidentally tipping vats of babies into the volcano! Remember, that is what we were trying to STOP from happening!

Clint: And no doing it on purpose just because they won't stop crying and pooping, either!

Dur: [Dusting himself off but somehow only making himself dirtier] Are you talking to us, or to yourself?

Dur: [Dusting himself off but somehow only making himself dirtier] Are you World, as usual. [Grimly checks his nails]

Alice: I guess we better drive on up to the top. Maybe this time I should drive instead of Dave?

Charlie: I shall drive, and the rest of you watch out for Kidders!

Alice: Oh, so suddenly it's a good idea for me not to drive on a narrow road at the edge of a volcano that is liable to have rock falls and/or eruptions at any second?

All: Yes!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up!

;;; As they say locally: "Right up, me arse!"
;;; Apologies for the delay, I got distracted by something shiny
[Book X, Act V, Scene VII. Approaching the Crater. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and DAVE are here in the carriage, with a vat of surprisingly quiet babies still attached.]

Alice: Finally! Yeesh, it's like having my old grandma driving! [To the party] She drives really slow. [Pause] I'm saying that Charlie drives really slow. [Pause] Zing!

Clint: That's telling her, Bimbo! On the other hand, we haven't crashed. Yet.

Alice: But at what cost, Stinky? At what cost?


;;; Dom is afk this week

Austin: [Warily takes out his sling] We should be careful, this could be the perfect place to ambush us.

Dur: Perhaps we should be wary? [Looks about nervously]

Alice: [Folding her arms] Well, not wanting to say I told you so, but.....

Charlie: [Worriedly peers outside to see what was hit] Oh, dear! I hope it isn't a cat. [Brightens] Perhaps it will only be someone's dog!

Clint: Really, Sarge? New group pact - no more woman drivers!

Alice: Clint, you're a pig. [Peers out] I think we've hit a baby.

Dur: [Fearfully] In deference to our Lawyer's advice from earlier, perhaps we should just ignore it and keep going? We have all the babies we can handle right now!
;;; Heather is afk for a bit

Charlie: [Revs up the horses, but nothing happens] We appear to be stuck!

Clint: [Shakes his head.] Fine, I'll take a look. [Gets out to see if he can figure out why the carriage won't move.]

James: Thanks for bringing up the vat of babies.

Clint: Ah hell.


;;; Given the opportunity, Clint will try to punt Kidd off into the distance.
[Alas, JAMES is too far under the carriage to facilitate any baby punting.]

Charlie: [To the others, in a low voice] Prepare to retrieve the vats! I shall try to set the carriage on fire.

Alice: How? Through more of your bad driving?


;;; Dom is out this week

Austin: [Points out through the front of the carriage] Mikey's back. I think we may have something of a problem.

[Sure enough, MIKEY is standing in front of the carriage, looking none too happy.]

Dave: Yo Mikey my main man! You will never guess who we have under our carriage! Go and look!

Mikey: [Sneers at the party] Unless it's someone other than His Worship James Kidd, I won't be surprised.

Alice: [Whispers to the party] Does that mean he WILL be surprised if it is Kidd?
;;; Sent by Scott to just me by accident

Dave: HAR! I bet you our freedom that you are surprised.

Mikey: Then I will take your freedom. [Dramatic pause] And your lives!

Mikey: This is getting annoying. [Punches one of the horses in the face] Step out of the carriage before his Babyishness throws it in the volcano.

Charlie: [To Mikey, hopefully] Why, will it spoil your sacrifice if we remain with the babies?!

Mikey: No, it's just that all the crying and hair pulling will be distracting.

Dur: Shouldn't it be nap time by now? [To the group] Ok, so now what? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: personally I'd like to throw him in the Volcano. I'm also not happy that he hit the horse.

Alice: As long as James is holding onto the carriage, there's not a whole lot we can do. Although it would be tempting to dump them both into the volcano. If only there was some way to tie James to the carriage!

Charlie: [To Clint, in a low voice, super-excited] Haven't you some fluffy handcuffs we could use?! Quickly, use them to attach James to the carriage while the rest of us grab the vats.

Clint: Not sure I can reach him, but it's worth a shot! [Checks to see if this is doable and if it is, does so. ]

Mikey: [Pulls an unfeasibly large sword out of his diaper] Now I will cut off your arms and legs, and will leave you to watch as we make the Great Sacrifice! Master, whenever you are ready!

[There's a terrible banging from beneath the carriage, and JAMES bursts his head up through the floorboards.]

James: Heeeeeere's Jamie! [Pushes aside some floor boards and starts to pull himself in] underneath.]

Charlie: [Gasps and desperately tries to heft a vat] Quickly group! Let us try to roll these down the volcano! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: We're rolling rolling rolling! [will put his back into tipping carriage and Kidd into volcano- over the top of Mikey if possible]

James: [With his two tiny hands holding onto the strong metal legs of the seats in the carriage as he starts to pull himself up] If you're lucky, I will leave you alive in the carriage as it is driven into the volcano!

Charlie: [Rushes to help Dave, attacking Mikey] Bad baby! Bad!

Alice: [Smacks Mikey on the nose with a newspaper] Down, boy!

James: [Still pulling himself up using the metal legs of the seats] Just as well these seat legs are so sturdy, otherwise they couldn't hold my massive muscly frame!

Dur: So brute force doesn’t seem to be working, does anyone else have a better plan?


;;;Conor, FYI, as of Thursday evening I will be on vacation until the 26th.

Alice: Maybe we should handcuff him to the sturdy seat legs he likes so much?


;;; Thanks for letting us know!

Clint: [Tries to handcuff James to the sturdy seat legs he likes so much.]

Clint: Right! Let's yoink those babies, throw Mikey and the carriage in the volcano, and make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here!

Dur: Time for some more dangerous driving!

James: Stop! Stop!

Mikey: [Running after the carriage] I'll kill you all! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [groan]

Charlie: [To Mikey] Perhaps we will see you in Hell! [Waves cheerily]

Mikey: [Turns to Charlie and Dave] You will be my first victims! [Raises his sword, but staggers, as his beloved baby head starts to revert to a normal, albeit extremely nerdy, adult male head] Sent from my iPhone Dave:[if he can Muster the strength, will bellow and seek to bodily hurl or body bash Mikey after his Demonic patron]

Mikey: You fool! You cannot defeat me, for I am protected by the almighty James Kidd! [Is somewhat surprised to receive an axe in the stomach from Dave, before the party push him towards the crater] No! Not into the volcano - oh nooooo!

Alice: Volcano Ohno? That's one cool name for a volcano!


;;; End of Book X, Act V. Next one starts on WEDNESDAY next week.
;;; We'll be in the US for that one, so will start posting a bit later
;;; than normal

;;; See you lot on the flip side. I will be on vacation until the 19th. Don't worry, Dur will return before you know it! -----Original Message-----

From: Conor Ryan [mailto:conor.r@gmail.com]

Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2017 8:44 AM

To: scott groves

Cc: Heather; Tom Henderson; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; dom; l3@queens-view.com

Subject: [qv] 05.07.036

Mikey: You fool! You cannot defeat me, for I am protected by the almighty James Kidd! [Is somewhat surprised to receive an axe in the stomach from Dave, before the party push him towards the crater] No! Not into the volcano - oh nooooo!

[The party stand at the edge of the crater to watch MIKEY's body disappear into the flames.]

Alice: Volcano Ohno? That's one cool name for a volcano!


;;; End of Book X, Act V. Next one starts on WEDNESDAY next week.
;;; We'll be in the US for that one, so will start posting a bit later ;;; than normal
[Book X, Act VI, Scene I. Coming Down the Volcano. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are leading the vat of surprisingly quiet and non-stinky babies down the side of the volcano, having been able to turn it around at the top.]

Alice: So I guess we're never going to see any of those idiot Kidders again?

Clint: Don't jinx it, Bimbo! Those guys are awfully strange, and just because their lord and master fell into a volcano doesn't mean they won't keep being a pain in the backside, right?

Alice: Sure, but if they're just a nuisance that'll be fine -- it's when they're indestructible baby killing machines with a really mean attitude that I have a problem.

Charlie: Indeed, their being indestructible hardly seems sporting! [To the party] Now, let us hurry before these vats erupt in tears and in other ways, far less odorless and easy to ignore!

Austin: Good idea Sarge, [Looks worriedly at the VAT], This could get rest really bad! Chop chop everyone!

Alice: Ew! Aus! We just saved them, why would we chop them up?

Austin: I meant it in the sense of 'Hurry, hurry'. What is worse than ten rest babies in a Vat?

Alice: One Austin telling more baby vat jokes?

Austin: Hardly! [Shakes his head at Alice's silliness] Why, it is one baby rest in ten vats! baby in ten vats!

Charlie: [Shudders] Quite so, Mr. Sleaze! Let us hope we can deposit these children intact at some orphanage!

Clint: It's either that or we get really good at changing diapers!

Min: [Panting and out of breath] Is it true? Did you save the children?

Min Galls

Clint: Sure did! Why? You want 'em?

Min: Yes! Is my baby there? My baby!

Charlie: Almost certainly! Can you describe the little darling? And provide two forms of identification?

Min: Of course! I'd know Ave anywhere! [Hands over two ID cards]

Alice: [Looks at the cards] A library card for Miguel Sanchez and a driving licence for the King of Burma? [To the party] Looks like she has two forms of ID, right enough.

Austin: [To Min] And what will you do next, once you have your baby ? rest

Min: Proclaim his rescuers as valiant heroes!

Austin: Fair enough, but where will you go? rest

Min: My baby! My baaaaaby! [Runs to the vat to look through the pile of babies] babies]

Charlie: [Hands Min a random baby] Here, will this do?

Min: Do you have a blonde one?

Austin: [Gets two pairs of tongs and overalls on, and removes all of the rest babies from the vat and lines them all up] There we are, any that particularly catch your eye?

Charlie: [Rifles through the vat muttering] Blonde, blonde, blonde [Seizes upon a bald baby and hands it to Min] Er, here, this one will have blonde hair eventually, or your money back, guaranteed!

Min: [Looks up and down at the line, before examining Charlie's one] My baby! My baby! Ave!

Max: Min! Min! Do they have Ave?

Min: They sure do! [Holds up the baby] Now she's male and blonde, but isn't she adorable?

Max: [Wipes a tear from his eye] I sure don't know how we'll ever thank you folks.

Max Galls

Clint: [Nodding meaningfully at the line of babies.] Little tyke's gonna need a brother or sister to keep him company as he grows older, isn't he?

Min: As [emphasis] she grows older! [To Max] What do you think? See the one with one eye and the weird looking leg?

Min: How about the one beside him?

Max: Sure! Maybe it's just her proximity to that horrendous eyesore, but she looks adorable! [To the party] You folks must be exhausted. We have a carriage.

Austin: Which way are you going? rest

Min: To where the birds and the bees live on cigarette trees near the lemonade springs. Where the hens lay soft-boiled eggs and the rain don't fall, and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks. There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too. You can paddle all around them in a big canoe Where you sleep all day, where they hung the jerk that invented work.

Alice: Wow! That sounds great! Where is it?

Min: It's called Queens View.

Min: To where the birds and the bees live on cigarette trees near the

Austin: Hmm, sounds like it has changed a lot. Let's go there [Starts rest loading babies on to the carriage, as if they were some form of fragile, volatile and very smell luggage]

Alice: [Helping with the baby loading, using a more traditional aircraft luggage handler style] Queens View sounds great! I wonder what changed there!

Max: [Sits into the carriage] It's all about their new mayor, I believe. He sounds like a wonderful man. Hashtag MQVGOALTA!

Alice: [Helping with the baby loading, using a more traditional

Austin: Hashtag MQVGOALTA? Totes obnox tag. [Sighs] You can't choose your rest parents I suppose.

Max: Make Queens View Great Or At Least Tolerable Again! your

Charlie: [Cheerily tossing babies to Alice in luggage-loading style. To Max, wisely] What you described is called a slogan. A [finger quotes] hashed tag is a type of disgusting fried breakfast food eaten by lower class people.

Clint: Are you maybe thinking of hash browns?

Charlie: [To Clint, in a low voice] Indeed, but this poor man clearly is not familiar with the vernacular and mistakenly called them hashed tags. [Sadly] I blame the appalling quality of public schools for his ignorance.

Alice: They're certainly not as awful as Flak Pudding -- Phili only knows what's in it!

Max: You folks sure do talk funny, but we are just simple folks, and we're just happy that HARMA are here to help us.


;;; To all you foreigners, black pudding is the most delicious
;;; breakfast food in existence, consisting of all sorts of delightful
;;; ingredients!

Black pudding -- mmmm!

Clint: Is that who we are these days? I thought we were... hell, we need a catchy acronym for our group!


;;; There is - or was - a pizza restaurant in downtown Cork that offered pizza topped with
;;; fried potato and black pudding, because we might as well conform to ethnic stereotypes!
;;; I could never force myself to try it.

Austin: We should consider this carefully, perhaps we should schedule a rest meeting for Charlie to discuss it?


;;;; Ironically? It is one of the few things I miss as a veggie :)

Alice: We're part of HARMA now? You know what, I STILL don't like them!


;;; Heh -- even after 20 years of routinely visiting the US I still find
;;; it weird that people here eat pizza WITHOUT fried potato.
;;; What is wrong with you people??

;;; I couldn't help but notice that it wasn't a proper meal in Cork unless it came with potatoes, preferably in multiple forms.
;;; Lasagna? Serve it with chips. Waffles? Make them from potatoes, and serve with a side of fried potato.
;;; I once pointed out to one of my Irish coworkers that there was this whole famine thing where potatoes were not generally
;;; available and lots of people died, from which I would've thought you lot would have learned something. He explained that
;;; you did learn something: if you don't eat potatoes, lots of people die. Can't argue with that logic!

Dur: You know what? I still don't like US either. So it kinda fits, right?


;;; Back from my "virtual" vacation. That's no lie, I just took a week off to play the newest expansion of my MMO.

Alice: Yeah, most of us are pretty ob!

Max: I think you guys are just great, and we sure will tell everyone we know! right? know!

Charlie: [To Max, beaming] Splendid, but do get the spelling correct, for publicity purposes. [Hands Max a card]


;;; Don't listen to Conor, Kevin! He met his wife playing a game online!

: D


;;; Also, that's the last from me today. Be kind to Charlie, boys!

Dur: [Peeking at the card] If only I could read!


;;; I didn’t even see a response from Conor!?

Austin: Perhaps the Sarge could teach you to read in a library, if you are rest so keen?


;;; Sadly my first thought was "Which MMOs?"

Dur: I said I couldn’t read, not that I wanted to!


;;; FFXIV!

Alice: Be careful Aus -- one day they're learning to read and the next they've got access to movable type and before you know it the servants expect to get a decent wage!

Max: [Takes the card] Ah, I see you haven't got your HARMA ID yet, that's okay, we won't hold it against you. [Gets into the now very full carriage with Min] Lasy from Kevin #45

Clint: Anyway, why would a doctor need to know how to read?

Charlie: Well, a REAL doctor should know how to read, so Dur is probably fine. [Frowns at the carriage] There doesn't appear to be much space for us.

Max: That's right. [Zooms off]

Clint: Hey! Follow that babynapper! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ has been bimbling along behind the group playing with a discarded fidget spinner for the past chapter...] Eh? What babyknapper? Are we having a nap? Can I get a sandwich first?

Alice: No, YOU'RE having a nap, Dave! They just stole our babies!

Charlie: And my business card! I certainly hope they don't pretend to be us! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: THEY STOLE OUR BABIES!! Who did? And we have babies Alice?? I'd have thought I'd remember a thing like that...[waggles his bushy red eyebrows suggestively]

Alice: Ew! Put those things away, Dave! It was [points at the disappearing carriage] those guys! Who would have thought that someone in such a nice bonnet would do something so awful? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: are we giving chase?

Alice: Not really, we're just standing around wasting time. But we SHOULD give chase. Come on, let's get in the carriage! [Looks for the carriage] Ah, I see. We don't actually have a carriage.

Austin: Perhaps we can hail a cab? [Looks around for a cab] What are those rest new cabs called again? "Duber" or something?

Alice: I don't like them, all the drivers are total stoners. I suppose we better just start walking! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: can we yomp. I have heard of yomping. I should like to try it.

Alice: Does it involve any sort of strenuous exercise? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: As I understand it it is a shuffling joggy type run that you do whilst carrying things... I am happy to carry you (winks and waggled eyebrows at Alice again), after all we have all carried Dur and Austin this far eh?

Alice: [Shivers] Let's just walk! [Starts walking in the direction the carriage went] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [aside to Austin] see? I'm starting to get to her!

Dur: Better you than us! [Follows after Alice]

Harriet: Ah! Just in time! Leap aboard and I'll get you to the celebration!

Harriet Moleskin

Austin: [Keen] What's the celebration? [Gets into the carriage] rest

Clint: Is it celebrating the time the Queen's View Party saved the world - again - by any chance?

Austin: Given that Max just stole all of the babies from us, I doubt it. rest

Harriet: [Laughs] I've never heard them called the Queens View Party before, but yes, I suppose you could describe HARMA as that, given that's where their head quarters are! It's the most wonderful thing, HARMA just saved a vat of babies!

Charlie: [Astonished] Another vat of babies saved?! And by HARMA?! [To Harriet] How did they rescue the little dears?

Harriet: Oh, they were ever so brave! They ambushed James Kidd himself as he was about to sacrifice the poor little dears! They saved the babies and defeated Kidd! They even packed the babies extra carefully in the vat!

Harriet: Oh, they were ever so brave! They ambushed James Kidd himself

Austin: [Sighs] This must be what it is like working in academia. [To rest Charlie] I expect you are used to it? Charlie] I expect you are used to it?

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes] Indeed. [Gritting her teeth and shaking a fist at the sky] I will have my vengeance, Dr. Reginald Shawcross-Montcroix! On you, your thieving post-docs, AND the unscrupulous librarian you bribed with gilt-edged lavender scented Parisian bookmarks!

Alice: Oh man! So there were TWO James Kidds?

Harriet: Even if there were, I'm sure HARMA would see to them. Now, leap aboard and I'll bring you to the celebration! I'm hoping some of Joe Nunpar's sweat will fall on me!

Dur: Say, if being sweat on is your thing, I may know just the guy [pointing to Clint]

Harriet: Oh, it's not just any sweat. They say that Joe Nunpar's sweat is so pure that it is like the tears of a virgin!

Alice: I'm sure Clint has made many virgins cry!

Charlie: [To Harriet] So, HARMA is in opposition to the Kidders? [To the party, in a low voice] How can we be on the same side as Joe Nunpar? Perhaps we have not thought this through well enough!

Alice: It looks like everyone was opposed to the Kidders except the Kidders! And maybe everyone is opposed to HARMA except HARMA? [Nods to Harriet] And this lunatic here, of course, no offence.

Harriet: Oh, none taken! [Starts driving the carriage now that all the party are onboard]

Dur: So if Nunpar is opposed to the kidders, who does he support?

Alice: [Shrugs] Idunno.

Clint: Say, whose side should we be on? Other than our own, I mean.

Alice: Whatever side happens to stop Wilhelmina from destroying the world and killing us while doing it!

Charlie: [To Harriet] What is HARMA's stance on Wil--er, Phili?

Harriet: Oh, HARMA believe in good, traditional family values! Clint:I just bet they do! What's their stance on taking credit for someone else's work?

Harriet: I should think that they are very much against such awful behaviour! someone behaviour!

Charlie: [Wryly] All evidence to the contrary! [To Harriet] What will the celebration entail?

Harriet: Lots of HARMA Standard Foodstuffs and HARMA Standard Drinks! There may even be [lowers her voice to a confidential whisper] HARMA approved music and dancing!

Alice: HARMA approved dancing? What's that?

Harriet: Standing three feet apart from your partner with boring music playing. It's quite racy!

Charlie: [Fans herself girlishly] Oh my! [To the party] It sounds divine, but really we should skip this celebration. We do not want Dur to become overly stimulated! divine, become pledge!

Charlie: What pledge is that?


;;; That's my three!

Harriet: [Proudly] The Pledge For Plainness!

Dur: Err.... What does such a pledge entail?

Harriet: Oh, I don't know yet, it hasn't been published, but it's going to be great!

Austin: I think old Numps might need our help with that. rest

Alice: So... we gonna party down and pledge up?
;;; Heather is out today

Charlie: Perhaps it would be wise to get some further information about this pledge first?

Dur: Oh, for the love of Phili, could you for once stop trying to make us study something!

Charlie: Ah! That's an interesting question! I read a fascinating study about how highly motivated certain kinds learners can be when left to their own devices. I would be happy to give you a copy of it!


;;; Kevin, can you believe you joined QV ten years ago
;;; tomorrow??

Dur: [Eyes narrowing] So the simple answer is No, no you will not...


;;; XD I would say it was surprising but I celebrated my Ten years work anniversary back in March. 10 years ago I was a bored receptionist looking for something to take up some of his at work time and I found your game advertisement on the OOTS forums. 10 years later I am still playing this game but I can't remember the last time I read OOTS!

Charlie: [Beaming] I most certainly would be happy! I think of it as my duty to spread knowledge where there is ignorance!

Alice: [To Harriet] How much further? Can you hurry up? She might try to teach us something!

Harriet: Oh no, it wouldn't be the HARMA way to speed!


;;; You just can't get away from QV!
[The party notice a house up the road that has a lot of smoke coming from it.]

;;; Heather's out today

Charlie: I say! That house appears to be on fire!

Harriet: Er, I think it is fine. Let's take the long way around.

[The party notice a house up the road that has a lot of smoke

Austin: It really does not look fine! We should go and help! Do you know rest who lives there?


;;; awa hame

Harriet: Nobody! Come on, let us hasten to the celebration -- we don't want to be last taking the pledge!

Clint: Nah, let's make sure no one dies in the fire. Letting people die in a fire isn't HARMA approved.


;;; pretty much out until Thursday, since I'm oversleeping on our holidays and I've got
;;; a long drive bad JKJK to Houston on Wednesday.

;;; Bank holiday here tomorrow, so back posting on Wednesday!

Harriet: [Slows the carriage down and starts to reverse] Oh no, I think we're fine. Let's go the other way around! die in

Charlie: Fine, then we shall exit here! [Tries to hop out of the carriage before Harriet can get moving]
;;; Tom is away this week

Clint: [Grabs the reins] Woah. Chuck is right, let check this house out.

Austin: Lead the way please Mr Scar. rest


;;;I'll be away on Friday, back in August :)

Clint: Gladly! [Leaps down]

Harriet: I hope you don't expect me to wait for you! I have a pledge to take!


;;; Kevin's out this week

Dur: [To the party] Let her go, there may be food there!


;;; Yeeesh! You people spend your lives on vacation!!!!
take!

Charlie: [To Harriet] We wouldn't dream of it! [Exits the carriage and goes to investigate the fire]


;;; Have good holidays, Kevin and Dom! Safe travels!

Alice: You better wait for us! Stay right there until we get back!

Harriet: Uh.... sure!

Alice: [Haughtily to Charlie] You just need to know how to speak to these people!

[Exit the party towards the house.]
[Book X, Act VI, Scene II. The Burning House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, advancing on the burning house as HARRIET waits for them. Within seconds, HARRIET races off.]

Alice: Gah!

Clint: I did not see that coming! [Dashes recklessly toward the burning house.] C'mon, guys, when was the last time we ran into a burning building? Do it for old time's sake!


;;; Could've been clearer. Am back for the week as of about 10 minutes ago.
stops short of going into the burning building] I'll make sure your exit is safe!
[The party approach only to find DEUCE sitting outside the burning building, drinking some brandy.]

Deuce: Hi guys! stops short of going into the burning building] I'll make sure your exit is safe!

Charlie: [To Austin and Dur] Try to find some water to help put out the fire! [Looks for a way into the building] Hello?! Anyone alive in there??

Deuce: No, no one alive in there. Out here, though!

Clint: [Pulls up.] You're doing, Deuce?

Deuce: [Proudly] Yep! I was trying to attract attention. I woke up this morning and someone had stolen my carriage!

Charlie: [To Deuce] How dreadful! What started this horrible fire?

Clint: Regret and ham drippings?

Deuce: [Munches on some ham] Don't be crazy, but it was dreadful. I couldn't find anything really flammable so I had to use a bottle of brandy to start the fire.

Charlie: [Alarmed, hand on sword] Deuce, you cannot be serious! YOU started this fire?! WHY?

Deuce: How else was I going to get someone's attention way out here in the middle of the sticks?

Charlie: [Disapprovingly, ticking off ways] Making a bonfire not involving an entire structure, communicating via carrier pigeon, walking until you find assistance, or even simply waiting for someone to pass if you were too lazy to try anything else!

Deuce: [Nods slowly] All valid but time and energy consuming methods. I woke up, got a lecture from Harriet about the sins of the flesh and how she was going to round up all her friends so that they could take some idiotic HARMA pledge, and then she raced off. Time was of the essence! Also, I was kind of hungry.

Charlie: Indeed, we met her and heard of this pledge. What do you know of it?


;;; That's my three!

Deuce: Not a whole lot, other than it's related to HARMA.

Dur: So... you were here with Harriet? Weird looking lady with a bonnet?

Deuce: Yep. [Wistfully] Nothing quite like making love to a woman with a bonnet on....

Alice: She was wearing a bonnet while making love?

Deuce: Uh... sure, SHE was!

Clint: I'm sure you look adorable in your bonnet, but you seem to have freaked Harriet out!

Deuce: She was like that when I found her! Whatever you guys did in hell sure made things crazy here -- in fact, all hell's broken loose!

Clint: [Quickly] Nothing! At least, nothing that would cause all this. There, uh, might be a few extra Seths around? There, uh, might be a few extra Seths around?

Charlie: Perhaps we might have had some minor impact, but [to Deuce, scolding] that's no excuse to take advantage of fragile women!

Deuce: [Laughs] Who needs any excuse to take advantage of fragile women?

Alice: [A little too quickly] Not you!

Deuce: Er.. right! [To Clint] Look, buddy, you forget, I'm an expert in Science and Stuff, so I know there's a whole lot more than a few extra Seths around. We've gone from a single god to a full on polytheistic world, with gods in charge of everything from war to losing envelopes with important phone messages written on them.

Dur: That sounds like a lot of trouble!


;;; I'm back baby!

Charlie: How dreadful! [Hopefully] Are they each challenging the current Phili and keeping her quite preoccupied?


;;; Out for the day! Be kind to Charlie, boys!

Deuce: It is a lot of trouble! But they ARE keeping Phili fully occupied, so it looks like turning a bunch of gods loose from hell wasn't entirely crazy.

Dur: Semi-crazy. Sounds like we might be getting better at this whole saving the world thing! What's next?

Deuce: I'm on the way to sign up with HARMA, what about you guys?

Clint: Why would we want to do that? Have they gone non-crazy or something?

Deuce: No, they've gone extra crazy!


;;; Dom is away the next few weeks

Austin: [Studies his beautifully manicured nails] Is there some sort of scheme you have in mind?

Deuce: They seem to be the only ones not caught up in religious frenzy. I'd like to know why. Also, Percy said it was a good idea.

Charlie: [Beams proudly] She is ever so clever!

Clint: [Dubiously.] I guess it can't hurt to spy on them from the inside. I'm just not sure we're much good at undercover work.

Charlie: Nonsense! We'll blend in splendidly! I shall be Major Bland, in charge of preventing information flow to the ordinary people. You can be my administrative assistants! [Looks Clint up and down] Perhaps we should make you a prisoner, instead?

Alice: Maybe a corpse might be better? You know, because of the smell?

Clint: How 'bout just not Charlie's flunky?

Charlie: Indeed, not! No one would believe I would hire such sub-par assistance. [Assesses Clint] Yes, a corpse for medical experiments, I think. Someone who died of a flesh-rotting disease would be the most plausible.


;;; Out for the day again, I'm afraid!

Dur: Or just for a snack! [Stomach growls as he looks at Clint]  

Deuce: Easy buddy, I've got some ham here that you can share. [Frowns] Where's your carriage?

Clint: [Nonchalantly] Dropped it into a volcano.

Dur: How do we get anywhere? [Answering his own question] Luck, mostly...

Deuce: And...? I know you didn't walk!

Clint: Must be all that clean livin' we do!

Austin: We came by carriage.

Deuce: Great! As long as the driver isn't Harriet, we've got a lift!


;;; It was Harriet, of course!

Charlie: Rather awkwardly, it WAS Harriet. [Smacks Deuce on the arm] Oh, WHY must you be so irresistible to desperate, hopeless women?!


;;; Gone for real this time!

Deuce: [Shrugs and gives a sheepish look] Born lucky, I guess! Look, here comes another carriage!

Deuce: Oh.

Edward Bonet

Bonnie Bonet

Charlie: [Waves at Edward and Bonnie] Helllooo?! Would you be able to give us a lift?

Alice: [To Deuce] Please don't tell us that you also defiled her!

Deuce: Not her, no.

Edward: [Smile and finger gun at Deuce] I sure would! Do you folks know your house is on fire?

Dur: We do now! But it happens more than you would imagine actually.

Charlie: Indeed, we really should consider wearing non-flammable clothing at all times! [To Edward and Bonnie] Where are you going, if I may ask?

Bonnie: We're going to take The Pledge!

Charlie: How splendid! We were just discussing how we might find transportation to take the very same The Pledge! Could we join you?

Edward: Of course! [Sexy growl] Any friend of The Juice is a friend of ours!

Dur: [Nibbling on the ham] Who's "the Juice?"

Austin: Is it Deuce?

Edward: Ah! So you've been Juiced too?

Austin: Certainly not! [Looks Deuce up and down] Although one must admit to a certain level of curiosity...

Alice: [Sitting close to Deuce] So anyway! This pledge.... What do you know about it?

Bonnie: It's the Pledge for Plainness! Everyone is talking about it. We're very excited by it. Well, as excited as is reasonable.

Dur: [Clambers into the carriage] Do you know what the pledge requires?

Edward: No, but it's gonna be great!

Bonnie: It'll bring us back to good, old fashioned values. We want to take a stand on all these Fake Gods.

Dur: Errrr, yeah well.... What if all these Fake Gods are here for the greater good and having just one God is going to make life even worse? You know, just out of curiosity...

Bonnie: [Horrified] Blasphemy! Blasphemy! greater good and having just one God is going to make life even worse? You know,

Charlie: [Steps in front of Dur protectively] He was merely speaking philosophically and asking quite reasonable and insightful questions, particularly for Dur! Surely one must ponder these sorts of questions, rather than simply blindly accepting what others tell us to think and believe!

Bonnie: [Considers this for a moment, and then, horrified] Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

Edward: We don't need no stinkin' thinkin'!

Dur: [Nervously eating Ham now] Then you best hurry! The sooner we take the pledge the sooner we can banish these heinous thoughts!

Clint: Forgive his weakness,please. He's just a poor doctor trying to get by in a world which looks down on pants sandwiches.


;;; So apparently I fell asleep on my unfortunately comfy couch last night and never made it to the room where the alarm clock lives.
;;; Darn you, comfy couch!

Alice: So, how do all these, uh, Fake Gods figure into The Pledge?

Bonnie: They don't get to take it, they're fake!

Charlie: And what exactly is the plan for [finger quotes] handling the Fake Gods? Surely it's no small task to destroy them!

Bonnie: Who said anything about destroying them? We're just going to keep denouncing them as fake, so that when we are brought to Phili, she will look upon our souls kindly.

Charlie: Wise to keep your goals modest! [Proudly] And you approve of Phili? Do you find her to be organized and well-read, with nice table manners?

Bonnie: Oh no, she's vengeful and scary!

Edward: Like all gods should be!

Clint: Much like her mother, if you talk trash about her taste in books!

Charlie: [Glares at Clint] Indeed! [To Bonnie and Edward] Could you take us with you?

Bonnie: Of course! As long as [indicates Dur] he doesn't blaspheme!

Edward: [To Deuce] Why don't you sit up here between us?

Deuce: Er, great! [Squeezes into the very constrained space]

Alice: [Squeezing in between Edward and Deuce, barely able to breathe] Good... pant... idea!

Clint: [Hopping into the back.] Maybe you should just sit on Deuce's lap. You know, to save space.

Edward: Good idea! [Scrambles over Alice and sits on Deuce's lap]

Alice: Hey! Nice going, Stinky!

Clint: Not my fault you're slow to recognize the opportunity, Bimbo! Anyway, can we all find a seat or a lap and get this show on the road? This pledge won't take itself! Anyway, can we all find a seat or a lap and get this show on the road? This pledge won't take itself!

Charlie: Indeed, let us rush headlong into an uncertain fate! [Dramatically] To the Pledge!

Dur: Let’s hope it's not our usual disaster!

Austin: How many of these Fake Gods are there?

Deuce: [Moving his head to one side to see past Edward's beard] Hundreds!

Charlie: [To Deuce] Are all of them powerful? Or are some of them imposter fake gods?

Deuce: You mean Fake Fake Gods? Yeah, there's a bunch of them around!

Austin: What about Fake Fake Fake Gods? Real Fake Gods who try to lull people into a false sense of security by making them think that they are Fake Fake Gods. [Thinks] It's what I would do.

Dur: [Already confused] Doesn't that sound needlessly complicated?

Austin: [Chuckles at Dur's naiveté] Of course it does. If it was simple people might understand it!

Charlie: [To Austin, admiring] Why, Mr. Sleaze! You just might have a career in academia after all!

Austin: Certainly not, far too much tweed!

Clint: Besides, there's way too much drunken debauchery at academic conferences for any normal person to handle!

Dur: It's a good thing that none of us are 'normal'.

Deuce: [Still with Edward on his lap] Speak for yourself!

Alice: Look, we're nearly here! [Points the gates of Nostalgia]

Bonnie: It's going to be great! I think there will be HARMA officers waiting to greet us!

Austin: By greet do you mean perform invasive searches?

Bonnie: I believe that's part of their welcome!

Charlie: [To Bonnie] Surely that is violation of personal rights!

Bonnie: Only if you're hiding some allegiance to a fake god!

Clint: Just to make sure, it'd better be only our rights they violate!

Alice: Oh come on, Stinky! It could be beautiful!

Clint: I don't see anything beautiful about a prostate exam! don't want to stand out here. don't want to stand out here.

Charlie: [To Clint, encouragingly] And if you find you enjoy it, you needn't tell us you found it strangely pleasurable! We do not wish to know, I assure you!

Austin: Not unless there's some sort of demon involved, then she wants to hear all about it!

Charlie: [Huffily] In the interest of science, of course!

Dur: As if! What did science ever do for US?

Dave: [Who has been watching all this with a look of silent horror] Forget science! Do these people really think that everyone going into the town will submit to these crazy, invasive searches?

Bonnie: They certainly think that of those claiming to be True Believers!

Charlie: And what happens to those who refuse?

Bonnie: No True Believer would ever refuse!

Clint: One of these days we're going to have to start a cult of our own, guys!

Bonnie: [Slaps Clint on the shoulder] Blasphemer! Unbeliever!

Alice: So if the True Believers get a degrading cavity search on the way into the town, what do Unbelievers get?

Bonnie: Two large tankards of beer and a whole roast chicken.

Dur: [Excitedly] Really?

Bonnie: Isn't it awful? Many of the unbelievers actually think that it's a good thing! Some even take the optional whiskey!

Clint: Is this some kind of last meal for the condemned man sort of thing?

Bonnie: Yes! Because their souls will be condemned for believing in Fake Gods! They will --

Dave: [Leaps off] Condemn me! [To the party] Let's get these chickens!

Charlie: [To the others] It seems a fitting punishment, group! [Follow Dave] To our horrific doom!

Alice: Doooooooom!

Deuce: Hey, guys! Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for -- oh, bugger, I'll just stay here and eat some ham. [Takes out a huge leg of ham before addressing Bonnie] How're you doin'?


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VI, Scene III. The Gates Of Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, racing away from EDWARD's carriage. At the gate is a huge barrier policed by a dozen stern looking HARMA officers who are loaded down with papers, rubber gloves and disturbingly large vats of lube. Alongside them is a sign that reads "Test For True Believers". The party stop dead in their tracks.]

Alice: Oh man! How do we get past this?

Austin: [Straightens a cuff] You'll notice, of course, that the town is not completely enclosed within walls, so that this barrier does not bar our entry in any way. In fact, we can simply walk around it and into the town.

[This is true, there is a huge gap that the party can simply walk through. Alongside it is a brightly coloured tent, outside of which stands a cheery looking girl with a tray full of huge tankards of delicious looking beer. This is HEVA EISSEN, who spots the party.]

Heva: Freshen your drinks, guv'nors?

Heva Eissen

Dur: [Mouth watering] This feels like a test....

Dave: It is a test! I'll take two, wench! [Grabs two beers and knocks them back, before giving an enormous burp] Pass with flying colours!

Charlie: [Takes a tankard awkwardly and sips at it daintily] Oh, my! I feel quite in touch with the working people now!

Charlie: [Takes a tankard awkwardly and sips at it daintily] Oh, my! I

Alice: [Knocks a whole beer, spilling most of it on herself] Delish!

Dur: Well, when you can’t beat them… Drink beer and forget all about it! [Grabs his own]

Clint: Right on, doc! [Grabs his own beers and starts guzzling away.] [Grabs his own]

Charlie: [To Heva, conversationally] One assumes you are not a True Believer?

Heva: Only in sanity and balance, so, not in stupid pledges!

Charlie: [Nods] And how is that working out for you? Any persecution?

Clint: If persecution means she gets to provide us with free beer, I'm all for it!

Heva: Not much so far... the True Believers are too busy fighting with the Fake God Believers, and the Fake God Believers are too busy fighting with each other to hassle any one who isn't involved.

Dave: Where's this chicken I've heard so much about?

Heva: [Juts a thumb toward the tent] Inside.

Austin: What about the Fake Fake God Believers? Who are they fighting with?

Heva: Everyone except us! with?

Charlie: Well, it all seems fairly civil, for a religious feud. You appear to be free to practice your heathenry without fear of threat to liberty or person! [To the party] Perhaps we did a wonderful thing for peace in the realm!

Alice: I know! Free beer and no one trying to kill us? This place is great!

Ivan: It sure is!

Ivan Marsters


;;; Each of Charlie, Austin, Dur, Clint and Alice have met Ivan, who's Hierophantic Knight.
;;;
;;; They got on quite well with him, although he seems even wilder and crazier than
;;; most other Knights. This is the first time they've encountered a Knight in this
;;; world, and the first indication that any of them even still exist. great!

Charlie: Hello, Mr. Marsters! [Hesitantly] Although, I don't suppose you remember US, do you?

Ivan: Come on in, Charlie, we've got a lot to talk about. [Looks at the others with a smirk] Don't worry, there are lots of hair and skin care products, but no one will be forced to wash.

Alice: He DOES remember us! He does!

Dur: Well THAT'S a relief. The not washing part, that is.


;;; Sorry was out Friday not feeling great.

Alice: [To Ivan] How do you know us?

Ivan: I read about you in the tell all book, "The Queens View Party -- The Truth!". Pretty interesting stuff. [Looks Dur up and down] Donkeys, eh? I guess it takes all sorts.

Dur: [Defensively] We all do what we can to put ourselves through Med-School!

Ivan: But not all of us enjoy it so much!

Dur: You never know until you try! Right, Alice?


;;; that’s my 3

Charlie: [To Ivan] May we see your copy, so that we may, er, sign it?


;;; Glad to have you back in full health, Kevin!
;;; Out for the day! : (

Alice: [Shrugs] Sure, I'm game for anything. As long as it's in the name of science and stuff.

Ivan: Sure, but my old gran has it at the moment. She loves stories about doctors and donkeys.

Austin: [Sniffs haughtily as he straightens a cuff] I don't believe there is any such publication and that this is entirely false.

Ivan: Not entirely, my gran does love stories about doctors and donkeys!

Clint: Who doesn't love stories about doctors and donkeys?

Alice: [Glares at Dur] I could do without hearing any more!

Charlie: [Excited] So you know about Dur's donkey fetish from personal experience, rather than because you read it in a book?

Ivan: Neither, he just has the look of a donkey fancier about him.

Dur: [Defensively] Hey, we all have fetishes!

Austin: Of course we do, Dur, but donkeys? Really? How very.... common.

Alice: So, are you from this world, Ivan? Are the more Knights?

Ivan: Nope, I'm a blow-in, just like you guys. I'm the same Ivan that you knew and loved in your world. And yeah, there are more Knights. There are always Knights.

Charlie: How interesting! What can you tell us about this world? It seems there are many gods, false gods and fake false gods?

Ivan: They prefer to be called Fake Gods. [Shrugs] Theological correctness gone mad, really, but yes, there are loads of them. Created by some bunch of hooligans who went into hell and freed a bunch of devils, past gods, minor demons, semi-demons, demi-semi-demons, hemi-demi-semi-demons, semi-hemi-demi-semi-demons and assholes.

Alice: Yikes! Who's the worst?

Ivan: The devils are the most powerful but the assholes are the most annoying.

Dur: Sheesh! Who would do such a terrible thing!? [Looks around the group for some kind of answer.] Oh... right....

Ivan: It does seem to have stopped Wilhelmina from destroying yet another world, though. [Gives Charlie a smile] Bit of a chip off the old block, eh?

Charlie: [To Ivan, proudly] Well, Pestilence and I do encourage our children to set ambitious goals [quickly] though we strongly discourage global annihilation in our household, of course!

Alice: Not strongly enough!

Clint: What's the deal with this version of HARMA? This [gestures to encompass the area] seems unusually tolerant of them!

Ivan: It's not so much tolerance, rather they've got their hands so full, The Unbelievers are fairly low on their list of priorities. HARMA seem to think that their real enemies are the Fake Gods, and that the Unbelievers are too disorganised to be of any real threat.

Clint: [Eagerly] Can we prove them wrong?

Ivan: Possibly.

Ivan: But then again... possibly not.

Charlie: [To Ivan] Do you know where to find Wilhelmina? We should like to meet with her!

Ivan: No idea -- the best way seems to be to start blindly following one of the Fake Gods.

Clint: And once we meet up with the maladjusted little tyke, your plan is to... to...

Charlie: Reason with her, of course. We raised her to be rational and logical!

Clint: [Dubiously] I dunno, Sarge. Seems to me she's rationally and logically decided that she'd quite like to see the color of our insides.

Ivan: Sounds rational to me.

Alice: So what do we do? Find some Fake God to follow?

Charlie: [To Ivan] Have you any research we can consult to make an informed decision on the subject?

Dur: Sheesh Charlie! You’ll do just about anything to take a look at another man’s ‘research’ won’t you!?

Ivan: [Setting up a few lines of parmesan for the party to snort] I'm not really a research kinda Knight, but my advice is not to go pick a Fake God solely on the size of their flock, rather it's what they do with it that counts.

Charlie: [Muses] No, I think I should prefer a great, big flock! One that can barely be contained and is throbbing with ecstatic fervor!

Alice: You need to be careful of that sort of flock. If you go too far, it'll burst out of control and you'll be left with nothing!

Dur: So we are looking for a flock that is smaller and more easily manipulated?

Austin: I believe they are often more eager to please.

Clint: I guess we're picking the Fake God of double entendres for this!

Alice: And where would we find this small penised Fake God of double entendres?

Ivan: At Godspark.

Clint: Then that's where we're going! C'mon, guys, finish your beer and chicken and let's go mock a Fake God for having a tiny cock.

Alice: Godspark?

Ivan: No one could agree on whether it should be Gods Park, God's Park or Gods' Park, so this seemed like the only way to avoid a Holy War. On that issue.

Charlie: [Assuming lecturing stance] Oh, but it is quite simple! If the park commemorates and/or belongs to more than one god, it should be Gods' Park. If it is only one god, then it should be God's Park. [Wrinkles her nose in disapproval] Gods Park would never be correct, and frankly Godspark is quite an upsetting alternative, as it leaves one utterly in doubt of the meaning.

Ivan: Sounds like we have one potential follower for the Fake God Of Punctuation, or possibly the Fake Fake God Of Punctuation's.

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes and hisses] Never! I could never support the misuse of an apostrophe, even as part of a cover story to help save the world!

Dur: Grammar won’t matter at the end of the world!

Charlie: [Passionately] Grammar always matters, especially at the end of the world! Remember how we struggled to make sense of the prophecy? Wouldn't better punctuation and clearer word choice have made our interpretation much easier?!

Alice: Maybe a different language might have made it easier!

Austin: Charlie is quite wrong. The flagrant abuse of language, grammar and punctuation is, quite frankly, essential to those skilled in the art of precise language. Where would lawyers be without the ability to confuse and frighten the proletariat?

Alice: Out of a job?

Austin: Precisely!

Clint: Say, is there a Fake God of pointless bickering? I feel like he'd be right up our alley! to stick to Punctuation's.

Clint: Sound's like we dont have a better plan Sarge!

Alice: Right! Let's us goe's worship's the God's' of's Punctuation's!


;;; End of scene. Next one in TWO WEEKS,
;;; That's August 14th!
Hi folks, We're baaaaack! Here's a quick reminder of what's going

on: The party's world was destroyed by Wilhelmina using "Reveals", in which large chunks of the world disappeared until there was nothing left. The party discovered that what actually happened was that their world was being transported to another dimension, so that there were now two of many people in this new dimension. When the party travelled to the new dimension, they discovered that they apparently never existed, almost certainly due to an accident caused by them which killed off their fathers in this dimension. The accident, the party believe, was almost certainly caused by Boddy. In this dimension the party hooked up with Dave, who accompanied them to hell. This journey was undertaken by Percy, Charlie's younger daughter, who initially kept her identity secret from the party (Charlie was not with them at the time), claiming to be a girl called Anna Racks. Percy appears to on the side of good (or at least seems to want to stop Wilhelmina from killing everyone), although seems to have Pestilence's (her father) cavalier attitude to life in general. She persuaded the party that freeing all the previous gods and devils from hell would create enough common enemies in the Realms that Will would have her hands too full to wreak the sort of havoc that everyone fears. Since arriving, the party have met with several NPCs who, although they knew them in the previous dimension, have no knowledge of them in this one. The exception to this is Ivan Marsters, a Hierophantic Knight, who advised them that the best way to find Wilhelmina was to start blindly following one of the "Fake Gods" who have appeared since the party opened up

hell:

"Ivan: They prefer to be called Fake Gods. [Shrugs] Theological correctness gone mad, really, but yes, there are loads of them. Created by some bunch of hooligans who went into hell and freed a bunch of devils, past gods, minor demons, semi-demons, demi-semi-demons, hemi-demi-semi-demons, semi-hemi-demi-semi-demons and assholes." The party clashed with one of these Fake Gods, an ex-Seth called James Kidd, who's followers dress as babies. In the time honoured fashion of Queens View, he and his followers attempted to throw a vat of babies into a volcano, but were stopped by the party who killed James in the process. Unfortunately, somehow it appears as though HARMA have been given all the credit for this, as the party almost immediately had the babies taken from them by some of their followers. HARMA are powerful in this dimension, and are followed by the "True Believers", of whom the party have met several, although it isn't clear who or what they believe in, just that they are about to take The Pledge For Plainness, an as yet undefined pledge, but which clearly involves something annoying related to Joe Nunpar and HARMA. The party are heading to "Godspark", a park where the various Fake Gods (apparently those who have come back from hell) and Fake Fake Gods (those pretending to have come back from hell) gather to try and convince the people of the Realms to follow them, although it isn't clear if they have any power. The party haven't yet been to Queens View in this dimension -- they are in Nostalgia, to the east of Queens View -- but have heard from some of the True Believers that it is still the HQ of Joe Nunpar and also that it's "...where the birds and the bees live on cigarette trees near the lemonade springs. Where the hens lay soft-boiled eggs and the rain don't fall, and the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks. There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too. You can paddle all around them in a big canoe Where you sleep all day, where they hung the jerk that invented work." The general consensus amongst the party is that it is unlikely Queens View changed this much. The next scene will start with the party on the way to Godspark. Enjoy! Conor

Alice: How are we going to know which one is God of Punctuations?

[Smack. CLINT drives the wheelbarrow straight into the back of ALICE.]

Alice: Ow! Hey! I always knew religion was dangerous!

as a form of prayer. [Looks around to see if Amelia is about] exercises, as a form of prayer. [Looks around to see if Amelia is about]

Charlie: [Scanning for signs of punctuation being abused] I suspect we will know when my hair stands on end!

Charlie: [Scanning for signs of punctuation being abused] I suspect we will

Austin: Are you some form of closet priest for their fake god? rest

Alice: You'd imagine a religious free for all between competing Fake Gods would be a bit better organised than this, there must be hundreds of them here!


;;; The Amelia that Austin is looking for is
;;;
;;; http://www.queens-view.com/content/cast?query=Dr.%20Amelia%20Sawtell-Wallis
;;;
;;; In the party's dimension she was HARMA's Chief Advisor on History and Stuff, as well
;;; as Austin's some-time girlfriend
[A sleazy looking priest sidles over to the party, this is FATHER TREAT FORTUNE.]

Treat: 'sup. You guys looking for some F? I got it, know what I mean?

Fr. Treat Fortune

Treat: [Looks from side to side to make sure no one's listening in]

Dur: And you're calling them "F"? looking for same Fake Gods? I got whatever you need, my friends.

Charlie: [Excited] Ohh, how mysterious! [Whispers] Have you anything in the line of [lower whisper] punctuation?


;;; That's it for me today! Be kind to poor Charlie and try to
;;; shield her from misplaced apostrophes!

Treat: [Does a quick but weird dodging movement as he addresses Dur] Sure do, my friend. It makes it more.... mysterious! [To Charlie] Sure do! I got a Fake God Of Punctuation and a Fake Fake God Of Punctuation's. I also have a False Fake God of Comas. [Shrugs] A coma is a kind of punctuation, right?


;;; I think you mean apostrophe's!!

Clint: Well, it means a long pause, so I don't see why not... Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [sitting bolt upright, with wild wide awake eyes] What??? You have smoked herring and the woman of my dreams?

Dur: Wow, these fake god's get really specific in their realm's of responsibility dont t'hey?

Treat: Hey, everyone's got to find their niche, you know! [To Dave] I don't know, buddy, it depends on who she is.

Clint: C'mon, you've got to have a Fake God of the woman of a man's dreams around here somewhere.

Dave: HAR! I'm not fussy! Low standards, great sense of humour and no sense of smell would be a good start though!

Treat: Huh, sounds a bit like Doris -- sorry about that, bud, wouldn't have poked her with that stick if I had known someone else could tolerate all those warts! [To Clint] Sure do, my friend, got a bunch of them, but there's a long wait for them! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR! Maybe we should get on to this fake fake God malarkey? It sounds very much something that we would excel at!

Alice: [To Treat] Where's the Fake God of Punctuations?

Treat: Now, what are you going to give me in return for that sort of information?

Clint: Let's talk it over? [Gathers the party into a huddle.] Maybe a religious experience sacred to the Fake God of not getting kicked inna fork?

Alice: I don't know what the fork you're talking about, Stinky! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ grinning evilly] I know.

Austin: Whilst some people find that sort of thing, erm, pleasurable, how rest do you know if he will?

Alice: Maybe it's a threat? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: have you ever thought there is only one little 'h' that turns a threat into a treat?

Alice: [Thinks hard for a moment, before giving Dave a long, deliberate look] No.

Dur: If he doesn’t, we can simply trade him the promise not to do it again for the information we need.

Alice: Sounds like a plan. Dur, you're probably responsible for more deaths than any of the rest of us, maybe you should do it?

Dur: Why thank you Alice, I'd love to! [Thinks about it] Hey, wait a second! That doesn't sound like a compliment at all! second! That doesn't sound like a compliment at all!

Charlie: [To Dur] Oh, but remember how we told you it was safer to just assume the opposite of whatever Alice says aloud? If you think of it THAT way, it is a tremendous compliment!

Alice: Hey! It wasn't meant to be a compliment at all!


;;; Double negative = positive!!

Charlie: Precisely! [To Dur, beaming] Now, don't you feel much better?


;;; I'm afraid!

Clint: Now, would he prefer not being kicked by me or not being kicked by Dur? Maybe we should give him a choice, just to make it extra special?

Austin: But what if he doesn't not want to choose either? [Thinks] He'll rest probably choose Mr T-rag.

Alice: We could do him a special package whereby none of us kick him!

Clint: Sorted! [Unhuddles and turns around to give Treat the good news.] Tell me, friend, how do you feel about the Fake God of not getting kicked in the testicles?

Treat: He's fairly popular, and understandably so. How about I arrange an introduction? What've you got to offer? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I could also not kick anyone in the testicles.

Clint: Can we offer you a religious experience sacred to that popular god? [Solemnly.] *None* of us will kick you in the testicles, not even the doctor or the lawyer! Although actually we're interested in meeting [with considerable distaste] the god of properly placed apostrophe's instead.

Treat: [Shrugs] Sure, but I've already got that now. What else've you got?

Treat: [Shrugs] Sure, but I've already got that now. What else've you got?

Austin: The Fake god of changing your mind? rest Sent from my iPhone On 16 Aug 2017, at 12:16, dom >

wrote:

Treat: [Shrugs] Sure, but I've already got that now. What else've you got?

Austin: The Fake god of changing your mind? rest

Dave: hmmm... be easier if we knew what you wanted? What do you want right now? Sent from my iPhone On 16 Aug 2017, at 12:42, scott groves >

wrote: Sent from my iPhone On 16 Aug 2017, at 12:16, dom >

wrote:

Treat: [Shrugs] Sure, but I've already got that now. What else've you got?

Austin: The Fake god of changing your mind? rest

Dave: hmmm... be easier if we knew what you wanted? What do you want right now?

Dave: as a totally fake fake god of scale replica furniture I could offer you this exquisite faux 1/72nd copy of a Queen Shezeboab lounger?

Dave: as a totally fake fake god of scale replica furniture I could offer

Austin: [Takes a close look at the miniature] Remarkable! rest


;;; busy this afternoon

Treat: It is remarkable! I like it! [Pockets it] Got any more?

Alice: What are you going to give me in return for that sort of information? information?

Charlie: [To the party] Clearly this man has no information to provide us and merely means to manipulate us into giving him items of value! Let us make our own way at once. [Confidently strides toward the western side of the park]

Treat: No! [Hands over the furniture] Here! What else do you want?

Dave: directions to the fake God of punchchewactions. Sent from my iPhone On 16 Aug 2017, at 13:35, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Charlie: [To the party] Clearly this man has no information to provide us and merely means to manipulate us into giving him items of value! Let us make our own way at once. [Confidently strides toward the western side of the park]

Treat: No! [Hands over the furniture] Here! What else do you want?

Dur: And a sandwich!

Treat: Aw, man! You guys drive a hard bargain. The Fake God of Punctuation is at the north end, [points] right that way, near the tree that looks like a big W. [Hands over a disgusting looking squashed sandwich to Dur] Look after it -- he likes to sleep in the fridge at night.

Clint: How does he feel about sleeping in pants?

Treat: [A little tearful] It depends on how long they've been in the freezer...

Alice: Oh my god. I think we've found the only person on earth more pathetic than Dur!

Dur: [The sandwich is already gone and Dur's face is littered with crumbs] Thankfully he'll never have to worry about it again! [Burps]

Clint: Maybe we should look for the Fake God of pantswiches. He's bound to be lonely and eager to talk to a true worshipper!

Alice: We want some Fake God who isn't completely over subscribed, not some loser who's only follower is Dur! I mean, can you imagine what sort of saddo that would be?

Treat: Daaaaaaagwoooooood!

Alice: Okay, maybe a better question is, would a loser such as that attract the attention of Wilhelmina? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [musing as he turns over another miniature item of replica quality furniture] perhaps I really am a fake fake god. ... [glances furtively at Austin... points surreptitiously and mutters "SMITE" somewhat hopefully]

Dave: [musing as he turns over another miniature item of replica quality

Austin: [Dodging the glance and point] Hey! Stop that, I could get hurt! rest [Pauses] In fact I am a little hurt. Why would you wish me ill?

Alice: Oh for fake god's sake! He's a Fake God, that's what they do! Stop being such a baby and let's go do some fake worshipping to a fake god.

Charlie: [Excited] Oooh, I should like to be a Fake God, myself! [Dreamily] I would be the God of Efficient Organizational Methods! [Points to Alice] Bzzzt! Pull yourself together, minion! Sent from my iPhone Dave:HAR!! I am very happy that we can have such jovial and fraternal banter! [aims a hearty, boisterous,Viking brotherly-which is too say brutal- friendly man slap at Austin's shoulder]

Alice: [Sulkily] I don't want to be a minion! I always saw myself as virgin-being-sacrificed by scary-but-attractive-god!

[The party make their way through throngs of people, each being addressed by gods of varying lameness, until they eventually reach SPIKE TADTLER, FAKE GOD OF PUNCTUATION'S.]

Spike: [Mumbling lowly] And lo, let it be known from this time hence, that no writing on a chalkboard outside a restaurant shall be considered correct unless it contains at least three apostrophes!

Spike Tatdler, Fake God of Punctuation's

Austin: [Listens to Spike] I feel quite sick. [To Dave] What did you do to rest me! [Slaps Dave across the cheek, with a graceful but swift slap]

Austin: [Listens to Spike] I feel quite sick. [To Dave] What did you do to me! [Slaps Dave across the cheek, with a graceful but swift slap] rest

Dur: More importantly, whats an apostrophe?  Sent from my iPhone On 17 Aug 2017, at 14:18, dom >

wrote:

Alice: [Sulkily] I don't want to be a minion! I always saw myself as virgin-being-sacrificed by scary-but-attractive-god!

[The party make their way through throngs of people, each being addressed by gods of varying lameness, until they eventually reach SPIKE TADTLER, FAKE GOD OF PUNCTUATION'S.]

Spike: [Mumbling lowly] And lo, let it be known from this time hence, that no writing on a chalkboard outside a restaurant shall be considered correct unless it contains at least three apostrophes!

Austin: [Listens to Spike] I feel quite sick. [To Dave] What did you do to me! [Slaps Dave across the cheek, with a graceful but swift slap] rest

Dave: [chortles gleefully and attempts to playfully grapple and bear hug his new bestie- Austin] Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I don't know, what's a postrofie?

Alice: [As Dave and Austin roll around on the ground] Stop this horseplay at once! There'll be plenty of time for your homo-erotic horseplay later!

Spike: [Turning to Dave] Good question! What is an apostrophe other than a tool to control the communication of the masses? And yes, that's masses with an apostrophe! [Waves to the party] Come up here, my friends!

Charlie: [Looks at Alice, astonished] It worked! How thrilling! [To Spike] Bzzt! Do stop abusing apostrophes at once!

Spike: [Taken aback] Uh, what?

Alice: Charlie! What the hell kind of minion are you?

Charlie: [Quickly] Oh, I mean [affects a zombie-like tone] do tell us more about how to punctuate signs, Your Holiness!

Spike: [Relieved] And then, the ones that look like they're kind of droopy, they can be left out, because it's up to us when we breathe! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: It is? Oh [ becomes visibly anxious as he seeks to adopt manual and conscious control over his breathing, which is far harder and more demanding than you might expect].

Clint: [Earnestly.] Tell us, oh mighty... uh... punctuator. Are we to use apostrophe's where they are grammatically [air apostrophes] conventional [/air apostrophes] as well, or are we to free ourselve's from the shackles of conformity?

Spike: Uh, I'm actually not sure when they are grammatically correct, but, you know, this is about freedom and not convention, so you know, whenever suits.

Alice: [To the party] Hey, isn't that Panse? [Points to a shady looking character outside the fence of the park, behind Spike]


;;; Panse was Wilhelmina's boyfriend back in their own dimension

Panse Rayder

Charlie: [Shudders] He certainly gives me a familiar feeling of horror, so it must be! Let us see if he can lead us to Will!

Alice: What's he doing?

Austin: [Struggling away from Dave] Get your hands of me! If you try that rest again I'll have you arrested and charged with sexual assault! [Straightens his jacket. To Charlie] It certainly looks like him, probably just a duplicate.

Alice: Maybe, but Ivan wasn't a duplicate, so perhaps he's not either?

Dur: [Nervously] Should we be more concerned about the backpack he dropped?

Alice: Oh for Fake Gods' sakes! Will you stop worrying about sandwich discovery for just one minute? dropped?

Charlie: [To Alice] No, I quite agree with Dur! We must investigate this backpack! [Hurries to check the backpack]

Spike: Hey! I'm preachin' here!

Alice: Is it really worth going all the way around? It's probably just some spoons!

Clint: It's probably just a bunch of bananas, but what if it's some kind of weapon? I agree with Dave. [Goes to lend Dave a hand in heroically sending Dur to investigate the probable bomb.]

Alice: Don't just throw Dur onto the banana bomb!


;;; End of scene, next one starts on THURSDAY
;;;
;;; We're back in Ireland now, so back to normal posting time
[Book X, Act VI, Scene V. Godspark after the explosion. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, all slowly recovering. All around are people who look similarly groggy but uninjured.]

Alice: What just happened? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [giggling and chuckling- glances at CLINT and shakes his head mirthfully] HAR HAR smells like Clint? HAR HAR mirthfully] HAR HAR smells like Clint? HAR HAR

Charlie: [To Dave, excited] Did you see the dwarf as well?! The one who made an unkind but no doubt accurate comment about Mr. Scar's body odor?! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Yes It was very funny. GIMLI really laid it on our friend here! It was like ZING!!!

Alice: What dwarf? What did he say? I want to know the funny and unkind things he said about Stinky! Sent from my iPhone On 24 Aug 2017, at 09:31, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Dave: Yes It was very funny. GIMLI really laid it on our friend here! It was like ZING!!!

Alice: What dwarf? What did he say? I want to know the funny and unkind things he said about Stinky!

Dave: Ah you had to be in the dream... but [slyly] it was prophetic.

Alice: Wait a minute -- you and Charlie both had the same dream? What was it?

Austin: [Checking his hair] A dwarf, a smell and a manhole, no doubt? rest Sent from my iPhone

Dave: There was a Dwarf, and a hole. The hole smelt very bad. The Dwarf felt that Clint smelt worse...I think we had to go into the hole. [pauses.. looks furtive] and the universe spoke to YOU Alice, it said "you will recognise that Dave is a very fine and handsome man- and that the future depends on you and he making babies. A lot. Soon"...

Alice: [Shudders] A dark future indeed, Dave! I also had a vision -- but there wasn't any dwarf. We were all there, along with a rather dashing adventurer type, standing over a sort of manhole cover.

Charlie: Mine was similar to Dave's, without the dubious bit about the need to reproduce with him!

Austin: Well, mine was all dubious. rest Sent from my iPhone On 24 Aug 2017, at 13:37, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: Mine was similar to Dave's, without the dubious bit about the need to reproduce with him!

Austin: Well, mine was all dubious. rest

Dave: well we should probably trust in the cosmos to ensure that this Dwarf hole dubious prophesy, and Alice realising who her baby daddy should be, all come to pass. So who else is up for getting a drink and a sandwich?

Dur: [Sits up groaning as if rising from the dead] Did someone say sandwich?

Alice: Scary dwarf talking about Dave sex or handsome heroic type? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I did say sandwich! And drink! And Dave IS handsome and heroic! One eyed Gerti the fish scarer often remarked upon my courage and manly bearing!

Clint: [Sits up groggily.] What hit us? And why did it make me hallucinate us and some pretty-boy type around a manhole cover? hallucinate us and some pretty-boy type around a manhole cover?

Charlie: So, we all saw the cover, but some saw a dwarf and others a handsome man? How peculiar!

Dur: Unless some of our members define tall and handsome as short and scary?

Alice: Ew! [To Charlie] That's right, me and Clint saw a handsome and dashing hero, while you lot some some little man who made unkind remarks about Stinky. I think we all saw that we were standing around a manhole cover of some sort, right?

Alice: Hey! Where's the False God of Punctuations? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [gently poking at Charlie's heart area] he will always be.. right..there

Clint: [In response to Alice] Vaporized? Or down a manhole? hallucinations, and entirely meaningless?

Clint: Meaningless, but shared? Doesn't seem likely, does it?

Alice: Highly! I wonder if anyone else had the same hallucination.

Charlie: [Approaches the nearest non-party member] Hello, there! Did you by any chance just experience a strange hallucination? If so, could you describe it in detail? [Whips out a notepad and waits eagerly]

Joan: [Sobbing uncontrollably] Fire! Trapped! Pain! So much pain! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will glance around to ensure that there is no present fire, trapping or pain going on- if satisfied this is not so..] Ho woman! Did you dream these things just now? Was there a Dwarf involved? Or landmarks?

Austin: It does not sound like our hallucinations. [To Joan] Do you rest require assistance?

Joan: I don't know! I just had a vision of my own death -- my house was on fire! I didn't see any dwarves, but you know what these little men are like! require

Charlie: [To Joan, uncertainly] Very inclined to be annoyed by books placed on high shelves? Unavailable today fyi!

From: Heather [mailto:heather.goggans@gmail.com]

Sent: Friday, August 25, 2017 8:29 AM

To: Conor Ryan

Cc: dom; scott groves; Tom Henderson; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; l3@queens-view.com

Subject: [qv] 06.05.022

Charlie: [To Joan, uncertainly] Very inclined to be annoyed by books placed on high shelves?

Joan: Uh, sure, but I was talking about how often they set things on fire. You know the saying "The devil makes fire with little hands", don't you? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [nods agreeably].. well dear distressed lady, there is only one recourse. You must never go home! Then this horrible thing can never come to pass.

Joan: Uh, I suppose that makes sense... but all my stuff is there!

Joan: Uh, I suppose that makes sense... but all my stuff is there!

Austin: Get some one else to go and fetch it for you? rest Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Humph, yes it is, waiting to BURN YOU ALIVE !!!!!

Joan: [Looks terrified at Dave's scary words] Do you think so? [Hands Austin a bunch of keys] Can you get it for me? And don't forget Auntie Mame's jewel collection that's hidden under the third stair!

Clint: Maybe you should hold onto that for now. Did your vision give you any idea of when the nasty dwarf would set fire to your house? Clint] Don't mind him, he procrastinates so much he never gets anything done. [Chuckles] He has been planning on having a bath for over two years! [Whispers to Joan] You can probably smell that!

Joan: [Cowers back from Clint] He is quite rank -- please make sure you don't let him into the house, although, if it is going to burn down, it mightn't be a problem. Just don't let him too near the cakes when you collect them.

Dur: [Licks his lips] We'll protect them with our lives! Quoting dom

:


;;; Don't worry, I'll get a bath this weekend! =)
On 25 August 2017 at 17:58, Tom Henderson

wrote:


;;; Harvey will see to that!
Quoting Conor Ryan

:


;;; For the record, I'm currently safe and not yet flooded, so am coming through this as
;;; well as can be expected. Obviously I'd like to skip town but that's not really possible.
;;; I'll keep you posted.

;;; Thanks, Tom! Glad to hear from you!
;;; I've been keeping an eye on conditions in
;;; the Rice area, but is that where you're living, as well? On Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 1:02 AM, Tom Henderson

wrote: Quoting Heather

:


;;; Couple of km northeast of campus, but near enough, yeah.
;;; I've been really lucky. This is my second hurricane and in two hurricanes and two
;;; other major floods, my net damage is loss of 36 hours of power or so.
;;; As I see "two hurricanes and two other major floods" I begin to reconsider living in Houston!

Joan: He does smell rather like a bad sewer. [Sniffles back the tears] Thank you so much for saving my life! [Shakes her head at Clint] I didn't see any dwarves.

Charlie: [To the others in a low voice] A vision of one's death? That sounds rather familiar, doesn't it? I wonder why we had no such visions?

Alice: But we DID have visions! Maybe we're never going to die? Yay! We're gonna be rich!

Austin: [To Alice] Alice, dearest, you are already incredibly rich. rest

Alice: No, I *was* incredibly rich. Then we were transported to this world where no one even knows who Daddy is and where I certainly don't have access to the Golden Turnip, so I'm poor! Why, I'm almost as poor as someone who has to interact directly with the people who work for them!

Dur: [Sarcastically] What a tragedy.

Alice: I know, right?

Joan: But, er, about my being killed...

Alice: Hey! We're talking about my plight now, you know? Yeesh, some people are just so self centred!

Charlie: [To Joan, dismissively] Right, right! Chin up, it was only a dream! [To the others] Let us interview others, to see if they dreamed of deaths or dwarves!

Alice: Hey look! There's Deucie! He can probably tell us something about it. He's ever so clever!

Deuce: Hey guys, what's going on? I just turned up and --

[Enter STEVIE P., a daytime stripper who once gave the party a brief lecture on her Masters' thesis about the various types of charcoal.]

Stevie: God DAMN it, Deuce! [Punches him hard in the face and knocks him down, before spotting the party] Oh, hi guys. How are you doing?

Stevie P. incredibly poor she is. How are you? [Glances at Deuce]

Deuce: [Lying on the ground] To tell the truth, I've been better. That's the third time I've been punched since I came into the park!

Austin: [Offers Deuce a hand up] What did you do to offend everyone? rest

Dur: Do we really have to time to list all the offensive things Deuce does? does?

Charlie: [To Dur, quickly] Indeed, we do not! [To Deuce] By any chance, did you just have a vision of your own death? Or perhaps a dwarf that disparaged Mr. Scar's odor?

Deuce: [To Austin] Nothing! I've never offended anyone in my life!

Alice: What about setting Harriet's house on fire?

Deuce: That was more inconvenient than offensive! But no, I didn't have any visions -- I just got here. Everyone in this part of the park seems to have had some sort of weird vision, though, and some of them are angry at me because of them!

Stevie: Damn right I am!

Dur: [To Stevie] Ok, well what did he do in the vision that offended you?

Stevie: He stole from me!

Deuce: [Offended] Hey! [To the party] Does that sound like something I would do?

Deuce: Wow, you guys wound me!

Alice: Deuce, you just stole my bra!

Deuce: [Fishes Alice's bra out of his pocket] I never saw this before in my life!

Alice: Sure, Deuce, sure. I mean, it's not like I'd have secreted it on you in the hope that you'd come looking for me to return it, is it? I mean, [laughs nervously] I'd have to be pretty desperate to do that! And hey, I'm not the one on trial here!

Clint: Riiiiight. So, Chuck, maybe you should go interview everyone and make an organized list of who saw what in their vision. For research! I'd help, but you want to make sure it's done right and that means doing it yourself, I'm afraid. make an organized list of who saw what in their vision. For research! I'd help, but you want to make sure it's done right and that means doing it yourself, I'm afraid.

Charlie: [To Clint] What a marvelous idea, but I have vital roles for ALL of you! [Beams] You shall be in charge of following me everywhere I go and carrying my notebooks as I fill them [frowns] after you've washed your hands, of course.

Alice: Nice going, Stinky! Come on, we don't have time to interview all these losers! [To Stevie] Wait a minute, so you didn't die in your vision?

Stevie: No ma'am. In the vision I was so enraged that Deuce had stolen my charcoal I went racing out and slipped on some sort of bone that was on top of the stairs. I fell down and broke my neck -- when the vision finished, I was lying there, paralysed!

Austin: Did it look like a ham bone? rest

Stevie: As a matter of fact, it did!

Stevie: As a matter of fact, it did!

Austin: How mysterious, I wonder how that got there! rest

Deuce: Look, just to be clear -- this hasn't happened, right? Who else got visions? Is it just people in the park?

Deuce: Look, just to be clear -- this hasn't happened, right? Who else

Austin: Not, it hasn't happened, and yes, just people in the park as far rest as we know. It was Will's boyfriend with some kind of exploding banana bomb or something? All very odd. [Looks around for some one to interview]

Deuce: Banana bomb, eh? Sounds slippery.

Alice: Plus, the Fake God of Punctuations disappeared!

Deuce: [Shrugs] That's probably a good thing.

Roscoe: What does it mean? What does it MEAN? [Thinks] What does IT mean?

Roscoe the hipster Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Thinking deeply HAR the disappearance of a fake God of arbitrary grammatical tools surely can have no significance anyway so let us continue in our fate guided quest to do whatever it is we are supposed to be doing omg has anyone else noticed there is perhaps a most unpredictable side effect to the vanishment of punctuation

Deuce: Dave, you're a big scary guy who kinda intimidates me, but for the love of ham, don't ever do that again!

Roscoe: [Still musing] What DOES it mean?

Charlie: [To Roscoe] We do not know ourselves, but we are trying to learn using more constructive methods than a variation on emphasis! Did [huge emphasis] YOU have a vision just now?

Roscoe: I did! I was at home in my crib, chillin' to some mellow tunes on a rainy, stormy night -- it was actually me playing on my lute -- when I heard a crash on the roof.

Alice: Maybe someone throwing a rock at you because you were playing the lute?

Roscoe: No, people love my lute playing! Anyway, it was a huge crash, so I climbed out onto the roof to see what it was, and I could barely stay on it because of the wind and rain. I got the worst feeling, like I was going to fall.

Austin: What crashed into the roof? rest

Charlie: [To Austin, sensibly] No doubt the crib itself. No crib is built to hold a grown man's weight!

Roscoe: I don't know, I didn't see it! But man, I was getting a bad feeling, a baaaad one!

Dur: What if it was an exceptionally large crib?

Roscoe: It's not, it's a Tiny House, you know, eco-friendly and what-not, but I fit into it perfectly. Sure, there's not enough space to do much cycling on my unicycle, but it's home. But what does the vision mean? Most people here saw their own death -- did I just see what leads to my death? That's way scarier!

Dur: We didn't see our own deaths either. In fact, we saw slight variations so they can't be pure prophecies, can they?

Roscoe: Innnnteresting. What was the difference between them?

Alice: Hey, Beardie! Stick your nose out of our prophecies! It's bad enough dealing with a misbehaving god without having to do it with some sort of hipster in tow too!

Deuce: [To Dur] Just because something's a prophecy doesn't mean it'll definitely come true! Look at my old grandma's prophecy that I'd be in jail by the time I was 21.

Dur: Were you 22?

Charlie: Oh, what does one win for guessing correctly?? [Eagerly] 18?!

Deuce: You're both wrong -- I was 13, but technically a minor, so they couldn't send me to jail. Even though she wanted to press charges.

Dur: Who? Your mother?!

Deuce: No! Jeez, Dur, what do you take me for? It was my grandmother.

Austin: What were the charges? rest

Deuce: 20GP for the lawyer and another five for court costs. Once she believed that her eyebrows with grow back, she let it go.

Charlie: [To Deuce] Very sporting of her! [To the party] Perhaps we should try to locate that horrid Panse?

Alice: [Points at Clint] He's wearing them.

Clint: That can be fixed...

Alice: Short of burning them, Stinky, there's no fixing them. [Looks around] Have all the Fake Gods appeared?

Deuce: Nope. [Points over to the other side of the park] There are a bunch there. Look, the Fake God of Finding Stuff is over there, looking for his keys. He'll never find 'em.

Charlie: We do not need HIS assistance, then! [To the party] We should try to find Panse, not Clint's panTs!

Alice: Oh, that makes much more sense. But what about the Fake God? Is he dead? dead?

Charlie: [Confused] Which Fake God? The one of Being Bad at Finding Keys? [Heads for the Fake God of Finding Things] Let's find out!

Austin: Why did he go to all the trouble of giving us visions? Surely a rest letter would suffice!

Alice: [To Charlie] No! That guy's just an idiot who's locked out of his house! I meant the Fake God of Punctuations -- did he disappear in the explosion? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: can we bring a full stop to this conversation about gods of punctuation?

Austin: A fine, and relevant, query! How do you propose we achieve that rest outcome?

Alice: By figuring out what happened to him! Is he dead? Did he disappear? Is he hiding? Sent from my iPhone On 30 Aug 2017, at 13:40, dom >

wrote:

Dave: can we bring a full stop to this conversation about gods of punctuation?

Austin: A fine, and relevant, query! How do you propose we achieve that outcome? rest

Dave: we have keys to the property of a pleasant fate dodging lady- and the possibility of reward. So perhaps we should abdicate conscious investigation and instead simply walk blindly forward with a simple task?

Alice: You mean... steal all her stuff?

Charlie: Indeed not--we are not criminals! Let us try to locate this alleged God of Horribly Abused Punctuation. Surely he did not simply disintegrate.

Ezra: God is dead? Oh no! Now who am I going to get to care about the fact that I don't care about anything? And why did it have to happen to today when I just got a vision of my own death? Why? WHY!

Dur: Which one? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [Rolling eyes and sighing] A god is missing that's all- and a rather minor fake one at that! Though if there is a God of decisive and lucrative action, he too seems to be absent or laying down on the job!

Ezra: [To Dur] The Fake God of Nice Beards!

Alice: [Mutters to the party] I think he means the Fake God of Annoying Beards.

Ezra: [To Dave] Don't be so cold, man! It's not just one god, it's a bunch of them. And [folds his arms] you still haven't asked me about what I saw in my horrific vision, which, even if you did, I wouldn't tell you, because I'm too chill to worry about it. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Good. So Gods are disappearing then. Perhaps the banana bag slinging chap from earlier is assassinating opponent deities?

Dave: Good. So Gods are disappearing then. Perhaps the banana bag slinging

Austin: I wonder if we can kill gods with bananas? It seems absurd, but rest worth a try. Sent from my iPhone On 30 Aug 2017, at 15:42, dom >

wrote:

Dave: Good. So Gods are disappearing then. Perhaps the banana bag slinging chap from earlier is assassinating opponent deities?

Austin: I wonder if we can kill gods with bananas? It seems absurd, but worth a try. rest

Dave: should we try to Kill the other ones too?

Alice: Wow, this could be a whole lot easier than we thought! Let's just pick up a load of bananas and get rid of these gods once and for all!

Shor: Be still, friends! Worry not about these foolish visions! These are Fake Gods, they mean nothing!

Shor Goldenhair, Hero

Dur: Does he mean the fake gods are the source of the visions?

Shor: Panic not, my friends, for panic is the mind killer! There is nothing to suggest that they will come true!

Alice: Maybe it's the fake gods being blown up by the banana bomb? [Turns to look at Shor] Hey! That's the guy from my vision! [Calls and waves] Hey! Hey you!

Shor: Let me outta here! We're all gonna diiiiiiie! [Turns and runs]

Alice: Well, that was rude.

Austin: [Rolls his eyes] What a hypocrite! He just told everyone not to rest panic! [Sighs, shaking his head]

Deuce: Maybe he saw something that made him think his vision was actually going to come true?

Dur: Maybe we should chase the man down and ask him?

Alice: Good idea! [Starts to head after Shor] Hey! Come back!

Dur: Don't try and outrun us, running is the only thing we're good at! [Dur chases after Shor as well and will attempt to cast HOLD PERSON on the fleeing stranger]

Alice: Yeesh, what did he see that so scared him?

Clint: He probably saw a vision of his own death, involving us!


;;; So I think I'm probably good here unless something extremely strange happens.
;;; Rain has stopped, and streets in my neighborhood are dry.
;;; I slept in today after several days of waking up every couple of hours to check water levels.
;;; I'm fine, but very, very tired. Next challenge: trying to figure out how to get out of town to
;;; visit the family for the holiday weekend!

Alice: And I saw him in my vision! Did he see the same thing, I wonder?

Charlie: Perhaps you saw the beginning, and he saw the next bit, where you [dramatically] stab him to death with a rusted nail file!

Alice: Oooh! That sounds cool! I wonder what happens next in your vision? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har. Well I have not seen a dwarf yet. Or a manhole. I have also been standing here for what feels like ages. [looks mischievous, wets his finger and tries to give a nearby friend a wet willy]. I am becoming restless! been standing here for what feels like ages. [looks mischievous, wets his finger and tries to give a nearby friend a wet willy]. I am becoming restless!

Charlie: [Blocks her ears defensively] Not it! [Looks around] Yes, it would be helpful to find the dwarf we envisioned. Surely he will not get away as quickly as that long-legged Nord! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Indeed ! That fellow was faster than Dur chasing an ice cream wagon!

Austin: [Moving well away from Dave] So who's visions involved the Nord? rest

Clint: Just me and Alice, I think? Does that mean ours won't come true?

Austin: Based on the current evidence, it is more likely that the rest of rest our vision will not come true. The Nord is clearly a real person. of our vision will not come true. The Nord is clearly a real person.

Charlie: Clearly, so what of the dwarf? [Looks around] Do any of you see a dwarf? Or a manhole cover?

Alice: [Looks around] I don't see any dwarves, but, you know, they are easy to hide behind stuff. Hey, I have an idea!

Alice: Yeesh! Okay, okay, I'll keep it to myself, but it was a good one!

Dave: GAH! More of the Dwarf! This time within a dungeony context!

Charlie: [Rubbing her head unhappily] Indeed, what a nuisance! At least it seems he opposes HARMA!

Alice: What? What did you see?

Dur: Oh just more of the same. Us diligently trying to save the world while that pesky organization HARMA continues to get in the way! Oh, and a dwarf, but that is hardly relevant....

Alice: Oh, god, are they coming to protect us? Arrest us? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: we could run away? Or fight to the death? I'm easy either way.

Clint: Maybe they're just here to investigate? We could maybe use HARMA to find the dwarf! Oh, and that blond freak was in my vision, too, only he wasn't running away like a coward.

Alice: What was he running away like? In mine he was just standing there? [To Dave] HARMA normally travel in herds, so there's lots of them. We should probably amble away. They're probably still miffed that our elephants trampled one of them on the volcano.

George: This park is under quarantine! Everybody needs to come with us.

Charlie: [Gasps] It's happening! [Calls out] Dwarf! Come assist us!

Dur: [Scoffs] As if dwarves just appeared when summoned!

Alice: You never know, Dur! [Calls out] Dwarf! Dwarf!

Bryant: Hi, can I help you?

Alice: [Looks up the 6'8" tall Bryant] Yeesh, you wait all morning for a dwarf to come along and then three come together!

Bryant Dorff

Clint: No offense, but aren't you a little tall to be a dwarf?

Bryant: Way too tall!

Clint: Okay then. I think the Sarge here wants to discuss the quarantine with you in some way. I guess maybe she saw you in a vision or something.


;;; Passing the buck! Also, I may be able to skip town today to visit the family for the weekend.
;;; If so, probably no posting from me tomorrow or Monday.

Alice: [Sceptically] Is this the dwarf you guys saw in your visions? quarantine something.

Charlie: [To Alice] Indeed not! [To Dorff, scolding] I called for a dwarf, not a very tall man! [Hopefully] Unless you know a dwarf?


;;; Travel safe, Tom!

Bryant: Oh, sorry. I thought you were calling me -- my name's Dorff. Sorry, I don't know any dwarves, although I know a man who's really small. Compared to me, at any rate. He's probably taller than most of you.

[The HARMA officers are spreading out, clearly rounding people up.]

Deuce: Yeah.. I think we need to get out of here. Are we gonna start throwing people over the fence?

Dur: Perhaps the really tall man can help us over the fence? I volunteer to be the first one over!

Austin: What a good idea, nice to see you being useful for a change! I'll rest go second if he does not get hurt or die.

Dur: If I die, tell my wife I love her!

Austin: Sure! [Waves goodbye. Whispers to Alice] He's even crazier than he rest looks!

Bryant: Happy to help!

Alice: Hey! This guy is great! Way better than any dwarf!

Bryant: Happy to help!

Austin: [To Alice] Better than three dwarfs? [To Bryant] Me next! [Gets rest ready to jump over the fence]

Alice: Thanks Mister Dwarf!

Bryant: No problem, you guys stay cool. I'm gonna find me some HARMA officers to scare.


;;;; End of scene, next one coming up
[Book X, Act VI, Scene VI. Beyond the fence. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and DEUCE are here, standing right beside the backpack that PANSE left here.]

Alice: Look! The banana bag!

Austin: [Putting on some rubber gloves, carefully examines the rucksack] I rest thought this had been destroyed in the blast?

Alice: It seems weird that it wasn't! Maybe the explosion didn't come from here?


;;; It definitely did
[AUSTIN slowly opens the rucksack revealing a glass orb inside.]
from here?

Charlie: Oooh, how thrilling! Is it still intact? [Tries to get a closer look at the orb]

Alice: It seems weird that it wasn't! Maybe the explosion didn't come from

Austin: [Carefully takes out the orb and cleans it with a wet wipe] rest Curious.It's an odd thing to leave lying around. Sent from my iPhone On 1 Sep 2017, at 14:09, dom >

wrote:

Alice: It seems weird that it wasn't! Maybe the explosion didn't come from here?


;;; It definitely did
[AUSTIN slowly opens the rucksack revealing a glass orb inside.]

Austin: [Carefully takes out the orb and cleans it with a wet wipe] Curious.It's an odd thing to leave lying around. rest

Dave: HAR! It is mostly likely the foci for some dark sorcerous purpose! Who knows what evil destructive power is bound within it! Let us smash it and find out!

Deuce: Whatever it was, it's being used!

Dur: How can you tell? Sent from my iPhone Dave:[will peer intently into the globe]

Clint: Should we bash the crap out of it to turn it off, do you think?

Charlie: [Disappointed] I suppose the black center means it has been used! [Peers into the banana bag] Anything else in there? Sent from my iPhone Dave:[ will see if the globe bounces when dropped]

Deuce: [Nods at Charlie's words] Yep, that dark centre is actually smoke. They often go like that when they've been used up.

Alice: Huh, that's kinda cool! [Picks it up and throws it up high in the air. When it comes back down to earth and hits the ground it does the same thing and stops exactly where it hits.

Charlie: [Beaming] Why, Alice! This is the most interest you have ever shown in science! Perhaps we could enroll you in a remedial class so that you could better understand my research?

Alice: Why? Is it only taught to people in remedial classes?

Alice: Why? Is it only taught to people in remedial classes?

Austin: Because no one else would attend. rest

George: Move along! There's nothing to see here! [Takes out a truncheon and hits Bryant in the shin with it] Godspark.]

Charlie: [To the party] Quickly, let us move away from this fence so that I may explain to all of you what I meant by Alice's need for remedial study!

Bryant: Ow! What did you do that for?

George: This entire park is under arrest!

Alice: Looks like we got out just in time!

George: What?

Alice: Er, I mean, it looks like we didn't get in just in time!

Sent from my iPhone On 4 Sep 2017, at 14:53, dom >

wrote:

Alice: Why? Is it only taught to people in remedial classes?

Austin: Because no one else would attend. rest

Dave: HAR ! The absence of the fake God of punctuations made that joke possible! Whereas I, as a fake fake fake God of minuature replica furniture, noted the inflections and nuances in Alice's (witty) rejoinder, that undermine your potentially humorous sally !

Alice: [To Austin] He said I was funny and you weren't. [To the party] I wonder what's going to happen to those people in the park? HARMA obviously know about the visions, right? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: they better not stick that nice lady in her house and set fire to it. ......

Alice: Not when we have the keys they can't! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ gives Alice a large toothy grin and a thumbs up]

Austin: [Looks around to see if they are being watched] Why don't we pay rest her house a visit, and get her things for her? [Checks his nails] Secret hiding place or two, full of jewels, that will improve my smugness. Sent from my iPhone On 4 Sep 2017, at 20:47, dom >

wrote:

Dave: [ gives Alice a large toothy grin and a thumbs up]

Austin: [Looks around to see if they are being watched] Why don't we pay her house a visit, and get her things for her? [Checks his nails] Secret hiding place or two, full of jewels, that will improve my smugness. rest

Dave: HAR! Surely you have achieved perfection there already my camp compadre? [attempts to playfully tussle Austins hair- chuckling at the predictable look of horror and disgust that will appear on Austin's face as he deftly avoids the manoeuvre ..]

Austin: [Deftly avoid the hair style destroyer, and attempts to improve rest Dave's smell with a scoosh of Eau de Boss aftershave] Perfection must be striven for at every moment, lest it be lost! [Confused] And camps require tents usually! Remind me never to share one with you.

Alice: [Stepping out of the way of the horseplay] Oh, stop beating about the bush and just sleep with each other already! What are we going to do about HARMA rounding up all those people?

Charlie: How can we stop the HARMA machine?! All we have ever been able to do is stay away from them ourselves. Perhaps we should retreat to a safe place and try to ascertain the current excuse they are using to arrest people! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ produces a tinderbox and a bottle of high % moonshine - which he pours over a suitably combustible something- like a covered wagon conveniently parked nearby- prior to setting the embers upon it and shrieking in a girlishly high falsetto] FIRE!!!!

Alice: [To Charlie] Good idea, and if we could do it without drawing any undue attention to ourselves, then all the better. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HELP! HEEYEEELP! there is a disorderly and unharmonious conflagration over here!!!

Tompars: [To Dave] Calm down, Miss, there's nothing to be afraid of. [Dramatically] Except sin.

[Enter TOMPARS PARIS, another HARMA officer that the party have

Austin: How can we help you Officer Paris? I am afraid our survey is not rest yet complete. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Officer ! Look ! The very flames of hades! Armageddon! The black beast shambles forth! Chaos! Horror! Naughtiness!

Tompars: You can start by getting [indicates Dave] her under control. We're rounding up those impacted by The Haze, and she's clearly one. In fact, everyone near the park was probably impacted, we need to put you all in ... quarantine.

Austin: [To Tom] What is this 'The Haze', and it's effects? [Looks at rest Clint and Alice and nods towards Tom]

Tom: Just the sort of thing someone suffering from The Haze would say! brains melt!

Austin: [Indignantly] I don't worship any god or gods! You are the one who rest worships a fake god! [Tries to stab Tom] Get him!

Charlie: [To Tom] And what precisely qualifies you to diagnose Hazing? How are we to know you have not been Hazed yourself?

Dur: [Holds his head from another vision] Ouchies! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: What is this "vision" nonsense? Oh officer save me from this madness![ will attempt to grapple and subdue the officer under the pretext of earnest panic stricken floundering] madness![ will attempt to grapple and subdue the officer under the pretext of earnest panic stricken floundering]

Charlie: [Grabs her head in pain] Ugh, Joe Nunpar?! This is getting worse and worse! [Muses] The visions seem to be progressing, do they not?

Tompars: [Calling to the other HARMA officers] Out here! More Hazers! [Dave grabs him]

Alice: Let's get out of here! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Okay! Let us vamanos! [ will heft Tompars and set off rapidly]

Clint: I bet we run faster if we're not carrying some HARMA geek with us, Dave.

Tompars: Help! [Punches Dave in the face before biting his hand and drawing blood]

Alice: Leave him! We don't need no stinking hostage! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Ah! I see your clever thinking! Sorry bitey HARMA man! [ will drop Tompar, on his head if possible,as he runs]

Austin: [Running] He could identify us though! rest Sent from my iPhone On 5 Sep 2017, at 16:48, dom >

wrote:

Tompars: Help! [Punches Dave in the face before biting his hand and drawing blood]

Alice: Leave him! We don't need no stinking hostage!

Austin: [Running] He could identify us though! rest

Dave: oh, the weasel has a point- should I go back and get him again?

Dave: oh, the weasel has a point- should I go back and get him again?

Austin: Just make sure he wont remember us! Concussion or something? And rest get his wallet! [Keeps running]

Alice: [Legging it down the street as HARMA carriages come screeching to a halt, sirens blazing] Only go back if you want to make sure he gets a real close look us, Dave! [Looks behind] Deuce! You gotta keep up!

Deuce: [Struggling to run while chomping on a leg of ham] No use... leave me behind!

Charlie: [Tries to grab the ham out of Deuce's mouth and hands] Pull yourself together, man! Run now, gorge on ham later!

Clint: Look at it this way - there'll be no ham in a HARMA reeducation center! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will attempt a bootlegger turn whilst running, hurtle back towards Tompar, shout "SORRY" and aim the flat of his axe at the poor guys head- prior to grabbing any purse pouch or possible coin receptacle, and resuming flight away from the oncoming HARMA horde- such Manoeuvres only being possible because he truly fails to recognise how ridiculous and impossible they are....]

Alice: Help! A hairy redhead's got me!

[HARMA carriages zoom in from all directions.]

Austin: [To Dave] Nice one, furball! rest

Charlie: [Tries to help Austin and Alice up] So much for retreating!

Barry: Don't go anywhere, we can fit another dozen Hazers in there with you!

Austin: Just go away, please! [To The party] What an idiot! rest

Barry: You see, you *can't* go away, because you're locked in!

Austin: That's why I want you to go away, because I can't, and you are the rest most tedious and boring person I have ever met! [Glances back To Barry] Are you still here? the most tedious and boring person I have ever met! [Glances back To Barry] Are you still here?

Charlie: [To Barry] Oh, do stop antagonizing Mr. Sleaze! We are having rather a difficult day. Sent from my iPhone On 6 Sep 2017, at 10:31, dom >

wrote:

Alice: Help! A hairy redhead's got me!

[HARMA carriages zoom in from all directions.]

Austin: [To Dave] Nice one, furball! rest

Dave: Unhand me you hussy! [slaps at Austin, tries to stroke Alice's face]

Barry: I am still here, just like you, except you're stuck here! [To Charlie] Good! You know, as my old Gran always used to say..

Barry: Hey! How did you know that's what she did when I told her I loved her? Why do people always do that? [Storms away]

Austin: [Holding his head] No! Not meaninglessly short episodes! I guess rest we should be relieved that there are no advertisements! [Looks relieved at Barry's absence] Thank heavens that ridiculous idiot has left! [Tries to pick the lock on the cage] Sent from my iPhone On 6 Sep 2017, at 13:04, dom >

wrote:

Barry: I am still here, just like you, except you're stuck here! [To Charlie] Good! You know, as my old Gran always used to say..

Barry: Hey! How did you know that's what she did when I told her I loved her? Why do people always do that? [Storms away]

Austin: [Holding his head] No! Not meaninglessly short episodes! I guess we should be relieved that there are no advertisements! [Looks relieved at Barry's absence] Thank heavens that ridiculous idiot has left! [Tries to pick the lock on the cage] rest

Dave: [ motivated by Austin's proactive approach Dave will start trying to bend bars or otherwise make an escape route] we should be relieved that there are no advertisements! [Looks relieved at Barry's absence] Thank heavens that ridiculous idiot has left! [Tries to pick the lock on the cage] to bend bars or otherwise make an escape route]

Charlie: [Scanning the cage and room outside of it, rubbing her head] Excellent, can we find any means of escape?

Alice: What happened? What did you see this time? I wish *I* saw some episodes!

Barry: I've got the perfect carriage for you!

Chucky: I've pooped my diaper. I need to be changed.

Dur: Clearly we need to find out what the source of these visions are and I think the only way we are going to do that is in the back of a HARMA carriage! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I'll change you. From breathing to not so much breathing...,

Alice: But what was [whining] thiiiiis one? [Sees Barry approaching with a bunch of stinking Kidders] No way! Keep them out of here!

Chucky: Hey, it's not our fault our diapers are full of three day's of poop!

Alice: We saw you this morning and there was none!

Chucky: I didn't say it was my poop.

Barry: [Gleefully] He really reeks. poop!

Charlie: [Holding her nose] How vile! [To the party, in a low voice] In this vision, we are outside a set of closed, badly damaged doors, and there are HARMA officers nearby! [To the others] Did anyone else see anything?

Alice: I didn't have any vision! I was just stuck here looking at that [points at Barry] idiot!

Barry: [Smiling] Just in case you people think you can jump me when we throw in the poop machines, I'm going to electrify the bars to stun you all. I might even draw an amusing moustache on one of you. Or perhaps a little p- hey!

Barry: Stop that! Stop that at once!

Dur: I really hope this is someone rescuing us and not someone worse than HARMA capturing us!

Barry: [Pulls out a device with a scary looking button on it] Stop or I'll press this! [Presses the button]

Barry: Ow! What the hell? Why do we even have this thing? What idiot designed this?

Clint: Ask the Fake God of useless inventions! [To the party] Why do you guys keep having visions that Bimbo and I don't? Probably for the same reason that we had a different first one, but why? you. [Muses] It is particularly interesting because you were in our visions!

Clint: I'm not just a pretty face with a devastating left boot here!

Alice: Aw, poor Stinky! I don't think your face looks like a boot at all! [Thinks] Well, hardly.

Barry: Stop them!

Alice: Hooray! A hundred points! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will be clutching the bars, jumping up and down excitedly hooting with joy- very much like some disquieting massive primate]

Alice: Who's driving this thing? [Tries to peer into the drivers cab] I can't see anyone -- maybe it's a ghost driver!

Charlie: [Cranes her neck to try to see the driver] Oh, how thrilling! I should like to interview her--or him!--for a research project I am planning! [Waves at the driver] Helloooo? Could you answer a few questions about your dietary needs, if any, and haunting habits and such? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: HAR! I love the crazy stuff that goes on with you people! It's the best fun since Dave and I used to have blindfolded sled races down Mount Certaindeath back home!

Dieter: I'm not really one for haunting, but I do like to eat a good steak once in a while. [Glances back] Is that what you mean?

[This is the same dwarf from the visions.]

Dieter Pinklage

Charlie: [Disappointed] But you appear to be corporeal! [Brightens] And familiar--I had a vision of you quite recently! You must be here to rescue us, how splendid!

Austin: Given the content of our visions that seems unlikely! [To Dieter] rest What are your intentions towards us? Sent from my iPhone On 7 Sep 2017, at 13:06, dom >

wrote:

Charlie: [Disappointed] But you appear to be corporeal! [Brightens] And familiar--I had a vision of you quite recently! You must be here to rescue us, how splendid!

Austin: Given the content of our visions that seems unlikely! [To Dieter] What are your intentions towards us? rest

Dave: Yes. They had better be honourable, or at least creative....

Dieter: I sure am here to rescue you, and wreak as much damage to HARMA as I can. My intentions are strictly honourable! [Turns back to take another look at the party] Well, to all but two of you. [Glances back again] Make that three. [Swerves to hit another HARMA officer] What vision?

Dur: I'll have you know that I am a married man Good Sir and if you have less than honorable intentions with me you have to ask my wife first!

Dieter: Noted!

Alice: What? What happened this time? This is even better than the Lays of Our Dives!

Charlie: [Rubbing her head] It is certainly less painful, in any case! [To the party, in a low voice] This time there was a trunk, and opening did NOT turn out well for us!

Dur: But now that know, can’t we just NOT open the chest?

Alice: I'm confused. Was it a trunk or a chest?

Dieter: Right, here we go. Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ will look at Dur in disbelief] Do you not know us? Or yourself? Of course we would have to open it!

Dave: [ will look at Dur in disbelief] Do you not know us? Or yourself? Of

Austin: [To Dur] A fascinating conjecture. [Ponders] No, probably not, but rest we will find out fairly soon! [Waits for Dietier to open the cage]

Clint: What happens if Alice or I open it instead of one of you guys?

Alice: Well, I'm not going to open the Killer Chest. [Indignantly puts her hands on her hips, her killer chest puffed out]

Clint: That's okay, I'll do it. How hard can opening a chest be? Just give it a quick kick from ol' Thunder here [flexes his door-kicking foot] and it should pop right open! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [big thumbs up to CLINT]

Dieter: Well, nice meeting you guys. See you sometime.

Dur: Sooner than you think probably!

Charlie: [To Dieter] Wait! Didn't you mean to rescue some of us?!

Austin: [To Dieter] Hey wait! Could you let us out of this cage before you rest go please! We'd be most grateful!

Dieter: Actually, I meant to rescue all of you, but I have no idea who you are. You could be HARMA spies for all I know. Most people I rescue from HARMA are preoccupied with telling me how much they hate HARMA. I only like to rescue people who really, really hate HARMA. [Fixes the party with a steely glare] What is your honest opinion of HARMA?

Charlie: [Excited] We loathe them! I, for one, loathe them as much as I loathe poorly researched, badly edited articles on my favorite subjects, such as arcane and complex classification methods of lesser demons!!

Charlie: [Excited] We loathe them! I, for one, loathe them as much as I

Austin: I believe, and I am speaking for all of us here, that we would all rest really love to see Nunpar's head mounted on the nose horn of one of his favorite unicorns, falling into a pool of magma.

Alice: [Nods at Austin and Charlie's words] Yeah! We really, really, really, *really* hate them!

Dieter: They are quite hateable. [Unlocks the door of the cage] I'm Dieter Pinklage, Adventurer, connoisseur and of an enormous penis.

Alice: Uh, you mean you have an enormous penis?

Dieter: Yes, that's true too.

Charlie: [Charges out of the cage] How marvelous for you! Thank you for your assistance. As we escape, perhaps you could tell us a bit about your own hatred of HARMA?

Dieter: Like most right-minded people, historically I found them irritating but amusing. [Dramatically] Until they set up their headquarters in my home town.


;;; In the party's dimension, HARMA had their HQ in Queens View

Charlie: Oh, you are from Queens View? We are [modestly] widely known as the Queens View Party!

Dieter: Why, yes I am. I'm surprised I've never heard of you -- the last Queens View Party I heard about was the one when people thought that Joe Nunpar had accidentally impaled himself on a unicorn horn.

Alice: Aw, he didn't impale himself on a unicorn horn?

Dieter: He did, it just wasn't an accident.

Dieter: Why, yes I am. I'm surprised I've never heard of you -- the

Austin: That's even better! So, what is the plan to get rid of HARMA? rest

Dieter: I'm not sure, but I want in! I do know of a way into his keep here in Nostalgia.


;;; Gone for the weekend!

Charlie: Marvelous, I should enjoy mocking his unicorn collection! [To the party] But is HARMA our biggest worry just now? Shouldn't we try to find Will instead? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Hmmm. Difficult. How about we go get some sandwiches and then see what the universe throws at us? I'm expecting a manhole and a Stinky tunnel any time and I'd rather not face that on an empty stomach.

Alice: We should try to find out what Will is up to, but whatever it is, Joe Nunpar seems to know about it, doesn't he? Why else would his guys turn up so soon after the banana bomb?

Austin: I expect they planned the banana bomb, to justify their reign of rest terror!

Alice: But wasn't it Panse who planted the banana bomb?

Charlie: [Aghast] No daughter of mine would align herself with HARMA!

Austin: [To Alice] Yes it was, that was my point. It's a conspiracy theory. rest

Alice: So you're just making stuff up to enable you to push your Big Farmer agenda? Understandable if you want to make money from your tiny investment in chicken feed, but doesn't really help us right now. I don't think we know where Will is, but we do know where Deuce is.

Dieter: Who's Deuce?

Alice: My fiance. [Pause] Well, not officially my fiance, but soon. Well, we'll talk about it soon. [Pause] You know, after we've gone on more than a few dates. [Pause] Which will happen after our first date. [Pause] Which will happen right after he asks me out on a date.

Dieter: Sounds like he might be safer in HARMA custody.

Alice: So you're just making stuff up to enable you to push your Big

Austin: [To Dieter] As long as they have enough ham I am sure he would rest agree. [To Alice] No, but we are in a different dimension, and he is probably a different Panse, [To Charlie] and he might not be dating Will.

Dieter: Panse? Panse Rayder? Pasty looking fellow with lots of spoons?

Charlie: [Shudders] Yes, that is him! [Hopefully] He is single and lonely, right? Hasn't a lovely, well-organized, well-educated but sometimes badly behaved girlfriend?

Dieter: We're not exactly Macebook friends, so I'm not sure. [Thoughtfully] Although I always imagined him with more of a broody, hate-the-world type chick.

Alice: How do you know him?

Dieter: We broke out of a HARMA jail together a few weeks ago.

Alice: Yay! Then he's a good guy! [To Charlie] This is great! Will doesn't have that bad influence hanging around, so she'll be easy to convince to come back on the side of good. Hurrah!

Dieter: He's not exactly a good guy, I don't think.

Dur: Why not?

Dieter: He had been arrested for hitting a puppy in the face. With a bag of puppies. That he had left out to freeze.

Charlie: [Primly] Well, dogs are rather unpleasant. They have an alarming tendency to drool uncontrollably, and one's hand never smells clean after petting them. [Quickly] But Will was raised to avoid them, not harm them!

Alice: Where is this dog puncher likely to be hanging out?

Dieter: Sorry, I haven't a clue.

Alice: Where is this dog puncher likely to be hanging out?

Austin: Did he tell you anything about himself or his plans? Do you know rest why he hit the puppy?

Dieter: He didn't say very much, just that he likes Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain. He's not much into yoga, but does like making love at midnight in the dunes of some cape. Now that I think about it, it seems like a bunch of highly inappropriate things to bring up while we were squeezing into a tight space.

Alice: What about the puppy?

Dieter: He didn't squeeze into the space, but they were bringing him to another jail.

Austin: Well that is some good news at least. If the jail was that tight, rest HARMA must be stone broke! Hopefully the'll have to downsize dramatically, sell of their carriage fleet etc. That should make them less annoying.

Clint: Either that or they see no reason to have nice jails, which sounds like them to me! 06

Dieter: The jail wasn't tight, the hole out of which myself and Panse squeezed was tight. [Nods at Clint] And yes, I don't believe HARMA are too concerned about the comfort of their jails.

Charlie: I should think not! [To the group] Shall we try to sneak into Joe Nunpar's keep? Perhaps we could find clues there to Wilhelmina's whereabouts. [Rubs her hands together excitedly] Oh, it will be as if we are that Herlock Sholmes, Feminist Detective!

Charlie: I should think not! [To the group] Shall we try to sneak into Joe

Austin: {Confused] Does he sneak into equal numbers of male and female rest owned abodes? What an odd specialty!

Clint: Oh, let her fangirl, lawyer. At least she's not talking about her own books for once!

Alice: Actually, she is! Herlock is the second greatest detective ever -- second only to Hercool Parrot.

Dieter: Oh no, my misguided feminist friends. The greatest detective ever is Thomas Split. He may have been small, but his appetite for mystery solving -- and sweet fruits -- was huge! [A little defensively] Hey, there aren't many positive role models for dwarf children!

Austin: [Nods] I suspect that they were often undetected... I mean rest overlooked..., no! I mean erm, I mean that the casting directors were probably bias, and not feminist at all. . overlooked..., no! I mean erm, I mean that the casting directors were probably bias, and not feminist at all.

Charlie: Almost certainly, though it is only fair that from time to time a man be allowed to be a detective, so long as he has a strong female partner who is not merely a love interest!

Austin: Surely there should be equal representation of all genders? rest

Dieter: Probably, but a more pressing issue is do you want to help attack HARMA and set all their prisoners free?

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, my--yes! Viva la revolution!

Dieter: Excellent! I know of a sneaky way in!

Dieter: Excellent! I know of a sneaky way in!

Austin: [Hopeful] Is it clean and sneaky? rest

Dieter: [Laughs at Austin] We're not going through a sewer or anything, if that's what you're concerned about. [Looks at Clint] Although I guess some of you already have gone through one! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: We aren't? These visions were really second rate.

Dur: We already knew that though, right? Some of us DID have completely different visions right from the beginning after all.

Alice: That's right! In mine and Stinky's we were with someone completely different. Way taller and more attractive. [To Dieter] No offence.

Dieter: Dear lady, based on your frighteningly stalkerish description of your fiance earlier, I'm quite relieve that you don't find me attractive.

Charlie: [To Dieter] Very wise! Most of Alice's serious relationships seem to end in death. [Beaming] Of course, we cannot all be as lucky as I have been in my romantic endeavors!

Clint: Out of idle curiosity, do we think freeing all the prisoners is going to work out as well as it did last time, or are we going to have to throw a fool into a volcano again?

Alice: [Defensively] Hey! Not all of my ex-boyfriends were killed!

Dieter: [To Clint] You probably don't have to, but one less fool in the world is probably a good thing. Come on, let's punch HARMA where it hurts!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VI, Scene VII. The Don't Come Inn. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and DIETER have just strolled up. This is the same place that DEUCE brought the party in 10.2, where he expressed horror at how clean the place looked. The bar is filthy and appears to be closed, although it did the last time too, but DEUCE had a key.]

Dieter: Right!

Dur: [Looking around in confusion] Right, what?!

Dur: [Looking around in confusion] Right, what?!

Austin: I hope so. rest

Dieter: You'll never guess what's in here!

Austin: Hookers and wine? rest

Charlie: [Hopefully] Ancient and priceless manuscripts?

Dieter: [Taken aback] Uh.. you're both right. [Big smile] This is my kinda party!

Austin: Let's hope their third party insurance is up to date! rest

Dieter: [Opens the door] They don't have any insurance -- the place was almost destroyed a few days ago when a bunch of hard drinking history lovers caused a mini riot.


;;; Yes, this almost certainly describes what the party did!

Charlie: [Alarmed] Was one of these people only a moderate drinker with a reputation for research excellence?

Austin: I doubt it. It was us, remember? rest

Alice: I wouldn't describe Deucie as a moderate drinker!

Austin: Neither would I. We are all heavy drinkers, but I am not sure I rest remember much about the history of heavy drinking! remember much about the history of heavy drinking!

Charlie: [Indignantly] I am the moderate drinker with a reputation for research excellence! Deuce is the ham addict with too many disturbing sexual predilections to count--and a reputation for research excellence!


;;; Haha! Poor Charlie!!

Dur: [Unimpressed] Is there a difference? Besides using the proper labels for our bookish members, what are we doing here?

Dieter: Okay, let's keep quiet about being a moderate drinker. [Opens the door] That sort of thing is frowned upon here.

Clint: Drinking?

Dieter: Don't be absurd. We're here to destroy HARMA. [Opens the door to the strip club, but, alas, it is sad and empty]

Charlie: [Looks around, excited] Is this where we will find the secret passage to Joe Nunpar's keep?! [Goes to tug at a torch hanging from the wall] How do we activate it?

Alice: [Roars laughing] Do it again! Do it again! [Pulls a lever only for another one to swing out and hit her on the head] Ow! Hey!

Dieter: There's no secret passage, I'm afraid. We're going up on the roof, and will throw a rope across. Next, one of the more foolhardy members will be sent across to establish a beach head.

Clint: Does he strike you as the kind of guy who has a secret passage to a strip club, Sarge? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: ooooo!! Me me!!!!

Dieter: Alright, here we go!

[DAVE starts to head across and gets halfway just as a convoy of HARMA carriages passes below. They are the ones with cells similar to the one the party was imprisoned in.]

Alice: Looks like we're in the right place! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [stage whispering] if they look up I will pretend I am just a large pigeon [ winks reassuringly]

Alice: Meow! Meow!

Alice: Meow! Meow!

Austin: [Frowns] He's not a very convincing pigeon. rest

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, I shall also be a cat, Alice! [Eagerly attempts to cross the rope with feline grace]

Alice: Actually, I was trying to scare the pigeon!

Austin: Unfortunately he makes for a very poor pigeon! [Tries to rest gracefully cross the rope]

Alice: [Leaps onto the rope immediately after Austin, causing the two of them to dip down even lower than Dave] Uh oh! Hurry up, Aus! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Stop rocking the rope you ninnies! Weasel stop fooling around!

Charlie: [Urgently] Remember, like nimble kittens, not slobbering gamboling pups! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [ begins laughing- trying to smother it but probably causing yet more rope bouncing] HAR HAR!! Dogs playing cards! What a crazy image!!! It's madness!! They have no thumbs!!!

Austin: [Looking at Dave] Go and kill something, you're not good at rest talking!

Clint: [Waits impatiently for his turn.] Hurry it up, guys! I mean, meow.

Alice: [Reaching down and yoinking a hat from a passing HARMA officer] Okay, okay! We're doing it!

Alice: Come on, Stinky! You're holding us all up!

Clint: [Heads across as quickly as possible, prepared to hoot like an owl as needed.]

Dur: [Attempting to cross with Clint] You just have to be different don't you!

Dieter: [Taps the cover suspiciously] This looks more manholish than I would have expected.

Alice: [To Dieter] Well, go on then!

Dieter: Well, I’m not going in first! Why not Clint? It probably smells like him down there!

Dur: [Worriedly] This seems familiar!

Austin: [To Dur] There are probably tasty sandwiches down there! rest

Clint: Doc, i reluctantly accept your pants sandwich fetish, but if you're interested in sewer sandwiches we're gonna have to have a little talk. [Leads the way like a boss.]

Alice: Is this what you guys saw in your vision?

Dur: It's what I saw in mine!

Dur: It's what I saw in mine!

Austin: I think so, although I am not sure if everyone was standing in the rest same position?

Alice: I bet I wasn't wearing this hat! [Puts the hat on] There, Alice saves us all!

[A sudden gust of wind whips it off her head and over the wall.]

Alice: We're all gonna die!

Clint: Correction -- you guys are all gonna die! Me and Bimbo are fine until that blond git shows up! until that blond git shows up!

Charlie: Do be serious! All we need do is make sure that chest is never opened! How difficult can that be?!

Alice: The blonde git did turn up, remember? He just ran away again. Everything else here looks the same, though! [To Charlie] I guess it depends on what sort of loot is in the chest!

Austin: What if the we in the vision knew what we know now? Why did we rest open the chest?

Alice: Maybe the we in the vision hadn't had the vision? Or maybe they were just idiots? [Thinks] Or maybe they knew there was something really cool in the chest!

Austin: Like a bottle of Phantom-Pro-vitamin-enriched-Infinity-Immortal rest skin balm? [Eyes widen]

Alice: Or a life time supply of Phantom-Pro-Extra-Shiny Perfect Blonde Creme? [Mouths the word] Wow! This is gonna be the greatest chest ever!

Austin: [Grimaces] But what if it contains a compendium of rest classification systems over the last five thousand years, or a crotch warmed ham sandwich! Yeuch! skin balm? [Eyes widen]

Charlie: [Shudders] How ghoulish! Surely it was something wonderful, such as a rare first edition of Creaturae Sunt Fabulosa Illorum Vera, et Vos Can Organize!

Alice: Well, that sounds way more interesting than a classification system! system!

Charlie: [To Alice, enthusiastically] Indeed, it is a very interesting classification system, though primitive. To be fair, though, it was one of the first!


;;; Great clash! Loved the "crotch-warmed ham sandwich," ew!!

Austin: I think Alice was referring to the sandwich! rest


;;; It's how they do them in Leith now, Hipsters pay extra green for that!

Alice: Stop saying sandwich, it'll get Dur all riled up!

Dur: [All twitchy and antsy] What are we waiting for let's just find the damn chest!

Dieter: [Peers into the darkness] After you, Dur!

Dur: [Jumps in yelling] Crotch Warmed Ham Sandwicheeeeeeeeeeeees!

Dieter: Well, I came here to rescue people, but this Chest of Many Things sounds so amazing, we better get that too! [Leaps in after Dur]

Charlie: [Alarmed] Wait, we mustn't open that chest! [Hops in after Dieter]

Austin: Like she said! It will kill us all! [Climbs down carefully] rest

Alice: Hey! Who's hand is that?

Clint: [Wearily] Is it yours, by any chance?

Alice: [Unconvincingly] No! [Waits a beat] But who's ass is it on?

Charlie: [Swat at Alice] Mine! And do keep your hands to yourself!

Alice: Why don't you keep your ass to yourself?

Dur: Ok, going forward let's all agree to keep all hands and asses to ourselves as a compromise?

Clint: Words to live by. Anyway, all this girl-on-girl action isn't nearly as interesting if we can't see what's going on, so shall we get on with it? Who's got a light?

Austin: This is no time for smoking Mr Scar! Does anyone have a torch? rest


;;;out until Thursday

Alice: I'll light one, just so we can see better to try and slap the pig out of Clint!

[ALICE lights a torch. The party are in the exact same corridor that they previously had the vision in, although they don't see the double doors yet. The corridor extends both ahead and behind them.]

Charlie: Follow me, group! And remember, we must NOT open the chest, no matter how tempting it seems. It will result in a horrible death for all of us, which I personally should like to avoid!

Alice: How else are we going to get all the cool stuff in the Chest of Many Things?

Charlie: [Patiently] There is only death in the Chest, not wonderful things!

Alice: Sounds highly unlikely! Anyway, which way do we go?

Dur: [Quietly] I heard there’d be sandwiches.

Alice: Lead on, Big Nose! Tell us where they are!

Charlie: Ahead, group, always ahead! [Leads the party ahead with gusto]

Alice: Honestly, Dur, sometimes I think Charlie is better at sniffing out pants sandwiches than you are!

Dieter: Can you guys hear something? There's someone coming up behind us! [Draws his sword] Maybe they're trying to protect the Chest of Many Things!

Charlie: [To Dieter, warning] Then we should thank them! Remember, no one should open that chest! ;; Dom is away until Thursday

Austin: Keep moving! It sounds like there's a lot of them. And let me be in the centre, so you can better protect me.

Dur: Wouldn't it be wiser to protect the group physician. I can patch you up if you get hurt, after all, mostly, I think....

Austin: The fact that you would make such and outrageous and easily disproved claim is evidence that you are either already or will soon be in need of legal representation. Ergo, it behooves you to protect me!

Charlie: [To Austin] Quite right! Indeed, Dur is the very reason we hired you in the first place, [vaguely] one assumes.

Clint: Say, are we sure that the visions are true and not just a trick to keep us from opening the chest? You know, kind of an "I'll show you one true minor detail and then I can make you dance like a puppet" sort of thing?


;;; Take 2. Apologies if a duplicate!

Austin: Stop your mindless prattling, Mr. Scar and start protecting me! [Pushes into the middle of the party]

[About a dozen HARMA officers come charging up behind the party.]

Alice: I think we better go -- we can debate who gets to open the Chest of Many Things later!

Clint: What we need is a trapped chest those goons can open and be killed by!

Alice: [Pointing away from the goons] Maybe it's that way? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [who has been cheerfully bimbling along quietly humming to himself- will snap out of his day dream] where is this chest of realised dreams? We should hasten there!

Alice: Up ahead! Come on! Snap to it, people, this chest won't just open itself! itself!

Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] You are NOT to open that chest! [Races to get ahead of Alice]

Alice: Hey! [Grabs the back of Charlie's jacket to propel herself forward]

Austin: Quickly -- don't let them take all the loot! [Starts running]

Charlie: [Gasps] No, you mustn't take the loot! [Races after Austin and Alice]

Dieter: Hey! She said there wasn't any loot! [Squeezes through tiny gaps between the other three]

Dur: Kick them in Mr. Scar! Let me at them sandwiches! My crotch is woefully empty at the moment!

Alice: And do it before we're squashed by HARMA goons! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I love the racing!! Dibs on the chest of Adventure!

Clint: Haw! Another daring escape brought to you by... [flexes his door-kicking foot and tries to boot the doors in] the power of feet!


;;; Gonna be real embarrassing if that door won't open... =)
door-kicking foot and tries to boot the doors in] the power of feet!

Charlie: [Watches Clint, excited] Ooooh, an old-fashioned door bashing! [Claps appreciatively]

Austin: [Watching the advancing HARMA on all sides bar one] Quickly! Hire rest more staff. I am in imminent danger. Hire more staff. I am in imminent danger.

Charlie: [Attempts to slip through the door] Hurry, group! Follow me!

Austin: [Attempts to go through the door after Charlie] That's the spirit rest Sarge, lead from the front!

Alice: Careful, Aus! She'll get to the Chest of Many Things first and spoil it by trying to write a paper about it! [Also tries to squeeze in, with the result that all three of them are wedged in the door]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VI, Scene VIII. A Large Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR and DIETER are here, the double doors having been pulled open by two burly men, JOHN DWAYNSON and CHRIS JONES, causing the party to spill onto the floor. Also present at the far end of the room are JOE NUNPAR, and MIN and MAX GALLS, standing behind a huge chest. This is virtually the same scene that several party members saw in their visions.]

Chris: What do we have here, Mr. Dwaynson?

John: Interlopers, Mr. Jones. Trespassers. Dare I say, invaders?

Chris Jones

John Dwaynson

The scene from the vision

Austin: Guests! Joe was expecting us. This was prophesied, after all. rest Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I prefer "barbarous horde" or assailants.

John: [Looks back to Joe] Mr. Nunpar, were you expecting any guests?

Joe: Certainly not!

Chris: How about a barbarous horde?

Joe: Hm, maybe. [Checks his notebook] Not until next week.

John: I fear you were not expected. As such, you are probably not welcome.

[The goons outside are getting restless, and one moves to grab AUSTIN.]

Goon: He's a liar, let's kill him!

John: [With surprising ferocity] Get your hands off him! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: quite right hands off him! There is a long queue to kill our dear lawyer- so you must take a ticket and wait your turn like everyone else!

Dave: quite right hands off him! There is a long queue to kill our dear

Austin: [To the officers] Indeed, why don't you kill Dave while you are rest waiting? Sent from my iPhone On 21 Sep 2017, at 12:25, dom >

wrote:

Dave: quite right hands off him! There is a long queue to kill our dear lawyer- so you must take a ticket and wait your turn like everyone else!

Austin: [To the officers] Indeed, why don't you kill Dave while you are waiting? rest

Dave: my queue of would be slayers goes down very quickly.. you can be next if you would like to try? Sent from my iPhone On 21 Sep 2017, at 12:34, scott groves >

wrote: Sent from my iPhone On 21 Sep 2017, at 12:25, dom >

wrote:

Dave: quite right hands off him! There is a long queue to kill our dear lawyer- so you must take a ticket and wait your turn like everyone else!

Austin: [To the officers] Indeed, why don't you kill Dave while you are waiting? rest

Dave: my queue of would be slayers goes down very quickly.. you can be next if you would like to try? (I try to keep bureaucracy to a minimum- unlike some eh?....)

Chris: They seem to be arguing with each other, Mr. Dwaynson.

John: Indeed, Mr. Jones. Quite rude. [To the party] What are you doing here and why shouldn't we kill you all right now?

Charlie: Perhaps because we know something about that chest [points to the chest] you do not know?

John: That seems highly unlikely.

Alice: Yeah? We know for a fact that it's chock full of Phantom-Pro hair and skin products!

Joe: What's going there? What information do you have about the chest?

Dur: No! It's full of sandwiches in need of a warm crotching!


;;; That's right, we just coined our own verb!

Clint: [By way of explanation] He really, really loves his sandwiches.

Joe: You're wasting my time. Kill them!

Remember? The sandwich and hair product and golden diamond encrusted unicorn chat was all just wishful thinking!

Alice: Great idea, Aus! Yeah, it's a bomb!

[JOHN and CHRIS look surprised.]

John: It sounds like the last desperate attempt by someone sure they're going to die, Mr. Jones.

Chris: It certainly does, Mr. Dwaynson. Let's get the goons to kill them right away.

Charlie: [To John and Chris, triumphantly] And that sounds like the response of two men too weak and filled with fear to confirm the highly relevant and very important information just given to them! [To the party] How embarrassing!

Clint: If nothing else, what if we're right about the chest being a trap?  You don't want one of your own goons to die messily, you need someone else to do that for you.

Joe: He's right! Bring them in so they can open it.

Min: It's a lie, a dirty lie! That chest contains a gift to you, Mr. Nunpar! Nunpar!

Charlie: Then what's the harm in opening it now? We can all be delighted together!

Austin: [Aghast] We are not going to open it! It's a bomb! [To Joe] It'll rest kill us all!

Joe: What's going on?

Min: It's not a bomb! I packed it myself! I'll open it!

Joe: What's going on?

Austin: [Looks for some shelter] Take cover! [Dives for the best shelter] rest

Charlie: [Dives for cover, attempting to drag the nearest party member with her] Hurry!

Joe: [Grabs Min's arm and stops her] Wait! [To the party] Why do you think there's a bomb here?

Charlie: [Dramatically] We saw it in a vision! [Hesitates] Well, some of us did. [Insistently] But other things we saw came to pass, as well!

Joe: You were in Godspark when the bomb went off?

Alice: [Helpfully to the others] He means the banana bomb.

Dur: Is that really the question right now? Shouldn't you be asking, where are all the sandwiches?!

John: That's a good question, Mr. Jones. Where ARE all the sandwiches?

Chris: I believe they are all in the chest, Mr. Dwaynson. where are all the sandwiches?!

Charlie: [To Dur, scolding] Do stop that, or we shall end up dead for the love of crotchwiches! [To Joe] Yes, we experienced the banana bomb! Why do you ask?

Dur: [Myst-y eyed and lip quivering] Is there any nobler death than the death for the love between a man and his crotchwich?

Alice: Uh... just about any other death?

Joe: [Angrily] You have brought fake visions into my home! Blasphemy! Heresy!


;;; Gone for the weekend!
Heresy!

Charlie: [Indignantly] They ARE real! Open the chest yourself and see!

Joe: [Wavers, clearly torn] Well... let's not do anything hasty.

Chris: Mr. Dwaynson? I believe it is time.

John: Mr. Jones, your sacrifice will be remembered.


;;; In the party's vision, Chris was with them when the chest was opened, while
;;; John was way off to one side.

Joe: [Wavers, clearly torn] Well... let's not do anything hasty.

Austin: [Squeezes as tightly into cover as he can] It's better not be a rest bloody unicorn! bloody unicorn!

Charlie: [Grabs her head] Brace yourselves, group!

Alice: [Starts to run after Chris] Stop him!

Austin: [Screaming] Take cover Alice! It's a bomb! rest

Alice: That's why I'm trying to stop him!

Charlie: [Dismayed] Alice, come back! If he does not open it, how will my vision be proved correct?!

Dur: Keep that man away from MY SANDWICHES! [Hurls himself at Chris]

Dur: Keep that man away from MY SANDWICHES! [Hurls himself at Chris]

Austin: There are no sandwiches! They were purely fictional! rest

Chris: Damn you, HARMA lover!

Dur: [Completely ignoring Austin's pleas for rationality and grabbing Chris by the front of his shirt] HARMA? HARMA'S NOTHING COMPARED TO SANDWICHES! HOW DARE YOU!

Dur: [Completely ignoring Austin's pleas for rationality and grabbing Chris

Austin: [Relieved] He has a point! rest

Chris: Run, Mr. Dwaynson!

John: [Grimly to the party] We'll meet again. [Barges past the party and out to the hallway. Meanwhile, a bunch of HARMA goons leap onto Chris]

Joe: You saved my life!

Clint: Yeah, but if we don't do something about HARMA, there won't *be* any sandwiches! any sandwiches!

Charlie: [Shudders] Oh, GOD, we did. [Quickly] I mean, I expect you wish to reward us for our good deed?!
;;; Away all day so no posting! On 25 September 2017 at 16:51, Heather

wrote:

Joe: Yes, oh yes! Of course!

Charlie: Splendid! What would you like to give us?

Joe: The gift of life! The gift of guilt free living! The gift of knowing that you are following a truly righteous path! The gift of knowing that you are an obedient HARMA servant! The gift of knowing that you will be safe from the impending Holy War! The gift of being amongst the first to make the Pledge for Plainness!

Alice: [To the party] I think we should just settled for a pants sandwich!

Austin: [Whispering, in pain, to Charlie] Really? Must you ask a rest megalomaniac with a unicorn fetish for a reward! [Shudders and sighs]

Min: You mean, you're going to let them go to Queens View?

Joe: Of course!

Charlie: How marvelous! You wouldn't happen to have some sort of documentation we could take along, just in case any of your colleagues do not realize we saved their fearless leader's life?

Clint: Would your colleagues be able to read this documentation if it were provided, and would they believe it if they could?

Joe: Oh, there's no need for any documentation, I'll be with you!

Austin: [Turns pale] Why? rest

Joe: Because we'll all travel to Queens View together!

Joe: Because we'll all travel to Queens View together!

Austin: [Innocently, like a small child] Why? rest

Charlie: [To Joe] Indeed, we shouldn't wish to keep you from your important business, such as unicorn grooming!

Austin: Indeed [To Joe] I am sure you have an extensive grooming agenda. rest We can take a cab.

Joe: [Laughs] It's okay, I have acolyte HARMA officers to look after that. You will travel with me in the front carriage. Wait until you hear all my hilarious stories -- just imagine, we'll all be safe while the greatest Holy War in history rages all around.

Alice: Do these stories involve unicorns?

Joe: [Enthusiastically] Most of them!

Alice: On the plus side, Joe is going to Queens View. On the downside, Joe is going to Queens View! Is it really going to be safe there?

Austin: You're right, we want to avoid safe, but if we can stay safe in rest his carriage until we need to save the world, then that's probably a good idea. I have ear plugs.

Alice: If there's going to be a Holy War, isn't it likely that Wilhelmina will either be involved or the cause of it? Maybe we should stay out for a while, but make sure we can get back into Queens View if we need to.

Dieter: Queens View is a prison!

Charlie: [To Dieter] Oooh, I do not like the sound of that! Do you mean that literally?!

Dieter: Yes! It is the highest security prison in the Realms. Even the Eh Team couldn't break out!

Austin: The Eh team? Eh? rest

Dur: Why does he want to take US there? Is our reward for saving his life being locked up? Hardly seems worth it...

Dieter: [To Austin] Alright! Alright! Calm down! Calm down! Eh!

Alice: [To Dur] I know, it's like we're punished for saving his life!


;;; Eh? Eh?

The original Eh Team

Clint: Hey, if we're being taken in like the wardens, that changes things!


;;; and here I thought it was a Canada joke.

Alice: Do we really want to work for HARMA though? In a jail? On a Thursday? [Checks her watch] At this time?

Dieter: It's not just a jail. Part of it has been set aside for his Chosen Ones. It could be a safe place if things get really crazy between all these gods and Fake gods.

Dur: Do they have pantswiches?

Alice: [Calls out to Joe] What's the pantswich situation in Queens View?

Joe: They are completely illegal.

Clint: Oh the humanity!

Charlie: Pantswichlessness aside, I think we should make our own way. Who knows how long Nunpar's good will toward us will last?

Alice: I don't know, Charlie, it's not like being pantswichless is such a bad thing. You know, maybe HARMA aren't so bad after all? Maybe we could help them integrate better with normal people in society? Maybe this could be the start of a beautiful relationship!

Min: Hair dye is also illegal.

Alice: Nooooooooooo!

Charlie: [Nods firmly] Then it is settled! [Calls out to Nunpar] Mr. Nunpar, we must decline your kind offer, as we have a good many time-consuming and tedious errands to run before we travel to Queens View, and we would never dream of delaying you.

Alice: What about Deuce and the others?

Austin: Good point, that was our plan, after all.This would seem to be a rest good opportunity.

Alice: He does seem to actually like us now!

Charlie: [To Alice, patiently] Deuce is a useful ally, but do keep in mind he will [huge emphasis] not be marrying you.

Alice: Yeesh! Try not to be so jealous, Charlie! You want to leave him in jail just to keep us apart? Maybe you really should be part of HARMA! Austin, sue her for being a meanie!

Austin: [Thinking hard] Hmm, I'll get right on that [Starts reading a rest large book on law] Quite a challenging case!

Alice: In the meantime, how will we get him out?

Charlie: [To Joe] Could you release a friend of ours from jail, given that we saved your life??

Joe: [Laughs] Certainly not! However, I could appoint one of you to be the Special HARMA Initiate To Jailed Offender Buildings.

Austin: I never though that I would hear myself saying this, but that rest sounds like an offer we can't refuse!

Alice: It sounds like a bit of a shit job, though, doesn't it?

Clint: Offers you can't refuse generally are!

Alice: If only one person is needed, who should it be?

Charlie: If it is a leadership position, naturally it should be me! [Calls to Nunpar] I shall take the position, once we have negotiated terms, of course!

Min: How dare you! You should be on your knees thanking God that Papa Joe has graced you with good favour!

Joe: [Mildly amused] What are your terms?

Charlie: Marvelous! Let us begin with salary negotiation. [Scribbles down a number on a piece of paper and hands it to Joe] I think you will agree this is commensurate to my experience and education.

Joe: [Nods and hums and haws for a few moments] I see. I was thinking something more along these lines. [Writes a number on the paper, folds it over and hands it back]

Charlie: [Opens the paper and shakes her head] Disappointing! What benefits can you offer?


;;; That's my three!

Charlie: [Opens the paper and shakes her head] Disappointing! What

Austin: A free carriage, gym membership, spa? rest

Joe: A spiffy uniform and the knowledge of a job well done! You will be true HARMA members, dedicated to blindly following the movement!

Alice: How about we *don't* join HARMA but work for you? You know, we did save your life after all and all your mindless goons [to some of the mindless goons] no offence, missed the bomb. [To the party] That makes sense, right? We could be Special Harma Information Therapists or something!

Charlie: Oooh, I like the sound of that! [To Joe] We would all like to be S.H.I.T.s, and we agree to do the job free of compensation as long as we need not officially join HARMA!

Austin: Free? I think that's also know as slavery! rest

Alice: What if the alternative is to be paid a bazillion but also be a member of HARMA??

Clint: I, for one, would rather be a S.H.I.T. Surely we could use our positions to enrich ourselves at public expense as needed...

Dur: [Hopefully] A bazillion pantswiches?

Charlie: [To Dur, firmly] Remember their unyielding stance against enjoyment? Don't you think that would extend to our own pleasures, such as excellent reference materials and [wrinkles her nose] food served in trousers?

Dur: [Begrudgingly] Fine, I wanna be a SHIT too then....

Clint: That's the spirit, Doc! A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and sometimes that's being a SHIT.

Dieter: Then we're agreed! I suggest I stay with these fine people from HARMA and conduct a thorough review of their security systems. Why, it wouldn't surprise me if the vast majority of those arrested in Godspark are already in the process of escaping. We need to stop that at once.

Joe: Yes, yes, indeed! [To the party] You can be my eyes and ears with the non-HARMA people we have to deal with. [Chortles to himself] They're so stupid they'll never realise how they've been duped!

Alice: [Laughs] That's right just like you being duped by us!

Joe: What?

Alice: What? [Panics] You said you were being duped by us! But we love HARMA, [to the party] don't we?

Joe: [Confused] Oh, okay. Right, you better be on your way, then.

Alice: Sucker!

Joe: What?

Dieter: [To the party through gritted teeth] Get her out of here!

Alice: [To the party] You know, this is really your fault for leaving me talk to him in the first place! Sent from my iPhone Dave; so, are we SHITS or not?

Dieter: All of us. Some more than others.

Joe: [To one of the goons] Take them to a place of celebration and partying!


;;; End of Book X, Act VI, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VII, Scene I. A bland room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, having being brought by a goon with promises of a feast.]

Alice: This is gonna be great! I'm really in a mood for a feast consisting of steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried Brussels sprouts.


;;; Percy told the party in 10.02.03.045 that this sort of food is now illegal!
Sent from my iPhone

Dave: I miss the smoked land herring that my mother used to make....

Austin: [Looking round the room] I think that they may have a different rest idea of what constitutes a feast. I anticipate lukewarm porridge and weak lemon water. [Sighs] illegal!

Charlie: [Primly] And I should like a strong cup of tea, and perhaps a crust of toast! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: with milk in first or after?

Alice: Oh please, who puts their toast into milk?

Choco: I know what you're up to.

Charlie: [To Choco, taking a peek under the cloth] Why, whatever do you mean? We are simply brave heroes, doing brave works!

Dur: Yes indeed! What are we up to? [Eyeing the platter hungrily]

Choco: [As Charlie puts the cloth down, looking puzzled] I don't know!

Clint: Well when you figure it out, let us know. I don't think we know what we're up to either!

Choco: [Aggressively] That's right!

Alice: [Lifts up the cloth] What the hell is this?

Choco: HARMA Approved Replacement Meal Articles, or HARMA for short. some smaller tins] HARMA meat and HARMA bread.

Charlie: Oh, is THAT what those are?! [To the group] I assumed they were building blocks for a HARMA-approved day care! [Takes a bread tin and opens it cautiously] Can this be toasted?

Choco: Sure, if you're having an orgy!

Choco: Sure, if you're having an orgy!

Austin: Can we just toast it without having an orgy? [To Choco] What kind rest of orgies do you go to!

Choco: I don't go to any orgies!

Alice: Come on, Aus, don't be mean. I mean, come on, who's going to invite this loser to an orgy? [To Choco] What about the milk? Do you have to have an orgy to drink that too?

Austin: I know a few people who would take him to an orgy. They get their rest kicks out of strange stuff like that. [Shrugs] Whatever floats your boat. [Looks at the food and frowns]

Alice: Surely there should be some champagne here for us!

Choco: Well, seeing as it is a celebration and you're not really HARMA officers, I can give you this. [Hands over a carton that looks virtually identical to the milk one, with "HARMA Alcohol-like Substitute" printed on it]

Austin: [To Choco] Will you be joining us in the celebrations? rest

Charlie: [To Choco, quickly] No doubt you are too busy! We understand! [Pokes at the HARMA bread suspiciously]

Choco: Certainly not! Not because I'm too busy, but because I hate you!

Dur: [Waving Choco off] Same difference... Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [happily stuffing his face with whatever is there] these people know how to throw a buffet!

Austin: [After watching Dave to see if the food poisons him. Carefully rest tastes a tiny bit of each HARMA approved food item] They sure do!

Alice: Do they? [Holds up a bit meat that looks very pink and inedible] Then why did they give us this? At least we have some champagne! [Grabs a carton of "HARMA Alcohol-like Substitute" and shakes it up and down] This is gonna be great!

Dur: [Feverishly tears into several HARMA bread tins and meat tins, smooshing the meat between the break and then pouring cartons of milk over the top of them in a very sloppy mess. Dur shovels some of the makeshift 'sandwiches' into his mouth while storing still more in his pants] Hey, freed food is the best kind of food!

Charlie: [Pokes at the bread] Will it? I fear no amount of toasting will repair the [searches for the words] somehow clammy friability of this bread?

Clint: [Reaches for the HALS] Just so long as this stuff will kill a yak at 20 paces... [Gingerly takes a sip.]

Alice: [Still shaking the carton madly] Stand back everyone! [Pops the lid of the carton, causing it to make a noise like disappointed fart] Hey! That didn't fizz up at all!

Alice: Is he making a face or did he always look like that? Because, honestly, it's a bit of an improvement!

Clint: Gah! Even for near beer this stuff is bad!

Alice: These people are out of control -- and now we work for them! Or are we partners with them? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: Har! I think we have "infiltrated" them! We can now subvert them in our classic subtle manner!!

Alice: That sounds way better, I'll drink to that! [Holds up her carton in cheers before taking a big drink] Ew! That's just awful! Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will look for any HARMA bods feasting with us] Hey you! My righteous brother! Skol! But I am troubled. Does it not make you feel good in your heart that you drink and eat this plain fare? And that makes you proud I'm sure! But, isn't it bad to feel pride? plain fare?

Charlie: Most philosophical of you, Dave! [Wonders] Does HARMA reject ALL pleasures, or just the ones the rest of us enjoy?

Alice: Yeesh, Dave, I think that Alcohol-like Substitute is going to your head, the HARMA guy has left! [To Charlie] It's hard to say, they seem to be against fun in all its forms. That and people having visions -- what on earth was that all about?

Austin: Well, it seems to have saved our lives. A bit odd given that it rest was Panse that set the bomb, but perhaps he did not know what kind of bomb it was?

Alice: Maybe, but it seemed to effect everyone in the area, didn't it?

Dur: [Mouth still full] I think so, remember that one guy seemed to recognize us from his own visions just before fleeing our presence? The question is, what was the point?

Alice: He was the guy Clint and me saw, wasn't he, Stinky? Maybe he thought it would lead to his death?

Charlie: [Helpfully] Perhaps he feared you would try to marry him?

Austin: There are many possibilities. It's not that surprising that he was rest terrified, we are often close to danger and death, it comes hand in hand with saving the world on a daily basis [Checks his finger nails smugly]

Alice: [To Charlie] Hey! Maybe he feared that I *wouldn't* marry him! Did you ever think about that? Anyway, it looks like everyone there got visions except the gods and fake gods.

Clint: What we need is a nerd, perhaps one with a clipboard and a card, to interview everyone about their visions, organize her notes, and distill it down for us to an executive summary.  While our nerd is doing that, we can [looks at the feast with considerable distaste] live the high life here.  Where could we find such a person? Scar. We'll never find one in these parts. [Starts casually checking out the room they are in , door exits etc] Scar. We'll never find one in these parts. [Starts casually checking out the room they are in , door exits etc]

Charlie: [Starry-eyed] I dreamed this day would come! The party, begging me to conduct extensive research and pain-staking in-depth analysis!! [Whips out an unfeasibly large binder jammed with notes] Very well, let us review! Why have Mr. Sleaze, Dave, Dur, and I all had the same visions? Why are Alice and Clint not included? How do they differ? Sent from my iPhone

Dave: [will carefully inspect Clint- then Alice, grinning as he inspects Alice....] Har! I think I know how they differ! Clint is ... a man! Whereas Alice is .... [leering] all woman.....

Alice: Dave! That leer is so awful it'll turn the sour HARMA milk-like substitute sourer! [To the others] Maybe we should ask where the visions came from? It had to be related to the banana bomb, right?

Dur: Didn't we find an orb at the source of the explosion?

Alice: We did, and it looked like it had been used up. Remember, it was just after all the fake gods disappeared.

Charlie: So, if Panse is behind the visions, one assumes they serve Will's purpose. [Muses] What is she trying to communicate? [Hopefully] That she has taken a turn for the good, like her father??

Alice: Uh... suuuuure! Or maybe she was just trying to kill a bunch of fake gods?

Dur: Making the visions, what? A side effect? A message from someone trying to stop this crazy biiiii....... [Thinks better of his wording and gives a little cough] I mean.... confused..... young...... woman?

Alice: Hey! I don't appreciate being called a -- oh, I see. It could be, I suppose. And who knows? Maybe some of the fake gods did actually have some sort of power!


;;; Gone for the weekend!

Alice: Hey! I don't appreciate being called a -- oh, I see. It could

Austin: There were so many, some of them surely must have had power? rest

Alice: That's true! We know that at least some escaped from hell!

Charlie: Perhaps we should try to locate some of those Deposed Gods and see what their visions entailed?

Charlie: Perhaps we should try to locate some of those Deposed Gods and see

Austin: There may be several of them in the HARMA prison? rest

Alice: Did anyone actually see any of them after the banana bomb went off? After all, the Puncuations God disappeared!

Clint: I guess that's a no!

Charlie: Perhaps we should ask around, and see if any of the disciples of the False Gods have seen them?

Alice: I think a bunch of them are in jail! [Thinks] And although it would be easy and convenient to talk to them, they probably haven't been doing much wandering around!

Charlie: Perhaps we should seek out [shudders] Panse. He could tell us more about these visions and their purpose, if he will.

Austin: [Sighs. Straightens his cuff and check his hair in a mirror. rest Carefully checks his suit for fluff] Perhaps Will is throwing a dinner party, and she used the orb to collect all of the gods with power?

Alice: Unlikely, although, if she was, we could probably meet Panse there. He'll want to impress his mother-in-law!

Charlie: [Quickly] They are NOT married! She would never marry such a horrid boy.

Austin: He might be very very rich? rest

Dur: Or have an endless supply of pantswiches?

Austin: Or worse, he may own a library! [Looks horrified at the thought] rest We cannot let this happen!

Alice: [Leaps up] To the church! We have to stop this marriage!

Charlie: [Adamantly] There will be no wedding! Wilhelmina will forget all about that surly pasty hooligan once she finds a nice man, like her father!

Alice: I don't know, it seems to me that her father never did forget all about the surly hooligan!

Clint: Yeah, he's a real bad boy type. [Rolls his eyes.] So where should we start? I think there's got to be some reason that Alice and I had different visions than everyone else and we should start there. wrong?

Alice: It wouldn't be the first time you got something wrong, Stinky! Anyway, weren't they ALL wrong?

Clint: Sure, but I'm more interested in why they were different. It just seems to me that we can probably figure that out more easily than most other things and starting with the easy stuff is rarely a bad idea. seems to me that we can probably figure that out more easily than most other things and starting with the easy stuff is rarely a bad idea.

Charlie: [To Alice] But we thwarted them with our prescience! [To Clint] Indeed, what is different about you and Alice? [Nods at Dur] Obviously it was not a difference in intelligence, as Dur shared my visions!

Alice: Maybe ours was thwarted by the handsome guy's prescience! You know, the brave looking one who ran away screaming like a little girl?

Clint: Or maybe we had our vision because of greater consumption of large quantities of mind-altering chemicals in the past? quantities of mind-altering chemicals in the past?

Charlie: [To Clint] But surely Mr. Sleaze has indulged as much as you and Alice! [To the party] Were the visions merely a side effect of the attack on the False Gods?

Austin: [Checks his finger nails] In quantity perhaps, but I doubt if they rest matched me in quality.

Alice: [Checks her own, filthy and bitten finger nails] Unlikely. [To Charlie] I think you're right, it has to be related to the fake gods. Why don't we go and break up the wedding? We can ask Panse if he isn't too broken hearted? Maybe we could pretend that we don't want to cancel the wedding, just postpone it?

Austin: Surely interfering with the wedding will make things worse? rest

Alice: Maybe we should just wait until the wedding is over and meet them in the honeymoon suite?

Charlie: [Enraged] She is NOT getting married! She is too young, and he is far too irritating!!

Alice: Hey! That's almost exactly what my almost-mother-in-law said when I was briefly engaged to Sir Watkyn Fink-Nottle. What was it? [Thinks] She is too young and far too irritating!

Austin: [Changes the subject] Well I expect the food will be excellent at rest the very least. [To Charlie] Did you get an invitation?

Alice: I hope you did, Charlie, because Austin's my plus one. I think we'll be the handsomest couple at the wedding.

Charlie: [Indignantly] When did you get your invitation?! [Huffily] If she expects us to pay for this wedding, we had better be seated at the head table! Sent from my iPhone On 11 Oct 2017, at 14:34, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Austin: [Changes the subject] Well I expect the food will be excellent at rest the very least. [To Charlie] Did you get an invitation?

Alice: I hope you did, Charlie, because Austin's my plus one. I think we'll be the handsomest couple at the wedding.

Dave: I’m not your plus one??

Alice: Sorry, Dave, but no beardies! [To Charlie] Oh, aaaaages ago!

Clint: Oh, someone's not invited! [Gives Charlie a sympathetic slap on the back.]


;;; So a combination of world cup infamy and, more important, a short holiday
;;; means I'm out until Monday. Kept forgetting to mention that!

Alice: Maybe we could smuggle her in? Pretend she's a servant, or something? Austin, where is the wedding, again?

Charlie: This is outrageous! If Wilhelmina thinks she can NOT invite me to her wedding and still expect to receive preferred access to the Charlotte Parker-Kensington-Sotot Archives at the Cholmondeley Grand Library for Science and Stuff upon my death, she is sorely mistaken!

Charlie: This is outrageous! If Wilhelmina thinks she can NOT invite me to

Austin: [To Alice] As far as I know it's in the Cholmondeley Grand Library rest for Science and Stuff. I heard that the Favours include a box of matches, a cheesearette and a small personalised Molotov cocktail. Library for Science and Stuff. I heard that the Favours include a box of matches, a cheesearette and a small personalised Molotov cocktail.

Charlie: [Horrified] Why would the Library allow intoxicated wedding-goers near those irreplaceable rare books?! [Holds her head, stunned] Nothing makes sense anymore!

Alice: That sounds like a cool wedding -- except for all the boring books. You know, it probably makes more sense to find Panse before the wedding rather than at the Chloemandelay Grim Library for Science and Stuff, because well, you know... [tails off]

Austin: [Nudges Charlie, giggling] Only kidding old sort! I have no idea rest where the wedding is going to take place. [Giggles and sighs at his own joke] where the wedding is going to take place. [Giggles and sighs at his own joke]

Charlie: [Giggles in relief] Oh, very amusing! Like the time we told Alice her hair bleach was linked to adult-onset hermaphroditism?!

Alice: Yeah, the joke was on you, Charlie -- I didn't know what hermaphroditism is!

Dur: It's when a person has both a pantswich AND a pantsausage. That should help you keep it straight.

Alice: Pf! Why would anyone want either? [Looks at Dur] Why would any normal person want either? Anyway, before we have to listen to Dur talk about pantswiches, let's get out of here. Any ideas where we should start looking for Panse? Sent from my iPhone On 12 Oct 2017, at 14:44, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Dur: It's when a person has both a pantswich AND a pantsausage. That should help you keep it straight.

Alice: Pf! Why would anyone want either? [Looks at Dur] Why would any normal person want either? Anyway, before we have to listen to Dur talk about pantswiches, let's get out of here. Any ideas where we should start looking for Panse?

Dave: They seek him here- they seek him there- that clever panse could be anywhere!

Alice: So... no. Sent from my iPhone On 12 Oct 2017, at 16:06, Conor Ryan >

wrote:

Dave: They seek him here- they seek him there- that clever panse could be anywhere!

Alice: So... no.

Dave: Yar. Definitely no idea. Hey!! Anyone able to show us Panse?

Alice: Looks like we need to find him ourselves!

Austin: Yes, let's go. [Goes to the door and tries to open it] rest

Choco: I wasn't listening!

Charlie: [To Choco] Excellent, then you didn't hear the awful things Alice and Mr. Sleaze said about you!

Choco: What? What did they say?

Alice: Hey! We were the ones defending you! I said that I thought you could prove you never had sex with that donkey!

Austin: [Helpfully] The donkey dressed up as a unicorn? rest

Choco: Never! I never did anything like that! [Thinks] Well.... no! Never!

Austin: So there was a situation that could have been confused with the rest factually incorrect accusation. Perhaps you could clarify what happened and thereby put an end to the vicious rumours.


;;;; mockery is the lowest form of wit?

;;; Seems like QV is the perfect place for it!

Choco: [Leaps up] I know what you're up to! [Runs off out the door and down some stairs]

Charlie: Marvelous, he left! Shall we go in search of [shudders] Panse? [Goes to exit]

Choco: Yes, run, run and think you've won. But I know what you're up to. Victory will be mine, all mine! [Evil maniac laugh] Moowhahahaha!

[His laughter subsides.]

Goon1: So what's the story about you and the donkey?


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VII, Scene II. The Streets of Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE and DUR are here, having just exited the HARMA building. The town is much quieter than before, although there are many HARMA Officers wandering around.]

Alice: Where do we start? The last time we saw him he was at Godspark.

Charlie: Marvelous, he left!  Shall we go in search of [shudders] Panse?  [Goes to exit]

Dur: Are we not concerned about the donkey humper?

Austin: The last time we searched for him we found him outside a night club if I recall correctly. Is there a night club in Nostalgia still? It was the "Pheonix" a few years ago.
;;; The party DID actually meet with Panse at a nightclub, when they got a moody teenager, Devon Henfield, to show them where it might be

Devon Henfield

Alice: That's right! I don't think it had any name, though. I think there was just something annoying about how it wasn't adhering to societal norms by refusing to have a name. Maybe that's where we should go?


;;; There's a new (old) player on the list, that's Colin, one of the original line up from way back in October 1995! Please make sure he's one the distributions lists

Austin: Sounds like a likely place. [Looks around] Does anyone know where rest it is?


;;; welcome back Colin :)
where it is?

Charlie: Perhaps we could find some youths nearby who know about such things?


;;; Yes, so good to have you back!

Alice: We could go to Godspark -- I saw the telltale signs of youths there, you know, empty cider bottles, syringes, friendly girl's underpants, that kind of thing.

Dur: That's absurd! If these girls are leaving their panties behind, where would they be storing their sandwiches?


;;;Heya Colin. Was he still around by the time I joined?

Alice: Oh please, Dur. These girls don't sandwiches, most of them haven't had a meal in three months!


;;; Yes, he was playing Harvey back then!

Dur: [Aghast] Those poor girls!


;;; I thought the name sounded familiar! Welcome back Colin!

Charlie: [To Dur] Believe it or not, many would consider no sandwiches preferable to ones previously stored in pants!

Alice: And they're fine! A few cigarettes and some coffee will keep them going! [To the party] So? Godspark?

Austin: Let's go and see who we can find.

Clint: Yes, and let's make it snappy!


;;; Welcome back, Colin!

Alice: Yeesh, what's your rush, Stinky? In a hurry to stand around doing nothing?

Clint: No, in a hurry to stand around doing nothing in a nightclub. They might have something better than HARMA-approved alcohol substitute!

Charlie: We mustn't quarrel! Youths will see that as a sign of weakness, as they often prefer to affect a kind of passive aggressive [finger quotes] chill--[aside to the party] that means relaxed!--that hides deep anger and resentment!

Alice: Oh, fair enough, Stinky, that definitely makes sense. [To Charlie] Yeeesh! Like, OMJeep, chillax, lady! If that even is your real name! Stop harshing our buzz and let's get to Godspark!

Mary: Worst fake god ever!

Mary Brienne


;;; Mary travelled with and helped the party briefly, and actually parted in good terms.

Austin: You look quite angry. Who is the fake god and what's so bad rest about them?

Mary: [Looks Austin up and down, clearly not recognising him] I am quite angry! This is less a fake good and more of a [stops abruptly, before asking suspiciously] are you HARMA officers?


;;; Mary was very much anti-HARMA in the party's original dimension

Clint: Do we look like HARMA officers?

Austin: No, Mary, we are not. Although HARMA being HARMA they like to rest think everyone is for their side.

Mary: Good, because that idiot [points backwards] is merely preaching about how great they are. [Fixes a steely gaze on Austin] How did you know my name?

Austin: Ah, well if you don't remember us, then it's probably because we rest met a different you in another dimension. But please don't tell anyone, Fake gods and HARMA both go a bit nuts when they find out we're from another dimension. All terribly embarrassing, as you can imagine.

Mary: [Gasps in awe] A different dimension? Then are you.... real Fake Gods? Gods?

Charlie: [Thinks] Well, one could argue I am a revered figure in certain fields, so a case could be made. . . .

Alice: Although, it would be a fairly weak case! [Looks at a tiny bush behind which Choco is hiding] Does he think we can't see him?

Charlie: Do let's pretend we cannot! [To Mary] Have you seen a horrid looking young man with long dirty black hair, pasty of complexion, who looks like the sort who would be a devastating disappointment to a prospective mother-in-law?

Mary: Not recently, no.

Choco: Ha! Caught you!

Charlie: [To Choco] I did not realize we were prisoners! Did we not save your beloved leader?

Choco: A dirty trick! A set up by you to make him believe you are True Believers! What a shame that you had to be killed in a street brawl, involving a bunch of unknown strangers. [Smugly folds his arms]

Choco: [Loudly] I said, what a shame that you had to be killed in a street brawl, involving a bunch of unknown strangers!

[Enter TOMPARS PARIS, a HARMA officer who has, on various occasions, been knocked down, rolled over, thrown into a volcano and subject to other humiliating defeats at the hands of the party, often without them even noticing.]

Tompars: [Holding what appears to be a small megaphone, although he doesn't speak into it] I've been looking forward to this.

Mary: [Charges at Tompars] Do not threaten the True Fake Gods of Transdimensional Travel!

[A burst of white light comes from the megaphone, knocking the entire party to the ground and throwing MARY across the park against the fence.]

Tompars: Who's first?

Shor: [Laughs loudly] Why, that would be me! [Jumps from his carriage,to Choco] Ah ah ah, not one move! On Tue 17 Oct 2017 at 12:09, Colin Dinan

wrote:


;;; Hello all!!!! Great to be back

Choco: [Grabs the weapon and waves it around] No! Not one move from you! From any of you! Or.... the bunny gets it!

Alice: Hey! Isn't the guy who ran away screaming like a little girl when he saw Clint?


;;; This is almost true -- he ran away when he saw Alice!
Shor

: [Eyeing Choco warily, looks at Alice] What stuff! I dashed off heroically as I spotted a poor young damsel being menaced by a group off, Snuger...wallkses, which, as we all know, are impervious to all weaponry, but for a sound wave emitted at exactly 1200 HZ!!! Which is what I did, causing the snuger...susses..es to flee for their fetid lives!

Alice: Oh. Well, that's a whole lot better than running away screaming like a little girl because you thought Stinky was too stinky. Honestly, it was really disappointing that someone with such nice hair could be such a coward.

Choco: Hey! Stop talking about hair! There's about to be a killing here!

Charlie: [To Shor] Oh, we had thought you fled in terror because you could see the marriage-crazed fervor in Alice's eyes! Shor:[Winks at Alice] Play your cards right and I’ll let you wash it! Get right in there, massaging the scalp with blended aragan oils...however, to the matter at hand [turns to Choco] The hair I’m most concerned with is Mr Hopalots, and if you harm one of his, it will not end well for you!

Alice: [Glares at Charlie] Hey! We've only just met, and I haven't even been introduced to Mr. Hopalots yet! [To Shor] Yeah, I don't wash people's hair. I more of a washee.

Choco: Oh really? [Fires his weapon at the carriage, causing another burst of light to fire out, knocking it over and setting it on fire]

Shor: [Outraged] Mr Hopalot, your demise will not be in vain. [Takes some marshmallows from his pack] Anyone for some toasted marshmallows? I always find it easier to kill carriage killers on a full stomach!

Charlie: [Gasps, watching the fire] Mr. Hopsalot! [To Choco, attacking]

Austin: No thank you, I prefer to kill on an empty stomach, it improves rest one's appetite. [Tries to shoot Choco with his sling] But please to feel free to toast. Each to their own!

Choco: Fools! You have no idea of the power I wield in my hand! [Points at Charlie and pulls the trigger]

Choco: Oh.

[CHARLIE slashes CHOCO with her sword as AUSTIN hits him with a stone.]

Choco: Ow! Help!

Shor: [Pops a marshmallow into this mouth] I did warn you! [Swings a punch at Choco]

Austin: [Slightly surprised at Shor's speed] Are you mallowed up already? rest That was swift! [Tries to shoot Choco again]

Alice: [To Mary] Are you okay?

Mary: Merely being in the presence of the True Fake Gods of Transdimensional Travel will save me!

Dur: [Coming out of his hiding spot now that the skirmish has ended] Errr... right.... because that's who we are now.... right?

Alice: That's way better than being Fake Gods of Punctuation! [To Shor] Thanks for the help! I'm engaged, by the way. Soon to be married. Well, not soon, but once we're actually engaged, and really, that's just a matter of time, because he's really into me. Everyone says so. I'm Alice.

Charlie: [Stepping in front of Alice] And I am Charlotte Parker-Kensington, leader of this group and renowned expert on a variety of subjects including Cryptozoology and Demonology. [Modestly] No doubt you have read some of my articles in some of the better academic journals?

Shor: [Takes Charlies and and kisses it] Charmed, I’m sure you are. And I of course, need no introduction. Cryptozoology, what’s that, some breed of animals that live in graveyards? of course, need no introduction. Cryptozoology, what’s that, some breed of animals that live in graveyards?

Charlie: [Reclaims her hand indignantly] Do keep those hormones under control, Mr. [regards Shor blankly, at a loss] Hare, was it?

Alice: Oh, god, Charlie! Don't be so embarrassing! His name is Hopsalot!


;;; Colin is out of a bit

Shor: [Laughs] It is neither, dear ladies. I am [pauses as though waiting for a drum roll] Shor Goldenhair! [Looks dramatically off into space]

Austin: [Briefly glances into space just in case there is something there] rest Great, well I am Shor that we are all glad to make your acquaintance. Have you been adventuring long? You are very good at toasting marshmallows.

Shor: Inded, my well coiffed friend. Toasting a marshmallow is a lot like going on a daring adventure. Get too close to the heat and you will burn up, stay too far and you will remain out in the cold. However, get the balance just right and you'll have a delicious, gooey inside that is even tastier between crackers.

Clint: I know that's a skill I look for in my adventuring companions. Haw! [To Shor] Clint Scar, fake god of interdimensional transit.

Shor: Shor Goldenhair, hero.

Charlie: We thank you for your assistance, Mr. Goldenhair! By any chance, you wouldn't happen to know a man named Panse, would you? We are seeking him as a matter of urgency.

Alice: He's going to marry Charlie's daughter!

Austin: Possibly. rest

Charlie: She is NOT! [To Shor, emphatically] She isn't!

Austin: [Shrugs] They may not know each other in this dimension I guess? rest

Alice: Maybe we should check out the Fake God that everyone is listening to? Panse might try to set off another banana bomb. We might get another vision!

Shor: Well, this vision of manliness thinks I should perhaps find this fake god who everyone seems to be paying attention to!

Austin: Hopefully a higher quality vision this time. The last one was rest frightfully poor in content!

Alice: Did you get a vision the last time, Shor?

Shor: [Becomes subdued] Why yes, yes I did, a most puzzling and uncomfortable vision, which involved all of you! We cunningly sneaked into the HARMA headquarters to liberate an overweight middle aged man who smelled strangely of ham. And not in a good way! We were unbelievably killed by HARMA while attempting this heroic act of derring do! uncomfortable vision, which involved all of you! We cunningly sneaked into the HARMA headquarters to liberate an overweight middle aged man who smelled strangely of ham. And not in a good way! We were unbelievably killed by HARMA while attempting this heroic act of derring do!

Charlie: [Excited] An overweight man smelling of ham?! Deuce! [To Shor] Would you be able to take us to him? He is a colleague of ours, and we did not wish to leave him to HARMA.

Alice: That doesn't sound like Deuce at all! Now, if he was well built with a manly, musky smell, the soul of a poet and the gentle touch of a patient, yet weirdly hungry lover, then yes!

Shor: [Shakes his head] Well, firstly this was a vision, not reality. Secondly, I do not know where the HARMA HQ was located. Thirdly, perhaps you missed the bit about us all dying? Is this Deuce worth risking your lives for? Is this Deuce worth risking my Special Purpose for?

Alice: [Nods her head] Firstly, the fat smelly guy you're talking about certainly is not Deuce. Secondly, yes, Deuce is worth risking everyone's life for! Third, what special purpose?

Shor: [Laughs] Why, I’m Shor Goldenhair, hero. [Strikes a heroic pose] And savior of these realms. That is my special purpose! That and trying to introduce the great unwashed to the benefits of conditioner! And savior of these realms. That is my special purpose! That and trying to introduce the great unwashed to the benefits of conditioner!

Charlie: Oh, how splendid! We also do quite a bit of saving of these realms, so perhaps we should work together! Do let us start by saving poor hapless Deuce [pointedly to Alice] clearly the large ham-man [continues to the rest of the group] as he has a good mind and a similar attitude toward realm preservation, etc.

Alice: While I support the use and promotion of good hair care products, particular for those [pointedly to Charlie] who are strangers to them [continues to the rest of the group] we should check out this Fake God, because Dieter said he would rescue Deuce and any prisoners he could, including the mysterious ham-man.

Charlie: [Self-consciously smoothing her hair] Agreed, let us investigate the Fake God on the way to rescuing the man who is unquestionably our friend, the large ham fiend known as Deuce!

Shor: [Nods] Then perhaps we should investigate this Fake God first and foremost. And try to find out the location of this HQ. I cannot promise that I’ll accompany you all the way, but I shall certainly protect you all until we find out its location.

Austin: [Helpfully pointing out some hairs on Charlies head] You have some rest split ends too.

Alice: What happens then? Do you run away screaming like a little girl again?

Shor: [Laughs aloud] A quick sprint does wonders for your cardio! And I only sprint into danger, not away from danger.

Dur: And perhaps away from Alice apparently. Wise choice.

Austin: Well, Alice is not dangerous! [To Shor] Do you run away from rest safety, screaming?

Clint: Unless she's driving. Or planning a wedding to you.

Alice: Or trying to convince you that she's only wearing those awful grey underpants because it's laundry day! [Roars with laughter only to stop abruptly] Hey!

Charlie: [To Alice] Do be kinder to Alice! She needs our support during this difficult time.

Alice: Okay, if I have to!

Mary: Oh True Fake Gods of Transdimensional Travel! Do not waste time listening to [points over at the crowd] that fake Fake God, instead, give us some of your wise words. We are all eager to hear!

Austin: It's True False Gods of Transdimensional Travel! We don't not want rest to confuse people!

Shor: Where is this other false fake god who [gestures towards the lack of crowd] seems to have the ear of the people? of crowd] seems to have the ear of the people?

Charlie: Quite right, always good to keep an eye on the competition, isn't it?

Mary: Makes sense, I suppose. He's just over there.

Devon: We don't need fake false gods, or false fake gods, for that matter. We need a return to good old fashioned family values!

Devon Henfield (Current)

Devon Henfield (Previous)

Charlie: [Calls out to Devon] How do you propose to do that?

Shor: If by old fashioned he means bathing once a year, I’d say he demonstrates it admirably! cooked meals? Wife beating? Scrubbing children with Carbolic? Walking the dog? Appropriately hot water used in the brewing of tea? Sunday roasts after church? Women as housewives unable to get a paying job? Men having the final word in all things?


;;; out for the rest of today and tomorrow!

Devon: Uh, well, I haven't really thought through the details, but basically by stamping out any sort of behaviour that I don't like. [Raises his fist in the air] Down with this sort of thing!

[Many in the crowd cheer and applaud.]

Alice: Hm. He's changed! The last time he was desperate to hang out with cool kids. Maybe we should pretend to be friends with him again?

Clint: Sure. It's not like the lawyer's list sounded all bad to me!

Alice: [Joining in the chant] Down with this! Down with this!

Devon: As your candidate in the event of there being any elections in the near future, I'll represent you and fight for whatever you believe in, all with the support and endorsement of HARMA!

Charlie: [Disapprovingly] But how can you measure your success if you lack concrete goals?!

Shor: Are they head quartered nearby? I presume if this crowd turned ugl...ier, you’d need them close by to support and endorse?

Devon: Not by the entries on our financial balance sheets, but on the balance sheets of our hearts! [More applause, as he turns to Shor] How dare you refer to these fine people as a basket of deplorables!

CrowdMember: Down with this sort of thing!

Shor: I said no such thing! Perhaps you misunderstood when I referred to a deplorable basket case. a deplorable basket case.

Charlie: Indeed, a far more accurate statement!


;;; Sorry for the late post!

Alice: So, what are your special Fake God Powers?

Devon: Common sense and such a steadfast belief that the future will never be better than the past that I want to reverse any and all so called modern sensibilities including, but not limited to, votes for women and the abolishment of marriage to donkeys.


;;; Dom is out today

Austin: They are quite the most useless special god powers I've ever heard of. I can't believe that we once thought Devon was [curls his lip in a mix of disgust and disbelief] cool.


;;; This is entirely untrue, the party never believed this. However, Devon did believe it and helped them find Panse.

Dur: Uh, what Austin meant to say is that he, er, wonders if your new godly powers could help us find Panse again? godly powers could help us find Panse again?

Charlie: [To Dur] Oh, I very much doubt that! Panse wouldn't be interested in such a [draws a square shape in the air] regular quadrilateral!

Devon: Hey! I'm no rectangle! I'm totally cool -- my mother says so!

Devon: Hey! I'm no rectangle! I'm totally cool -- my mother says so!

Shor: What a dear charitable woman she must be.

Clint: The thing is, mothers delude themselves about their kids all the time!

Devon: I totally am cool! I know where all the cool kids hang out!

Austin: [Rolls his eyes, mocking] Yeah, sure you do! rest

Charlie: [To Austin, pointing to a crowd] There, perhaps some of those stylishly dressed youngsters can tell us where to find other, [finger quotes] cooler people with whom we could become [finger quotes] chilly!

Devon: Well, why don't I just show you, then? Huh! Who's going to look like a sad spotty loser then, eh?

Austin: [Smiles] Sure, lead the way! We'll see. rest

Devon: Yeah, we will see! [Realises that everyone is waiting for him] Well, come on then! [Strides down through the crowd, who part for him as he steps up to the party, visibly sweating and shaking]

Dur: Well, which way then?

Devon: Uh.... [points in a seemingly random direction] that way! [Points to the west]

Shor: Are you sure? Well, lead on!

Devon: Me?

Crowd: Get on with it!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up

;;; Well, maybe not exactly right away!
[Book X, Act VII, Scene III. A Dark Alleyway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DAVE, DUR, SHOR and DEVON are here, being followed by a crowd of about two hundred people, who are keeping to a distance of about twenty feet.]

Alice: We're not exactly being inconspicuous here, are we?
;;; Poor overworked Conor!

Charlie: [To Devon, urgently] Do tell your minions to stand back. Surely the truly popular needn't advertise their popularity so ostentatiously, would you not agree?

Devon: Er, sure. [To the followers] Go on, shoe! Shoe!

Alice: How is it that this guy has minions and all we have is Dur?

Shor: [Brightly] You do seem most fortunate with your choice of party colleagues! That man Dur certainly seems a boon!

Alice: He's a total boon! [Pause] Boon means sad loser, right?

Shor: [Bursts out laughing] What a group! The party who laugh together stay together!

Dur: [Grumpily] Then maybe we should laugh a little less…

Alice: So where are the cool kids, Devon?

Devon: Just along here. [Starts slowly walking down the alleyway, although it isn't clear that he's heading to any particular location]

Charlie: [To the party, frowning] Perhaps we would have had better luck with the minions?

Alice: I doubt it. Remember, the minions are so lame they think that this guy is cool, and most of them aren't even his mother!

Dur: Then perhaps we would be better off following our own 'cool' instincts? After all, mum told me never to follow strangers into dark alleys unless he paid in advance! instincts? After all, mum told me never to follow strangers into dark alleys unless he paid in advance!

Charlie: [Looks at Dur pityingly] While that is sound business advice, it is dreadful parenting! [Firmly] You should always take a torch, in case there are rats!

Alice: Do you actually know any of these cool people, Devon? Or are you just wandering around aimlessly?

Devon: This is where I always meet them! If I hang around here long enough, someone comes along, takes all my money and makes unkind remarks about my hair, skin and fashion sense.

Alice: It certainly sounds like the kind of thing cool kids would do!

Charlie: [To Devon] How long does it usually take to attract such treatment?

Devon: Often it doesn't happen at all! You know, I'm not such a sad loser that [bonk. Devon gets hit on the head by a beer can] Ow! Hey!

Clint: [Hastily hides the hand he had raised so he could beat up Devon, make fun of his hair, and steal his lunch money. ]

Alice: Clint! Don't throw beercans at the nerd! We still need him!

Dur: I don't think it was Clint! [Looks around the alleyway]

Shor: [To Dur, enthusiastically] A very astute assessment, well spotted! That beer can definitely did not come from the old man's direction, and besides, it was thrown with far too much force!

Clint: C'mon, guys, we can't afford to scare off the cool kids now, or we'll have been hanging out with this loser for no reason!

Alice: [Checks out the can] Plus, it is "Dinan's Extra Cheap And Nasty Lager". It's unlikely Stinky could afford such a thing and, in the absence of any teenagers for him to mooch off, I doubt he could have obtained such a substance. [Glares at Clint, jerking her head towards Dur] Clint! He's standing right there!

Austin: Mr Scar, perhaps you could boot that door in? rest


;;;apologies, I was out today

Clint: [Flexes his door-kicking foot.] It would be my pleasure! Plus, it would be really cool.  [Applies boot A to door B.] would be really cool. >[Applies boot A to door B.]

Shor: Careful, old bones take an age to heal!

Austin: It's okay, fossils are made of stone. rest

Stony: Hey man! Be cool!

Stony White

Charlie: [Looks at Stony appraisingly and disapprovingly] Judging from your pallor and hairstyling choices, I assume you know Panse?

Stony: I wish! That guy's so cool. And his girlfriend, wow! She's something else!

Stony: I wish! That guy's so cool. And his girlfriend, wow! She's something else!

Shor: Why are you lurking in an alley throwing beer at people?

Shor: Why are you lurking in an alley throwing beer at people?

Austin: Instead of being out there doing things? You could go and help rest them be cool?

Stony: Helping's for lameos. 'sides, I'm helping that nerd be more cool by showing him that if he stays that nerdy he'll get hit by beer cans. [To Devon] Isn't that right, nerd?

Devon: Yes, Stony, it sure is! [Aside to the party] Isn't he cool?

Charlie: [Looks at Stony skeptically] Isn't Panse cooler, thought? Perhaps if we could compare the two side by side, evaluating a dozen or so specific aspects that denote [finger quotes] cool, we could ascertain who, indeed, is the cooler?

Charlie: [Looks at Stony skeptically] Isn't Panse cooler, thought? Perhaps

Austin: I support your idea, excepting any inclusion or occurence of man rest buns.

Alice: Any and all associations with man buns is cause for immediate exclusion from any consideration of being cool.

Clint: Particularly as it's license for other people to thrash you soundly, and getting beat up is not cool!

Stony: Uh... okay. What's it worth to you if I show you where Panse is?

Dur: Uh.... you can have the nerd?

Shor: I'll buy you a few more rounds of ammunition.

Charlie: A very generous offer, I think you will agree!

Stony: You expect me to betray the man I admire most in the world for a six, uh, a twelve pack of beer?

Charlie: [Mockingly] Perhaps you are too much of a goody pair of shoes? [To the party, wearily] How very uncool!

Stony: Hey! I'm just trying to negotiate here! The truth is I would do it for just one can! Now, what's your best offer?

Shor: One can, that sounds cool to me!

Stony: You expect me to betray the man I admire most in the world for one can? can?

Shor: [Laughs] No one expects you to betray yourself! However, I think for three cans and a 2 litre bottle of Ryan's Apple n Snakesfeet Cider...

Alice: Hey, for some Apple 'n Snakes Feet Cider, I'll betray him for you!

Stony: No! I'll do it! Have you guys got a map?

Charlie: [To Stony, indignantly] We are giving you two cans of beer and a pint of Ryan's Cidre! Surely YOU can provide the map!

Stony: [Theatrically] Oh my gawwwwwwd! You're so extra! [Calms down] Right, you'll just have to pay close attention. [Steps back from the door] He's upstairs. [Holds his hand out] Beer and cider, please!


;;; Scott is going taking a break, so he's off the distribution list

Austin: [Hands Stony two cans of HARMA substitute alcohol like substance] rest Be careful, it's awful ...ly strong.


;;; bye for now!
 

Dur: Great! Shall we be on our way then? [Moves towards the stairs]

Devon: Yes! Let's hook up with Panse!

Charlie: [To Devon, pityingly] Perhaps you should stay behind, you know, just in case Panse does not find you cool enough. We would not wish you to get your feelings hurt!

Devon: Panse totally digs me! He gets my zany sense of humour!

Stony: The last time he saw you he pulled your the back of you underpants up over the back of your head.

Devon: No he didn't, that was you!

Stony: Well, he thought it was funny.

Devon: He wasn't even there!

Stony: Shut up, nerd! [To the party] You guys go on ahead, I'll keep the nerd from harshing your coolness. Such as it is.

Clint: Feel free to pull his underwear up over his head while we're gone. [Leads the way in and ideally down.] [Leads the way in >and ideally down.

Shor: Or perhaps think about commando!

Austin: [To Shor, helpfully] I have some coconut oil, if that will add to rest the effect?

Charlie: [Holding her ears in dismay as she trudges up the stairs] Oh, I do hope Wilhelmina does not listen to music at this decibel level! She will ruin her excellent hearing!

Alice: [Holding her hands over her ears and shouting] I think it's cool -- it's got a good beat!

Austin: I would have though that would be the least of your worries! What rest about pregnancy and STDs? What about pregnancy and STDs?

Charlie: [To Austin, scolding] Do be serious! She is merely a child, far too young to take an interest in such adult matters!

Alice: That's right, Aus. She's only five! Although... [thinks] she doesn't look a day over 19!

Charlie: It is emotional maturity that is important, as you all well know. It just like how we try to prevent Clint from speaking to women or Dur from speaking to--anyone!

Alice: I thought what prevented Clint from speaking to women was the fact that most women run away from him screaming!

Shor: That sounds a safe strategy. At his advanced age, it's not as if he could run after them! [Listens to the music] This is what I imagine being flayed alive sounds like!

Alice: No way! Flayin' Alive is a much perkier song! [Puts on her best GeeBees falsetto] Flay, flay, flay, flaying alive!
;;; class!

Shor: [Grimacing] I stand corrected...now that is what being flayed alive sounds like! [Brightly] At least my perfect earballs will never hear that frequency again!
;;; Everyone loves the GeeBees!

Alice: If you're really lucky, I might give you a reprise, or maybe even a big of Sight Heaver!

Charlie: [To Alice, quickly] Please do not! Our senses have been assaulted quite enough as it is, and we have yet to see and speak with [shudders] Panse!

Dur: So, if we aren’t waiting for Alice’s encore performance, perhaps we should proceed inside?

Alice: Should we knock? You know, in case Panse and Will are... er, well, you know!

Dur: We could, but how could they possibly hear it over this racket. Perhaps we could enter while shielding our eyes?

Alice: Don't be ridiculous, Dur! If we did that, how could Charlie make proper observations for a paper she wants to write about it for Science and Stuff Journal?


;;; Gone for the weekend!
Perhaps we could >enter while shielding our eyes?

Shor: [Nods in agreement] Absolutely, wonderful idea! We could each put a sack over our heads and enter the room. Then, if nothing unsavoury is occurring, we can take off the sacks and everyone can bask in my handsome fabulousness!
;;; Bank holiday here today -- back to normal tomorrow! On 27 October 2017 at 15:09, Colin Dinan

wrote:

Alice: But how will we establish that there's nothing unsavoury going with all the loud music? Surely by its very nature it's telling us that something very unsavoury is going on!

Austin: I shall bravely volunteer not to have a sack over my head, risking rest my own health and safety for the greater good! I'll let you all know when it's safe.

Alice: Great! We'll all wait here.

Charlie: [Dramatically] Never split the party! [To the group] We shall ALL go. Follow me! [Heads for the door]

Alice: Hey! I don't even have my sack on!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VII, Scene IV. A Dingy Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, with AUSTIN standing in front of the door. The room is quite large and PANSE sits at a desk on one side, his back to the party, bent over the desk, holding a magnifying light. Off to the other side is what appears to be a tiny, but very, very, very loud band, SMELLATTICA. They don't appear to pay any attention to the party.]

Alice: Just a second, right! Got it! [Slips on her sack] Hey! That's not a sack at all! It's a beret! [Catches sight of her reflection in a mirror] Wow, I do look very cosmopolitan! Quick, someone get me a baguette and a string of garlic!

Smellattica

Shor: Strewth, the stench! My nostrils are stinging!

Austin: [To Alice] You should be on the cover of a magazine [Carefully rest takes a look at what Panse is doing or looking at]

Alice: Hey! I haven't even put the garlic on yet! [To Austin] I was once offered a chance to be on Vague Magazine. [Thinks] Or were they trying to sell me a copy of it?

Charlie: [Cranes her neck to get a look at Panse's contraptions. In a low voice] More explosives?!

Dur: I would suspect so. Either that or he is REALLY serious about his tea!

Dur: I would suspect so. Either that or he is REALLY serious about his tea!

Alice: A t-bomb? What will they think of next?

Alice: A t-bomb? What will they think of next?

Shor: I've heard of such a thing, tea and tea it's called, I believe!

Clint: If nothing else, you've got to admire his dedication to his hobby!

Alice: Yes, it's tea-riffic!


;;; Yes, I love Tea and Tea explosives!

Austin: [To Shor] You cer-tea-nly have an impressive knowledge of rest explosives. [Tries to steal a piece of the device(s) if Panse is looking away]

Panse: Huh? What are you doing here?

Charlie: We might ask you the same question, young man! What are you doing with all of these dangerous-looking materials?! And, more importantly, have you been exposing Wilhelmina to this ear-damaging noise?

Panse: [Realising that Charlie is there] Mom! Sorry! [Grabs a bell jar and puts it over the band, silencing them just as the next song starts] I'm, uh... I'm making tea! Who likes tea? It's Spiced Tea Mint Julep. [To Charlie] Spiced Tea Mint Julep? [To Alice] Spiced Tea Mint Julep? [To Austin] Spiced Tea Mint Julep? [To Dur] Spiced Tea Mint Julep? [To Clint] Spiced Tea Mint Julep?

Alice: [Whispers to the party] Why does he keep saying Spiced Tea Mint Julep? Julep?

Charlie: [Narrows her eyes at Panse] Do not try to distract me with your exotic teas! What are you doing with all of these? [points at the wires and electronics] Did you know you made us all see some rather peculiar visions with your last little invention?!

Panse: [Realising that Charlie is there] Mom! Sorry! [Grabs a bell jar

Austin: [Whispers back to Alice] He's a bit odd. [To Panse, looking at all rest of the equipment] You need all of that stuff to make tea?

Clint: Was it drugs? I bet it was drugs! And if there's one thing moms love, it's a son-in-law in the drug racket!

Panse: Sure did, Mom!

Panse: Ah! The tea is ready. [Holds up a pot] It's minty!

[Although this does appear to be tea, most of the equipment on the table doesn't seem to be connected to the tea making device.]

Charlie: [To Panse, looking at the tea disapprovingly] And what was the purpose of those visions? If you can tear yourself away from your clearly crippling caffeine addiction long enough to answer!

Panse: There is no purpose. That was just a side effect.

Alice: [Drinking some of the tea] Wow! This is really good!

Panse: Thanks. It's all about getting the temperature perfect. Not just of the tea, but also both the tea pot and the cups too. Would you like a fancy tea biscuit?

Austin: [Tries some tea carefully] Yes please. rest

Shor: I'm Shor Goldenhair, hero. And no thank you, this physique isn't sculpted by eating fancy biscuits. sculpted by eating fancy biscuits.

Charlie: [To Shor, approvingly] Indeed, between-meal snacking shows very poor judgment! [To Panse] What was your aim in setting off your little bomb, then?

Panse: Total annihilation of Fake Gods and the glory and ascendence of The Abyss. Sure you don't want a fancy biscuit? I baked them myself.

Charlie: [Eye twitching] Y-you bake? [Quickly] Anyone can bake! A real artist bakes his creations into amusing and clever shapes! artist bakes his >creations into amusing and clever shapes!

Shor: [To Charlie] Really, amusing how? Like a mullet? The hairstyle, not the fish. the fish.

Charlie: Well, he--I mean people I know who have this skill--could make any shape you like! For instance, if one enjoyed math one might have a cake made in the shape of Pi, or if one had an irrational love of one's arm, perhaps one could have a cake in that shape!


;;; Colin, in case Conor is not around just to save any
;;; confusion, Pestilence has developed a passion for
;;; baking creamy cakes in his married years. : D
any shape you >like! For instance, if one enjoyed math one >might have a cake made in the shape of Pi, >or if one had an irrational love of one's arm, >perhaps one could have a cake in that >shape!

Shor: [Clearly impressed] A cake in the shape of a pie? What a wonder that would be to behold!


;;; like Paul Hollywood

Panse: Or a rock fall. [Gestures to the fancy biscuit debris on and around Alice] Would you mind all getting into the fridge?

Austin: [Looks around for a fridge] Why would we want to get into a fridge? rest

Panse: To avoid the radiation, of course!

Charlie: What radiation?!

Austin: [Suddenly nervous, holds Maplin protectively] What radiation? rest

Alice: [Gobs up some tea] It's not in the tea, is it?

Panse: There's a bomb about to go off. The visions you got earlier were from one of those. I'm not sure what prolonged exposure will do to you.

Shor: [Deadly pale] I hear that all your hair falls out. Where is this fridge?

Austin: And your skin blisters [Hugs Maplin tightly] Who made this bomb? rest


;;; out for rest of day
;;;boom!

Panse: Some super evil, dastardly but charming type. [Gestures to a fridge in the corner] There's some dough in there that I'd like to keep, so try not to step in it.

Clint: You're not trying for one of those "women in refrigerators" moments here, are you?

Dur: [Perks up] Did someone say dough?

Panse: [Shrugs] I'm not sexist. I don't mind who or what goes in there as long as they're alive. When they go in.


;;; Tom, I must admit, I never heard that term before today!

Clint: And when they come out?


;;; I've never been more proud!

Panse: I'm nothing if not open minded.


;;; Dom's afk

Austin: So you don't care if your soon-to-be mother-in-law perishes in a fridge?

Panse: I certainly do! I just don't care about the rest of you. fridge?

Charlie: [Peers into the fridge skeptically] And what about your own exposure to radiation? fridge?

Shor: [Putting his hands over his hair] Well, I'm willing to risk it! If a fridge was good enough to save folklore hero and ace hero archeologist Windiana Bones from a radiation blast, it's good enough for me!

Alice: You mean that bald weirdo with a foot growing out of his head? Did it really save him?

Panse: [To Charlie] I'll be fine. Not only do I have a thick layer of metal protecting me [shows his spoon collection] I also have been vaccinated against Beta Radiation.

Dur: Wait, as much as I love raw dough, why are you blowing up fake gods? And why is that giving us visions?

Austin: So you are the "super evil, dastardly but charming type" that you rest referred to? [Looks from the fridge to Panse and back to the Fridge.

Panse: [Shrugs self consciously] Aw, shucks, I suppose I am. [To Dur] Because I hate Fake Gods. The bomb sucks in their power, but sometimes there's radiation and that has some... side effects.

Charlie: If they are fake, how is it that they have any power to [finger quotes] suck?

Panse: Just because they're fake doesn't mean they're not gods.

Shor: When is this event set to go off?

Panse: Any second now, so I can effect my daring escape!

Austin: For how long would one have to stay in the fridge to avoid rest exposure to radiation?

Panse: A minute from the time of the blast ought to be fine.

Charlie: I see. Are you certain we would have enough oxygen?

Panse: Definitely! We've had four people hide in there loads of times!

Shor: A very valid question! Thankfully, due to my superb swimming and diving skills, I'm able to hold my breath for exactly, one minute!

Alice: The bigger issue, Shor, is if you are capable of not boasting about yourself for a minute!

Shor: [Genuinely confused] Why would I want to do that? There's little point in being a hero if you can't tell everyone how super you are! [Turns to Panse] Hmm. [Holds his hand in front of Panses eyes to see if there is any reaction]

Panse: [Steps to one side] Stop that. It's annoying. You have 30 seconds before the bomb goes off.

Dur: [Panicking] Cowards first! Save yourself! [Goes for the fridge.]

Alice: I knew he should have been told about the dough! [Dives in after Dur] Dur]

Charlie: [Squeezing into the fridge] Try not to breathe, group! If you need motivation, remember that Mr. Scar will be with us, and he will likely be quite sweaty! need motivation, >remember that Mr. Scar will be with us, and >he will likely be quite sweaty!

Shor: Well I guess you can see me. [Takes a deep breath and pushes his way into the fridge]

Shor: Well I guess you can see me. [Takes a deep breath and pushes his way

Austin: [Squeezes in behind Charlie] Is that a corset you are wearing? rest

Charlie: [To Austin] Mr. Sleaze, it is impolite to inquire about another's undergarments [hesitates]--unless one is conducting research! [Grows excited] Are you conducting research?!

Dur: We don’t have enough air for ‘research’!

Clint: [Squeezes into the fridge and holds the door closed as best he can manage. ] Isn't this cozy? Quite a spacious fridge he's got here!

Alice: Oh my god, Stinky! Not so close! Can't you stand over there behind the empty dough bowl?

Clint: [Obligingly shuffles off to a different part of the fridge.]

Clint: [Squeezes into the fridge and holds the door closed as best he can

Austin: [To Charlie] After a fashion [Chuckles at this own weak pun] I rest assume that you prefer the Hugio Chucksozi design of corset, where the ribs slightly chaff in a slightly painful but manageable manner, as a constant reminder of, ... it's presence, compared to the silky smooth finish, pain free, but woefully forgettable, design of the Gorgeous Harmony corsets?


;;; nothing like being wedged in a fridge with Sleaze :)

Alice: I prefer Paul John Gloatier -- severe whale boning, extra tight lacing... ah... er, not right now, of course, because, you know, it's laundry day, otherwise I wouldn't be wearing this. [Lifts up her shirt a little to reveal the most depressingly grey undershirt any one has ever seen. Every feels a little more sad for having been exposed it]

Dur: Gah! As if all of us being crammed in here wasn't bad enough, we have to be exposed to your drab draperies as well Alice?! [Hoists a soggy sandwich from his not-often-changed underwear] Pantswich anyone? have to be exposed to your drab draperies as well Alice?! [Hoists a soggy sandwich from his not-often-changed underwear] Pantswich anyone?

Charlie: [Recoils from Dur] So many horrible smells! [Cranes her neck to sniff toward Shor] Quickly, lean your head toward me! I can tell from here your hair is likely to smell of rose petals!

Alice: Aw man! Getting my fashion dissed on by Dur? This is lowest point of my life! [Looks down] I hope that's dough I'm sitting in.

Shor: [Purple faced, takes a massive gulp of air] This is the longest minute, ever! However, as we can see each other, it's as I always suspected! When you close the door of a refrigerator, the light does stay on! minute, ever! However, as we can see each other, it's as I always suspected! When you close the door of a refrigerator, the light does stay on!

Charlie: [To Shor, admiringly] I applaud your spirit of investigation! Perhaps we could co-author a paper on the subject? [Awkwardly begins jotting notes] We could call it The Human Race Finally Sees the

Light: An Aeons-Old Mystery SOLVED!

Austin: [Fiddles with the light to see if he can fix it] Maybe it's just rest broken?
;;;;; out today

Alice: BZZZZZT!


;;; Dom is gone for the day
[AUSTIN jumps in fright.]

Austin: That wasn't funny. Now, if it had been a Dur, or a Clint attempting to fix the light, it may have been mildly amusing, but in this case, it was just tiresome and annoying.

Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, no! It WAS mildly amusing! [To Austin] You see, Alice made a sound not unlike electricity, just as you touched a potentially faulty electrical appliance. Hence, you falsely believed you received an electrical shock! Do you understand the humor now?

Austin: I could have been killed! [Straightens a cuff] However, surely it is time for us to remove ourselves from this fridge?

Shor: Well, a minute has definitely passed, but I certainly didn't hear anything like an explosion, and I've perfect 20/20 hearing.

Alice: What?

Shor: Pardon?

Charlie: I do not hear anything, either! [Worries] Though perhaps have I gone deaf, as well?!

Alice: Maybe we've all gone deaf!

Dur: [Scoffs] I wish!

Austin: [Looks at the party with a mixture of pity and disgust] The only person I feel more sorry for than you is me, because I have to spend time with you people. [Tries to push the door open] It's stuck!

Clint: Well don't blame me! I was holding it ajar until someone asked me to move over here! Do you think we got double crossed or is this just one of those teachable moments about not crawling inside a refrigerator? [Tries to apply boot to door.]

Alice: It wasn't a jar, it was a bowl!

Charlie: [Gasps and bellows in her best mom voice] Pansifer Evelyn Rader!

Clint: Evelyn? [Sniggers]

Alice: What the hell?

Shor: [Shivers] Perhaps it's due to my incredibly low body fat, but it's getting a little chilly in here!

Clint: No worries, newbie. Just keep talking. You'll have this thing full of hot air in no time!

Alice: Hey! It wasn't me!

Alice: Er... what I said. Austin

: Gross! [Desperately tries to open the door enough to cut the rope/string]

Voice1: What the hell have the got in this fridge?

Voice2: Nothing HARMA sanctioned, that's for sure!

Charlie: [To the party, hissing] What has that foolish boy done now?! [Bangs on the door of the fridge] Help! We were assisted by an incompetent, and we are now running out of air!

Dur: Perhaps we could use our positions as secret HARMA agents to appeal to them to let us out?
;;; Colin is out today

Shor: You're secret HARMA agents? [Starts banging on the door] Let me out! Let me out!

Voice1: Yeesh, whatever they've got in there sounds disgusting!

Alice: That minute of air must almost be up now!

Charlie: [Bangs on the walls of the fridge] Hellooooo?! We need your assistance, please!

Clint: Maybe they just strapped down the door when moving the fridge? Someone look around for something to wedge in there when it opens! [Tries booting the door again.] bomb and Panse simply tricked us? [Sulks] bomb and Panse >simply tricked us? [Sulks]

Shor: If true, what a cunning ploy, identifying our weaknesses and fear of the loss of my magnificent hair! The fiend!

Alice: Are we sure it's even Panse's people who carried the fridge to where ever they've taken us?

Charlie: Good point, surely he has no friends to assist him, given his dreadful personality! Maybe he has been incapacitated?

Alice: Maybe Will helped him? You know... given his dreadful personality!

Austin: His personal tea was excellent though! rest

Alice: And his fancy biscuits!

Alice: Maybe we're about to be delivered to Wilhelmina?

Charlie: Wouldn't that be wonderful?! I could finally talk some sense into her!

Alice: Er, yes, I'm sure you could.

Shor: We weren't travelling too far, so perhaps this Willemena was close by?

Alice: Thank god! I've definitely had enough of being stuck in a fridge on a moving vehicle.

Alice: Thank god! I've definitely had enough of being stuck in a

Austin: [Idly] Perhaps they are going to dump us into an active volcano? rest [Checks his nails]

Alice: Well, that'll be fine, won't it? I mean, we are in a fridge, after all, and it's really cold.

Dur: You'd think they could pick something more original...

Shor: [To Dur] Well said, exactly so! Active volcanos are so old hat! I hear the latest method of despatch is wet concrete!

Austin: How inconvenient can you get? How on earth do you sneak up on some rest one with enough wet concrete to kill them? some one with enough wet >concrete to kill them?

Shor: Oh, I don't know, how about trapping them inside a fridge?

Dur: Perhaps we should focus on finding a method of escape rather than predicting ways we might die…

Alice: How are we supposed to figure out how to escape when we don't even know what escape-proof substance we're encased in?

Charlie: Could we try rocking the refrigerator to and fro, in the hopes of rolling it off of the vehicle and breaking it into bits?

Clint: Might it be better to wait until we know where we're being taken?

Alice: Rock the fridge into the volcano? Are you insane? Why don't we stick a pointy object through the door?

Austin: If Mr Scar can force the door open a little I'll try to cut the rest rope.

Clint: That almost sounds like an actual plan! [Tries to force the door open enough.]

Clint: That almost sounds like an actual plan! [Tries to force the door open enough.]

Shor: Don't shatter your bones into piece's! Let me help [helps to force the door]

Charlie: [Awkwardly tries to maneuver her sword to the door opening] Suck in, everyone! We do not wish to get any nicks!


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VII, Scene V. The Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, in a huge train carriage that appears to be filled with fridges.]

Alice: Oh god. We're never getting Dur out of here, are we?

Shor: [Knocks on a random fridge] Hello, anyone in there?

Alice: Maybe their fridge was more air tight than ours? [Looks around] Why were all these people hiding in fridges?

Alice: Maybe their fridge was more air tight than ours? [Looks around]

Austin: It's probably a Hipster thing. rest

Alice: Just as well they're all tied shut so, isn't it?

Austin: Not if the Hipsters are the perpetrators rather than the victims rest [Tries to untie and cut open another Fridge] [Tries to untie and cut open another Fridge]

Charlie: [Goes to help Austin with a shudder] Let us hope we do not find only corpses! only corpses!

Shor: Skeletons with big beards, the stuff of nightmares! [Helps out opening the fridges]

Alice: Wow! It's a veritable feast consisting of steaks, chops, a soused pigs head, complete with apple, golden honeyed locusts, jellied eels, thrushes ankles, snakes feet, crispy popadoms and curried Brussels sprouts.

Dur: [Already stuffing his face and pants with rations.] This is great! I wonder where they are taking all this stuff?

Alice: [Cramming an entire pig's head into her mouth] Who cares! It's way better than those HARMA Approved Replacement Meal Articles we had earlier!

Dur: [Already stuffing his face and pants with rations.] This is great! I

Austin: [Nibbling a golden honeyed locust] It looks like a feast for a rest king, or a wedding, a really big wedding. [Nibbles away] I wonders if there is some brandy somewhere [searches] king, or a wedding, a really big wedding. [Nibbles away] I wonders if there is some brandy somewhere [searches]

Charlie: [Sniffs at a curried brussel sprout] Exercise caution, group! This could be some sort of very peculiar trick, specifically designed to harm those who eat first and ask questions later! Before we eat even one more bite, let us run a series of lengthy and exacting scientific experiments to ensure no harm will come to us.

Alice: [Starting on her second pig's head] Only if they're really detailed and boring!

Dur: Bah, a little poison never hurt anyone!

Alice: Took you a while to figure out how much to use, eh?

Dur: More like it took a while to figure out how much I could tolerate! Interesting note, the toxicity of poison is diluted once the stomach has been purged, then it's safe to eat again!


;;; Yum

Alice: [Gives Dur a long, disgusted look, before turning to the party] Can we lock him into one of the fridges?

Charlie: [To Alice, in a low voice] If we lose track of him, just think of the damage he could do! He might try to practice medicine again, for Phili's sake! Do you really want that on your conscience?! of the damage he >could do! He might try to practice medicine >again, for Phili's sake! Do you really want >that on your conscience?!

Shor: [Prises an apple out of a pigs mouth and takes a bite] And surely this group would be in dire straits without his wise counsel!

Austin: [Laughs] What did you say? I thought you suggested that Dur was rest wise for a moment! [Laughs extensively]

Alice: Ah, sweet naive Shor! Charlie's right, though. If we let Dur roam free now, we're probably in some way responsible for the trail of death and destruction he'll leave in his wake.

Charlie: [Nods wisely] Precisely! Now, we really should try to find our way out of this place, as our captors might return at any time! [Looks around the room for exits] way out of this >place, as our captors might return at any >time! [Looks around the room for exits]

Shor: [Looking confused for a moment, before suddenly laughing] Oh I get it, you show your respect by feigning disrespect! Odd. [Takes another bite of the apple] Be that as it may, we should find a way out before our captors return. [Begins looking for an exit]

Austin: [Tries to open the door] Where the hell are we? rest

Alice: [Looks out a window] Zooming through the country side!

Charlie: Perhaps we should hide once the vehicle stops, and try to make an escape when the door is opened!

Alice: What if we're on a loop that goes all the way around the earth and it never stops? We're gonna starve to death! [Absently pops another pig's head in her mouth] I've got a tummy ache.

Shor: Are we now officially, fare dodgers?

Alice: I've never dodged affairs in my life!

Dur: I'll file that away in the "not Surprising" memories in my brain. Now how do we get out of here? Perhaps we could overpower the drivers when they open the door if there are only 1 or 2 of them? And by we, I mean all of you of course.

Alice: What if there are 10,000 fridge hating maniacs outside? What then, Dur? That's a great plan!

Shor: [Enthusiastically] It's super, isn't it! With my mighty might and your brawny brawn, we're sure to overcome these foes!

Austin: Let's check to see if there are any other ways out [Starts rest searching for hatches, weaknesses in the carriage or trapdoors] searching for hatches, weaknesses in the carriage or trapdoors]

Charlie: [Heads to the top of the truck] I shall see if there is any access to the cab!

Clint: Maybe we could use one of these fridges as a battering ram to force or way out!
;;; Out all day today! On 9 November 2017 at 17:49, Tom Henderson

wrote:

Alice: Or we could go out the window?

Charlie: Oh, how dashing, rather like Herlock Sholmes! Let us try that at once! [Eagerly tries to open the nearest window] at once! [Eagerly >tries to open the nearest window]

Shor: We could combine both wonderful plans and use a fridge to smash through a window!

Alice: Yes, we could.

Alice: Maybe smash it now? Or wait until we're all out in case someone gets cut on glass?

Alice: Yes, we could.

Alice: Maybe smash it now? Or wait until we're all out in case someone gets cut on glass?

Austin: best to wait. We might need it later. [To Charlie] Lead the way Sarge!

Dur: Is our best idea really to jump from a speeding carriage? Perhaps someone could climb up front and slow the horses a bit?

Dur: Is our best idea really to jump from a speeding carriage? Perhaps someone could climb up front and slow the horses a bit?

Austin: It might be steam powered? It could be tricky, I don't think steam rest engines respond to carrots.

Alice: And steamed carrots are just awful! Should we try and get to the engine to stop the train?

Shor: That certainly makes sense! [Goes to the window, where he will attempt to climb out] Does anyone know if this is front or rear engined? attempt to climb out] Does anyone know if this is front or rear engined?

Charlie: [Eagerly] Perhaps you could locate the serial number and we could consult a good reference book on the subject?

Alice: It doesn't seem like one of the fancy foreign trains, so I bet it's in the front. in the front.

Shor: [Flexes his arms] Right then, let's climb onto the roof and barring low bridges and angry birds, we should be able to make it to the engine!

Alice: It doesn't seem like one of the fancy foreign trains, so I bet it's in the front.

Austin: It does sound like a good place to put the engine. [Tries to rest climb out after Charlie and shor]

Clint: I like this plan! Can we maybe look for a wrench we can use to smash the engine up properly?

Alice: Should we leave the pigs and eggs behind? You know, to lower the chance of us being dive bombed by the Angry Birds?

Clint: But that's all the makings of a great breakfast!

Alice: But the birds will be so, so angry! [Climbs out after the others]


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VII, Scene VI. The Train. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, all on top of the train, which is racing through the countryside. The engine at least eight carriages ahead. Everyone gives the occasional lurch as the train clips along, but the ride is relatively stable.]

Alice: Wow! This is great! The sun on your face! The wind in your hair! The [gawk] ew! I just swallowed a disgusting bug!


;;; irresistible :P

;;; I was thinking the same thing but thought it would be cruel to say.  Still, well played, sir!
swallowed?

Charlie: [To Austin] Goodness, no! Remember her husband?!


;;; Poor Alice!

Alice: Nah, his brain tasted like revenge -- sweet!


;;; She's referring, of course, to Bonald!

Bonald Rump

Shor: Hmm. Surely the foulest of all things to taste is the bitter taste of defeat! I obviously have never tasted it!
;;; Out all day again! On 14 November 2017 at 08:32, Colin Dinan

wrote:

Alice: I can think of worse.

Charlie: [To Alice, in a low whisper] We really need not get into your personal life just now, as we must traverse this dangerous terrain with care! [Tries to make progress toward the engine]

Alice: Oh please. Like you're not dying to do some "research" into my personal life. [Stops abruptly] Hey! Look! There's someone else on the train!

Chicken: Just hold up there, pilgrims.

Chicken Cogburn personal life. [Stops abruptly] Hey! Look! There's someone else on the train! heading towards the party. This is CHICKEN COGBURN, a grizzly looking cowboy with a patch over one eye.]

Shor: If you're looking for the dining car, it's two carriages back that way. Sort of a self service buffet affair!

Chicken: Chicken Cogburn doesn't do no self service. He just takes what he wants.

Austin: And may one enquire as to what it is that you want? rest

Chicken: A huge slab of Chicken Fried Steak and a whole mess o'potatoes.

Austin: Well I think you will find those items in the carriage below rest [Points to the carriage the party just left] You may want to close the windows in order to prevent the mess of potatoes contaminating other areas. [Points to the carriage the party just left] You may want to close the windows in order to prevent the mess of potatoes contaminating other areas.

Charlie: Oh, indeed! And you might be interested to hear they almost certainly have potatoes that are not a mess!

Chicken: I don't got no time for your fancy yankee potatoes, lady. Don't you know this train is under attack?

Alice: [To the party] Is it under attack by us?

Dur: [To Alice] I don't think so? [To Chicken] How can we help?

Chicken: This here Iron Horse has some stowaways -- here to still its precious cargo. Have you seen any suspicious characters?

Alice: [To Dur] I don't know, Dur. It certainly SOUNDS like us!

Clint: [To Chicken] Just you!

Chicken: [Pulls out an enormous musket] Get down!

well send CHICKEN flying off the train or kill all the party in one shot, or both.]

Shor: [Impressed, points to the musket] Is that an AK 99 BigBadaBoomBoom? I thought they had all exploded to bits years ago!

Chicken: Not this one, pilgrim. Ain't never exploded. [Thinks for a moment] Ain't never been fired, neither, I guess, but that matter's less than a flea's spit. [Narrows his eye] Now get down!

Austin: [Ducks and tries to see what Chicken is aiming at] What is going rest on?

Alice: [Throwing herself to the ground and looking back behind] What the hell are they looking at?

Chicken: At certain death!

The Barnhaul Family

Clint: That's the spirit, old-timer!  [Ducks for cover.]


;;; Before I forget, I will probably be away basically all of the next two weeks.  I'm at a conference Monday/Tuesday, back Wednesday,
;;; away for Thanksgiving Thursday/Friday, and then the following week my parents expect me to spend at their place.  I might try to
;;; duck away for part of that because 10 days at the parents' house is a long stretch, but no promises!

Charlie: [Ducks and cries out] Have you considered diplomacy to solve this dispute?!


;;; Poor Tom! Eat a slice of pumpkin pie for your American
;;; friends living in the Land Without Thanksgiving! two weeks. I'm at a conference Monday/Tuesday, back Wednesday, parents expect me to spend at their place. I might try to long stretch, but no promises!
dispute?!

Shor: [Ducks down, to the party] You people certainly do find yourself in some odd scrapes! some odd scrapes!

Charlie: [To Shor, conversationally, clinging to the top of the train] Indeed, and frankly this is fairly pedestrian by our standards! [Excitedly] We once went to a [huge, incredulous emphasis] rock music concert! Indeed, and frankly this is fairly pedestrian by our standards! [Excitedly] We once went to a [huge, incredulous emphasis] rock music concert!

Shor: Is it as they say, full of germs, [shudders] greasy hair and dirty people? And music, I suppose! people? And music, I suppose!

Charlie: [Eagerly] Yes, it was a rather fascinating cross-section of the lower classes and what amuses them, their diet and grooming habits, and so forth. [In a low voice] I really rather enjoyed it, though I had to publish my paper about it under a pseudonym so as not to bring shame upon my mother!

Alice: It was great! We woke up in a different town without any pants on!

Austin: Yes, good times! Despite the prevalence of proles there were one rest or two debutantes. A most profitable night, and quite good fun too. [Thinks] Although I did not see much of the show, admittedly.

Chicken: You good for nothin', line dancin', cottin pickin', lyin', thievin', paintin', dancin' scumbags have gone far enough. [Pulls the trigger]

[Everyone covers their head in their hands, but nothing happens.]

Alice: [To the party] Paintin'?

Charlie: [To Chicken] Is this some sort of sketch designed to teach youths a lesson? [Flattered] Do you consider us youths?!

Chicken: Tarnation, lady! Don't you see we're about to be killed and robbed by the most notorious line dancing bandit family of all time!

Dur: Um.... Do they do that every time? Can't we just, you know, walk in the other direction?

Alice: I can't look away from them! They're just so.... steppy!

Austin: [Watching them in horror] We could all jump for the train and die rest swiftly! That would be preferable! die swiftly! That would be preferable!

Charlie: [Gasps] Perhaps that is what they desire?! Suicide induced by line dancing?!

Alice: Shoot them, Aus! Shoot them quickly!

Clint: [Ashen.] Better yet, let's charge blindly at them in hopes of knocking them off the train! knocking them off the train!

Shor: [Laughs] Charge, good one! Totter slowly, more like. However, it's a sound plan. Let's knock those line dancing dunces off the train!

Chicken: You can try, pilgrim, but you wouldn't be the first to be line danced to death.

Charlie: [Exasperated] But what is their mission?! What possible purpose do they serve?

Austin: [Tries to shoot the line dancers] Hit them with everything we rest have! It's our only chance!

Chicken: They're low down thievin' train robbers!

Alice: Oh no! What are we going to do? [Points into the distance] There's a bunch of people approaching on horseback -- maybe they can help?

Charlie: Perhaps! [Examines the horsemen hopefully] Are they wearing white hats?

Alice: Yay! We're gonna be saved!

Alice: Tarnation! That was my favourite hat!

Horse Crazee

Chicken: They're here to crash the train and kill everyone on it. [Dramatically] They may be our only chance of surviving!

Austin: All be it a hat less survival! rest

Charlie: [To Chicken, alarmed] If everyone else would be killed, how would we survive?!

Alice: Do we really want to live in a world without hats?

Chicken: We might be able get the Barnhauls to work with us -- if we're busy fighting each other, we're definitely gonna be scalped by these godless savages.

Alice: [To the party] That's us, right? The godless savages?

Austin: Godless I may be, but the only savage thing near me is your rest attitude!

Clint: Sure was nice of Panse to drop us into this mess! Are we really going to work with those live dancing freaks?!

Alice: They want to kill you because you're jealous of them? Oh-kay!

Alice: Stinky!

Clint: [Tries to catch hold of something before the worst happens!] I'm starting to hate those guys! starting to hate those guys!

Shor: [Tries to grab Clint] It certainly is not dull spending time with you all!

Austin: We aim to please. Mr Scar, try not to die before1pm, your rest insurance is up for renewal today!

Alice: I think we're gonna have to join forces with the line dancers!

Austin: No. rest

Austin: No. rest

Austin: No. rest


;;; that's my three :)
[AUSTIN gets struck in the leg by an arrow from the Indians and lands on the roof, but steadies himself.]

Alice: You sure about that?


;;; Man, you really hate line dancing, don't you??

Austin: [Screaming in pain] Quite sure, besides, There are worse things rest than death!


;;;Yes :)

Alice: Maybe than your death, Aus!

Charlie: [To Austin, coaxingly] Think of it this way, perhaps we can sue them for emotional pain and suffering after we allow them to assist us?! them for emotional pain and suffering after we allow them to assist us?!

Shor: [Draws his sword] So, which is it to be, the line dancers, the crazy coot with the BigBoomBoom, or the group chasing the train?

Alice: [Flinching as she gets an arrow in the behind] I think we need to deal with the injuns first!

Alice: [Flinching as she gets an arrow in the behind] I think we need to deal with the injuns first!

Austin: Yes! [Tries to shoot an Indian ] rest

Chicken: [Points his gun at the indians and pulls the trigger] Die! [As before, nothing happens.]

Charlie: [Watches the Barnhauls, impressed] Quite organized! [Pulls out a bow and arrows and tries to shoot at the Indians] Do go away! We do not wish to oppress you!

Alice: We've got to get down off this roof! There are too many of them!

Dur: Back into the buffet car? waves, firing back, and soon everyone has picked up a few arrows, except, miraculously, for CHICKEN, who's still pointing his useless gun at them and trying to fire it.]

Shor: No one can disagree with that! [To Chicken] We need to get past you as our way back is blocked! [Looks for any openings/skylights in the roof]

Chicken: You god damned yellow bellies! [Points his gun at the party and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens] Huh.

Chicken: You god damned yellow bellies! [Points his gun at the party and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens] Huh.

Austin: [Tries to get back into the buffet car through the window ] Let's rest go! Follow me.

Clint: Lead the way, lawyer! [Tries to shield the party's escape as best he can.]


;;; A much needed coffee break!
[AUSTIN soon beats a hasty retreat back onto the roof, as the window is too exposed.]

Alice: Maybe we should get to the next carriage and see if the door is open?

Dur: Awwww.... but all that food! Shouldn't someone be eating.... errr.... protecting it? protecting it?

Shor: Anywhere away from these arrows is good! These things leave scars on my perfect skin! on my perfect skin!

Charlie: [Ducking arrows to try to get to the next carriage. To Shor] Perhaps Mr. Sleaze can offer some skincare suggestions? He has a good many products for all skin ailments, though many of them were produced through the pain and torture of innocent and often adorable animals! Perhaps Mr. Sleaze can offer some skincare suggestions? He has a good many products for all skin ailments, though many of them were produced through the pain and torture of innocent and often adorable animals!

Shor: [Horrified ] Dear God, if he looks like that with them, what in all things good and great does he look like without!

Chicken: [As the party each crawl through his legs and between the two carriages] Tarnation! Do you think this is how all those that died at the Battle of Big Little Thorn behaved?

Charlie: [To Chicken, crawling furiously] Likely not, given that they did not exhibit self-preservation tendencies that could have kept them alive!

Alice: And maybe if they did, they'd still be alive!!

Austin: [Tries to jump down and carefully opens the door towards the rest engine] As if he knows the first thing about skin care! Huh! [Rolls his eyes]

Bitting: This train has a cargo of dooooooom! It must be stopped!

Bitting Sull

Charlie: [Startled] Doom?! How rude! Dur is not THAT bad, once you begin to pity him!

Dur: [Rolling his eyes] Said the mother of a power hungry demi-god monster!

Bitting: It is the demi-gods that will bring the dooooooom!

Shor: Why do you think these demi gods of yours are on this train? Surely they'd already have repelled your attack!

Austin: They might well be. [Shrugs] Why don't you let him search the rest train? [To Bitting, gesturing towards the engine doorway] Please, be our guests.

Bitting: Trickery! [Swings his at Austin, barely missing him due to the confined space]

Austin: [Tries to stab Bitting] Get him! rest

Charlie: [Charges Bitting] What do WE have to do with your doom?!

Bitting: Don't you see? It's --

Alice: Oh man! It's what? What? flying off the train with a scream.]

Shor: Talk about poor timing! Unless of course Arrrgfghhhhhh means something in his native language! On 22 November 2

Alice: I think it means something like "I've just been stabbed and pushed off a train."

Charlie: [To Alice, impressed] When did you learn his savage tongue?

Alice: This isn't the first Indian I've thrown off a train!

Alice: This isn't the first Indian I've thrown off a train!

Austin: We were talking about people, not food! rest

Alice: Can't it be both?

Dur: Absolutely!

Alice: [Not sure if he's agreeing with her or not] Er... that's right! Now, come on, let's get into this carriage before it gets even weirder out here.


;;; End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act VII, Scene VII. The Bar Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, CHARLIE, DUR and SHOR have just come through the door into a plush looking carriage where several well dressed people are sitting around being addressed by a man in heavy white make up, PIERRE PIERROT.]

Pierre: [Leaning in close to one of the women sitting down] Or was it the grieving widow? [Turns to a man wearing a top hat] Or the well-to-do potato speculator? [Turns to a creepy looking middle aged guy wearing a tiny sailor suit] Or perhaps even the well known child killer and pedophile? [Pause, before dramatically turning to the party] No! Because it was them!

[All those sitting around in the carriage gasp in horror and outrage, popping out monocles, dropping dainty cups of tea and even fainting. The man in the top hat, TUPPY TOPHATTINGTON leaps to his feet.]

Tuppy: You bounders! You absolute cads!

Pierre Pierrot

Tuppy Tophattington

Dur: No! I'm innocent! It was all them [motions frantically at the rest of the party] I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time! Errr.... what did we do?

Pierre: [Folds his arms, looking satisfied] Take them away, officer.

Tuppy: It's bounders like you who make rail travel so dangerous! [Thinks] Well, that and the horde of savages attacking us! carriage.]

Charlie: [To Tuppy, indignantly] We repelled those savages, thank you very much! How dare you and your peculiar clown friend accuse us without carefully weighing the evidence? Haven't you read Herlock Sholmes?!

Pierre: The very savages that are, at this very moment, still attacking us! And, my dear, I think you'll find that Herlock Sholmes is based loosely me!

Alice: He's got you there, Charlie. Herlock Sholmes does seem like a slightly less feminine version of this guy! attacking us! And, my dear, I think you'll find that Herlock Sholmes is based loosely me! slightly less feminine version of this guy!

Shor: Ah, I've heard of him. H